RE: I doubt my ability to submit

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RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/4/2008 10:43:41 AM

suessub

Posts: 71
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

I will get them out and leave them laying around the room

Kinda similar situation as yours. I have always known inside I was a submissive. But when 16 years ago I meant the woman I ended up marrying, I wanted the relationship with her more than I wanted my fantasies played out.

But after time, as we had become conformable with each other, I mentioned my desire to tied spread-eagle and played with, etc. Here is my advice, based on what worked for us. Instead of leaving toys laying, we would deliberately plan a 'kinky evening'. We would sit around and basically script out what we would do. And yes, that is hard and leads to much blushing. And it is also awkward at first. But it does mean we were starting off with one of the foundations in place: communication. And the more we did this, the more we looked forward to 'kinky evening' and the less awkward it was. And our toybag grew. We would shop separately for toys and each new toy was a chance to discuss and explore a new aspect of kink.

We spend a couple years playing like this on weekend evenings, exploring different possibilities. And we settled into the basic form of her topping me (I am a horrible top).

Now we live, as best we can with jobs and a family, as Mistress/slave. It has been over a year since our activities were in any sense a co-generated script. She discovered she has a very strong sadistic and dominate side, but that was a journey in its own right.

Be deliberate and communicate and play. Find how bdsm fits into your relationship. And hold off on marriage until you get comfortable with how your desire for submission fits into your relationship. If you are like many of us, that desire will never go away. But a desire for the true relationship of your life may be stronger. Or you may be like my Mistress and myself: without it being a conscience part of what drew us together, in the end, I was attracted to someone dominate at the core and she to someone she could dominate. It was enviable.

_____________________________

"Cause people often talk about being scared of change
But for me I'm more afraid of things staying the same
Cause the game is never won by standing in any one place for too long "
- Nick Cave

(in reply to leadership527)

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Post #: 21

RE: I doubt my ability to submit - 11/4/2008 5:43:17 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stephsubsd

Hi,

I am a mess of a submissive, i suppose. I am in a 5 year relationship with a vanilla man. I would love to say that i am "perfectly" happy with him - but that's only 90% true. I have fantasies and dreams that he has no interest in fulfilling, but i realize there is so much more to a relationship than just sex -- especially in this lifestyle.

I sometimes wake up at night from these vividly erotic dreams. Sometimes i wake up feeling terrified of the things that happen to me in these dreams. I wonder -is that normal? Am i capable of overcoming those fears to truly submit, or would i never succeed as a submissive?

Yet, most nights I fall asleep to the silent fantasy of being tied spread eagle, blind folded, and used.

is that normal? to feel "Scared" or "unsure" of ones ability to truly submit?

I also have 'wet dreams', steph. Maybe I have had all my life and only now remember them? I'm not sure. They did rattle me when they first started. Like you, what I could recall about the 'plot' was frightening, and the fact that I had actually cum from dwelling on such things rattled me.

I guess you need to decide for yourself what the dreams mean. Fruedians would say you are sexually rrepressed and that your dreams reflect your subconcious desires. But Freudians hardly represent mainnstream pyschology anymore.

Nor is psychology the only 'source' of illumination about dreaming. Many people believe in 'lucid dreaming', a verision of guided imaagery, except for when you're asleep.

I've pretty much quit wondering what my wet dreams might 'mean'. I guess I was more shocked that a woman could even have one.

candystripper