adjusting to a new marital status

adjusting to a new marital status (Full Version)

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atljerbear35 -> adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 12:37:57 AM)
After 20 years together, my wife and I are separating; and although I'm pleased to finally be free to pursue this lifestyle in earnest, I won't kid myself- there's sure to be a lot of issues to resolve and emotions to process. Are there others here who've had to wait years before fully exploring alternative lifestyles? What challenges have you faced as you began your new life- emotionally, logistically, and in regards to the lifestyle? Did you jump right into another long-term relationship? Did you say "Never again!" to marriage or committed relationships? Were you an emotional basket-case for a while? The enormity of this change has yet to truly sink in with me, and I'd like some perspective from others to help me through the long days and weeks to come.

DesFIP -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 4:27:39 AM)
Get some help dealing with the complex emotions relating to the divorce. It isn't fair to make your dates listen to your sad story, they aren't the appropriate people to dump this on. About another long term relationship, I'm betting you will have one and sooner rather than later. You're good at being married, at compromising, at living with someone else, dealing with their quirks while they deal with yours. And the reality of life after divorce is not a different hot date a night, but cooking for yourself and lonely nights with the tv. You need to figure out by yourself ahead of time what you really do need in a partner, what you must have and what is a deal breaker. For myself, I don't really care if someone smokes lightly but The Man flatly refuses to be near a smoker even someone who just lights up once or twice a week. For him it's a dealbreaker, for me it isn't. He can deal with people who get angry occasionally, I can't. I need someone who can talk calmly about their anger instead of yelling.

peppermint -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 4:35:38 AM)
As you can guess, you are not the only one who had to wait years before being able to see what this is all about. Once I was free of obligations, I took a year off. I felt the year was needed for me to get used to being with just me instead of us. That year was well used as it was a time of contemplation and learning what I needed. That gave me time to get over being a basket case. After about a year I made contact with the community in my state. Although I had little time in my busy schedule, I got to know many people, made some friends, attended my first munch, attended my first event. The scariest part of all this was "dating" for the first time, and facing the possibilities of STDs that hadn't existed when I had dated nearly 30 years previously. I was not looking for marriage, however, at an event I met a wonderful man from out of state. We stayed in touch and over a period of 1/2 a year developed our friendship. Eventually I pulled up stakes and moved to him and became a snowbird with him. My advice to you....take some time to get used to your new status. You need that time to adjust to your new circumstances. Don't rush this time. Take all you need. Get strong. If you are not strong you have nothing to offer a potential relationship. Once you have gained that strength you are ready to slowly become part of your local lifestyle community.

NuevaVida -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 7:00:45 AM)
I left a 20 year marriage and Des is right - there are a LOT of complex issues that come with divorce. Issues you may not even discover for years to come. I strongly suggest some counseling to get you through the first few months. I actually went back to our marriage counselor - who else knew me, my ex husband, and our marriage better? The help I got from that was immeasurable. I was already in a D/s relationship when I divorced, so that part of your issue isn't something I've had to contend with. I was, however, recently let go by my master of 4 years, and that left me with a lot of issues to deal with, too, although not the same. As a result, my best advice to you is to NOT jump into another relationship quickly. I gave myself a 6 month rule to not even talk to anyone with the idea of a relationship, but a really cool man from out of town kind of plowed through that, lol. That being said, I won't make any commitments for at least 6 months. I have a lot to learn about myself, and I suspect you do, too. Take this time to figure that out - what you want, what you like, what you need, what floats your boat, what turns you off - and go explore and have fun. One of the reasons I didn't even want to engage in conversation with anyone is because I was too confused regarding certain things about myself, and I didn't want to dump my baggage on anyone else's lap. Even though I'm seeing someone now, I am very careful not to do that - It would not be fair to either of us. That's what therapists are for. Currently I don't see myself ever getting married again, or even living with someone again. It would take a lot for me to consider that. I'm not ruling it out as a future possibility, but currently I just don't see it happening. For myself, personally, I don't see the need. I'm quite comfortable living alone. It's been the best thing for me, in fact. You might likely learn all sorts of things about yourself if you stay alone for awhile, too. As liberating as a divorce may be, they are still painful. I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you well as you embark forward.

antipode -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 8:03:28 AM)
It varies. Having done this four times or so, though the longest was ten years, and no kids, you want to try and keep it simple. Get the divorce out of the way as quick as you can. The "clean break" is best, and for as long as you're negotiating, communicating, even via lawyers, it isn't "done" .Then, if you can, don't see each other for a while. The "mourning period" is generally one to two years, and in that period of time the both of you will have a tendency to jump in the sack when you see each other. This is bad, makes it all even longer. I have never begun another relationship on the rebound - a year away, minimum. Watch out for the predators - there are women that hunt for freshly divorced men, who it is known are vulnerable. Go away, move house, refresh your environment, go do stuff you've never done before. You don't need a woman to ejaculate. If you have a friend with benefits, great, but don't fall in love with her. Best of luck. It takes a while, but it goes away. Try to enjoy your freedom - to be honest, I don't know that I could live a life where I had to take someone else into account all the time any more.

VampiresLair -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 8:12:29 AM)
When I divorced I swore I would never get married again. The most important part is to remember that not everyone you meet is going to be just like your exwife. Positive or negative things, people are not going to be replacements for her. My exhusband left one of his new girlfriends because she wasnt as good in bed as I was, another because she wasnt as emotionally open as I was... a common running theme he is trying to find another me. He never will, and his therapist is trying to explain that. Dont fall into that trap. It didnt work, for whatever reasons and you are looking for someone new, someone who is a completely different person with whom it might work. You do not want someone exactly like who you were with, it might be comfortable but if it didnt work once chances are it will not again. And do not swear yourself off marraige. Do not go into relationships with the determination that no matter how good it gets, thats where it ends. That isnt fair to the people you are with, and it might very well deter the "right" one from a relationship becasue your goals are different. I said I wouldnt marry gain, unless someone was that damn good. Fox is, and we are engaged. It took me more than 3 years after my divorce to find a serious relationhship. I dated, but none of it went far. Dont expect every relationhsip will be forever but dont doom them to fail either. Just date now like you dated before. Consider getting a therapist, too. They help, even if it is just to tell you what you already know and confirm you arent losing it. My 2 cents DV

MasterTslave -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 10:29:16 AM)
Try to work on you before you start something new. Wow, didn't try to make that rhyme, sorry! I got a divorce and it was easy (had a strong hate for the man), new guy in my life that is now and was into BDSM as a Master. My intro was easier than most as I had a interest in it and had little struggle with my past relationship. I think that if you were still having a hard time with the break up you may just be a little too wrapped up in that to enjoy or fully understand what you are getting into. Just don't do something you will not be happy with in a week/month/year-yes I know that everyone makes mistakes and may not be happy with some of the things they do, but I'm saying don't make a move while not thinking straight. Could be very strange if you get involved in this world and then wifey poo decided she loves you and wants you back.

leadership527 -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 10:43:14 AM)
OK, I'm going to be the first to admit that I cannot even imagine the kind of emotional scarring that must happen when a 20 year marriage falls apart. Mine was much shorter. My condolences to you. That being said, I guess my answer is that I don't tend to live my emotional life this way. I didn't "jump" into anything. I lived my life. When I met a woman who interested me enough for it to all come together, then it did. Fo rme, saying "never again" to a committed relationship would be tantamount to killing myself so no, I did not say that. Was I an emotional basket case? Of course. I also wasn't a particularly nice guy to be around (which really makes me wonder what the heck Carol saw in me anyway). My advice to you would be exactly what you already know at your age. Life will unfold as it does. This is going to hurt like hell. You'll survive it. Avoid making any big life decisions for the next bit here since pretty much all of your thinking will be addled. Take a deep breath -- often Go listen to Anna Nalick's song, "breathe"... it's one of my favorite uplifting, look forward, not backward songs. Good luck.

atljerbear35 -> RE: adjusting to a new marital status (11/3/2008 12:06:31 PM)
Thank you everyone! All of you made good points; and although most of them have already occurred to me, it's still very helpful to get such resounding confirmation. "Patience" will have to be my mantra for the next few months (or more), as I do have a tendency to rush into bad decisions- hence the past 20 years of being with the wrong woman. Patience has brought me to this point, which I despaired of ever happening, so I'm hopeful that it will carry me the rest of the way into my new life. BTW, Leadership527... How the hell did you know??? I cry EVERY time I hear that song! Again- Thank you all so very, very much! Love and Bearhugs- Jerry

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