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KnightofMists -> RE: What does it take to be a Dom? (12/24/2005 10:07:47 AM)
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ORIGINAL: B1gbear
To start with, know your limitations and exercise patience. Any submissive will expect you know what your doing and can keep control over the dynamic by default. They will also assume you will know what is best for them and expect you not to endanger them mentally or physically. Make those assumptions and adjust the reality to where it really is each time you meet a sub.
This makes the assumption that a submissive/slave is incapable of making their own decisions. There are hundreds of possibilities to any given decision and no decision is going to be “THE BEST”… But, Dominants should and will make the Best one in their opinion. No submissive should expect a Dominant to “KNOW” what is best for them. But they should expect that the “The Best” possible decision that will facilitate growth of the both
Dominant and submissive alike as well as not endanger the either or the relationship. NO KNOWS ALL!!! We make the best choice with the information we have available. BE AWARE… many spout the “God-Like concept of Dominance” it comes in many vague ideas. This concept is flawed and will be promoted by both Dominance and submissives alike. Yes, have awareness your limitations of yourself and your submissive to the best of your ability, but do not think you will KNOW them. They change… they grow.
“Focus on being the Best you that you can be…and require that of your submissive as well”
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Many will challenge you and your knowledge, so if you pretend to know something you don’t; you will set yourself and the sub up to fail. They will respect you for being honest with them. And if they are out of your league, you would lose them anyway in the end.
Many will indeed challenge you in your knowledge and understanding things including your submissive from time to time. Great advice, don’t attempt to portray greater knowledge or understanding than you have. As stated above… Don’t pretended to “KNOW” the answers… do not be in a relationship with a submissive expects you to “KNOW” the answers…. But do expect to make the Choices that are required of you to the best of your ability and knowledge. Seek knowledge always to be a Better You.
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Do lots of reading on the lifestyle. I have some information on my educational site from a local group I founded. http://www.enslavedrose.org There are dozens of other sites out there too...do a google search.
Because you have Dominant fantasies does not make you a Dom yet, nor does it mean this will come naturally to you. Read, Read, READ and ask questions on what you read. In the end you will be the one who is supposed to have the answers.
Agree… read as much as you can… ask as many questions as you can. But don’t just look at the lifestyle topics. Many fail in this part alone. They think that all the information they need is within the BDSM culture. If D/s relationships are indeed 95% mental… then read on human behaviors, psychology, philosophy and other areas as well. If it’s a requirement to have a beautiful garden… then read what it takes to have a beautiful garden with those that have done it and not just from one… but many.
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Wanting to play the dominant role in a sexual or scening situation is called being a Top versus the sub who wants to be dominated in a sexual or scening situation being called a bottom. Many in the S/M aspect only are Tops and bottoms.
I agree in general with this…. But it is not surprising that many have the ideas of Top/bottom and Dom/sub mixed together in their definitions. A significant amount of the relationships with the BDSM subculture are D/s relationships that mix BDSM play into there relationships. There seems to be fewer and fewer straight forward Top/Bottom relationships.
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The core values applied to this dynamic are Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, and Selfless Dedication to one another. If you think its all about you, your not a Dom, your just another vanilla guy with a fantasy or the equivalent of a Preditor, if in fact your not one. If you can grasp that being a Dominant is about the emense responsibility for another person's body, mind and emotional well being, then you might just have the ability to take on that responsibility one day and not leave one or both of you emotionally hurt or damaged in the process.
These Core values are your values… and not universal. Everyone needs to determine what are their own “Core Values” are for themselves and in their relationships. These are indeed strong qualities but there are many other values that can be included.
I am not so egotistically to assume I know what Dominance is for others. I am not going to claim that a person is not a Dom or is a Dom…. I know the values and behaviors I respect as a person and I know what qualities I do not respect. I don’t respect self-centered behaviors or attitudes… and in particularly I find those spouting the one true way to be particularly distasteful to me. I can only suggest that your core values and principles are going to be a significant part that attracts a submissive. Having the highest possible awareness of what they are to you will go along ways in finding a compatible submissive for you. These are the things that will make her Dominant in her eyes… and her eyes is all that matters… not me or anyone else’s opinion unless you choose to give them that power.
In another thread, Padriag coined a phrase that I personally very much like.
Wise words from a man to be Admired Padriag.
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Success is the ultimate form of dominance... because it goes beyond dominant desires, dominant fantasies, dominant personalities... and becomes dominant results, dominance applied... successfully
In essence, you not Dom with out results… however… You must decide what those results are. If you seek to be identify as a Dominant by others… these accomplishments/ results in the perspective of others must be significant.
Dominance applied begots’ Dominant Results!
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Before ever taking a submissive in a power exchange relationship, expect that you will be spending your energy growing that sub emotionally with the goal of helping them reach their full potiential. This goal taking priority over your own wants should they conflict. It's called taking responsibility for another human being, not unlike raising children. You also need to be strong enough to to make the right decisions. Good or perceived bad. Often what the sub needs has nothing to do with what she wants.
If you take an emotional weak immature individual into your life as your submissive. Then very much expect that you are going to be required to spend significant energy to help them to grow emotionally. But submissive need not be so weak emotionally that you will need to expect to spend your energy in helping them grow emotionally. In fact, a lot of submissives are indeed very strong emotionally and very mature in their understanding of themselves. I would state that you can expect that both you and your submissive is going to expect great emotional learning and a personal power enhancement that will enrich both Dominant and submissive alike. Be Ware of the “Dominant better than thy submissive syndrome”. You as a Dominant are not better than your submissive, just different. Both of you will help each other grow and learn in many ways and not just emotionally. I have 4 children… if I treated my slaves like my children… I wouldn’t have slaves. Raising children is very much different that nurturing a relationship and growing the Power dynamics of a D/s relationship between your self and your submissive. However, if you have chosen a submissive that is emotionally immature, expect many challenges. For you not only need to be Dominant, but you’re going to be Daddy as well.
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You better be able and ready to make the hard decisions, including punishment and the need to leave her upset or even mad at you, in the process of doing the right thing. On many occasions for me this meant telling the sub I was not the right Dom for her and ending the potiential relationship...for no other reason than knowing she would not grow and thrive under my control, (My personal interest or desire for her not a consideration).
I completely agree with this… be ready to make the hard decisions. But, what is considered hard decisions for some may not be so hard for others. Understand to the best of your ability what challenges you in your relationships. What things do you struggle in your decisions. Be prepared to face them! Be prepared to Conquer them! Do not be afraid to show Vulnerability… But do not show Weakness in evading the hard choices that you face!
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The last dynamic takes all from the Dom/sub dyanmic and takes it to the next level. A sub maintains the right to say now and define her own limitations in her service to the Dom. In a Master/slave dyanmic the power exchange is complete. Meaning the Dom who now carries the 'title' Master, take complete control over the slave's life, (usually 24/7, not to say Dom/sub isn't quite often 24/7)....and the slave gives over complete control, thus giving up her right to say no. In this becoming a true slave. She trusts completely in all the choices her Master makes. Believing completely that every choice he makes regarding her are in her best interest. She has no limits or boundries defined in the relationship. Does this mean you can do anything you want with the slave? Not really. Technically by the nature of the dyanmic yes, but by nature of the responsibility taken upon yourself, it is the Master's job to identify the slaves current limits and which she will grow through expanding them and which are best kept in place.
The dynamics of Dom/sub and Master/slave are very much subjective views that have great dependency on ones own personal understanding of definitions, values, and view points on many areas. What is stated here is not a universal opinion, but it is popular opinion of many. I personally agree with much that is said on a very shallow level. I suspect that great depth of conversations would reveal stark differences between myself and the OP. Just as it would find more differences with others that happen to share this particular popular view.
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If you asked the typical experienced sub or slave to take on the responsibilities of a Dom or Master, they would say "NO WAY". Many very impressed with a Dom's ability to take on such an emense amount of responsibility. Why do we do it? Because not so unlike a Co-Dependant relationship, we need to have someone like the sub or slave to take care of and control. And we gain the ability to keep it up through the devoted service of that same sub or slave. The rewards make it well worth it. ;O)
Of course they will say no way… that is against their nature. On occasions Submissives do appear to be impressed with the Dominants willingness to take on the responsibilities that a D/s relationship entails. I find however, that it is not being impressed… it is more admiration and respect that of the Dominant not much differently than one admires and respects a talented athlete. Athletes have a gift or natural propensity towards a particular sport or skill set, not much different than a Dominant or a submissive has. But it is the actual demonstrated behaviors and efforts of the both Dominants and submissives that will impress us. I do not “NEED” some one to be Dominant or “Need” someone to control… The idea that D/s relationships are akin to Co-dependency is abhorrent to me. Co-Dedependency relationships are dysfunctional relationships… I seek “Interdependency Relationships”, I suggest that any new people into the lifestyle do much research in understanding the differences and I again refer to….
Dominance applied begots’ Dominant Results!
And add
Submission applied begots Submissive Results!
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All that said, consider my words and decide where in that structure you feel you are or wish to be. Consider the responsibilities of the level you crave and then focus on learning what you need to get there. Never be afraid to say you don't know. No one in this lifestyle knows everything, and most of us have far more to learn than we know already. Humility will show your ability to be honest with yourself. A critical trait if you want anyone to believe your being honest with them. It also shows your not insecure in who you are. Confidence is another attractive characteristic that special sub will be looking for in you.
This is the first thing and the last thing to always remember and I'm sure one day you will be telling every sub your meet to remember. "PATIENCE" If you rush things, you will set yourself up to fail. Far too often people are hurt and lose trust they need to make this lifestyle work in the process. Have Patience, have patience, have patience!
I can only add
Words applied into Active Demonstration will bring Results.
Don’t just Talk the walk… Do the Walk!
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