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while I was away - 11/3/2008 11:11:25 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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I just dropped off the face of collarme a while ago and feel compelled to say something.

Just a few days ago (Holloween to be percise) we hit the year milestone of his first e-mail to me. Considering that I joined this site on Oct 23rd last year, I'd say that's pretty noteworthy.

4 months ago I moved to be closer to him, you think that LDRs are hard-- blending families, acclimating to a new area, trying to find a job, convinsing the almost grown boy that life isn't over can seriously strain the most ideallic relationship.

The conundrum I am still trying to find a balance with is living a M/s life with a person who doesn't want to just bark out orders (which is ironic as the vanilla guys seemed to be better at that). Anyway, he asks me questions, he asks for my opinion and he asks me to problem solve and I find myself slipping into the independent single woman persona that I've been for the past 18 years and it's harder to get back into M/s relationship mode after that. It was almost easier to sustain my "place" if you will when we lived farther apart as work/kids/etc were far more fragmented to the relationship then they are now. Now I'm finding that I have to be assertive and submissive simultaniously and while I continue to work at it, I'd say that it's the hardest ajustment I'm making.

Any thoughts or ideas?

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 11:18:41 AM

RCdc

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Give it time.
Moving closer is incredibly hard. It's almost there, but not quite. You have the whole difficulty of introducing families and being a partner and being submissive.

It is really hard but all I found was time and patience is a great thing to have and remember. And don't try to do it all at once, or expect it to all come together at once - otehrwise you risk feeling as though you are failing when the reality is you can't do it all - even if you can multitask!

And you are missed. Love to ya.

the.dark.

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 2:27:14 PM

smilingjaguar

Posts: 271
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

The conundrum I am still trying to find a balance with is living a M/s life with a person who doesn't want to just bark out orders (which is ironic as the vanilla guys seemed to be better at that). Anyway, he asks me questions, he asks for my opinion and he asks me to problem solve and I find myself slipping into the independent single woman persona that I've been for the past 18 years and it's harder to get back into M/s relationship mode after that. It was almost easier to sustain my "place" if you will when we lived farther apart as work/kids/etc were far more fragmented to the relationship then they are now. Now I'm finding that I have to be assertive and submissive simultaniously and while I continue to work at it, I'd say that it's the hardest ajustment I'm making.

Any thoughts or ideas?

My Sir is also one of those who doesn't want to bark orders, so I feel for you. If you think about it, you serve him with all your physical and emotional self so why not with your intellectual capabilities as well? Perhaps there are areas that he would prefer not to deal with or that he's seen you are better with. It would be silly not to take advantage of those services you excel at. My Sir hates dealing with paperwork of any kind so he has delegated the majority of responsibility for taxes, insurance, budget, etc. to me. It does not mean I have the authority in those areas. I generally research and lay out the best couple of options and explain why I think they are the best. The final decision is his, but the grunt work is mine. It is a service I provide and thinking about it in this way helped to keep my head in the dynamic when before it would trigger my independent streak.

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 3:24:38 PM

kiwisub12

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I have found that a major life change - like moving to a completely new area - takes about a year to assimilate and get comfortable. Add to that a new significant other , and kids, and you find yourself in a major life stresser. Give yourself credit for actually having the courage to uproot and move - and don't think that things have to be perfect right off the get-go.

It all takes time, and give yourself plenty!

As far as the assertive/submissive conundrum - i'm going to guess that you have talked to him. I think a large part of your problem is generated by kids - its hard to be submissive or dominant if kids are there with their critical eyes watching what is going on.
my Sir asks my opinion frequently, and as he tells me, he respects my intelligence, and makes use of it. Final decisions are his, but my imput is sought. If he is wanting you to problem solve, it sounds as if he is using your intelligence and talents. Perhapes you need to think of it in this manner. You are being submissive to his will, by using what you have to offer, to enhance his dominance.

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 3:27:15 PM

akisha

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First off, congrats on moving a step closer *S*

My Dom and i moved in together this spring, and we're still working things out. He, like yours, wants oppinions and asks questions and doesn't just demand. At times it's nice, other times it's frustrating as hell for me.

We spend alot of time talking and talking and talking.

If it feels like i'm in "independant boss" mode to much I tell him how I'm feeling. I tell him if i need him to just be totally in charge for a while, etc etc.

We moved very fast, so we're still learning each other in alot of ways.

Best thing to do is be very open and verbal about how you are feeling.

One thing I did was ask for him to find a way to help me find my submissive head space after coming home from running an office all day. This was after he mentioned something about my attitude hehe. I can't just auto switch from one to the other easily and if he's being not overtly assertive that day then it's even harder.

It takes time and patience and vodka *S* hehe just kidding. Well about the vodka anyway. It's not easy but nothing worth anything ever is right?

Best of luck

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 3:33:18 PM

lusciouslips19

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My sir doesnt bark out orders either. When he makes a suggestion it is an order. HE also isn't into the heavy mental D's aspects and more into the physical without the Dominant talk that goes with. I have learned that when you are with a Dominant he is never going to have ALL that you want. He will have some or most but no one has everything. Just as I am sure i am not the perfect little sub either.

I would say moving is never easy on anyone so give yourself a break. I would look for a Boys and Girls club for your son or some other type of activity. I would have to say when my parents moved me to the suburbs and I started high school with a completely different group than those I grew up with, I was utterly lost and depressed. So do what you can to make this transition easier fot him.

GIve it time and all you can do is sprinkle heavily with love and a cup of kindness.

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 5:22:25 PM

kiwisub12

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My daughter moved to Minnisota just before starting her senior year in high school - she was miserable until she made friends and then didn't look back. He will probably think you are awful for ruining his life, but it will take a while for him to realise that he will survive!
Just remember that you really haven't ruined his life.

. You just made a detour on his route of life.

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 5:31:47 PM

OmegaG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

My daughter moved to Minnisota just before starting her senior year in high school - she was miserable until she made friends and then didn't look back. He will probably think you are awful for ruining his life, but it will take a while for him to realise that he will survive!
Just remember that you really haven't ruined his life. . You just made a detour on his route of life.

In his case a change in school districts was inevitable, my personal life only chose the direction, I was hoping that a big lake and lots of beach would help, but he stuck pretty close to me this past summer-- maybe next.

The year timeline for assimilation helped alot-- I tend to think that I'm moving too slowly when in reality if I slow down I tend to find that I'm pushing too fast.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 6:38:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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In addition to giving it time, just realize that you're broadening what your submission is to you- recognizing that it and we are complex fucked up people and it's not as easy as "give order- follow order- happy"

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RE: while I was away - 11/3/2008 8:30:58 PM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

4 months ago I moved to be closer to him, you think that LDRs are hard-- blending families, acclimating to a new area, trying to find a job, convinsing the almost grown boy that life isn't over can seriously strain the most ideallic relationship

It is extremely difficult to find your footing after a move, especially with a young adult tossing the typical "you've ruined my life!!" at you. Breath, it does get easier/better with time

quote:

The conundrum I am still trying to find a balance with is living a M/s life with a person who doesn't want to just bark out orders (which is ironic as the vanilla guys seemed to be better at that). Anyway, he asks me questions, he asks for my opinion and he asks me to problem solve and I find myself slipping into the independent single woman persona that I've been for the past 18 years and it's harder to get back into M/s relationship mode after that. It was almost easier to sustain my "place" if you will when we lived farther apart as work/kids/etc were far more fragmented to the relationship then they are now. Now I'm finding that I have to be assertive and submissive simultaniously and while I continue to work at it, I'd say that it's the hardest ajustment I'm making.

Any thoughts or ideas?

I think if Mistress barked out an order at me, i'd fall over. Of course being in a long distance relationship without the "in your face reality of life" factor does tend to allow us to let that fantasy world seem more realistic.

I can only offer what i've learned in the 4 years i've been living the blended family, M/s (under the radar) relationship.

The absolute hardest part was the family part. Finding that balance for each of our families, understanding very different parenting styles and accepting that neither style was right or wrong. (i still want to choke one of Her daughters but am getting better about verbalizing that fact lol)

Mistress doesn't feel She should have to bark an order, i should know my place, what She expects of me. She wants me to do for Her because i want to, not because She demanded it. In fact, in the years i've been with Her, i can't recall a single command. She asks. Sometimes it drives me absolutely bananas. Most of the time i simply understand that's Her way.

And yes, i've even told Her that sometimes i miss being in a long distance relationship. For many reasons. One, in a long distance relationship you set aside time to be together. Less family interaction, interference. Time to just be "you" with the focus on the relationship, more time for being in "role" so to speak. It is a very hard adjusment. Online/long distance it's easy to think that things are going to be different when you're together more. We tend to expect what we had when we visited.. just more of it. Reality is that isn't possible. Not with family, jobs, friends.....

Instead of seeing yourself as being independant and assertive, see yourself as His most valuable asset. Your strengths are what drew Him to you in the first place. The fact that He doesn't have to bark orders to get you to "do" speaks volumes about you. Be proud of that.

Most important, talk to Him. Explain the struggle you're having. If you don't keep a journal, i'd suggest starting. Going back and reviewing feelings, thoughts, reactions to things has helped me so much. I've learned to look at things from Her perspective and not just my own. Where i may see myself as overstepping.. She has actually been exhaling and happy to see me step up and take care of something for Her.

Good luck and if you wish to talk more, i'm here :)

pj

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RE: while I was away - 11/4/2008 5:39:02 AM

Lashra

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quote:

Mistress doesn't feel She should have to bark an order, i should know my place, what She expects of me. She wants me to do for Her because i want to, not because She demanded it. In fact, in the years i've been with Her, i can't recall a single command. She asks. Sometimes it drives me absolutely bananas. Most of the time i simply understand that's Her way.

As a Dominant I feel as the above states. I've made my expectations and rules very clear to my malesub, therefore I should not have to bark orders. The only time I do bark orders is when we are playing together.

If your Master's style is not what you thought it would be, perhaps you should just speak with him respectfully about it. Maybe he is finding his style with you as they can change with each submissive.

Good luck,
~Lashra

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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

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RE: while I was away - 11/4/2008 6:40:25 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

Now I'm finding that I have to be assertive and submissive simultaniously and while I continue to work at it, I'd say that it's the hardest ajustment I'm making.

Any thoughts or ideas?

This is a place where flexibility and some rigidity might help. Creating some ritual that helps you maintain your submissive mental space even while being assertive might help. Also, knowing that that ritual might need to have some flexibility built in so that it doesn't become one more hurdle/obstacle and can be invoked perhaps when you need it.

It might be a time of day where you stop, close your eyes or look downward and just breath slowly while you visualize yourself kneeling at his feet, or perhaps you simply do something along these lines when you feel conflicted between the two. It might be that you come to him and stand next to him or even behind him with your arms behind your back or perhaps crossed in the front.

The point is to find something you could do in full view of your family without raising an eyebrow but that to YOU helps you refocus yourself or at least find peace.

Perhaps you could also set aside time to be "mommy" and worry less about being slavey during those times.Or, it could be that your mommy mode lasts until the kids are to bed and there is some ritual you do to step from one role to another. Someone who posts here has his slave bring her collar to him and kneel at that point. I thought it rather brilliant because it allows her the time to "get" into that submissive mode rather than having him have to guess constantly and of course get it wrong and having the whole thing turn into just another problem rather than something constructive.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 11/4/2008 6:41:51 AM >

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RE: while I was away - 11/4/2008 8:17:45 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
The conundrum I am still trying to find a balance with is living a M/s life with a person who doesn't want to just bark out orders (which is ironic as the vanilla guys seemed to be better at that). Anyway, he asks me questions, he asks for my opinion and he asks me to problem solve and I find myself slipping into the independent single woman persona that I've been for the past 18 years and it's harder to get back into M/s relationship mode after that.

OK, this is going to be wild guesswork based upon my experience alone, but here goes. I suspect that the "barking out orders" thing is way easier to do as a Master when you are long distance. I know that the amount of control I exert over my wife's life by virtue of her being in my living space is extreme. There's no way I would be able to do so well without gathering significant information from her. I ask mine for her opinions. I ask her to solve problems. All of that is in service to our chosen relationship roles. Doing those things does not in any way lessen our authority dynamic. Mine alone is the right to choose. All else is ours to share.

quote:

It was almost easier to sustain my "place" if you will when we lived farther apart

This word, place, has become one of my buzzwords. In general, my wife does not need to sustain or remember the fact that she is a woman. She doesn't need to sustain the fact that she has long hair. And she doesn't need to sustain the fact that she is submissive to me. These are all just parts of who she is (or in the case of the last one, who we are together). My own opinion is that people who are having a difficult time "remembering their place" are almost always forgetting someone else's place, not their own. To this point, I would offer up the following advice for what it's worth...

"Ignore for a while whatever you think a slave is or a master is. Rather, focus on this new relationship and new roles the two of you have and seek to maximize what they actually are, not what some role definition in your head tells you they should be."

quote:

Now I'm finding that I have to be assertive and submissive simultaniously and while I continue to work at it, I'd say that it's the hardest ajustment I'm making.

*nods* As .the dark. said, give it time. Just remember that us humans typically balance lots of simultaneous roles. This is nothing new. It's just that it's a new role (that of being a live in slave) and it's going to take some time to settle into the mix. When my wife and I grafted M/s onto our vanilla marriage, it took some time to settle in also. My advice is avoid like the plage any either/or type thinking. You are what you are at all times during your relationship. You are not a slave sometimes and a lover/mother/whatever others. You are simply you two, as a couple, trying to do the best you can to muddle through life and between you, you prefer it when he makes all the choices. In that light, it's simple, neh?

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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