RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy.

RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (Full Version)

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NuevaVida -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/3/2008 6:45:58 PM)
The cool thing about today is you get to make completely different choices than you did yesterday. The same applies tomorrow, and so on. As cliche as it sounds these days, if you think in the past you stay in the past. If you place your focus on the present and on what you want in the future, there comes a time when the past remains just that - the past. When I left my husband, I made it a point to NOT become a bitter, angry person, as that is a trait that doesn't appeal to me. I had to make a conscious effort to do this. It was so easy to spit out a zinger of a statement about him when in casual conversation with others. But I bit my tongue (mostly) and refocused my thoughts. You are right - the person you are with now is not the person you were with before, and shouldn't be judged as such. Sure, you have some "baggage" and issues to deal with, but to measure this current woman against the one who hurt you is not only unfair to her, it is unfair to you. Baby steps, as a friend always tells me. You're still moving forward, and with awareness. This thread shows a growing awareness, so that's a step forward. Your current girl is leaving the decision about your future with her up to you. That means she sees value in you and in being with you, and is willing to move forward with you. So tomorrow you both can make different decisions together.

tazzygirl -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/3/2008 6:46:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AStudyInScarlet i secretly wish you were my boyfriend under a name i don't know about. i wish he was engaging in this kind of introspection regarding his past relationships and baggage. it has been affecting our relationship in a bad way lately. but instead of recognizing it and trying to work through it, his solution has been to push me away, as if that would assuage what he puts me through because of it. oh how i feel for you. i went through the same thing for 4 years. if they arent willing to work on themselves, there is nothing you can do. tazzy

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/3/2008 10:31:07 PM)
Radical Forgiveness: the practice of believing there is nothing to forgive because nothing wrong ever happened. You are as you should be in order to get where you need to go. There's a lot more to the concept, but I'll leave it at that. hugs Master Fire

MissEnchanted -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 7:39:39 AM)
Whiplashsmile2, I appreciate how hard it might have been for you to put your deepest thoughts and feelings out here on an open forum. This is such a positive sign! There have been great suggestions so far and I have just a few things I'd like to add: Ask yourself: Is this creating the healthy situation I dream of? Are there things here beyond my control and something I need to let go of in the real world? People only change when they want to. This is a sad fact. Make a decision about who you want to be. Non-bitter, healthy, loving and strong? Every time you start to have a negative thought: Realize it is an opportunity to change your inner patterns that affect your life in every way. I call it flipping and posted about it a long time ago. For instance you might be thinking: "I keep pouring out this anger and pain onto her." That is the opportunity to think: "OK, so I am growing through this and recognize I am making changes here, right now in myself for the better and this will improve our lives by recognizing it." I also call it: changing the channel when that painful self-examination is too heavy or non-productive. I simply take that thought pattern and 'changing the channel' I think of something else that makes me feel good. It can be anything you are looking forward to, a great time in the past, people or things that make you smile. Just like you would distract a small child when they are upset and 'stuck', you create a diversion for yourself. When I get too upset over things that are going on I find that doing (not thinking too much at all) anything that needs doing makes me feel much better. I accomplish something and it can be anything, cleaning up, getting a house project done, paperwork out of the way, complete unfinished business, help someone else out for 30 minutes, read something inspiring.. The list goes on and on and it really helps to boost your own self-worth in your heart and mind. Also: These are very stressful times for most of us, so I know we need to be gentle with ourselves and plan at least one really fun event a week. My local group gets together about 3 times a month and because we have all made some friends here we do other vanilla things together that make us smile and laugh. Reaching out is SO healthy and I commend you for asking for help. I wish you the best, ME PS: I like to have subs or slaves around who are just a teeny bit Co. [;)]

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 7:47:13 AM)
Here's a little more background about what happened. I myself am so used to being with a Partner with Bad CoDependent Patterns, that I'm used to being one foot step ahead of these very predictable patterns. I withheld with being one foot step ahead with my Girl, however I was not liking the feeling of it. Anyways, I came forward and expressed a number of fears. These sort of fears as being in part normal, and in part driven from being with CoDependent Partners with Bad Habits. She actually was a bit taken back, that I might think she would or could do such things. Egg on my face time. Painfully clear I'm not dealing with a CoDependent type of girl. Even the way she phrased things and engaged in conversation with me. So, all my skills at dealing with CoDependent Partners, I have to totally toss those types of D/s skill the fuck out the window. Gee, Wow... D/s without these things? Trust me, when I say this. I'm doing some serious quick reassetments here folks. Not slowly but doing a lot of very quick readjustments. It's a matter of setting aside the not so good things. Working with the good things that I do have in my bag. I'm having to do some major rethinking in certain areas. My engagement and postings on this message board, may be a reflection of this process. Even in how I respond to other people's OP's.

MissEnchanted -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 7:50:39 AM)
AWESOME! [:D] quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2 Here's a little more background about what happened. I myself am so used to being with a Partner with Bad CoDependent Patterns, that I'm used to being one foot step ahead of these very predictable patterns. I withheld with being one foot step ahead with my Girl, however I was not liking the feeling of it. Anyways, I came forward and expressed a number of fears. These sort of fears as being in part normal, and in part driven from being with CoDependent Partners with Bad Habits. She actually was a bit taken back, that I might think she would or could do such things. Egg on my face time. Painfully clear I'm not dealing with a CoDependent type of girl. Even the way she phrased things and engaged in conversation with me. So, all my skills at dealing with CoDependent Partners, I have to totally toss those types of D/s skill the fuck out the window. Gee, Wow... D/s without these things? Trust me, when I say this. I'm doing some serious quick reassetments here folks. Not slowly but doing a lot of very quick readjustments. It's a matter of setting aside the not so good things. Working with the good things that I do have in my bag. I'm having to do some major rethinking in certain areas. My engagement and postings on this message board, may be a reflection of this process. Even in how I respond to other people's OP's.

LadyPact -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 12:01:16 PM)
Part of this I wrote on another thread. The parts that apply on that post, I'm going to say again here. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Welcome to the ranks of the imperfect. We certainly do hope you will enjoy your stay here with us. Please feel free to make yourself at home and meet other imperfect people like yourself. You'll find that many of us are often wrong, admit it, apologize, and try to do better the next day. Should you happen to be struck with the disease of perfection, I'm afraid you'll have to leave, so that you don't infect the rest of us. By the way, if you happen to enjoy being a member of the 'less than perfect' club, we have some others you might be interested in. You might like the 'have emotions and show them society' or the 'I'm not God' club. A lot of our members are into little groups like these. Why am I saying that again here? Because I want you to recognize that none of us are perfect, including you. It really is ok that you're not. What you've done here is see an area that you need to work on and you're willing to do that. This is a good thing. Growth generally tends to be. There's something else I'd like to point out to you that you probably already know. There really isn't such a thing as an "undomly" emotion. Sure, there are feelings that we might think aren't the most dominant type to express. Stuff like fear, or anger, or even hurt. Those things aren't the type of feelings that a person in control should have, are they? It really tears down that image of the stereotypical dominant, who is always in control and certainly in control of themselves so they can control someone else. I struggled with that concept Myself for quite some time. I hope I've conquered that false pretense. Yes, it still rears it's ugly head from time to time, but more often than not these days, I'm reminded that being a whole person makes Me a better dominant, not a lesser one. How can I expect My submissive, any submissive, to trust Me enough to guide them when they experience those emotions, if they never have any evidence that I experience them Myself? I'm not going to say anything about the co-dependency issue. I honestly think you have a pretty good grasp on what you need to look at and what you need to do. I kind of get the impression that you're beating yourself up a bit on the topic anyway, and I'm not that kind of sadist. [;)] Instead, I'm going to teach you a lesson. One that someone was good enough to teach Me a long time ago. It has to do with that past relationship and what you are hanging on to because of it. I know this is going to sound a little odd, but I want you to start thinking of that past relationship like a potato. If you went to your kitchen just now and got yourself a potato and decided to carry it around with you everywhere you went, that sounds easy enough. Today, tomorrow, and even for a few days, that would be fine. Eventually, however, the potato is going to rot. In time, it is going to decay and become nothing but a decomposing, blackened, stench of a thing that is with you always. Ask yourself this question. Is that something you want to carry with you? It is your decision to put it down anytime you like. How long will you hold onto it? From the desk of the still imperfect Lady Pact, who has carried a potato or two herself in her life, and is sort of growing fond of that particular signature.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 12:37:57 PM)
The Reality Well, as they say for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Don't know if that fully applies. However, it is clear that the recent events have had a bit of an effect with my girl. I can hear it in her tone of voice, plus it feels like she is a little more pulled back or away from me. Perhaps this is a temporary thing, perhaps it's only the beginning to something called the end. Us human beings are funny unique and strange creatures. Still none the less, my actions, my expression and course of handling things or even lack of. May or may not carry with it some side effects. What can be said is this. She is a very trusting person and she had been burned from being so trusting. I used to be a very trusting person, but in the course of time, I've learned to be less trusting, more cynical and more questioning of people. I have had a lot of issues in having trust and put somethings to the test. I've not been keeping my issues secret with her. However, she is concerned that I don't trust her and that it will cause problems down the road. My trust, faith and belief in her has greatly increased so much now that it's not funny. Now, I'm faced with the fact. That she is concerned that I'm somehow incapable of trust. That I have been in so many bad relationships or that I'm always going to be questioning her and that this will become an on going issue. sigh This process has a Catch 22 that has come to light, and Now I find myself deeply concerned about this. Welcome to the jungle of issues. I can honestly see her point and side of matters. Because this is not healthy for a D/s relationship. It is not, and I'm in total and complete agreement upon. 100%, actually this has a lot to do with me beating myself up or coming down hard on myself. There was a series of events that triggered some fears (insecuties) on my end. A bit of a mix of things. I finally spilled it all out, all the details down to the last drop. I feel so much freedom in having done so that it's not funny. I actually feel that these things are no longer issues knawing on the inside of my mind. The question I ask myself, best to share the details or work through things in private? When can being so honest, be a bad thing? Trust me, it felt very painful for me, to express and share some of the things I have with her. However, in this process, I am finding a sense of Peace of mind and freedom. In fact I've been dealing with them much better. Now, what's the price in doing so? This is my reality today that I am faced with. (sigh)

leadership527 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 1:16:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact If you went to your kitchen just now and got yourself a potato and decided to carry it around with you everywhere you went, that sounds easy enough. Today, tomorrow, and even for a few days, that would be fine. Eventually, however, the potato is going to rot. In time, it is going to decay and become nothing but a decomposing, blackened, stench of a thing that is with you always. Ask yourself this question. Is that something you want to carry with you? It is your decision to put it down anytime you like. How long will you hold onto it? yeah, that :) what she said. And Whiplash... Just relax regarding her opinion. You are correct, for every action, yada yada... think of it like a bowl of jello. You've tapped it and now the reverberations are shaking through it. No worries there -- it was inevitable. It is the very act of putting these issues up on the table and dealing with them that REAL trust is developed. If you are healthy and show that healthiness to her, she'll get over her (very understandable) concerns and in the end, trust you more than she did before. The answer to your last question... "when can being so honest be a bad thing?" Honestly, the answer "never" is close enough to the truth that I go with it. At every juncture, we share with our partner or we do not. If we share, we draw closer together. If we do not, we draw further apart. If this person is a partner, then they need to be included. To the extent they are excluded, they aren't your partner. It's really just that simple. Back to sink or swim.

Lockit -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 2:13:56 PM)
I sometimes see not trusting someone as not being able to trust ourself. We protect ourself by using fear to trust as a protective measure rather than stick our neck out there. We don't trust our judgment or ability to handle new pain and if we just don't put ourselve's in a position to trust or give a certain amount of trust and hold back the rest, we are allowing fear to rule us. We reason things out and if it sounds reasonable, because we can be hurt and can be treated badly, it would reason out to remain safe and guarded. To be so guarded, we will never know the fullness of what love and relationships can be. Hanging on to the past is easy to do. Fear is easy to give into and doubts of someone else or ourself is easy to fall into. The thing is... face it.. it seems you are... but find a way to make all the bad stuff less powerful. We give power to the past by hanging on to it and not finding strength to face it and move past it. Many get stuck in the facing it and continue to go over it and over it and I think this may be a stalling pattern to some degree... because it keeps us from actually making ourselves vulnerable. The very things we want... love... relationships, etc... can't go from that stuck stage... Again... fear.

oceanwynds -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/4/2008 3:48:41 PM)
WhiplashSmile, When i met Sir, he too came with a lot of old baggage. His wounds from the past showed themselves be it in his awake hours or his dream time. There were times, I pulled back from him, but my reasoning was to give him the space he needed. I will not discuss things about Sir, but i can tell you stepping back doesn't always mean things are getting worst. Sometimes, people just know space is needed for another to grow. People need to work through their demons of the past. However, I can speak about myself. In my late teens and early 20's I was in a very abusive relationship that broke any trust that was left in me. I so wanted to gain his approval and please him, that I permitted myself to be physically, emotionally and mentally destroyed. Not until years later, when I had a complete mental breakdown, did I even acknowledge the damaged that was done. During that time, I was married to my second hubby, and he stepped back to give me room to heal. That I accomplished and released the past, while with hubby, but only came to find that I didn't release my past for myself. When hubby died all those fears and reactions of things done to me resurfaced. Trust issues came out in full force, and I walked a fine line of sanity for over a year. Sir and I do not live together, which in my case is good. I learned to forgive all things through my ownself and not for another. I released the drama of the past and let the shadows go. Nothing follows me anymore from those days, i am free now. Now i have a lot to offer to someone that can make a good relationship, instead of what I use to offer them, my core of damage goods. I seek no one to heal or fix me now. I know not too, because of doing so in the past. Death came to my husband, and all those shadows of my past, prior to meeting my last husband, came back to haunt me. I do hope you find the best methods to heal from your past. Patience plays a big part in regards to how you deal with yourself. Patience, I learned and apply it now to Sir as well. Nothing worth healing is ever in need of being rushed. Bandaides just don't hold. I hope I didn't rattle too much. It is difficult for me to write about me. blessings oceanwynds

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/5/2008 9:35:52 AM)
Pushing Her Away This morning around 7am, I finally ended up doing the unthinkable, I pushed her away from me completely. don't know if I'm ready for a relationship at this point in time or not. Let me explain something... I don't trust myself... Sunday, I was frustrated. I needed to talk with her. Anyways, when we did talk, I did a mortal sin, I resorted to using a Guilt Trip to get her to open up with me about the truth regarding a totally seperate matter. Basically setting somebody off balance and getting the truth out of them. This actually damaged things between us, to the point she was left wondering if I would or could ever fully trust her about anything. I've been feeling like shit about this ever since, It's been awhile since I pulled this out in a relationship, thought I was past it, above it, over it. Guess not. This is my mortal sin. Anyways, the last few days I have had a lot of issues on my mind, just not liking myself one damn bit. This morning I finally tossed in the Towel and pushed her away from me really hard. In the process, I played upon the Damages I caused Sunday night. I have tried to fess up to the Guilt trips and pushing her away! Started to in an IM exchange, she went poof on me. Damage is done.. :-( I am so sad. She has the most beautiful heart and she is an amazing girl. She has had her share of issues. I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself, I don't trust myself. This is my frame of mind now. So I ended up, and did it on the crappiest manners. I'm thinking about taking a break away from Collarme altogther, I don't know. I know that I have issues, some real and some serious issues. I'm a fucking asshole...

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/5/2008 9:37:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear Sounds like you have made good progress. I have my own ways of dealing with issues from past relationships or associations. Most times I follow the same advise I teach my counselling clients and of course it works, Admittedly, there are one or three I discipate my anger on by mocking up life like dummies and taking then out on a combat ragne which realeses a huge amount of negative energy. I must say I still beloieve that simply catching up with those people and executing them would be more efficient and better however I need to remain within the laws of the land which refuses to sanction any personal executions I may wish to perform... I feel like I've made not really much progress, I had this notion that one can have a healthy CoDependent relationship for too long now. Time to shit can that one.

leadership527 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/5/2008 11:51:50 AM)
quote: I'm thinking about taking a break away from Collarme altogther, I don't know. I know that I have issues, some real and some serious issues. I'm a fucking asshole... Well, not that I know that much about you at all, but honestly, you don't strike me like an asshole. You strike me like a guy who is struggling to summon up the courage necessary to really expose yourself intimately and directly to another human. Join the club. I somehow doubt it's over with the amazing girl unless you make it be over. Now would be a really really good time for you to choose wisely. quote: I had this notion that one can have a healthy CoDependent relationship for too long now. Time to shit can that one. Yeah, good call. I often times think one of the highest prices paid by those who want to be "alternative" is that they end up throwing the book away and ditching pretty much all the popular wisdom of their parents and grand parents. And, of course, the problem with that is that all that stuff got to be "popular wisdom" mostly because it worked. So yeah, you should basically root out in your head all the stuff you think your grandparents [or exchange with other respected authority figure) would laugh at such as "healthy codependent relationship" and examine it closely with an eye towards ditching it.

Lockit -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/5/2008 12:22:02 PM)
I'm very sorry to hear that Whip... I wish there was more that could be said... but at this point I am not sure you can hear or feel anything other than what you are. I do wish you well and will hope you can find your way through this. You are not the monster you may feel you are at this moment. You are a good man, you just have something to work through.

cutuppaperdoll -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/6/2008 8:29:52 AM)
i think you are just thinking too much ; )

angelikaJ -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/6/2008 9:00:15 AM)
I would like to suggest something: find a good therapist. Seriously. When we are in destructive patterns it is very hard to think out way out of them all on out own. Why? because our thinking is faulty... we are often reacting based on faulty input. Sometimes we need to have help in sorting that out.

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/6/2008 10:00:01 AM)
Mmmmmmmmm.. (sheepish grin)...

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Letting things go..Anger, Hurt and CoDependancy. (11/6/2008 10:04:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cutuppaperdoll i think you are just thinking too much ; ) Girl, you're right about that. :-)

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