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Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:15:31 PM

underlimited

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I have started working in the public service sector several months ago. The training required for me to be assertive, strict, demanding, etc. (all the no no(s) for a sub).
Recently, I have found that more and more of Dommes complain that I am being dominating, assertive, complainer, rant, etc.
I was shocked. Why? Because I don't feel any of the above. Surely, I do act assertive and dominating every day at the job. I try to put my mask off when I come home, but it seems that lately, my mask is being stuck.
My question is, how do you express yourself in the right words? The way you feel, and not the way you have to act?

If I am pushy, does that mean I am intentionally doing it, or is it a reflection of a cultural pressure that has formed my ways of speaking?I feel that I am truly submissive, and I truly do beleive that Dominant Women are what I desire, but I may choose the words that won't truly show how I feel. If people feel that my words appear 'dominating, pushy, insincere', then I don't feel, nor do I want to be that person...
Does anyone else have that problem? Or if you are a Dominant, do you sound submissive?
Is this a really big problem? Is it noticeable, and how much you pay attention to it on your profiles and exchange of messages?

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:26:32 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It tends to be more an issue of styles and tolerances. If the people you are involved with wish your behavior to change, then you need to work together to change it or come to an understanding of perspectives where the behavior is acceptable. If they can't do that, then there's an issue of compatibility and/or competency.

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:29:59 PM

colouredin

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I agree with LA, differant people have differant desires about what they want a 'sub' or a partner to be, just as in any other relationship.

If its something you are concerned about my advice would be ask people to pick up on it, tell you when you are being 'pushy' so you can identify what they mean.

Personally I have found some Dominants see confidence as pushy and thats fine as LA said that is a compatability issue

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:34:38 PM

catize

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If you are talking about just on-line, or before I have decided that I want to submit to someone, I am assertive. I say no to demands, and may make some demands of my own; for example if I ask a question I expect an answer, they will be courteous, etc.
I’ve been told many times that I am not a “true” submissive because if someone proposes a hair brained or disgusting (to me) idea, I say,( in a polite way of course,) What? Are ya fuckin’ nuts????
If I haven’t agreed to submit to them I say whatever I want, the way I want to say it.

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:38:39 PM

antipode

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quote:

more and more of Dommes complain that I am being dominating,

If you are intimating your personality is changing, that takes a bit more than "a few months". Beyond that, only you can answer your question. I think your "case", if that is what it is, is a bit contrived, and self-important.

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:50:15 PM

Lilith13

Posts: 20
Joined: 11/2/2008
From: Takoma Park, Maryland
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My job requires that I have an air of authority, and the office politics require that I be assertive at the least. At home we have dealt with this by requiring that I be physically subservient, especially when I speak. It's been effective in tempering my assertiveness, though for others results may vary.

< Message edited by Lilith13 -- 11/4/2008 7:51:06 PM >

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 7:51:07 PM

manxcat

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Quote: If people feel that my words appear 'dominating, pushy, insincere', then I don't feel, nor do I want to be that person...
Does anyone else have that problem? Or if you are a Dominant, do you sound submissive?

I have been told i sound submissive - until you piss me off - even type submissively, as i often don't capitalize I. Then again, i learned the 'look' years ago, used it on my sis in law. Being a writer, in love with words, i can be pretty much to the point without scolding, raising my voice, threatening, etc, as can many Dom/me's. Perhaps it is your choice of words, rather than manner of speaking. I coach people in public speaking for all kinds of things, including Poetry Slams, where presentation is 85% of the competition. Sometimes you need to be aggressive, other times not, often in the same slam. Practice, practice, practice.
The best tool, aside from definitive references, and discussion with the complainant is to make some recordings, preferably unbeknownst to you. Then you can then both dissect whether it is attitude or tone or word patterns.
It can also be difficult to turn off the aggression needed in a job. Perhaps you can find some kind of meditative tape on the drive home, to put yourself into a different space, or some kind of physical activity, to burn up any aggressive energy. There are all kinds of behaviour modifications used with aggressive children, teens and even adult (esp child abusers). Google it, and see what might work for you.

Quote: Is this a really big problem? Is it noticeable, and how much you pay attention to it on your profiles and exchange of messages?

Not really, but then again i really don't care. If someone has a problem with it, it's their monkey. If they choose to believe I am submissive, before getting to know me, it's their loss.

Good Luck.
manxy

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Artists make lousy slaves. - Jody Jenson

< Message edited by manxcat -- 11/4/2008 7:55:20 PM >

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 8:03:24 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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It's not a no no for all subs, It just depends on what your owner wants of you. There's plenty of subs allowed to be assertive,

quote:

ORIGINAL: underlimited

I have started working in the public service sector several months ago. The training required for me to be assertive, strict, demanding, etc. (all the no no(s) for a sub).

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 8:15:13 PM

celticlord2112

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quote:

The training required for me to be assertive, strict, demanding, etc. (all the no no(s) for a sub).

The role of the submissive is to acquiesce to the dominant's decisions within the parameters of the relationship. Outside of specific requirements of a specific erstwhile dominant, there is no absolute rule that a submissive not be assertive, strict, or demanding.

My slave is all of the above--at my command.

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/4/2008 11:17:55 PM

came4U

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If how you earn your income requires you to be aggressive then it is a necessity and quite often psychological (even hormonally & physically) hard to turn off control when the clock hits 5pm.

No one actually has the right to complain unless they had to live with you and had the option (and funding) to relieve you of employment responsibilities and pressure and instead support you.

Until some Domme does support you and puts a roof over your head and food in your belly, don't allow these unrealistic judgements from persons who do not and cannot accept the transition-time it takes between work and time off submissiveness to kick in.

You do have to pay your bills, eat and have a dwelling first and foremost. If others and yourself are missing out on the enjoyment of your submissiveness, then another occupation or the loss of your status is an option. Up to you if you decide to learn other ways to adapt to the adjustment or if you cannot do either scenerio without some conflict arising from the other.

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RE: Can you express yourself? - 11/5/2008 1:49:31 AM

JustDarkness

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Joined: 7/25/2008
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quote:

Recently, I have found that more and more of Dommes complain that I am being dominating, assertive, complainer, rant, etc.
I was shocked. Why? Because I don't feel any of the above

beeing well spoken or out spoken, doesn't mean you are dominant, although it helps when beeing one.
Beeing a sub doesn't mean stupid or shy or quiet.
Soem Dom(me)s just want to feel in control and disliek people that come across strong.
(that is one of the reason so many hard discussions are happening between Dom(me)s on here..lol)

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