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Organic relationships - 11/5/2008 1:02:17 PM

colouredin

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The Directing Dominance thread I started this morning got me thinking. Now according to that thread people dont expect insta-D/s its a case of building up to it etc. But I was wondering how does the dynamic start, who leads it off. Im not asking how long it gets to that stage because of course it will vary from person to person, but I am wondering does the Dominant have to make an active decision to be Dominant or is it more organic than that.

If you start the relationship without the dynamic being there at all, how is the relationship re-moulded into the D/s framework?

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/5/2008 1:12:44 PM

pinkwind

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For ourselves i can remember precisely the moment that we went from individuals with a mutual interest and dropped into D/s mode.

We had been chatting by various means, had decided to meet because we felt compatible and connected, were not going to play that first time, but lust and trust gained the upper hand. Yes, all the while respect had built up, but personally i never allowed things to get too far ahead because we had never met. All change!

We were sat on the sofa at Andy's place, full of trepidation, the pair of us, had been drinking coffee and chatting when i made a move to touch him. He caught my hand in mid air, said "No, not yet", looked me straight in the eyes and told me to go upstairs and wait for him on the landing.

Heart having jumped into my throat, all i could do was comply, just knew right then...this is it girl.

We have never looked back, never dropped out of D/s since that day, only evolved a dynamic that suits us.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/5/2008 1:53:50 PM

ProlificNeeds

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With M, we met on totally different terms, with neither of us advertising we were into BDSM. We got along, started talking, and a few edgy comments later we were feeling eachother out before popping the big "So you like whips and canes?" I liked, and was attracted to M before I had any inkling he was into kink or D/s relationships. It didn't change anything other than making me even MORE attracted to him once I found out.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/5/2008 3:28:46 PM

RainydayNE

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he made some mention of it vaguely once while i was at his house. but when i first met him, i didn't know what it was really, and i wasn't looking for it, nor did i know he was into it anyway.
but he was describing it and as i found out what it was, i thought it was interesting. =p and i got really drunk with him once and rambled on about how i like pain alot and being tied up =p
ANYWAY i think that's what happened
something...

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/5/2008 4:55:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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There's a difference between being dominant and actively expressing your dominance. Many people don't seem to know how to modulate themselves- they are either gentlemen or they are assholes. They are either completely passive or they are UBER DOMS.

And the key is in modulation. YOu can become owned in an instant of looking into someone's eyes- but that ownership doesn't have a solid foundation under it. That ONLY comes with time and experience together.

I don't expect (or desire) a first date to crawl on the floor and lick my shoes. But they will go get me napkins and ask to leave the table first.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 3:50:43 AM

DesFIP

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Start small and let it grow at a pace that both people can handle. Example is him saying "I'll pick you up Saturday at 7:00 and we're going to that new steak place". Doing that certainly isn't over the top but is him making the decisions of when and where.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 4:28:44 AM

Twicehappy2x

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I have to say that for Scooter and i it was M/s from the very first hello. But i am one of those where it is or it is not, no middle ground. If i did not feel that way the minute i laid eyes on him i would have said nice to meet you and went home.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 6:01:25 AM

KatyLied

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I enjoy getting to know people and allowing a relationship room to grow in whatever manner it will. Sometimes it stays, sometimes it goes, sometimes it's a disappointment, sometimes it is a wonderful experience. I don't force or rush things, I don't see the value in it. If someone is going to seriously dominate me, we have to get along well in the vanilla ways or it will never work for me. Fortunately for me, this recipe seems to work well.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 7:29:02 AM

antipode

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I personally prefer the hybrid dynamic. (Organic? Whatchatalkinbout? As opposed to what - processed? Chemical?)

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 1:13:37 PM

agirl

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We were just friends for years. He became someone whose opinion and guidance I found myself looking for and relying on. He didn't impose it on me at any time, until I actually became his.

Once I was his, it changed completely from suggesting to insisting.

He never was anything but himself, I was not anything but myself. He IS a dominant man , I am not anything in particular. I didn't follow him because he was * a dominant* , I followed him because he made sense and was fully equipped to do the job of being in control of me and my life.

The decision was based on common-sense from my side and on practical aspects from his.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 11/6/2008 1:14:05 PM >

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 4:40:03 PM

LydiaSciKitten

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Mmm, it can get very complicated. To give my case as an example, we started off as casual sex and mutual intellectual stimulation, and we although we did both identify as kinky, we never set off to have a D/s relationship. Or a relationship at all for that matter. Through mostly our sexual relationship we discovered the D and s tendecies in one another, and were pleasantly surprised to find we complimented each other very nicely in that way. Slowly we went from friends with benefits to something, and as affection kicked in, his affection manifested itself as the desire to improve me and see me do well, and be beautiful, and my affection expressed itself as, well, some form of primitive adoration. And as affection grew, these expressions grew as well, to the point that what came natural to us was to fall first into a casual D/s, and then a slightly more profound D/s. And now, well, although He doesn't make me do things I don't wish to do, and though He doesn't make use of all of the power over me that is available to Him, we have pretty much the dynamics of TPE.

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 8:57:20 PM

DavanKael

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I'm gonna go with the 3 most important partnered relationships I have had to date, in my estimation:
Marriage: No overt D/s stuff (He wasn't open to it) but I served from the start. I've since identified it in that way; at that time, it was, to me being a good wife. I now recognize it as both! :>
Poly relationship during marriage where I was on the D-side of the kneel: The dynamic grew across time. What he perceived as my Dominance annoyed him initially, then he realized he was in error about that (He thought I was Dominant in my marriage but came to realize my husband was just apathetic and someone needed to get things done). He annoyedme at first because I perceived him as disrespectful. He grew to be part of the family and, years later, the D/s facets of our relationship blossomed.
Recent relationship in which I behaved in submission to that partner: Immediate D/s dynamic. When he broke the synamic, I had to fight with myself not to behave in the ways that came naturally.
Who knows what the future will bring. Waiting is.
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 11/6/2008 9:51:48 PM >

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RE: Organic relationships - 11/6/2008 9:02:18 PM

RainydayNE

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one thing i found really interesting was that something about him made me want to "do things"
like pick stuff up if he dropped it (it's alot easier that way because he's so tall =p) or go and get things for him, or brush his hair
whatever
i dunno
something about him brought that out
and it was very nice :)

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