RE: I think I have a unique situation

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: I think I have a unique situation

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: I think I have a unique situation

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 2:20:00 PM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716
A few times when he told me something contradictory to the lifestyle norm, Ive had to bite my tounge not to correct him.

A tip: Every dominant goes against lifestyle norm on a regular basis.

#1, what are you two talking about.. hand me a clue?
#2, screw the norm. HE'S the Master.. whatever HE wants, simply magically becomes law. his slave has no place second-guessing what "he" wants.

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to fastlane)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 2:22:20 PM

Webmaster60

Posts: 396
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Switch.
You may not want to, but do it anyway. For 24 hours!
Dominate his ass. Control him, manipulate him, order him, show him the Dominance that you expect from him. Take things that you would like him to do and exhibit toward you and do it to him....as an example, a learning tool.

OMFG.. lmao.. girl.. if you listen to that.. the ONLY think you can successfully do (IF you want a Master/slave relationship) is KILL what you have.. Don't even THINK on it.. That is such a BAD idea, it should render its publisher... well nevermind..

DONT

_____________________________

Master Michael
~~~~~~~~~~
"To sin in silence when he should
speak makes cowards of men"

(in reply to fastlane)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/19/2005 7:05:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Webmaster60
#1, what are you two talking about.. hand me a clue?
#2, screw the norm. HE'S the Master.. whatever HE wants, simply magically becomes law. his slave has no place second-guessing what "he" wants.

LOL @ #1. It didn't matter to me- whatever you would say, every dom goes against it on a regular basis :)

Oh and some masters DO want their slaves to second guess what they want, they even train them to do it.

(in reply to Webmaster60)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 12/20/2005 12:18:11 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
LOL @ #1. It didn't matter to me- whatever you would say, every dom goes against it on a regular basis :)

Oh, LA, don't you know that when he breaks the rules he's abusing you? You need to stop being such a doormat!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 6:11:41 PM

lilriv

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom. Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working towards deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appriciated.

I think part of the dilemma you face is that you want to show him what you want, but you don't want to hand it to him, either. He needs to take initiative. And this is important not just in a sub/dom relationship, but any relationship you'll ever be in. When he shows you he's taking the time to learn both what he wants and what you want (and decide on his own whether to allow or withhold), you feel he cares for you. I agree with everybody else who's said to point him to the literature, but don't read it for him. If he doesn't take hold, then it isn't you, it's him. At this point, you don't know yet. If he shows no interest in becoming the stronger master it takes to control you, then perhaps it may be that he just isn't the right master for you. You can nudge him along, but you can't make him into something he may not be.

You've discovered something that makes you happy or fulfilled or answers a need that perhaps hadn't been answered before. And part of that discovering is learning whether you've found the master that's right for you or not. So, give him a little more time and see where it goes. If you still feel like he isn't able to control you the way you need to be controlled, then it'll be time to reassess the situation.

Let us know what does (and doesn't) work!

< Message edited by lilriv -- 4/10/2006 6:13:07 PM >

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 6:24:25 PM

sweetbbwsub31

Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for this post. i am in a similar situation in which my partner has an interest and i am in the process of teaching him what i know. i have had a Dom outside our relationship but dream of someday having him as my Dom as well as my life partner.

It is a slow process.. but with communication and some experienced mentors anything is possible.

Anyway, my point is that your situation is not as unique as you might think.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 6:26:43 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I think I have a unique situation right here. I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom. Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working toward deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgeable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appreciated.

Fairly common situation to be honest.

Advice:

If your 'dominant' is truly interested in this he needs to find a different source for education. He needs to strike out on his own by either reading or getting involved with a peer group (be it online or real-time). He needs to reach mastery on his own.

What you described is not unique & the most common remark I have heard made by the experienced sub when speaking about their new dominant is exactly what you said... you find yourself being the one in control.

Subs cannot train (or create) their own dominant. This person is going to have to recognize this within himself & either embrace it... or find his on path without this. You on the other hand will have to accept what he decides even if he decides this is not something he has any interest in... or quite possibly worse (?) that he discovers that he is not a dominant.

Good luck with it all

ps... you need to draw a line. Recognize when you are over-stepping & being that horrid sub that tops their dom (so to speak). You admitted that you find yourself taking control... well crack yourself on the knuckles or something, get yourself in check. If he catches on to this, maybe he will recognize this when it happens & eventually he will devise his own punishment & reward system & keep you in check on his own.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 7:03:26 PM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Kevin,

A unique take on the situation...I cannot see it working, but I LIKE it.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to fastlane)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 7:10:26 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

and the two shall become as one......it is a 50/50 deal, you suck 100% of the cock, I change 100% of the ties and haul out 100% of the trash, you do 100% of the dressings to the nines for my pleasure.

and so it goes...........

What could be more equitable?

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Cloudz)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 9:41:33 PM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

There is one reason it's not as uncommon as you'd think.. basically that subbie inside was there when you were dating, and you probably picked up on his innate domlies.

If you're anything like many of us in that same situation, this stuff will ring true:

You reacted submissivly to him in many ways, and he acted dominant. You loved it. But when he got too overt about it, you pulled up the well trained nilla feminist and asserted your independance, which he kind of liked too, because it stoked his need to dominate something worth owning.

That is the single hardest thing to overcome, we're telling "The Him" we want them in control, but they don't exactly trust it's not a phase, because we spent years alternating between submitting and exerting independance. (And some out- n- out rebellion!)

When you have to teach him things, and you feel like you "have to be the one in control" realise that's not accurate. His dominance of you is not based on out-knowing you. How many jobs have we held where the boss was truly the most knowledgable person on the premises? Not too many. Somehow, the boss is always the boss even when the boss knows only one thing: how to get the right info from the right people in time to impress the client. Soon, you'll have to stop being his knowledge-base, He's got to collect His own resources and rely on your info less, so only offer it if asked, then backing up to only offering when ordered or assigned to. (lifestyle info meant here, NOT info about yourself, or the relationship things all subs have input on, you know which things i mean)

The suggestion of promising to steer clear of some educational forums while he learns away from your oversight is fantastic. It might kill you for wanting to make sure he's being exposed to good solid info, but at some point we have to trust they are as capable of weeding out bad info as we were in the beginning. i would love to say help him find some mentors, but just imagine if He makes friends on his own, he'll be mentoring with Doms who have a style he likes and would like to emulate, which will be best for him and you.

If you live near Austin, there is a 6 month Dom Mentors program offered thru SAADE, and a truncated form of it is offered in Dallas as well. The same Mentors will be offering the program in Nashville June-Dec thru GrownUps University.. it's a good opportunity for Doms and Dommes to connect with others. i'll list that link in the "Upcoming Events" section of the message boards.

(ok, checking OP profile, i see you're 18, so the comments about years of history don't apply here, but i decided to let it stay because of how many subs in similar situations it might apply to.)

(in reply to Webmaster60)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/10/2006 11:06:22 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

I have a question.

What the heck is the lifestyle norm and why didn’t I get the memo?

(in reply to foxglove716)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: I think I have a unique situation - 4/11/2006 1:32:07 AM

Zensee

Posts: 1564
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I think I have a unique situation right here. I am the submissive in the relationship, but I am the one who introduced D/s, and really converted the man who is now my Dom. Because of this, I seem to end up controlling some aspects of our relationship, and being the one more in control. He and I are both working towards deeper Dominant/submissive roles, but the going is tough because I tend to be the more knowledgable one. Any advice, either for us as a couple or for Him would be greatly appriciated.

You want it but does he? All the great advice you have received won't accomplish anything if he is only doing this to please you. Make sure being a Dom is his need, not your fantasy - or there is only grief in your future.

Z.

_____________________________

"Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." (proverb)

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Profile

Post #: 32