Seeking Advice..

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jenny722 -> Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 10:40:33 AM)
I'm a new sub, have been interested in the scene for a while, but haven't ever actually played anything out irl. A few months ago I met a Dom online that I've gotten incredibly close with, and we actually did meet once, in public (no play involved, although he did press me against the wall to kiss me which was unexpected). While this meeting definitely excited me, I'm finding myself incredibly apprehensive to meeting with him again, as I know that he wants a "play date" the next time. He's controlled me via phone and online before, and I do trust him. Anytime I think about actually submitting to him though, I'm overcome by overwhelming fear and anxiety. I try to remind myself how well he knows me from our previous conversations, and I'm not even that worried about the act itself - I'm just worried about the aftermath. I"m in a relationship with someone who's pretty vanilla, and the Dom knows this. And I d on't feel I can tell her (my gf) that I want this man to dominate me. But I'm worried that there will be marks which she may see. I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her and 2.because maybe I'll like him and want him to myself (which isn't possible - he's in a long-term open relationship, plus distance). Why am I spewing this story here? Because I feel so alone and scared in this.. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to think that I don't want to submit to him, because if I ever trusted someone enough to submit, it would certainly be him. I just want to know I'm not alone maybe.. That its always this scary before you've experienced it? Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated!

angelikaJ -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 10:52:35 AM)
((hugs))) I know you feel alone but you aren't. Don't play before you are ready to.

CalifChick -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 10:52:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jenny722 I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her In my opinion, everything else is irrelevant until you resolve this part. Nothing good can come of sneaking around on someone that is important to you. Cali

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:01:20 AM)
If you are apprenhensive you probably have reason to be. Trust takes time to build, if you feel apprehensive about him then the trust obviously isn't there yet for you. That's no one's fault, that's just how things work. Secondly, if you feel there is a moral conflict, then there is, don't compromise yourself or your loyalty to your gf just to jump into a new experience. Lots of Dom's in the ocean ect ect. Maybe this one will remain friends with you and some day when you're ready you can explore further. If he's any kind of considerate individual, he'll appreciate you being honest with him instead of forcing yourself to something that will cause grief or misery.

persephonee -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:05:51 AM)
Yeah...what Cali said. And from what youre describing, it seems more like a scene or session than honest submission. If thats what you want to do, get permission from your partner to do so.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:09:44 AM)
quote: Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated! posts regarding cheating generally get a lot of negative attention, so be prepared for a lot of "cheater's suck!!!" or "cheating is evil!" responses that don't really address the question you raise. quote: ...I just want to know I'm not alone maybe.. That its always this scary before you've experienced it?... some find submission, or even bottom-ing scary, some find it exciting, for some it is a struggle and a challenge to submit or bottom, for others, it's a struggle and a challenge NOT to.

jenny722 -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:10:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds If you are apprenhensive you probably have reason to be. Trust takes time to build, if you feel apprehensive about him then the trust obviously isn't there yet for you. That's no one's fault, that's just how things work. Secondly, if you feel there is a moral conflict, then there is, don't compromise yourself or your loyalty to your gf just to jump into a new experience. The thing is.. I've cheated before. Not just physically, but completely fell in love with a man. And.. I don't think I'd have a moral conflict with sleeping with that man again, because I've already done it.. and my feelings for him are so strong. But the truth is, I haven't slept with that man, or any man in 8+ months. She trusts me, and I don't want to betray her. At the same time though, the thought of submitting turns me on. It gets me going, and I want to try it out. And this Dom.. the relationship I've built with him, all of that seems right. And that's the thing - he is a great friend. What I'd consider to be one of my best friends at this point. And as a Dom, I dont want to disappoint him. ... SO confused . Thank you all though - for your input.

jenny722 -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:14:20 AM)
.. I feel like a complete idiot after re-reading my posts. Like I'm playing in something I should just not be in. I don't know.. I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time. The thing is.. whether I have a scene with him or not, regardless of what I've done in my past, I'm always morally conflicted. I am a wreck in and of myself. Sorry.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:18:20 AM)
No need to apologize for being confused, at least you're thinking about it before you act upon it. What you decide to do, and what you are okay with doing, is ultimately up to you. Taking time to think it through first, is no crime at all, no one should condemn you for that.

tazzygirl -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:30:42 AM)
the nerves and axiety could be coming from your conflicting feelings... and perhaps the realization that you could very well lose what you have for a play date? only you live your life. no one can speak for you, think for you, or accept the consequences of your actions but you. think before you leap. weigh all your options, then push ahead with whatever your heart tells you. thats all the advice i can give. good luck to you tazzy

myotherself -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:34:55 AM)
~fr~ I was in a similar position - had the chance to play with someone while partnered with someone else. I felt guilty beforehand about cheating, but convinced myself that as long as we didn't have full sex, it wasn't cheating. I went through with it, had a great time with the Dom in question, and then hated myself afterwards for having done it. But that's me, and every relationship is different. My advice? Listen to the little voice in your head - it's your conscience. If you can deal with the secrecy of this meeting with the Dom, then go ahead. If you feel conflicted and are using words like 'cheating', then maybe you've answered your own question. Good luck with your decision. MoS

CalifChick -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:35:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jenny722 The thing is.. I've cheated before. Not just physically, but completely fell in love with a man. And.. I don't think I'd have a moral conflict with sleeping with that man again, because I've already done it.. and my feelings for him are so strong. Then how about taking some time and examining what you're doing and your motives. Is it the thrill of "cheating"? Is it that you just don't care if you hurt someone else? Is it that you're too afraid to admit that you aren't monogamous? Are you afraid of other people judging you ("she's such a whore"), or are you afraid of judging yourself ("I like sleeping around, so I must be a whore")? Just throwing out some random thoughts to ponder. Cali

jenny722 -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:36:19 AM)
I know what I WANT to do, yet I know what I SHOULD do.. unfortunately, those two rarely if ever align. Why does this make me feel so horrible? I hate being this conflicted. Thank you again everyone for your comments. And I am sorry - I didn't know where else to go with this. Keeping it in my head is just too much for me to mentally handle right now.

jenny722 -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 11:54:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Then how about taking some time and examining what you're doing and your motives. Is it the thrill of "cheating"? Is it that you just don't care if you hurt someone else? Is it that you're too afraid to admit that you aren't monogamous? Are you afraid of other people judging you ("she's such a whore"), or are you afraid of judging yourself ("I like sleeping around, so I must be a whore")? Just throwing out some random thoughts to ponder. Cali Its the feeling that I get when I'm spending time with a man who's attracted to me. Its feeling feminine and attractive. I've always wanted a man to feel that way about me, and well - in my experience they just don't. Ive been with my gf for 4 years, and I do love her and would never want to intentionally hurt her. Its just that she doesn't give me that same feeling that some guys do. (My interest in D/s does go beyond wanting a guy to like me, just fyi) Thank you Cali, for your thought provoking comments.

Barelily -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 12:05:47 PM)
quote: ((hugs))) I know you feel alone but you aren't. Don't play before you are ready to. That pretty much says it all. You have things you need to sort out. Talk to him and explain, if he doesn't understand, move on. Disclaimer: This post was made in response to the post made by jenny722 and is based on my opinion and experiences only.

MasterTslave -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 12:28:49 PM)
I'd say you were not ready for this kind of play date. You must be honest with your girlfriend otherwise you will be really in trouble.

oceanwynds -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 12:30:24 PM)
Hey take a deep breath and just relax for a moment. What does Jenny really want in her life right not? What does Jenny want in her life a year from now? Perhaps it is time you really look at yourself with a postive bend here. Not everyone is cut from an exact pattern. We all have our own persona. You are in love with a woman you been with for 4 years, yet there have been times you wanted a man as well. This doesn't make you a bad person, it just what is within you. Take a deep breath, try not to make an instant decision and find out what Jenny really wants in her life today, next week and so on. oceanwynds

Lockit -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 1:12:25 PM)
Sooner or later the truth always comes out. You have a four year relationship with someone who doesn't know what is going on. You are not being honest with her or yourself in a sense and are confused. You state that you would never want to hurt her intentionally. Okay... question for you. Would it be a mistake if she found out and was hurt because you did this? I would think it wasn't a mistake and that it was intentional because you ignored whatever to make a choice and did what you did despite how it might hurt someone else. So that is intentional in my view of things. Your struggle is understandable, but no good can come of not communicating your true self or this other aspect of yourself to someone who has been in your life in a serious relationship for so long. Not telling is a form of deception or lie. She will feel the last four years have been a lie. You either have to get honest or add to her pain when she does find out and she will because sooner or later you will come to terms with what you are feeling and will have to tell her or she will find out some other way. Hopefully not because of some disease. You have been honest with yourself in knowing you want this and cannot seem to live without it, now you need to be honest with her and give her a choice or two, or your selfishness and it will seem like selfishness.. will ruin many things and create more damage when it doesn't have to. If you care enough to not want to hurt her... which will also hurt you too... then you must care about her. If you care so much, prove it. Either be honest with her or you both will pay the price. Think about it for a while... picture it in your mind. What is said, felt and happens when she finds out her last four years with your kind of love have been a lie? Step outside yourself a bit here and see what you could be doing to others to get your needs met and then do what you will. You might even ask a few around here about their experience in not being honest and doing what you are doing because of their own struggle. Most of them carry some guilt for how they handled things. Be smart, but also be kind.

DavanKael -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 1:29:35 PM)
Hi, jenny722---- You said: I"m worried that I'll be an emotional wreck for 1. cheating on her and 2.because maybe I'll like him and want him to myself (which isn't possible - he's in a long-term open relationship, plus distance). My reply: You're in a relationship. Imo, you should be able to tell your partner about yourself whether or not what you tell them turns them on or not. Why not be open about your need to be Dominated? Cheating is more expedient than communicating your needs and I had someone say to me recently related to ridiculous relational emotional drama, "That's why people cheat: so they don't have to deal with this bullshit." Some of that may be true. Not my way of doing things or of handling things but the huge numbers that admit to cheating say that I am in the vast minority. Anyway, you already feel guilty. Chances are you'll feel more guilty. Then, you may have the misguided urge to come clean (Usually selfish urge). Drama, drama, drama. Notto mention disease potential. Sooooo, if you're gonna do it, be open and let the chips fall where they may. Negotiating with a partner is even better. But, if you're going to cheat, buck up, demand health tests ahead of time, and keep your mouth shut whenyou feel the need to assuage your guilt: I've never cheated but I did once enable cheating and I feel guilty about that still many years later and would take any shots that came to me were it to come out. The liking and wanting him for yourself part is an interesting piece as he's in an open relationship with distance. Now, I have to point out the irony of you potentially wanting to have your cake and eat it too but not others to have the same (No judgment, just observation). If he's in an open relationship, perhaps there is the option of a relationship with you and he having greater permanency that may or may not include your partner as well as his. I don't know the dynamics. I don't know if this is excessive enthusiasm over getting your D/s met for the first time. I don't know you but there are some thoughts. Best wishes, Davan

DesFIP -> RE: Seeking Advice.. (11/6/2008 2:08:46 PM)
One, don't cheat. If you need something this relationship isn't giving you, then tell her about it. Two, don't ever allow someone to force you to play if you aren't ready. Three, if he's more interested in play than in you feeling good about yourself then that's a clear sign that he's not interested in any kind of relationship than you being a booty call. Four, stop cybering with him. In fact stop talking to him until and unless your partner gives approval.

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