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Trust Issues - 11/7/2008 10:32:53 PM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship... well, it's not open... we're swingers and have said that we'd only play with others together. 

He has told me that if we didn't find people to play with pretty soon, who we could agree on, he would feel the need to play by himself.  In previous posts, I explained that his group of swinging friends aren't my cup of tea, and we were looking for other people to play with. 

Anyway, that has very little to do with my "problem". 

Most always, unless he's with his kids, he answers his phone for me.  Tonight, he didn't answer, and I know he's not with his kids, because he sees them certain nights a week. 

So, tonight, his phone isn't going to voicemail and he's supposed to be home... he's not answering.  He's also not responding to IMs either. 

My first instinct is to ask myself "well, who's he off sleeping with?"

Then I worry until he answers/calls me back/whatever. 

I'm concerned, and because of other things he's said, about playing without me if we didn't find someone soon, I don't trust him.  I think I believe that his not communicating with me is signal of him being off with someone else. 

I'm not sure what to do. 

Should I explain to him that when he's not responsive to me and he's supposed to be home, it makes me feel this way?

Should I let it be and not say anything?

I realize some people's suggestion might be to end the relationship.  Many people have suggested that in the past, but it's not in the cards yet. 

Thanks
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RE: Trust Issues - 11/7/2008 10:58:18 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Men dont like to have numerous attempts to call them.   (or IM)

If you are holding on too tight- that in itself can push him away.

I myself would not agree to an open relationship.

Sometimes people are simply busy too.

A sure way to loose him is to hold him to tight. 



(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
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RE: Trust Issues - 11/7/2008 11:10:01 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Wait till tomorrow and find out what happened.  Then you'll either believe his explanation or you won't, and that will tell you how you should proceed.

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RE: Trust Issues - 11/7/2008 11:19:40 PM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline 		I always thought that if you have the stomach to swing, or let him off to dance alone, you can't be the type that tries to chase him down by car or by phone.  I've always been monogamous and so have felt your pain in trying to track someone down, but I can honestly say, it's always been a waste of time usually and energy. 

If he isn't doing someone else and tells you tomorrow, will you believe him?   It seems to me that if he has already said he would be stepping out on his own, and you accepted it, you shouldn't be fretting so much either way.   If he is doing someone else and tells you the truth tomorrow, how will things be different?   M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

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RE: Trust Issues - 11/7/2008 11:34:10 PM   
TabrisMaceth


Posts: 190
Joined: 9/23/2008
From: The Ghost Matrix
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Men dont like to have numerous attempts to call them.   (or IM)


Speak for yourself, boy-o! I love that sorta thing! It shows that someone has actually taken an interest in me.
I'm guess I'm alone in that, though...

-Tabris

_____________________________

I don't like hand baskets. Everything's always going to Hell in them.

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RE: Trust Issues - 11/8/2008 5:33:38 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		nymph, you've got issues with insecurity.  As such, I don't think that you're the best candidate for an open relationship.  I assume your boyfriend was the one who pushed for that.

Should you leave him?  Absolutely not.  He's been honest with you about his intentions throughout.  you're talking about leaving him based on suspicions - you have not caught him in a lie.  It's your own concerns that are causing you issues, not his actions.

For all you know, his phone may be broken and him unaware of it.  It's been only ONE EVENING that he hasn't answered, not a week.

When you do get him, don't accuse.  Tell him truthfully that you've been trying to get him and was worried about him. 


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TabrisMaceth)
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RE: Trust Issues - 11/8/2008 5:36:57 AM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i have alot of trust issues myself. probably one of the main reasons i've not done anything offline as yet.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

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RE: Trust Issues - 11/8/2008 5:48:27 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I think the two of you need to do more talking about the ground rules to your open relationship.  The two of you agreed that you would find other people you both felt comfortable with before you "stepped out" and now he is unilaterally changing the rules because it's taking too long. When you agreed to this, was there a time frame?  If not, then he is breaking your agreement and it's natural you should feel betrayed. However, I think you need to examine your motives in who you reject and why. He may feel that you are purposefully dragging your feet in approving someone to keep him from "stepping out". Are you?

Maybe swinging is just not for you. If that's the case you need to take a long hard look at this relationship and ask yourself if it will work. Open relationships can work, but there has to be a stable ground of trust to build on. That trust comes from open honest communication about what each of you needs to feel secure and ground rules need to be established. I have known several open couples and they all do things a little differently, but they all have talked out the rules so both parties feel comfortable. Then they stick to them, or if they want to change something, they talk about it and both agree. 

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Trust Issues - 11/8/2008 6:36:57 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TabrisMaceth

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Men dont like to have numerous attempts to call them.   (or IM)


Speak for yourself, boy-o! I love that sorta thing! It shows that someone has actually taken an interest in me.
I'm guess I'm alone in that, though...

-Tabris


At one point I felt that way.  I probaly did miss a few chances by not being direct.   But I messed up more by being a pest.   I will never forget the 7 page letter I got over this.  "One has to walk alone, before they can walk with someone"   It was crushing- but now I understand.

Being single is not a crises.  There is a certain satisfaction with it.  Another person can never make up for the selfs lack of adequacy.   

Another person will not substitute the me that i need to be for me.

only when i am well balanced, then seeing a guy who is well balanced could work- but not if one or both expect the other to  be the reason for adequacy.

sometimes we build our own traps......  the heartache can be immense.  it is hard to get past that.



(in reply to TabrisMaceth)
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RE: Trust Issues - 11/8/2008 6:44:07 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		The time can seem to go so slowly when you are longing for contact.  Hang in there.  It is easy to jump to conclusions.  His battery could have died, or he could have left his phone somewhere. 

I am in my first poly relationship.  In the beginning it was easy to think that every time I couldn't get in touch with my Master it must mean that he was with another.  The truth is that he leads a normal life - he has to do things like go grocery shopping and have his teeth cleaned.  I realized that I could either make myself miserable sitting back and wondering what he might be doing or I could go on in my life secure in the knowledge that he adores me and that no other will ever take my place as long as I am pleasing to him.  The trick is in finding something positive to dwell on instead of the negative. 


_____________________________



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