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Being Played? - 11/8/2008 7:28:06 PM   
Ariella10


Posts: 17
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, i have a question that i really dont know how to put into words, so please bear
with me.  i am a slave and am feeling i am being played here.  i adore my Master, there is no question of that, however, his actions are leaving me feeling like i have misplaced my trust.  i have been told various things only to have them not materialize or just ignored. We never, ever go out anywhere, it is only sex.  Now, i am not a dog, nor am i the most gorgeous woman in the world.  But i do get alot of looks, and so it cant be that he thinks i'm not good enough to take anywhere.  This relationship has been going since July and i have done everything to make him believe i am sincere. i know he has me watched, i'm not stupid and well, it is obvious something is going on and only has since he has come into my life.  He is always busy and many times out , our times together are put on hold bc he is busy doing something else.  i never get  what i would call a good reason, the odd time yes, but this is becoming all too frequent. Right now i am wondering if he is married.  We never,ever see each other on weekends and i have now been told nothing substantial will happen until June of next year.  Any advice would greatly be appreciated.  I hope like hell i'm wrong, but my gut tells me something is seriouly wrong. Yes, i have asked him and he flatly denies any problems, he says he is only careful bc he has been burned bf.   If this was a vanilla relationship, i'd say get lost fella.  But, since this is my first relationship in this lifestyle (we are not 24/7) i'm beginning to lose hope that this is going anywhere.  Any advice would be appreciated as i'm feeling deserted and downhearted right now.  Thanks to all who answer. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 7:45:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Trust your feelings. Whether he's married or just living with someone else doesn't matter. What does matter is that he's made it clear to you that you are just a booty call. Worse than that, he's having you watched. That's stalking from my pov.

But the bottom line here is if this relationship makes you happy. If it does, then go on as is because it won't ever change for the better.

If it isn't enough for you, then say so and move on. And next time don't get involved with a man who's too cheap or frightened of being seen to even take you to dinner, or go shopping with you, or a picnic in the park. If you want more, then don't settle for less.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 7:47:36 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

If this was a vanilla relationship, i'd say get lost fella. 


Sounds like you already have your answer.  A kinky relationship is still a relationship.  Adding ropes and chains doesn't change the basics.  Follow your instincts and do what's best for you. 

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 7:59:44 PM   
Ariella10


Posts: 17
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		Thank-you for the answers so far.  i'm so fed up right now and have been trying to make sense of this all. i see relationships in this lifestyle are so diverse, and being a newbie it is hard to judge.  What i have expected hasnt happened, what he said though is different from what he promised. Like i said, i'm not stupid and so, we are going to have to have a sit down and discuss this thing.  Its eating me up, he says he cares, but this is caring?  i give more to my animals and maybe, just maybe, i'm wrong, but my gut says something is going on with another here.  DesFIP i have watched what you have said to others in diff forums and respect your opinion immensely.  As for the booty call, that is exactly what it is feeling like and i'm sick of this treatment.  Thanks again for any/all advice.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 8:29:29 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariella10

If this was a vanilla relationship, i'd say get lost fella. 


Sounds like you already have your answer.  A kinky relationship is still a relationship.  Adding ropes and chains doesn't change the basics.  Follow your instincts and do what's best for you. 


I absolutely concur!  If it's not working for you, get out.  You deserve to have your needs met within the relationship.  And the fact that his deeds don't match his promises .... that doesn't leave you much to work with, now does it?  Sorry you're going through this ...

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 8:33:37 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes it is hard to know exactly what might be going on. What type of things get in the way of him meeting up with you? There are things that happen in life. Not to make excuses for him or his behavior in anyway. He could be married, kids, living with someone, a drug or alcohol problem that he won't acknowledge. When my Master comes to visit we don't go out but since I only get to see him for a few hours I cherish our time together and am not interested in going out. I want the time at his side, providing him pleasure and talking with him about things that are going on in our lives. I know a slave and she does not live with her Master and his week-ends are for him only. She doesn't get to see him on the week-ends. She only gets time with him during the week and only when he requests it. She might be at his house doing domestic duties or chores for him but not with him. His is not married, doesn't have other subs over on the week-ends..it is just week-ends are for the boys and tv sports.
 
The most important factor is communication and if he is shutting that down then you need to ask yourself some hard questions and when you 'adore' your Master it is hard to think and come up with a logical answer. Make sure the instinct you are listening too is not from fear. I think most times are gut instincts are correct but just giving  you some additional things to think about regarding your dynamic with him.
 
 

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 8:42:50 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Google him.  No joke.  When I was first getting to know my Master he told me I should check him out on the internet; he welcomed it and said whether I was involved with him or any Dom.  Don't just use his name but the first part of his email address, too.  Keep in mind that other's may also have his name or screen name, so don't panic if you find something unusual, but keep your eyes wide open.

_____________________________



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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 8:46:17 PM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		Ariella, you have to go with what you know, instead of worry about and guess what you don't know for a fact.

Regardless if he is involved or not with somebody, there is something wrong with your relationship for you.  Meaning this, you are wanting more and desire something more besides what he is doing.   Unless this changes for you, it sounds like it's not going to work out (the relationship won't work).

None of us here nor do you know if he's married or involved.  The fact remains that his actions raise your doubts.  Basically you don't know the reason, just that generally men who are married and involved behave the same way.   Let me point out, that workaholics and other people who's time and attention is more focused on other areas of life. 

Regardless of the case, his time, focus and attention is somewhere else.  You know it.  You just don't know what it is.  Does it really matter, unless he does something on his end to fix it? 

Go with what you do know, instead of guess at what is really is.  Ask him questions, express yourself, see what happens, what's the worse that can happen?

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 11:19:19 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Ariella ... although I sympathize with you I feel the word `played` is over used these days. I know when I hear or think of being played its with a direct assumption that there was intent behind the action. Almost like someone put forethought into a way to use. Sure, there are some people out there that are only out for themselves, but many have a conscious and know right from wrong. I believe it's the later who we accuse the most of being `players`. Problem is we have to take our responsibilities in what we allow ourself to be a part of. It's playing havoc with your self esteem right now.
I have to ask you. But do you honestly believe his intent is to use you? Trust me I'm not defending him. What I am saying is your being to hard on yourself. Find your center, stop agonizing over what he's doing or not doing. Accept what ever answer your given and take it for what it's worth. They are ONLY words. His actions speak for themselves. And that is your gut talking when you weigh words against what really happens.
You have a choice. It's your to make. Either you believe or you dont. It's hard to hang onto warm vapor when there is no follow through. Only you know if this feeds you enough to ride it out.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/8/2008 11:25:36 PM   
StayOfExecution


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline 		There are an awful lot of red flags here.   Going by what you've said, something seems really "off" about him.   Actions speak louder than words.  And when someone's words do not align with their actions, there's usually a reason for that, and it's not a good one.

_____________________________

I'm not the gambling kind. And you look like a risk.

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 4:12:39 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Why not show him this thread and post?  Or write out all the things you are fed up with and what conclusions you are drawing because he doesn't give you enough information to not to feel any other way.  Is he new to this lifestyle?  Perhaps he isn't sure how to handle you or it.  Maybe he enjoys being alone with you in the short time you guys have together, instead of going out.  He is having you watched?  By who and what is your Master's reasoning for this?

Sometimes you have to lay things on the table and say -- hey, this is how i feel, this is what i think, and i am very unhappy to the point i am allowing thoughts that make me very uneasy and i am not sure i can remain in the relationship if things continue.   BUT if you do, be very sure you want it to end if you give the hint that you are giving him an ultimatum, if things don't change, and really make sure you want it to change..

What i mean by the last thing is, he may just give you what you want.  Be sure you really know what that is. 

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to StayOfExecution)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 4:31:52 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		You can check public records and find out if he is married.  I would ask him what is happening in June of next year.  Give him as much time/attention as he gives you.  This way you aren't always waiting for him to make his move and you aren't spending your time being available to him.  It also depends on your preferences.  If you don't want to be treated as a booty call then tell him you need more time together doing things other than sex.

spell edit


< Message edited by KatyLied -- 11/9/2008 5:19:27 AM >

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 4:58:43 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Hi, in conjunction with what KatyLied said, if you do check him out on the internet or you check public records TELL HIM you are before you do it.  I don't mean get his permission, just tell him what you are doing so he is fully aware and you are showing him you don't feel you are doing something wrong by checking him out because of how he has made you feel.  Or to me, if you get to this point and you keep it a secret from him, i wouldn't bother continuing the relationship.  Trust works both ways, don't sneak around trying to find out answers, be open and honest about it. 

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 5:34:51 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Tell him no more sex unless it is at 'his' place.

Bet all of a sudden he is not so eager to have sex. lol

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 5:58:07 AM   
Twicehappy2x


Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline 		A few questions you really don't have to answer publicly but you need to ask yourself.
 
Do you have his home phone number or only his work/cell?
 
If you have his home phone number are the times you are allowed to call restricted?
 
Do you know his home address?
 
Have you ever been to his home?
 
Has he introduced you to his friends?
 
If you answer no to one or more of the above questions, there is a high probability that he is married/committed.
 
If you know his full name go to People Search and look for him. You can find out if he is married for free though it will not tell you if he is just living with somebody.

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 6:37:47 AM   
shivermetimbers


Posts: 2060
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline 		I'm only speaking in terms of some simililarities I saw between you and I, regarding this being your first relationship. After many years of searching, I literally jumped at the first chance to be in a BDSM relationship, and it was out right failure.  I was way too eager, and though I feel that on some levels I was being used, in the end it was all my fault, because I made the final choice to enter into the relationship.  I was just too eager, and when fantasy and reality didn't coincide, it was a cold slap on the face.  All that resulted was hard feelings on both parties part.  The final reality of it was, after having a chance to reflect over it, the entire situation was something I had no business being a part of, and for the other, they should have known that I wasn't for them either. What I thought I was and what I thought it was going to be like were different then what I expected.  It is now a very positive learning experience for me, and what I learned about myself was important, but I'd rather not have had to go through the school of hard knocks once again in my life.

You seem to be going through the same thing, i.e. that you possibly had a preconceived notion of what a BDSM relationship was going to be like, and what serving a Dominant would be like, but it isn't matching up with reality.  Most of us usually don't want to admit we made a mistake in a relationship choice, and have a tendency to put all of the fault on the other person for whatever reason when things aren't working out like we had hoped.  Many of us also tend to try and "fix" a situation that can't be fixed and stay in the relationship longer than we should have. 

I think you know the answer to what you need to do.  Well over a year ago I posted my "oh woe is me" thread, and instead of the pity party I was looking for, I got sound criticism instead.  It was a wake up call that I needed.  IMHO, you seem to be in the same stages I was, a feeling of failing which you never consider would have happened because you may have had an unrealistic expectation that those in this life are somehow on a higher level then those practicing a vanilla life.  Now you are learning that choosing someone in this lifestyle is no different then choosing someone in a vanilla relationship, and of course, you know what you said about that had your current situation been a vanilla relationship. 

Best of luck to you, and I hope no matter how things turn out, that you can look at this first relationship and the issues you are having now are the wake up call you need.

_____________________________

I love you Deanna, you make every day a better day.

If we descended from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ3CJi0Ih9s&feature=player_embedded

http://www.thebuccozone.com/piratesong.htm

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 7:00:38 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

You can check public records and find out if he is married.  I would ask him what is happening in June of next year. 



This will only work if he has given his real name.
Have you seen any form of id?
What do you mean by he's having you watched? If he is then he clearly doesn't trust you or he's just saying this to make you paranoid and thats not good either

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 11/9/2008 7:01:25 AM >

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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 8:56:21 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		you're not being played; you're getting what you put up with.

(in reply to Ariella10)
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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 9:03:46 AM   
LydiaSciKitten


Posts: 43
Joined: 10/16/2008
From: Luxembourg, now in UK
Status: offline 		You might identify as a slave, but you still are a person that deserves respect and their needs fulfilled when in a relationship. Confront him about it. And when I say confront, I mean strongly. My guess is that he is either married or in another serious vanilla relationship, or he does not feel any emotional attachment for you, but nevertheless likes the sexual ascpect of the M/s relationship too much to let you know. In either case, he is an asshole. And Master or no Master, an asshole is an asshole and deserves to be treated as one. So if he cannot provide a non-escapist answer to your worries, screw him and run off. You sound like a thoughtful and dedicated person, and you obviously deserve better.

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RE: Being Played? - 11/9/2008 10:59:05 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You "adore" a man who won't take you out, sees you only for sex, who tells you one thing and does another, who has you watched (doesn't trust you), is too busy to see you, won't see you if he has something better to do, won't see you on a weekend, and appears to lie to you.......

May I ask how you came to adore this wonderful, caring, thoughtful man?  (drips of sarcasm)

(in reply to Ariella10)
Profile   Post #: 20
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