When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with?

When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (Full Version)

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ProlificNeeds -> When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/8/2008 11:06:55 PM)
Not so much a burning question as a reflection while I sit here stone walled yet again. What do you do when communication fails with your Dom? Not just once, not just a bad day or a bad week, but when you continually are shut out or the other refuses to proceed along any course of conversation that discusses issues you are having? Do you try and try again, do you try then wait for the other party to come talk to you when they are ready... and how long do you keep trying or waiting? Hedging this in generalized terms as I'm not at liberty to discuss my personal situation, but am curious how others deal with a very clear lack of communication inside their relationship(s)?

NuevaVida -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/8/2008 11:14:25 PM)
I dealt with the fact that he wasn't my "friend" and I was telling him for informational purposes only. And then I would proceed to deal with my issues the best way I could. If he thought I was off course in dealing with them, he would step in. It wasn't easy, but it's how it was with us.

Quivver -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/8/2008 11:24:50 PM)
Re word it. Use clear, to the point, short sentences. And if all else fails ... like Nueva Vida says, wing it on your own if he's too uninterested to listen.

marie2 -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 12:03:20 AM)
I don't know your situation, but I'm going to interject a possibility that may or may not apply. I really don't think that communication is all that difficult between two relatively intelligent people, so when there seems to be a continual problem with communication, I've observed that it's not a communication issue at all, but a situation where the person who doesn't seem to be able to communicate is actually unwilling to address the issue at hand. I was involved at one point with a dom who was probably the most intelligent and well-articulated person that I have ever personally known. Yet during our relationship any time there was an issue or something that I needed to discuss, we always ended up with this seemingly huge gap between us where we just couldn't get to the heart of the matter. I used to think that for whatever reason he and I just could not communicate well, yet I couldn't understand why, as I know that I am pretty good at laying my point across pretty clearly and I'm not a stupid person who can't understand English. He didn't have a problem getting a point across very clearly about anything else that we talked about. It was only when there was a "problem" between us that suddenly he just couldn't find a way to communicate effectively. It would seem that he would skirt the topic, give me some mumbo jumbo answer, pull the rank card, tell me I was being argumentative, or he was too tired to deal with it etc etc. He would do whatever it took to not address the heart of the matter. And it was the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced. After a while I realized that what I thought was an inability on his part to function and communicate in a personal relationship, was really an unwillingness to "go there" and address certain things that he didn't want to have to deal with. I'm not saying this is the case for you. I'm just putting it out there for you to consider.

babygirlkitten -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 3:42:11 AM)
If I was in a situation where I'd tried all I could possibly think of to effectively communicate with my partner, and met with a brick wall, I'd seek couples' counseling. If that didn't improve things, I'd leave.

colouredin -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 4:34:51 AM)
I know what you mean, sometimes you can keep bringing things up and no matter how you wordn it nothing changes and then comments like why do we keep talking about this start occuring. I dont really know what to do, I know eventually though it can lead to miscommunication in every area and the relationship making you less happy than happy at which point i guess you have to make a choice, is it worth it to carry on with the issues still there or cut your losses.

Roselaure -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 5:34:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds Not so much a burning question as a reflection while I sit here stone walled yet again. What do you do when communication fails with your Dom? Not just once, not just a bad day or a bad week, but when you continually are shut out or the other refuses to proceed along any course of conversation that discusses issues you are having? Do you try and try again, do you try then wait for the other party to come talk to you when they are ready... and how long do you keep trying or waiting? Hedging this in generalized terms as I'm not at liberty to discuss my personal situation, but am curious how others deal with a very clear lack of communication inside their relationship(s)? This sounds like my first husband. Not a bad man, but completely walled off emotionally. I did everything I could to get through. I tried to go around, climb over, tunnel under that wall. I begged, pleaded and cajoled to be allowed through the gate. I showed I was trustworthy and waited patiently to be invited in. We were married for 13 year and it never happened.

agirl -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 5:42:28 AM)
You may have done this already but I write to him if there's anything that appears to be difficult face to face. It takes away any pressure for him to 'solve' the bothersome issue or feeling any pressure to deal with it there and then. I write the problem down devoid of any emotional language and include some things that I think would help, which gives him an indication of what I might be hoping for. He then has all the information in front of him and can decide how to proceed. Often just reading through what I've written, I can see that MY approach has been less than helpful and unclear, and dare I admit this? whiny.......lol. agirl

chamberqueen -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 5:51:26 AM)
Men tend to want to "fix" things. Sometimes they feel frustrated when they know they can't and tend to shut down the lines of communication. If I have a problem it is easier for me to put it in writing, go back and cut out the excess, and then chose whether to say it aloud or send it as an email. There are times that I can keep the excess emotion out when I put it into writing. Some people, especially men, are more closed off than others. While a Dom might want to know what you are thinking or feeling they might show little of themselves in return. They might rarely reference how they "feel" about anything. That can lead to the sub feeling shut out, like she is worthy of being spoken to on an intellectual level but not being allowed to see inside. It is not as prevalent in younger generations but is still common in many men. It is a cultural thing, the way men were taught to be men. There are times when you just need to accept this in a person. I have found that by being patient and accepting that over time their trust also grows and you start to see the soft spots under the armor. Treasure those in your own heart but don't make too big a deal out of them to him or he may want to cover back up. One person can never understand completely how another feels, and he may not be able to show the empathy that you expect in certain situations but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for and/or about you.

greeneyedreamer -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 6:03:54 AM)
I can't say how I have handled communication that breaks down, but i can say how we keep it going. We have a joint journal. it's a diary site, we keep it private and when i have something to discuss, i write it there and if he wants to tell me something, he writes it. even if we are busy, we can go back and read it when we can. Then we discuss the things in it together when we see each other. Makes for very open lines of communication.

littlewonder -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 6:45:34 AM)
If I feel communication is a continual problem I will tell him I think we're having communication problems and if he still refuses to discuss the problems then at this point I pretty much give up on the relationship and I move on. I need clear, concise communication from people around me. When I don't have it I tend to leave them standing where they are as I walk away. I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

Padriag -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 7:03:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds What do you do when communication fails with your Dom? Not just once, not just a bad day or a bad week, but when you continually are shut out or the other refuses to proceed along any course of conversation that discusses issues you are having? Do you try and try again, do you try then wait for the other party to come talk to you when they are ready... and how long do you keep trying or waiting? Hedging this in generalized terms as I'm not at liberty to discuss my personal situation, but am curious how others deal with a very clear lack of communication inside their relationship(s)? Not knowing your situation, I'll offer some advice based on my own experience. My first piece of advice... examine the situation... has something changed? If there was communication there in the past, and it isn't now, what has changed to cause that? Are those circumstances temporary or something you can help improve? I'll share an example from my own past. I had a slave staying with me for awhile. Initially things were pretty good and we got along well... communication was good. Then things changed... I got really stressed out over some problems not related to her, then add to that that she wasn't serving as well as I would have liked. Communication broke down and she did not handle it well. She became frustrated and at times afraid to talk to me (short temper on my part). Her response was to close off, which just made matters worse. What I would have liked (besides having managed my own stress better), would have been for her to be more understanding of what was going on. I would have liked for her to think about what I was going through, realize that my short temper was due to the many problems I was confronted with, and for her to have been more supportive. I would have also liked her to have made more of an effort to serve as I expected, instead, she got worse. Things didn't end well. I don't know if your situation in any way compares to that. Hopefully, you'll find some useful advice in that. If there was never good communication, or none at all, then I really don't know what to say.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 7:07:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 I don't know your situation, but I'm going to interject a possibility that may or may not apply. I really don't think that communication is all that difficult between two relatively intelligent people, so when there seems to be a continual problem with communication, I've observed that it's not a communication issue at all, but a situation where the person who doesn't seem to be able to communicate is actually unwilling to address the issue at hand. I was involved at one point with a dom who was probably the most intelligent and well-articulated person that I have ever personally known. Yet during our relationship any time there was an issue or something that I needed to discuss, we always ended up with this seemingly huge gap between us where we just couldn't get to the heart of the matter. I used to think that for whatever reason he and I just could not communicate well, yet I couldn't understand why, as I know that I am pretty good at laying my point across pretty clearly and I'm not a stupid person who can't understand English. He didn't have a problem getting a point across very clearly about anything else that we talked about. It was only when there was a "problem" between us that suddenly he just couldn't find a way to communicate effectively. It would seem that he would skirt the topic, give me some mumbo jumbo answer, pull the rank card, tell me I was being argumentative, or he was too tired to deal with it etc etc. He would do whatever it took to not address the heart of the matter. And it was the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced. After a while I realized that what I thought was an inability on his part to function and communicate in a personal relationship, was really an unwillingness to "go there" and address certain things that he didn't want to have to deal with. I'm not saying this is the case for you. I'm just putting it out there for you to consider. This is probably the most apt description. He closes down, and if an "End of topic" doesn't shut me up, then he starts laying out the guilt. Telling me I am making issues and drama. Looking back, maybe this is the reason things seemed 'so good' is because anything unpleasent was avoided and ignored... except now things have cropped up that I just can't ignore. As for the other suggestions of written, I have written, he has yet to even read e-mails I sent dating back as far as october 30th it seems, let alone anything I write now, (Has stated plainly that he hasn't 'had time' to read them). Of course trying to pop it up on something like messanger or the phone doesn't work either, he 'listens' to me for a few minutes then says he's tired or has to go do something, then leaves. The behavior is most frustrating. Thank you for the responses, it has at least helped ease some of my frustration to know it happens elsewhere to other people.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 7:15:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag What I would have liked (besides having managed my own stress better), would have been for her to be more understanding of what was going on. I would have liked for her to think about what I was going through, realize that my short temper was due to the many problems I was confronted with, and for her to have been more supportive. I would have also liked her to have made more of an effort to serve as I expected, instead, she got worse. Things didn't end well. Problem there is, I ask if he has stress/problems and so forth, try to be in touch with how he is mentally and emotionally, and he just says he's fine. He leads a busy life and doesn't get a lot of sleep.. if I point that out gently, that I'm concerned about his lack of sleep or such, he either denies it, or gets irritated. I serve in what ways I can, lately however, the dynamic changed a bit.. and on top of that change, he seems to no longer care if I am happy in the relationship or with where we are at in our D/s... if I show signs of being unhappy he leaves. If I put on my best face and pretend nothing is wrong and everything is great and happy, then he stays. Thank you very much for the response.

Barelily -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 2:04:05 PM)
If it's been going on for a bit and I've tried a few times to open communication...I'd move on...lifes too short to be miserable. I'd go back to my old vanilla marriage if I wanted to live like that. But I would try.

celticlord2112 -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 4:42:28 PM)
quote: What do you do when communication fails with your Dom? Not just once, not just a bad day or a bad week, but when you continually are shut out or the other refuses to proceed along any course of conversation that discusses issues you are having? Communication will fail now and again. It happens. However, when communication persistently fails, one has to question the reality of the relationship. No communication == no relationship.

kyraofMists -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 5:21:45 PM)
There have been times when I have struggled through things and I have not perceived that he has heard me. I would say that most of the time, he has heard me. He just is dealing with the issue the way he wants to and not how I would want to have it dealt with. After knowing him for four years, I trust him and his character enough to know that he will make the best decisions for our relationship. I do my best to communicate clearly and constructively and then trust that he will make the decisions that are best. Knight's Kyra

DesFIP -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 7:21:23 PM)
If he never listens to you, then it isn't a communication issue. The problem is that he doesn't care enough to listen to you. And there's no way you can make him care. If he just interrupts constantly, I'd get up and walk away when he did. And when called on it say simply "you don't listen to me, so I'm not going to listen to you". I'm a great believer in showing people how it feels when they do stuff like that. But my experience is that if someone really does care about your feelings, they will listen. Hell, they'll push you to talk when you're upset and holding back. The ones who don't listen don't care about how you feel, they just want things to go their way and to hell with you being happy.

DavanKael -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 7:42:25 PM)
Lack of communication is one of the few things that can set me to a special kind of crazy. I would not, across a long-term after having attempted to address the issue and not gotten it resolved, stay in a relationship of any kind like that. Davan

mc1234 -> RE: When communication breaks down... or was never there to begin with? (11/9/2008 9:04:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 I was involved at one point with a dom who was probably the most intelligent and well-articulated person that I have ever personally known. Yet during our relationship any time there was an issue or something that I needed to discuss, we always ended up with this seemingly huge gap between us where we just couldn't get to the heart of the matter. I used to think that for whatever reason he and I just could not communicate well, yet I couldn't understand why, as I know that I am pretty good at laying my point across pretty clearly and I'm not a stupid person who can't understand English. He didn't have a problem getting a point across very clearly about anything else that we talked about. It was only when there was a "problem" between us that suddenly he just couldn't find a way to communicate effectively. It would seem that he would skirt the topic, give me some mumbo jumbo answer, pull the rank card, tell me I was being argumentative, or he was too tired to deal with it etc etc. He would do whatever it took to not address the heart of the matter. And it was the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced. Wow marie - you've described a past relationship of mine to a 'T'. The most frustrating thing was that we would have these circular discussions where I just felt he wasn't HEARING me and I was being as clear as possible. It was like there was this wall, like the OP mentions, and it was impossible to hurdle that wall. When all else fails, I turn to email and try and write out my issue very clearly and concisely. If that doesn't get a response, I then realize after awhile that the relationship is failed and we have nowhere left to go.

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