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Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 5:20:00 AM   
Iofiel


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry if this isn't the proper place.  I'm just looking for a little help and advice and having trouble finding it.  If this isn't a good place then I'd really appreciate being directed to somewhere more appropriate.

Basically my situation is this.  I'm a male with submissive tendencies.  I'm in a relationship with a woman that I've been with for a long time (years, not decades).  Overall it's a happy relationship and I love her a great deal.

In day to day life I have no problem being assertive.  However it seems like the closer I get to someone the more shy I get about talking to them about certain things.  Basically I want to tell her about what I would like but I'm too embarassed by it to say anything.  I was hoping someone had some advice about how to tell her, keeping in mind that I'm unlikely to be able to say anything too... direct.

I'm sorry if I didn't provide enough information, but I'll answer questions if I can.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 5:26:13 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Ask her 'have you ever heard of this BDSM stuff?, if so, 'what do you think??'"

That should get the ball rolling, or burst your balloon once and for all.

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


(in reply to Iofiel)
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RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 6:42:56 AM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		I'd suggest writting her a letter. I wouldn't go too extreme to start with, but just a little something you desire. You can mention things that are about her too. Also does she know that you have a hard time opening up once you are in a relationship? If not I'd start there.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to Iofiel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 7:26:43 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I agree - use a letter or a email. Tell her in writing how you feel about opening your heart in person, and tell her what you want her to know. It is a perfectly valid way to communicate, abet a bit round-about. 

One thing i can say for myself - i went into my relationship with my Sir with the determination to be completely honest about my wants and needs, no matter how embarassing or humililating they seemed, and so far, i haven't had a single problem. Your signifigant other needs to know what you want, and need to make the relationship work. How can they be and do what you want if you don't let them know?

Its scary to open yourself, and let someone else know who you are - but it really is vital if you want the relationship that you need. You can't have a relationship built on half-truths and ommissions.

(in reply to SunNMoon)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 12:17:26 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		  I used to have the same problem, Io. I tried mostly everything I could think of, but Vanilla Boyfriend refused to get the hint. If you've already tried everything you can think of, and haven't had any luck...well, I can't give you much advice apart from finding someone else. However, here's a list of things I've tried, however unsucessful they were.

~Buy kinky sex toys as a Valentine's day gift (light kinky...handcuffs, sex dice, a soft 'koosh' flogger)
~Buy and leave out kinky literature: The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, anything else kinky
~Get 'caught' watching kinky porn
~Whenever you see a situation where there's a female dom, mention, "That's kind of hot."
~Give what you'd like to be getting...spankings, bites, pinches
~Finally,when all else fails, pony up and tell them what you'd like. Start small, move big. Probably rattling off a long list of hardcore femdomme fantasies isn't the way to go, but maybe asking her to get rough with you would work (scratches, bites, woman-on-top). She might freak out and leave you, but then you'd be free to seek out what you need and leave a sexually unfulfilling relationship. Worse comes to worse (what happened to me), you'll tell her, she'll completely ignore/disregard you telling her your inner desires, and you have to make the choice to leave an otherwise good relationship to find fulfillment or stay in the stale, unsexy relationship.

Good luck. It's a pretty yucky situation to be in.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 5:08:41 PM   
BLGirl


Posts: 209
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		In addition to all of the previous (excellent) advice, I would suggest that if you two surf the web together, you might be able to use it to your advantage. I mean if something were to pop up in the form of an image of some sort of bondage or power exchange situation, it would definitely open the door for conversation. The trick is to be honest about how you feel about it and allow her time to kinda process a little. Sometimes we see things that we know are not socially acceptable and just because someone else says they like it, doesn't automatically make us open up about their fantasies and possibly to ridicule.
On the other hand, you might see something and whisper in her ear, "I'd like to get you in that position, there is no telling how much fun we'd have," or something along that line. Allow her to follow her line of thinking, to her own conclusion and hopefully you will be close to being on the same page.
 
Helpfully,
BLGirl

(in reply to Iofiel)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 6:51:21 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		My favorite way to bring up something like this was to rent a video featuring what you are into. That way you can gauge her reaction before committing yourself. If her reaction isnt favorable you can always say you oopsed on your selection. LOL 

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to BLGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 7:09:39 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Letter or email, agreed. The problem with being direct is that if you shock them, they're likely to say "OMG you're a fucking pervert" or some such thing. If you can't handle rejection, shock and horror of course you won't be direct.

So write it instead, ask them not to overreact if they're uninterested, and remind them that your ego's on the line, that you're scared and please be kind.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to JessieMe)
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RE: Looking for advice - 11/9/2008 9:09:45 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

they're likely to say "OMG you're a fucking pervert" or some such thing.

Why do people always say that like its a BAD thing?


_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Looking for advice - 11/10/2008 7:56:04 AM   
Iofiel


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/9/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you very much for the suggestions. :)

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Looking for advice - 11/10/2008 8:44:15 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
quote:

they're likely to say "OMG you're a fucking pervert" or some such thing.

Why do people always say that like its a BAD thing?



In my experience it's usually what's said right before they walk out the door, never to return.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Looking for advice - 11/10/2008 2:08:41 PM   
LydiaSciKitten


Posts: 43
Joined: 10/16/2008
From: Luxembourg, now in UK
Status: offline 		Mmmm I suggest to bring her into contact with the mainstream aspects of our 'world'. Try a mainstream movie. The Secretary works wonders, because it's cute and romantic. Also, try saying something to her that gently implies submissiveness. Slowly and smoothly change your behaviour. Instead of 'babes, I love you', say 'I adore you, you are a goddess'. Probably at first she won't notice, but soon you will be able to see whether it makes het uncomfortable or flatters her. You could also try buying her something slightly femdom-ish, like a pair of knee-high heeled boots, nothing extreme mind you, and accompagnie it with a remark of the 'I just love it when you look so perfect and powerful' kind. Go gently if you don't want to lose her. Be patient and hold your horses, and ALWAYS make sure she does not feel like you are trying to use her to accomplish some fantasy of yours, but rather like SHE is the center of your feelings, and SHE inspires the submissive in you.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Looking for advice - 11/10/2008 2:46:15 PM   
AStudyInScarlet


Posts: 79
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		i'd start by addressing the communication problem. tell her there are things you want to open up to her about but are too shy and you're afraid how she'll take it. this should start the ball rolling on creating a safe and open environment to share things in. if she's worth her salt, she'll want you to feel comfortable enough to open up and will reassure you that you can say anything. i don't think forcing her into it by buying toys and porn is a good idea at all. it should be talked about extensively first. i'm sure the last thing you want to do is scare her away. introduce new things slowly and have her be part of the process. remember, few women can say no when a man tells them "i want to treat you like a queen".

lydia's ^ advice is really good

(in reply to Iofiel)
Profile   Post #: 13
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