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Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 7:10:43 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		This can be a bit of touchy subject for some people.  I realize that at times people get perhaps a little too wrapped up in their orientations (Dom/sub) for their own good.

There are many Activities that I have done, or that I'm willing to do or try.  Some activities are a bit of a must have for me.  Not everything activitity I'm into doing or trying is a must have for me.   I come with options.  Meaning these activities are optional for me to do or not to do.

I'm into doing things I enjoy doing, and I'm into doing things my partner in crime is into doing.   Dare I express this, because some people toss around phrases like "service top" to denounce such behaviors from Dominants.  Turn something around and make it sound like it demeaning or a negative.

Personally, I don't have a problem doing something that pleases somebody I love and care about.  Really could give a rats fucking less about if this somehow makes me any less or more Dominant in the eyes of the world.

In fact, so what?  If she enjoys it, and I enjoy it? Where should the shame be?  Pffffftttt... 

It's a bit of a trade off, when it comes to BDSM or kink activities.  There needs to be some common ground between two people.

I'm probally the most flexible person when it comes to S&M play.  It's not something I have to do, and it's not something I have a hang up about doing either.  Again, I come with options.

I enjoy doing, and trying many things.  In fact many of the things I have tried or done, dare I admit it came from having somebody asking me if I was into trying or doing it.  Then on the flip side, I was the one bringing up new things for them to do or try.

When it comes to BDSM/kink activities, I try to take the organic and natural path.  Really don't get too caught up in orientations and over thinking it orientations to death. 

How can I actually be a service top when I'm enjoying it too?  It's pleasing me and my partner.  Sure, I have some hard limits and things that well I'm not really all that crazy about doing. 

I do know this, I hate seeing a grim look upon my partners face.  I tend to be a reaction junkie.  If my girl was to look grim and pathetic about something, well.. it's really not all that excieting for me.  Just seems kinda lame and pointless to try to force it along even more. 

I think in all honestly, two people who are trying to please one another, is the best combination.  At least it is for me personally.

This was all things I figured out on my own before I became aware of "the lifestyle" and I've not bowed down or given into any stereotype expectations that exist in "the lifestyle".   Then again, I'm DOM enough to say, fuck that noise, I want to continue doing things my way and refuse to conform to some mindless expectations of other people that's not right for me or the person I'm with.  lol...

If I can get into an activity, trust me, I'll get into Topping and being all Domly doing that activitity.   Dare I admit it, I might even let a submissive partner do things to me, if they ask me. I myself can have a little flex some areas.  If it's something we both in enjoy, why not? 

If the activities between two is something two people both enjoy, or it's done for the enjoyment of the other, why not?

Some people I feel get a little too wrapped up in their orientations they very moment they hang a label around their neck, and read a lot of posturing bullshit from other people.  The posturing bullshit, just boosts the stereotyping at times.  People start to live their life according to the stereotype and at times most important aspects of the relationship suffer. 

Then again, this is my own personal views and thoughts on this matter.  What counts the most for other people, is the meeting of the minds in their own relationships.  This lifestyle is about relationships, not the idolization of stereotypes and orientations.  Again, this is my own personal view that I'm sharing with other people.
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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 7:19:07 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		So to summarise you are saying it matters not what people label themselves and that it is all about the enjoyment and fulfillment of both parties.
Now there's a new concept

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 7:30:36 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Of course, the image of a "dominant" that you are railing against in this post is one of a cooly detached, uncaring individual who blithely goes about ordering his sub about with not a care in the world as to what the sub might want.  Yeah, that image seems to be perniciously prevalent and yeah, it's wrong for most people.  It's largely crap like that which made me go back to just using the terms "husband" and "wife".  I like 'em.  They're simple.  They describe our relationship well.  And they do not come laden with decades of fantasy baggage to undo before they can be used to make a relationship.

------
And as an aside, CelticLord had some intersesting things to say in a different thread about being "detached".  Either both parties are attached, or both are detached.  But you cannot really have one party in a relationship attached and the other not.  What could the other be attached to?

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 11/10/2008 7:32:29 AM >

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 7:58:33 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		me thinks yer onto something.
One of the qualities i love the most in my partners...they both have it and express it in different ways...is that willingness to interact with me, dovetailing interests, choices made motivated by mutual pleasure or happiness.
i have noticed that the term Service Top tends to come as comments from folks who havent played in a while. A person can snuff and cling to definitions of who they should be and grumble about those damn Service Tops who just go around making subs happy....in the corner, to themselves.
i tend to take a lot more sadistic shit if i know in my heart that this pleases my partner, conversely, my partners know that if they can get in my head and give me what i love, that im way more willing to give them what they love.
How lucky is it that our interests very rarely go in different directions? But i can assert that if one came to me and mentioned that he would enjoy doing something that i had never considered, but didnt find very appealing for myself, that i would more than likely at least try it to please them. The bonus of that is that i may just find that i like it too.
Be in charge, take control and keep it...dont forget to give her what she loves at your discretion...and whatever the grumble gusses might mutter in the corner, you wont even hear as you and your girl are now officially out of earshot.


_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 8:10:06 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

This can be a bit of touchy subject for some people.  I realize that at times people get perhaps a little too wrapped up in their orientations (Dom/sub) for their own good.


Master Skip Casey does a wonderful presentation on the subject called 'The Servant Master'; using the example of Jesus Christ washing the feet of his disciples as an example to teach a valuable lesson. Actually there are many lessons you could take from the presentation, but the one on your point is that activities undertaken by either side of the M/s dynamic do not tell the whole story. The worst case assumption usually occurs when someone outside the relationship sees, or hears, one example and uses it to point to point a finger and and make the condemning accusation; "you are NOT a Master!!" If works the same when observation results in an accusation of "you are NOT a slave".

More than anything else the reaction to the accusation is telling. Confidence generates a smile or a smirk, and if you come from the Northeast US as I do, a sarcastic response. The point being, within your happy and fulfilling relationship; why should you care? For the accusing observer; remember when you go into a doctor's office and he observes one symptom - a rash; it could anything from a bug bite to cancer. Even the 'expert' doctor doesn't know until he has an opportunity to view and test your body a bit more intimately.

Using a personal experience example; anyone coming to beth's 'Twice as good as 21' birthday party may have thought I was the 'slave'. she wasn't involve in any of the planning, preparing, or serving; she wasn't allowed to do so. Even the next day's clean up saw me push around the vacuum cleaner, once I found it.

Whether organizing a birthday party or dungeon party actions are symptoms. Some of the most dominant people I've ever met 'submit' to having their ass bloodied; submissives routinely serve by following the intensity and 'limit' restrictions. Those involved in those relationships are no less 'real' and 'true' regardless of how their labeling standard doesn't match yours or mine.

Debating the semantics may be fun and a source of sadistic amusement but it shouldn't change you. If the challenge bugs you or your partner what you have to work on isn't convincing the other side of the debate. Clarify, question, play the "What if..." game; but use the challenge as an opportunity for confirmation. Regardless of the activity, or how you define 'Master', 'slave', Dom, sub, switch or any other buzzword; ideally you want to get to the point to respond with - "So what!" while you and your partner(s) go about enjoying yourselves.  

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 8:34:16 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Some people have this confusing notion that their dominance must rely on how often they castigate their s-type by not permitting them things or by not doing things which the s-type would enjoy...as if to say that only by superficial restriction can they exert their control.

So, the argument is that if there is something that I choose to do because I wish it for myself, and it happens to in any way to incorporate the pleasure of my sub/slave, I should refuse it of myself in order to uphold a phantom concept of Domliness?



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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 9:07:00 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah, im thinking those are the single ones....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 9:56:52 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		At OP

Are you saying you are just beeing yourself?

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 11/10/2008 9:57:23 AM >

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 9:56:55 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

If the activities between two is something two people both enjoy, or it's done for the enjoyment of the other, why not?

Some people I feel get a little too wrapped up in their orientations the very moment they hang a label around their neck, and read a lot of posturing bullshit from other people.



I agree, for the most part. My only qualm is inventive obfuscation of a word or idea and the assertions of a party who does so to declare a word or idea can mean anything and should for everyone, the most classic example of this being the argument around the word "slave" and what it means.

I would contend it's not about labels, but meaning behind a word or idea, and making it clear. People are of course free to invent and pretend all they want behind closed doors, but as soon as they declare that dynamic should apply to all, in a sense saying, "it's all labels and bullshit so join the circus and have fun," I feel compelled to say otherwise.

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 9:59:00 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Yeah, im thinking those are the single ones....


Exactly.  The ones who bounced from relationship to relationship, never quite understanding that two people are involved and need to be satisfied for it to be successful. 

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 10:35:17 AM   
simjo29


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/8/2008
Status: offline 		Stereotyping occurs everywhere. People will always form misguided opinions based on connotations about how people describe themselves. The truth is that you never begin to know anyone until you interact with them. That applies in every aspect of life. We are all unique and consequently the dynamics of every relationship are unique. If we can't be ourselves then who are we meant to be?

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 12:06:44 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		You know, it really is strange as to how many people think that dominant means you can never be on the receiving end of anything perceived as painful...how many people think that if what you do is something that is wholly fulfilling to the submissive on any other level other than sexual or sadomasochistic, you are not completely Master/Mistress/Owner. 

From the sensation side, I like being bitten...I like having my ass played with...I like having my ass fucked...I like being flogged with a certain kind of flogger...I like having my back raked with a girl's nails.  Does this make me less than dominant?  Does it make me a service bottom?  I don't think so...at least not in the circumstances I set up so that I enjoy it and the girl with me enjoys it.

From the relationship side, I enjoy having a partner whose mind can go where I want it to go...whether it is being played with by others or fucked by others without a deep heavy emotional attachment to others OR to being a service submissive to another dominant for a day or whether it is finding a partner for me...and at the end of the day, she still realizes that she can do all that stuff because WE set up the dynamic that way and because I still want her after all that because she has NOT got her heart tied up elsewhere nor her submission. 

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 1:08:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's a reaction junkie also. If something gets an incredible response from me, he'll get interested in doing it even if he wasn't interested before. Conversely if a previously favorite activity gets a yawn from me, he gets less interested in doing it.

He likes certain responses and finds enjoyment in most activities that get the desired response.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 1:22:01 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2

This can be a bit of touchy subject for some people.  I realize that at times people get perhaps a little too wrapped up in their orientations (Dom/sub) for their own good.

There are many Activities that I have done, or that I'm willing to do or try.  Some activities are a bit of a must have for me.  Not everything activity I'm into doing or trying is a must have for me.   I come with options.  Meaning these activities are optional for me to do or not to do.

I'm into doing things I enjoy doing, and I'm into doing things my partner in crime is into doing.   Dare I express this, because some people toss around phrases like "service top" to denounce such behaviors from Dominants.  Turn something around and make it sound like it demeaning or a negative.



When I met BSB there were things that were hard limits for her that I have slowly twisted that are now turn ons for her.  She is willing to do things for me she claims she will never do for someone else if we were to part company.  Take all that with a grain of salt as I don't say it to claim uberness.

One of the turning points in our relationship was when "my partner in crime" (I love that, never thought of using it this way though but it is SO apt!) is a dominant woman.  She was relaying how hot this story of a particular act made her.  This act wasn't your average turn on it, it was using someone first thing in the morning so you don't have to get out of a warm bed, having them drink your morning urine.  Seeing how hot it made her, I told her that I would do that for her if she felt she could do it without it affecting our dynamic.  Now thinking it won't affect it and the reality are two very different things, but I "risked" that out of love and affection for her. 

My being willing, my trusting her, at that deep and core of a level was a HUGE turning point in our relationship.  It showed her how important she was to me, how far I would go to take care of her.  Her submission deepened considerably after that because she knew how important she was to me.  Rather ironic when you think about it but for her and I it worked.  I didn't do it knowing that would be the outcome but I am glad I did.

Its funny how making your partner's needs important to you on a rather visceral level can result in them doing the same for yours.  Who would of thought that?

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 2:15:37 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I was saying something along these lines on the "Are you equal" thread.  I think some of that applies here, too.

Some folks may not consider this a very 'Dommely' opinion, but I happen to think that two people considering entering a D/s or M/s dynamic have to have a certain level of compatibility.  In My view, a part of compatibility is a matching up of needs and wants.  If both involved are getting their needs met, and some of their wants, at least to the point where each person is content, it's a way to have a potential success.  At bare minimum, needs must be met. 

Where contentment crosses into happiness, fulfillment, and pleasure in life is having those wants filled at least once in a while.  That statement has absolutely nothing to do with which side of the kneel a person is on.  I find it rare for the individual who can be completely satisfied with only their bare minimum needs to be met.  There is a part of everyone that desires at least some of the wants to be met.  By definition, that's why we call them wants in the first place.

What I am seeing in the OP has a great deal to do with this.  I actually enjoy giving My sub some of the things that he wants.  Keep in mind that when we started out, we knew we had a lot of similar wants in common.  We knew that there were activities that we both enjoyed.  That means that we have a doorway for exploring them together.  Even the simple concept of My enjoying to inflict pain and him liking to receive it fall into this area.  If either of us didn't match the other in this area, it wouldn't work for us on the level it does today.

I want to say something very important here.  My statements in the above have absolutely nothing to do with participating in activities that hold no interest or are seen in  a negative light.    If clip decided tomorrow that he had a cross dressing fetish or an AB yearn, I'm not going to cater to that.  Those things that turn a person off have no place in this.  I can't give a person a want that I am completely uninterested in.  If he yearns for something that disgusts Me, it goes right back to the compatibility factor.  We wouldn't be well matched.  If he has wants that don't suit Me, it is time for him to find another Domme.  There are certain boarders that I don't want to cross.

In areas where we both have our triggers tripped, I'm all for it.  I love seeing what certain things do to him, even if it wasn't My first thought.  If that makes Me a service top, oh well.  As long as I'm happy, who cares?


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Activities, the meeting of the minds. - 11/10/2008 6:57:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		AKA "It's not about the act, it's about the motivation and the intent."

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