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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 5:53:16 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Steel raises a good point that many people have mirrored.  A somewhat gentler approach, though, maybe: I think speaking the truth while not being too harsh or too wishy washy is important.   
  Davan

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 6:03:53 PM   
MasterVirago


Posts: 103
Joined: 10/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I guess sending him a Happy Bunny sticker saying, 'Your ugly and that's sad' is out of the question?



That's hilarious. Where do I get one of those?

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 6:04:58 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterVirago

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I guess sending him a Happy Bunny sticker saying, 'Your ugly and that's sad' is out of the question?



That's hilarious. Where do I get one of those?


http://www.stickergiant.com/happy-bunny_happybunny_pg1


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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 6:33:26 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Tell him in a nice way, that is all you can do. Unless you want to lie to him which I think would be even worse.

Good luck,
~Lashra


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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 6:42:39 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I would go with the others who said to tell him you didn't feel chemistry....afterall, that IS the bottom line and it's honest.  Whether it's about his looks, his smell, his mannerisms, you aren't feeling it for him....any of the above definitely qualifies as "lack of chemistry".   There is no reason under the sun to tell this man that you think he is physically unattractive to you.

And not being attracted to someone's appearance does not make you a shallow person. 

< Message edited by marie2 -- 11/10/2008 6:43:17 PM >

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 6:54:36 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subiet

I have been messaging with someone and recently met them in person. I know I should have asked to see a pic before meeting but I didn't. He is a wonderful man in many ways but the bottom line is that I am not physically attracted to him. I have to tell him and would like some advice on how to go about it. Please don't just write "just tell him" I know that but I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Thank you in advance.


There is a vast difference between telling someone you are not interested and doing your best to hurt someone.  I am assuming that you professed feelings that are now comprimised by the reality that you are not attracted to him.  Telling him that the chemistry wasn't there for you.  If he insists on digging deeper, then you can tell him more details but only because he asked.

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 7:32:36 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		~ What She Said!!! ~ 
Oh lord yes, what she said!  Please dont sell yourself on all the good things this Man has to offer.  In the end it's a slow SLOW mutually painful death! 


quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

Been there.  Married that.  My not wanting to hurt his feelings turned into a 13 year marriage fraught with ALOT of passive aggressiveness (mine). 
If you were really honest with yourself, you might realize that your reluctance to tell him the truth is because it is much harder for you to say than it is for him to hear.  RIP THE BAND AIDE OFF!  It may sting for a minute, but not as much as the torture of doing it painstakingly slow.
"I am just not that into you."


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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 9:53:37 PM   
Bobbob


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		so... guys are all shallow? thanks for the clarification. i didin't know that about myself.

geez

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 10:21:31 PM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		I would agree with all of the responses thusfar.  There is nothing wrong with some honesty, and saying "you aren't the one for me" "we don't click" however you want to phrase it.  Some guys may appreciate the more blunt approach, I for one while not a guy, I would prefer short, sweet and to the point.  Don't waste my time and string me along.  I wouldn't want to waste a guy's time and string them along either.  That's just silly.  Life's too short. 

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 10:38:33 PM   
ulti


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/10/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with what Steel has already put forth, which has been echoed a number of times.  As much as it may hurt you to be completely honest with him, and as upset/hurt as he may feel - outright honesty is far better than dressing it up.  If you want to say that you don't feel chemistry, I imagine that would work, however - make sure that he understands that your lack of an interest in serving him is a permanent state.  If you say something along of the lines of "I want to take it slow/I'm not ready" he's liable to wait for you on one level or another.  That's not fair to him.

The best thing to do is to tell him that you admire him and want to be friends, but that you don't want to serve him.  Give him time, hope that it goes well, and if it doesn't - move on.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/10/2008 10:40:21 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~

I'd much rather hear an ugly truth than a pretty lie.


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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 7:33:00 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Either way you're probably likely to hurt his feelings, or at least annoy him a little bit.

i agree.

there's no beating around the bush with this - i simply tell them  i'm not attracted to you however we can still be friends



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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 10:12:29 AM   
theobserver


Posts: 456
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		I think everyone has given some good advice. Honesty is the best policy. It's not what you say, but how you say it. Tell him that there's no physical chemistry (a polite way of saying, I'm not attracted to you).

However its also a learning experience, a photo up front would help alleviate awkward moments later on; and well, people should tell the truth about their looks. If you are bald, say so, if you missing teeth, be honest. Also, just because someone has looks that are deemed universally beautiful, does not mean everyone will be attracted to that person.

We all have certain characteristics that appeal to us as individuals. It doesn't necessarily mean you are being shallow.

If I may also make another point ... I've been guilty, in the past, of the whole "love at first sight" idea. However, I've come to realize that, slowing down, putting on the breaks and getting to know people as friends first, can open up new doors of possibilities.

Remember in the film "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Ben Chaplin's character talked about the 'no sparks' person? He said something like ... there are some people you pass on the street that you wouldn't give more than a second glance to, but if you got to know one of these people, you may find them to be the most beautiful person you ever met.

I know that chemistry and attraction is a big given in how we sometimes choose our mates, but it's not always meant to be instantaneous.

< Message edited by theobserver -- 11/11/2008 10:14:35 AM >

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 11:18:24 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer
The "chemistry" line is good, but we all know that's gal code for "you're bald", "you're too short", "you don't have washboard abs" or "by SUV I thought you meant $80,000 Hummer, not 82 Ford Bronco".



Geez, SP, in my book it's gal code for "my nipples didn't get hard when we met." 

Cali



Zactly....

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 11:21:46 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

I guess sending him a Happy Bunny sticker saying, 'Your ugly and that's sad' is out of the question?


And, SP: Bald is hot.

*snort* to the bunny...i have a poster with all the bunny sayings on it...anything comes off softer coming from the bunny.
and
hell to the yes as to the bald comment.
perse lubs tsatske.

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 12:34:25 PM   
composer83


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline 		chemistry is a good way to put it. don't prance around it, just be blunt & honest. thanks, but no thanks.
& next time, get a pic. get several.

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 2:52:05 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't want to hurt his feelings


Whether his feelings will be hurt or not is dependent on him, his level of maturity, and his ability to deal with rejections. It matters little how you're going to package it, it is a rejection. I would suggest to you that it is disrespect on your part to assume another adult can't handle his emotions - do you have any reason to think that he is unable to handle a simple rejection?

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 2:58:08 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		The most respectful thing you can do is tell him the simple unvarnished truth and expect that he'll be able to handle it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subiet

Please don't just write "just tell him" I know that but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 4:21:01 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		specifically, here:
You're Ugly and that's sad

True Happy Bunny story.

I have a habit of picking up hitchhikers. I know it's a bad habit, but what can I do? It's the least bad bad habit I have, and if Master decides to snuff me, it gives him a built in out. He can just dump me in a deep river somewhere, and my family will think I disappeared after picking up the wrong hitchhiker once.

Which is what I thought happened this time. I picked up this hitchhiker, and as soon as I pulled back into traffic, He said, 'It scares me how stupid you are.'

My heart stoped. Tell me that is not what a psychopath would say right before he offs you? I'm thinking to myself, 'okay, I'm going to turn my head slowly now, that this guy is going to have either a gun or a knife pulled on me.' And, as I slowly turned my head, He said, 'You're ugly, and that's just sad.' And I pissed on myself in relief, as I went, 'Oh, You're reading my Happy Bunny sticker collection! Yea, Isn't Happy Bunny the Greatest!'

BTW, I don't know who writes happy bunny, but I know he has met me, cause he wrote one that is just about ME:
Tsatske's Personal Happy Bunny

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RE: Need advice about telling a D that I am not attract... - 11/11/2008 5:12:45 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Besides what everyone else said. If a guy you had been talking to and were attracted to met you for the first time but was not attracted to you in return after face to face meeting how would you want him to tell you? I think the old classic "do onto others..." is good advice to follow. How would you want someone who found you unattractive to let you down?

Would you want to hear "Thanks, but no thanks" or "I'm just not that into you?" I assume you also wouldn't want the guy to dance around the issue either but not be blunt and rude. I know people don't want to think about "oh, how would Hot Guy A reject me" but it can help in dealing with this guy if you put yourself in his shoes.

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 40
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