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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Wanting vs. needing in relationships (11/12/2008 2:32:02 PM)
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RS,
I think that I concur with your "He". I think that there is a measure of choice involved in -wanting- something that disappears when one is in -need- of that thing... options become less available, and without options, it seems to me that there really isn't a concerted sense of being in a place (or with a person) because of having made, and continuing to make, a conscious decision to be there and stay there.
The rest of this is not really a response to anyone in particular... more of a stream-of-consciousness on what I've thought while I've read through the remainder of the thread.
With all this being said, I know that there are a lot of people who are involved in WIITWD to -lose- that right to make those kinds of choices. I also understand that the people who want to not have to make those choices are going to be compelled to defend that perception that they're not in a position to choose, but to me, it seems like a way of abrogating responsibility for the good -and- the not-so-good things that happen in our lives through the choices we make. I feel that, with non-consensual slavery being illegal, and with this way of life being a chosen one for the people participating in a venue such as this, even though there is the -illusion- of absence-of-choice, it is imperative that we recognize that there is -always- a choice... and that we are perpetuating the illusion in staying (notwithstanding legal "enslavement" through channels that may be legal and legitimate, but which could be perceived as a thin veneer over non-consensual enslavement).
Aside from this, at least to me, there is something, as the D-type in such a relationship, that is profoundly satisfying about knowing that one's servant is there because xhe made a conscious choice to be in service, and to be in service to this household, and these people, in this place, and in this time. Many of our former servants have come to us in that place where they were so starved to have the chance to express themselves in this life that they would kneel to anyone, anywhere, and as I've said before, I -like- that in a prospective servant. It has been inevitable, though, that these same servants, after a time, have come to be with us or to choose to move on to a different situation, -not- because they had no choice, but because they finally realized their own capacity to be -able- to choose, and also to know in a more concrete way what they wanted or didn't want in terms of fulfillment.
I suppose that we could work to keep a servant needy, and keep hir bound to us. We could, for some, strip not only their opportunity to choose, but also their capacity to exist as individual entities. That is a part of the power of a dominant-type, when someone yields and really opens up... xhe can be taken to that place where xhe no longer has a will except what is controlled by hir keeper... but perhaps I am of a different breed, because to me, the idea that this person, who once had no capacity to choose, has become able to decide to be with us, and to be in service to us, when, for a time before, xhe didn't have that capacity is really profound, and really hot.
I remember my own time in service. I remember it being a real struggle for me, because it was, in many ways, against my nature to let someone else direct my life. I remember why I chose to do it, and why I chose to tough it out when it became profoundly unsatisfying (which it did fairly often over the 6 years I spent there). At the same time, I always knew that I -had- a choice... and I think that's my point... when we no longer have a choice about whether to be in a certain relationship. I really think that, for me, it boils down to that point where, when the 'want' becomes a 'need', and we perceive that we will cease to exist in some measure if we lose this person, that reduces our capacity to make choices, and if you look at it from psychological or homeopathic definitions of health, that indicates a state of 'unwellness', and yet, I hear so many people saying that they 'need' certain people, or even certain specific types of relationships, to be whole, and it just seemed... limiting... and not in the positive ways that some of us seek out to manage and structure our lives, but in ways that really leave us less whole, and less capable of expressing ourselves fully.
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