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Vanilla & Femdom - 12/20/2005 6:03:25 AM

luss

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/27/2005
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We can use some advise. My Mistress asked me to post this. When we strated out in this Femdom Lifestyle, My Deity was extremely dominant, sadistic, and self centered toward me. She had other slaves and had me fullfill all her fetshes sexually as well as severe humilliation. Prior to the Femdom life with her we were friends. She was always attracted to me and I to her. Now since she collared me, we spend so much time together, she stated she is now in love with me. She wants to be exclusive with me. She dismissed her other slaves and our relationship is turning vanilla. As my Deity she has control over us. I just believe that vanilla love will cloud her Female Supremacy lifestyle and judjement that she so much embraced prior to her love for me. I am asking for advice from a Mistress' point of view. Thank you in advance for your time.

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 12/20/2005 7:01:26 AM

MHOO314

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What do you mean "your relationship is turning vanilla"?--do you mean because She has fallen in love with you (not uncommon in R/relationships)? Or has she begun to lose the dominant persona she had? A tad more info might help here---

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 12/20/2005 7:02:03 AM >

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 12/20/2005 8:01:07 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
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You should discuss this with her. A dominant being in love with a submissive does not mean the relationship will turn vanilla; however, it may change in some ways.

Something I have noticed over the years especially among people that do not have a great deal of real life one on one experience with this lifestyle (this is not an insult...... we all started somewhere) is an expectation of severity or extremes at all times. I can be extremely sadistic, enjoy high protocol, and be very strict; however, I'm not always. There are times when I am more sensual, cuddly, like to joke around, concerned about something else, or just want some brain dead time. These are not times when I want to spend hours inflicting pain on a sub or being exceptionally cruel and cold.

Personally, I prefer all encompassing relationships. I seek submissives that I enjoy both in and out of the bdsm realm and work on starting a full relationship with them. For me, this allows for much more intense and fullfilling play times. It doesn't have to be all S&M all the time to be a D/s relationship. Honestly, I find that I can pull more from a submissive that way. Having time when we are just hanging out or goofing off together, then in more intimate moments when they are bound and helpless reminding them of a breach of protocol can be a great catalyst for an extremely intense play time.

I understand that there are a lot of submissives that are true sensation junkies and believe they would want play all the time. I have a boy I played one night at a club for 3 hours straight. We had a lot of fun, but he complained when the scene ended cause he wanted more. HELLO.... I'd just spent 3 FULL HOURS working him over. I was EXHAUSTED!!!! He pouted a bit that evening saying he expected things to be more intense. Reminder to subs, it is always best to be careful what you wish for. The next day, I bound him securely to my cross at home and began a methodical extremely intense electrical torture that lasted 45 minutes focusing on all his MOST sensative areas (armpits, triceps, inner thigh, front of elbow, behind his knee, balls, cock, groin, soles of feet, right nipple [going over the heart with electic play is a big no no], ribs, etc.). He actually yanked free of his bonds it was so intense (and pissed him off). I asked him if he would ever complain of my not being intense enough again. This boy is someone that falls into my all encompassing relationship status that blends D/s, love, friendship, and real life. While the actual intensity of the play was high enough to piss him off at the time, he would tell you now it was one of his favorite memories of the weekend together. (Boy, if you read this....... I smile everytime I think of this. Your reactions were priceless, and you KNOW how much I LOVE reactions!!!!)

A dominate loving a submissive does not equate to vanilla. It means he/she is opening more of their self and life to the submissive. Personally, I find these relationships much much more rewarding than indifferent relationships that only evolve around cruelty and protocol.

MzKim

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 12/20/2005 3:50:19 PM

AAkasha

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LadyKim makes some excellent points about the fantasy vs. the reality of what a "femdom relationship" is. Most femdoms are not "on" 24/7 -- that requires a great deal of energy, creativity and time. I think the way femdoms 'express' their dominant sides will vary. I personally go in cycles -- I may be almost vanilla by most standards for a few days, then insatiably sadistic for an entire evening. I may want an entire weekend of getting things my way -- complete with lots of bondage and nasty games. But during the in between time, we must function like any other relationship -- with affection, communication, playfulness, and sometimes in conflict.

Being a femdom in a full time relationship doesn't mean my man is constantly under my thumb. It doesn't mean he is not allowed to initiate sex. It means he is not allowed to tell me NO when it comes to sex, and he's the one often getting shoved up against the wall and violated. We still cuddle and watch "Entourage" together and walk the dog holding hands.

The only steady undercurrent that never quite goes away is that I express lust and desire in a femdom way, that's the only way I know how to do it. Playful kisses will always accompany hair pulling, I'll randomly clamp my hand over his nose and mouth just to see him squirm, I'll bite down on tender flesh just to hear him gasp in pain. These things happen all the time -- whether or not it leads into 2 or 3 hours of intense bondage and S&M is more a factor of real life -- do we have the time, privacy and energy.

Akasha

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 12/20/2005 6:59:46 PM

thetammyjo

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You should definitely talk about this with her and not with her as your deity but as your partner.

If the relationship is changing into a vanilla one and that is not what you are looking or hoping for, you have every right and responsibility to both of you to say that and to either try and change things back or to leave.

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 1/1/2006 6:58:59 PM

gaslight

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/30/2005
From: Montreal
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Hi:

I'm really new, well, completely new to the scene and so I find the discussion very interesting.

I can say that I'm sexually submissive, but that doesn't mean it can spill over to all aspects of a relationship. For example, I can well imagine the most intensly focused Domme suddenly "the icky dance" and screaming "Kill it!" when a spider is discovered in the bathtub.

Senses of humour and perspective are needed. All the dom/sub stuff can be important part of our lives but, in my newbie's opinion, are part of our lives.

Thanks for your interesting posts.

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 1/2/2006 1:28:27 PM

YveGee

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/5/2004
From: Dallas - Fort Worth Metroplex
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"The Icky Dance"?

Luv it!

There are certain incidents in my relationships where I can definitely felt a shift in how I perceived my partner(s).

Case in point: My husband was working late and I needed to go outside for some reason or the other at about 1:30AM. On the way back in the house, a snake crossed my path and hissed at me. I'm phobic about snakes. I made it back into the house via another route and immediately called the sub. (Hey! He'd said call anytime!)

He stayed on the phone for over 2 hours with me talking me down from hysteria. I was quite nervous about meeting him the next time; I worried about asserting my Dominance knowing he'd heard the sheer fear in my voice.

When he acted normally (well, as normal as any male sub does), I knew that I was a woman first and a Dominant second. He was more concerned about me than about his fantasies of what a FemDomme is. And I also knew that I wanted to collar him.

Back to the topic and the original poster,
Are you more concerned about your fantasy FemDomme than the woman she is? Is the reality of her caring about you interfering with your perception of who and what she is?

I don't think it's her problem at all. I think you need to evaluate whether or not you can handle the fact that she's a woman and human. Do you want to marry and start a family and all of those other vanilla dreams? Or do you prefer the way things were? Would you prefer her as she is or would you prefer to search for a new Dominant?

Those are some of the questions I think you need to ask yourself.
Yve

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 1/2/2006 3:13:20 PM

iamdownonmyknees

Posts: 93
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Durham NC USA
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My own relationship is includes tender “vanilla” romance and D/s. Of the couples in long lasting F/m relationships that I know this has surprisingly seemed the norm.

That we spend many evenings curled up watching old movies hasn’t meant that there haven’t been other nights when her sadism and feelings of ownership haven’t come fully to the front.

Every masochistic cliché is fully alive within me. Some fantasies I’ve willingly suspended.

I’m glad to have a relationship that encompasses a broad range and I think it means we’ll be together for a very long time.

Best of luck to both of you,
Richard

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RE: Vanilla & Femdom - 1/2/2006 3:21:34 PM

nephandi

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You should discuss this whit her for it may not be her intention to go vanilla, perhaps she wants you to be more happy and that by goin more easy on you you will be in her belifhs, if this is not so, or you fear to go to vanilla talk whit her, comunication is always exstremly inportant.

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