RE: confronting a liar - yes or no?

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Treasure3 -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:17:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: housemouse61 Treasure; Let me first offer my condolences. What a stressful and heartbreaking situation you find yourself in at this point. Sounds as though whether you decide to confront or not; the relationship is doomed. As to your question about whether or not you should confront him with his dishonesty...well, that's a hard one to call for someone who is outside of the relationship and has no personal experience with you or with him. It's my feeling that someone who can look you square in the eye and lie, repeatedly, lacks a working conscience and, therefore, can be risky to deal with in a combative scenario. Who know what else he might not feel bad about doing if he feels he's being pushed into a corner to fess up, as it were. Only you know what his temperament is can judge whether this is something safe or wise for you to do. If you're not sure, probably best to just walk away. Otherwise, if you feel that confronting him with your evidence and getting a full confession from his lips will give you closure; and you feel safe in doing so... i say, "go for it". Even if you don't get the full confession you may be hoping for...at least you can get some of the burden off of your own chest and give it back to him. Best of luck to you. i hope that no matter what you decide to do; you are able to pick yourself up and carry on and find a better happiness down the road. Peace favor and blessed be, nikki Property of Cruel Desires nikki, Thank you for your kind thoughts. I guess in a way I just want him to know why I'm leaving. "You're lying to me" sounds too vague, if that makes any sense. I want him to know I know and am not going to be a fool any longer.

LadyConstanze -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:20:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 What a great picture that is to think about!! Revenge is a dish best served cold. Still, do I really want to lower myself to that level? I've already lowered myself by snooping, even though I feel it was justified as we were in the process of planning my move to him and I had to settle my doubts before uprooting the offspring. I was hoping with all my heart I was just being insecure and would find nothing. Strange, but I haven't cried once. I'm angry, livid, and I want to confront him for the satisfaction of it, but I can't feel any pain right now. You can BET on the fact that he will pounce on the snooping and will act all injured innocence, hey you possibly DROVE him to do that because he could fell you didn't trust him, yada yada.... I'm against snooping but in your situation (especially moving with children and red flags) it is not only perfectly understandable but also absolutely justified. My concern now is for your security, especially since you got offspring. A guy who will do that to you, especially given the situation (you relocating, children involved etc.) has ZERO sense of responsibility and he is a liar, which is in fact a character flaw that indicates he might have more "issues", you want to get out of the situation without having a stalker on your hands or somebody who might actually not have scruples to out you just to get back to you. Find a way to get out of it ASAP.

Treasure3 -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:20:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly i would confront him eventually....but first i would torture him by dropping subtle statements hinting that you are aware of his lies, but not coming right out and saying so. I've kind of already done that. We talked and I asked him very pointed, detailed questions about these things. I've even looked at him and told him I thought he wasn't telling me the truth. He kept up the charade like a pro... not a flinch. I believe he truly thinks I am too sweet and stupid to have snooped and found out for myself.

natasha66 -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:23:46 AM)
If it were me, i sure as hell wouldn't want to waste any more time and energy (emotional or otherwise) on this guy. Cut your losses and move on. Yes the thought of maybe getting some sort of revenge might be there, but what's the bloody point?

Treasure3 -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:24:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 What a great picture that is to think about!! Revenge is a dish best served cold. Still, do I really want to lower myself to that level? I've already lowered myself by snooping, even though I feel it was justified as we were in the process of planning my move to him and I had to settle my doubts before uprooting the offspring. I was hoping with all my heart I was just being insecure and would find nothing. Strange, but I haven't cried once. I'm angry, livid, and I want to confront him for the satisfaction of it, but I can't feel any pain right now. You can BET on the fact that he will pounce on the snooping and will act all injured innocence, hey you possibly DROVE him to do that because he could fell you didn't trust him, yada yada.... I'm against snooping but in your situation (especially moving with children and red flags) it is not only perfectly understandable but also absolutely justified. My concern now is for your security, especially since you got offspring. A guy who will do that to you, especially given the situation (you relocating, children involved etc.) has ZERO sense of responsibility and he is a liar, which is in fact a character flaw that indicates he might have more "issues", you want to get out of the situation without having a stalker on your hands or somebody who might actually not have scruples to out you just to get back to you. Find a way to get out of it ASAP. You are VERY right. I know this. It just feels so good to talk about this here and to fantasize about revenge and all right now. I had already made a promise to myself not to act in any way until I was thinking with a clear head. I'm just trying to hasten getting back to that place. Thanks for all your input in this thread. It feels good to know there are others who understand and will share their thoughts.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:25:55 AM)
What I would do, would be to collect up a list of all the subs he has seen, and find all the paperwork for all the trips he has been on. Chances are if he has be telling you you are his own and only, he has probably been telling them the same thing. Find all the good bits in the emails, the ones where he promises them he will be theirs and theirs alone, or that they are the only ones he needs, and make a long letter of quotes, with who they are to and dates. Then, send it to THEM, not him. Keep copies of all the emails for yourself, and include that you can provide the rest of the text for every one of them if anyone would like to see it. And then walk away. He will not have his chance to defend his lies to you, and he sure as hell wont have much of a chance with a gang of potentially irate other subs after him. You will be rid of him, and he wont be able to pull the same shit on some other girl. I did this to an ex of mine, however I met the other women he was "loyal" to by accident and we decided to have lunch together and ask him to meet us. He didnt realize he was meeting ALL of us and for beng a macho guy he nearly cried upon walking into th erestaurant and seeing the 4 "one and only" women in his life sitting together and launghing over coffee. DV

jezzabelle -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:32:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire I did this to an ex of mine, however I met the other women he was "loyal" to by accident and we decided to have lunch together and ask him to meet us. He didnt realize he was meeting ALL of us and for beng a macho guy he nearly cried upon walking into th erestaurant and seeing the 4 "one and only" women in his life sitting together and launghing over coffee. DV That is just absolutely brilliant! The look on his face must have been priceless!!

windchymes -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:35:02 AM)
Oh, and don't fall for the "I was testing you and now I know what kind of a sub YOU are...." line.

LadyConstanze -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:36:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire What I would do, would be to collect up a list of all the subs he has seen, and find all the paperwork for all the trips he has been on. Chances are if he has be telling you you are his own and only, he has probably been telling them the same thing. Find all the good bits in the emails, the ones where he promises them he will be theirs and theirs alone, or that they are the only ones he needs, and make a long letter of quotes, with who they are to and dates. Then, send it to THEM, not him. Keep copies of all the emails for yourself, and include that you can provide the rest of the text for every one of them if anyone would like to see it. And then walk away. He will not have his chance to defend his lies to you, and he sure as hell wont have much of a chance with a gang of potentially irate other subs after him. You will be rid of him, and he wont be able to pull the same shit on some other girl. I did this to an ex of mine, however I met the other women he was "loyal" to by accident and we decided to have lunch together and ask him to meet us. He didnt realize he was meeting ALL of us and for beng a macho guy he nearly cried upon walking into th erestaurant and seeing the 4 "one and only" women in his life sitting together and launghing over coffee. DV The same happened to a friend of mine, only it was a vanilla situation, the guy always had 2 girlfriends at the same time, they each had a "shelf-life" of roughly 9 months then they got exchanged, he found his "victims" online. Long long story, her marriage was not going well but this was the coffin nail, the guy had promised marriage, then all of a sudden brushed her off (before he relentlessly chased her, charmed her, told her that she is unhappy in her marriage, he would be so much better for her, blah blah and waited until she actually decided to break off with her hubby), we researched, found 4 of them, first they refused to believe it (they talked to him and he had "explanations") all of a sudden one of them decided to snoop through his mailbox and letters and the shit hit the proverbial van (turned out he even had a wife back in the US with 5 kids). A national magazine turned it into a story, 5 girls gave candid interviews, he refused to comment and wasn't mentioned by name, but the way they described him was fairly obvious. Suffice to say, his superior (he was in the army) got a copy of the article and was contacted by a few journalists for comments "Is this the way you expect members of the US army to conduct themselves in foreign countries?" - I don't know what happened, but I doubt it was beneficial for his career!

jezzabelle -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:36:41 AM)
I think I agree with what most everyone else has said, just tell him it's over, you're sick of his lies, and then cut off all contact with him. I think if you did confront him with proof that he probably would try and turn it around on you and make you out to be the bad guy and you don't need that. I would, however, let the others know about all the lies. It's doubtful that he's been honest with any of the others and while it will hurt them at first, they'll more than likely be thankful in the end. Who knows, perhaps some of them have already had their doubts too but haven't been able to get the proof they need. However it all works out, I wish you the best.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 5:53:41 AM)
It's not worth it to get caught into playing games with him. I would say make whatever preparations you need to do to end the relationship. Such as if you are living in his house (to pick a good time when he's not around to move out), perhaps leaving a "Dear John, I have left you because you are lair...and hurt me bad" letter. The reason I suggest for anybody to get whatever physical things they own in a safe and secure manner. Ending things, leaving the house and then coming back, you are only placing yourself in a situation where drama could unfold. Once it's over, don't give him nor yourself any reason for seeing each other again. Having stuff around his place that you have to come back for and collect later is not always the best idea. I think some people drag their heels at getting their personal effects out from each other houses or when they move out, just so they can come back and stir up drama/fights in the process. It's best to end things, and do everything you can to minimize the drama and game playing. You see on Judge Judy cases where somebody tosses personal effects out to the curb side, property gets distroyed intentionally or simply vanishes for no good reason. Don't allow yourself to be turned into another small claims court case trying to settle up on personal effects. I'm with everybody who has posted advice about not getting caught up in Drama and game playing. End the relationship then explain it to him. If you don't explain why you ended it, you are only giving him a valid excuse to use in contacting you. He will be wanting to know the reason why. Again withholding the reason why will only give him a valid excuse to bother you afterwards. Don't do this, is my advice. Sure, he might have been dishonest with you during your relationship. That's no excuse for you to not be honest with him in ending it. Be the better person and stick to honesty. Being honest works better compared to game playing. Withholding the truth from him after you end things is manipulative, it's encouraging him to constantly bother you for the truth. You'll only be turning yourself into an attention target. Good luck...

scottjk -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:14:03 AM)
Confrontation of a liar is simple people. Ask yourself this question: How would I benefit from a confrontation? If you won't benefit, just walk away. If you would benefit, make sure you have all the evidence laid out (printouts, pics, recordings, DNA samples, etc.) so there can be no denial. My opinion? Pack your things and walk out with a warning that any further contact will result in legal action.

IrishMist -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:20:25 AM)
~General reply to the op ~ Since all I know is what you have put here in this thread; and since the one you are condemming is not here to defend himself; I actually have no advice on how you should conduct your own relationship. Obviously though, from the tone of your posts here, your need for validation and drama has definitly been met.

RCdc -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:30:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist ~General reply to the op ~ Since all I know is what you have put here in this thread; and since the one you are condemming is not here to defend himself; I actually have no advice on how you should conduct your own relationship. Obviously though, from the tone of your posts here, your need for validation and drama has definitly been met. QFT And honestly, if this is the way people treat other people, I find it cool that all the profiles lead to posts. At least it shows just how vindictive some people are - and how much drama they love. the.dark.

OttersSwim -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:32:32 AM)
I offer the following youTube in condolences for what has happened - awesome song even for country! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs

LadyConstanze -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:41:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist ~General reply to the op ~ Since all I know is what you have put here in this thread; and since the one you are condemming is not here to defend himself; I actually have no advice on how you should conduct your own relationship. Obviously though, from the tone of your posts here, your need for validation and drama has definitly been met. So you do suggest that she invites the person who has hurt her so you can satisfy your curiosity.... It's funny that even though you can't offer any advice you feel the need to attack somebody who obviously has been hurt and possibly has nobody to talk to, I can perfectly understand that if somebody is hurt they might want to get it off their chest and vent a bit. From the tone of your reply, that is quite a big horse you are riding.

JustDarkness -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:41:40 AM)
@ OP If you have proof ..always confront some one with it. But one year acepting something (true or not true) that makes you unhappy....is not a good thing. Distrust is a relation killer also.

IrishMist -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:45:35 AM)
quote: So you do suggest that she invites the person who has hurt her so you can satisfy your curiosity.... It's funny that even though you can't offer any advice you feel the need to attack somebody who obviously has been hurt and possibly has nobody to talk to, I can perfectly understand that if somebody is hurt they might want to get it off their chest and vent a bit. From the tone of your reply, that is quite a big horse you are riding. I am quite sure that treasure is more than capable of standing up for herself in regards to me; she has done so before, and I am quite sure she will continue to do so in the future. Your words here do nothing but attempt to paint her as helpless, something that she is definitly not.

GoddessTeaze -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:47:49 AM)
I'm sorry you had to go through this. you already told Uus how he lies directly to your face. I assume it doesn't do anything when you tell him how you feel, if he really cared, he wouldn't have treated you as badly as he did in the first place! he will get what he deserve hon, count on that. Now put your energy on yourself, and all the dear friends around you, Who treat you decent. I wish you enough B safe GoddezzT`

RCdc -> RE: confronting a liar - yes or no? (11/14/2008 6:49:48 AM)
Not that IM needs any defending. But are you serious? She never attacked the OP. She told her the truth, that no one can nor should make that decision for her. Sure - it's fine for you to go into infantile details of how to get back at the guy, how what you would commit revenge. But the only person who can decide what is right for her, IS her. You telling her and giving her ideas how to get back at him, when she clearly stated she didn;t want to sink to his level. You are the one attack someone you have no idea about but some second hand information from someone who is hurting. Your advice is not only childish but you have no idea what this man is capable of and you could be potentially advising her to do something he might respond to in a negative way. You have no idea how she might feel guilt if she did something mean to him. You are so focused on making the man pay, you aren't looking at the bigger picture and that is both naive and irresponsible. You aren't concerned about the op, but struting how malicious you could be. the.dark.

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