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From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 5:39:50 AM   
FloridaMistresse


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline 		Question to all the Mistress's out there:
How do you re direct a slave to continue the Ds focus after beingn together in a long term live in relationship, were vanilla creeps in.  Or more bluntly stated, when vanilla has taken over too much of your life space, how do you revive the Ds space?


< Message edited by FloridaMistresse -- 11/14/2008 5:53:11 AM >
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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 6:09:50 AM   
JoyfulMistress


Posts: 628
Joined: 10/31/2007
Status: offline 		You have asked how One helps refocus their slave/sub after some time has gone and the nilla ways of life have taken root ..... As each relationship is different ... you will need to take sometime to see what parts of D/s you are missing and much like breaking a bad habit ... do what you must daily to bring in those ellements you miss .... but again like breaking  a bad habit you are also trying to instill a NEW habit in your dear one as well as yourself so this change in your daily life will need to be a commitment .They say that to form a habit you need to do whatever for no less than thirty days ... so I believe it is safe to assume One will need to commit to breaking the nilla habit in thirty days ...doing something everyday to instill the D/s once again ....to help remind them who is their Godess and revive all that statement entails...
Please note you may have some resistance...as the nilla slipped into your as well as the ones that are yours lives and they may not see any trouble with it ... remind them what parts of the relationship are important to you ... heavens if you need to share with them how the nilla has left you feeling...
or not and just kick in your demanding mode and demand ~Winks~ all kidding aside...Nilla happens... ~Laughs~ and it all depends on your relationship with your parter on how you can react... would they get more out of you stepping in as mega Domme and demanding they do X Y Z ... or do they respond better to you sitting down and talking to them about how the lack of D/s is leaving you feeling less than the Mistress you wish to be to them ...
We can tell you how we wash that nilla right out of our hair however that is what works in our relationship and not yours... in short what I do with my pet may not work with your slave/sub...I know what I do with my pet does not work with my knight ...So adding if you are a Poly Mistress/Domme... you will have to take each relationship into concideration and what works best for that relationship do that
 
Heavens it may not be to the extreem that I am thinking .. and perhaps all you need is a good scene to snap you both back into the mindset you wish ....
best of luck

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 6:17:25 AM   
FloridaMistresse


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline 		a very well thought out and thourough answer, thank you for taking the time to send it.

Ps how did you get the "vanilla icecream cone status to change" I hate it and can not figure out how to change it! LOL

< Message edited by FloridaMistresse -- 11/14/2008 6:18:18 AM >

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 7:28:03 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello,

This is an age old question.  The first thing I would recommend is that you do a self examination first.  By doing so you will be able to see where you may have laxed your expectations, desires, protocols, or other rituals you may have had in place.

Being a Mistress can, in a way be compared to any situation in which certain rules or behavioral expectations are in place.  They need to be monitored, consistent, and you as the person in control must first look to yourself to see if your actions haved allowed things to go astray. 

Once you honeslty look within, determine what are the things you want to put back into place and what are you willing to do to get the results you want?  Once this is done, it's time for the two of you to talk.  Let him know how you're feeling and ask him how he feels about things the way they are now.  Let him know that you want to go back to how things were before and if there a lot of time has passed, you may need to negotiate or at least come to an agreement.

The D/s dynamic of the relationship should be present 24/7.  I don't mean he has to be at your feet, or caged somewhere, but the dynamic that you are the lead in the relationship needs to be clear and understood.  What that looks like to you will have to be for you to determine.

For me, my guys do things daily whether it's something as simple as bringing me a drink or an assigned task.  I expect to be spoken to with respect at all times. There are times when simply calling me Mistress or Padrona when speaking to me is the way that dynamic is kept. 

Talking to me about their daily lives and wanting my input keeps the D/s intact.  Yes, it is true that most well grounded relationships have this in place anyway but even in vanilla relationships if simple communication stops the relationship begins to change. 

Our submissives/slaves tend to follow our lead and when the dynamic changes and appears to be more vanilla it's up to us to change and lead them back to what we want.

Most submissives need to feel they are doing something of service which is another good reason to talk things out.  he/she could be missing the same things you are and if that be the case, your job will be much easier.

You can't change the ice cream...  it changes after you've made a certain number of posts.  The ice cream just means you haven't made many posts.  If you look at the number of other posts other symbols have you'll see what I mean. 

I sent you a message also.

Ms. Faye




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Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 8:46:52 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I think the answer is similar to how one might keep romance alive in a relationship; it's through regular acts (rituals), even little ones, that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 9:21:27 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I think the answer is similar to how one might keep romance alive in a relationship; it's through regular acts (rituals), even little ones, that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role.

Cheers,

Sea



Wouldn't it make more sense to keep the element of surprise in the relationship? You know unexpected gifts or romantic gestures? Rituals can become habits and that is possibly the opposite of what somebody is trying to achieve?



_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:08:39 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Wouldn't it make more sense to keep the element of surprise in the relationship? You know unexpected gifts or romantic gestures? Rituals can become habits and that is possibly the opposite of what somebody is trying to achieve?


I share your appreciation for that that is unexpected and spontaneous.

By ritual I do not necessarily mean an act that is regularly done. Instead, I mean any activity, whether it is regularly done or spontaneously done, which conveys the roles. The point I wish to convey is that two people might say they are a dominant and submissive pair. If they do not do anything beyond saying it, neither will really feel their respective role. Whatever they do that actually helps each feel their role is what I am describing as a ritual of D/s.  With respect to the OP, I think a mix of acts that are repeated and those that are spontaneous will help.

My use of the word ritual in this manner is a Seaism of sorts ;-) Perhaps I need to find a better term for the concept. I like the sound of it and it carries literary/poetic appeal for me (ritual of D/s like ritual of love) but I recognize that the colloquial use of the word suggests an activity that is repeated. Perhaps expression is a term that better conveys the concept.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/14/2008 10:10:03 AM >

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:08:41 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze


quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I think the answer is similar to how one might keep romance alive in a relationship; it's through regular acts (rituals), even little ones, that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role.

Cheers,

Sea



Wouldn't it make more sense to keep the element of surprise in the relationship? You know unexpected gifts or romantic gestures? Rituals can become habits and that is possibly the opposite of what somebody is trying to achieve?




I agree.  Rituals breed monotony and a sense of obligation.   Stale!

My advice to the OP is to become unpredictable.  Become seductive again.  Plan and plot and give yourself the freedom to think outside the box, be mischievous and playful.  If you can, take some time away with your partner - go somewhere new, even if it's not a long distance - but is a change of scenery, and devote that time to exploration and re-establishing roles.

Also, engage in some erotic emails or letter writing to each other where you explore fantasies.  Maybe agree to try to some roleplay at a certain time to give you a chance to get your "femdom groove" on.

As the dominant and the perceived "driving force" behind the dynamic, don't forget the power of the small, subtle surprises.  Leave him a dirty voice mail in a commanding tone and give him a task to complete.  Surprise him with a nasty package in his briefcase with some test he has to complete before a certain time.  Next time you have to ask for a mundane favor ("can you pick up some milk on the way home?") turn it into a sexy, commanding demand. 

When making love and seeing that it's turned vanilla, become suddenly vicious and relentless - pull hair, bite, gag him with your panties.  Do the physical things that tend to flip your switch.

Also, are you feeding your fantasy life?  Are you enjoying self pleasure, orgasms? Is your entire sex life kind of stalled or just your dynamic with him?  Make sure your sexually alive and hungry.

Most of all: Have fun and communicate!

Akasha


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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:14:51 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		@undergroundsea

I think it is possibly semantics and we might mean the same thing, but somehow Aakasha has put it quite perfectly, it's pretty much the same in any relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, it's all about keeping the spark that initially attracted you alive... For some it might be rituals, for others it might be "keeping the other one on the toes" or seducing them again and again and again
...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:22:07 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

@undergroundsea

I think it is possibly semantics and we might mean the same thing, but somehow Aakasha has put it quite perfectly, it's pretty much the same in any relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, it's all about keeping the spark that initially attracted you alive... For some it might be rituals, for others it might be "keeping the other one on the toes" or seducing them again and again and again
...


I think this is why the thread is called "From a Mistress to a Mistress" - she's looking for help from women.  Too often, the submissive POV asks for rituals, reinforcement, structure, "reminders" that are all fine and good - but that's obligation, maintenance, and if anything makes a relationship stifling for the woman. For many submissive men, when they think of a relationship that is going too vanilla, they think immediately about what they aren't getting, what attention they need, what "rules" are not being enforced, how there are not enough reminders.  It can essentially snuff out any remaining femdom flame because it's a subtle and insidious cloud of "obligation" hanging over things.   What femdoms need are ways to keep it fun, exciting, alluring and free - it's freedom FROM rituals, if anything.  The more obligation to rules and regulations, the more maintenance it is for the lady.  I'd run for the hills.

Instead of thinking what the submissive needs to feel 'controlled,' women can give their POV regarding what makes things fun and exciting again.

Akasha


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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:28:03 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I agree.  Rituals breed monotony and a sense of obligation.   Stale!


I disagree. Rituals (even if using the word in its literal sense rather than the figurative sense I used) take an important place in many D/s relationships and use of rituals is a recommendation I have heard many times in response to the question of the type above.

Note that the OP does not say that their D/s life has become uninteresting but that vanilla life has overwhelmed it. One effective way to return to D/s space is through setting practices that are repeated (protocols or rituals) which symbolize the roles and help bring back the D/s mindset.

A ritual that is repeated and is meaningful will not carry a sense of obligation. And there might be room in that one repeated ritual itself, as well as in times or practices outside this ritual to prevent monotony. In other words, there is not a dichotomy between repeated rituals and spontaneity and the two can coexist.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:34:09 AM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Mmm yes, precisely.

;)

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:41:05 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I think the answer is similar to how one might keep romance alive in a relationship; it's through regular acts (rituals), even little ones, that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role.

Cheers,

Sea


A quotable quote, etched on brain.  Thanks, Mr Sea.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:46:04 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

@undergroundsea

I think it is possibly semantics and we might mean the same thing, but somehow Aakasha has put it quite perfectly, it's pretty much the same in any relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, it's all about keeping the spark that initially attracted you alive


I sense you might be on fetlife ;-)

It is indeed semantics. To me ritual of D/s has a nicer sound than expression of D/s and I often use the word ritual figuratively.

I completely appreciate the value of the unexpected and my style of romance uses it frequently. I see that my use of the word ritual figuratively and the choice of words (use of the word regular) in my first post in this thread tend to suggest I was speaking only of an activity or set of activities that are repeated. My use of the word rituals means expressions of D/s. My sentiment would have been better conveyed as follows:

quote:

it's through regular acts (rituals expressions of D/s) [as in regularly doing a variety of acts that are expressions of D/s], even little ones, that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role


I agree about keeping the spark alive by continuing to pump oxygen into it. I think that is done through both spontaneous acts and acts that have been done before that carry special meaning. For instance, in vanilla relationships, a kiss can be considered an expression of the relationship. Because it has been done once does not mean it does not carry value again or that its prior instance will now create monotony. The change and renewal is brought through things that are new in addition to this activity, and by introducing a new element into this activity from time to time.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/14/2008 11:24:57 AM >

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 10:52:11 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think this is why the thread is called "From a Mistress to a Mistress" - she's looking for help from women.


To the extent you suggest that male subs should not participate in this discussion, I disagree.

quote:

Too often, the submissive POV asks for rituals, reinforcement, structure, "reminders" that are all fine and good - but that's obligation, maintenance, and if anything makes a relationship stifling for the woman.


I have seen repeated rituals carry appeal across people of each sex and each role preference. I sense this appeal is greater for those who identify with M/s, leather, and D/s.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 11/14/2008 11:06:49 AM >

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 11:23:02 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Off Topic

I am actually not on fetlife but a few people have recommended it

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There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 12:12:26 PM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		I don't mind rituals..but i'd take the element of surprise anyday of the week and twice on Sundays.There is something inherently beautiful knowing that your mate is so incredibly turned on by surprise and mystery.

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 12:21:28 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I must admit, this is a crucial subject for me.  I couldn't have D/s without vanilla nor vice versa - yet, I've got a lot more experience - therefore routines - of the vanilla kind behind me than of the D/s kind.  It does always seem to be sparks from spontaneous actions that break routines best . . .

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 12:29:02 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not a great fan of rituals unless they are beauty rituals, but maybe I do have a short attention span ;)

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

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RE: From A Mistress to A Mistress - 11/14/2008 12:33:32 PM   
FloridaMistresse


Posts: 58
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline 		well it never ceases to amaze Me how males enter into female domains. This categorty is ask a Mistress. My specific post was from a "Mistress" to a "Mistress" NOT  to a male.

So, I would ask the males to respect I am only seeking the responses from a female Mistress!
ALso to clarify. I am gay and the slave is a female slave.
W/we have romance, affection, an d a 24/7 Ds lifestyle. I just sense there has been a change in her focus. I can tell you when it occured. I took on a very demanding job and had to work 60 to 80 hours a week. I used to work 24 hours a week.  So, yes play did drop off. However, call me looney, but I do not want a slave that has to be maintained. I expect support and that she keeps her focus without having to be "fed" so to speak.  Is a slave only a slave if the Mistress maintains that? I have never changed My focus or desires, I have, however not had time to play or the like.  Now I am recentful that she has not continued to have her head where she needs it. Now, to be fair, she is more of a slave than most I have ever seen. Most couples I see are kinky partners. I am not that. she does everything and I support her. I could not even tell you what is in the freezer or where the cleaning products are.  she works and is going for her Masters degree. So, there is much to be thankful for.  I just miss that certain look in her eyes. 
Someone wisely said I should look within. I agree with that to a point. I have certainly looked at Myself, and come up with this.  Sometimes a Mistess can not be "on" all the time, and in those times it is even more important for the slave to retain their focus. I have had many conversations with her over this, and she really does not give any feedback.  I would say she is emotionally repressed and
hasnever really shared her feelings.
I have been a Domiant for a very  long time and owned quite a few slaves in My day.  However, it was comforting to have a place to reach out to other Mistresses for their thoughts and ideas. I apperciate them all and will continue to enjoy and contemplate any additions posts that answer this quest.
<smiles>





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