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RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 7:59:59 AM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

since this is an opened ended question...I'm sure you're looking to gather as much information as possible through all the opinions given...from this little perch I sit on...sorry but my view is somewhat different...consider you are wanting to purchase a new car...but you've never driven before...what's the first thing you do?...show of hands now...learning how to drive should come to mind...now move forward a little...do you really want a stick or an automatic...again a show of hands...wouldn't you think something comfortable for YOU to drive is the key...now jump way ahead to the actual purchase...you want the right make..model..color..and all the options to fit YOU.....now replace the car with a submissive...you want one but don't know what to do so you practice the things you feel will teach you that...(learning how)...a couch..a chair..a bed..yourself...there are many things to use to gain the knowledge of your own strength and power before actually touching another...now that you've at least learned a basic aspect of your nature...what kind of submissive will fill that for you...are you all about the pain you can inflect or are you more subtle...mind more than body...skipping a lot of the boring stuff you must learn inbetween all this...when you finally settle on that one...is it what you wanted...right everything to fit and suit your needs...the flip side being..that you know how to control the one you now possess...just a little food for thought for a beginner just starting out...begin at the beginning...starting in the middle will lead you into nothing but confusion...also...as you've done here (it's never a risk to do)...ask questions all the time...you'll never have answers to everything...never feel youself to high or to proud to seek out what you don't know...

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 21

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 10:46:25 AM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

Erotic talk during a scene can be exciting, and there is no reason not to ask your submissive stuff like "does my whip make your bottom sting?". It gives the submissive a chance to respond without there being a sense of "I'll stop if it hurts too much".

Also, body language is very important. The submissive needs to learn to be very responsive and give clues to what he or she is experiencing and desires. A raised botton is a great indication to proceed.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 22

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 12:42:06 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirtopumhat

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

My owner doesn't ask me questions, but we've been together for a while so I can't really see why he would need to (though to be honest I can't remember him asking me questions even in the begining). For me, questions would just be distracting and annoying, and for both of us in a scene we feel very connected to each other (subspace to me feels like burrowing deeper into him), so through non verbal communication we are pretty good with communicating with each other (and I'm pretty responsive).

I do think ultimately you have to do what will make you feel comfortable. You're the dom afterall.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 23

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 1:53:58 PM

Rassitter

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline

What I like to do is ask tons of questions in advance of the scene. (Sometimes can probably be equally annoying, but I am sure there is a cliche that covers the value of doing this

) I think it is better for the overall scene, safewords are always good to pause the situation but if you don't have to use them, you are better off. I really like the advice from John Warren about the numbers, I usually ask on a scale of 1 - 10 before a scene, but I agree it is a good check during the scened to make sure your idea of 5 is the same as hers. Then when the scene is over, start with the next round of questions, what worked, what did not?

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 24

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 9:35:27 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirtopumhat

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Not only the proper question but proper tone and wording of the question are key to gleaning the information you require while keeping all aspects of the scene under your unquestionable control.

For example if she's smiling, but smiling a little too vacantly for your comfort and you can't reliably determine whether that is spittle or foam on her lips, maintain a low, even and resonant tone while inquiring:

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen sparrow?"

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 25

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/26/2005 9:46:43 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen sparrow?"

would that be an African or European swallow?

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 26

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 6:12:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
would that be an African or European swallow?

*groan*

Surely we can be more originally geeky. I got tired of MP references when I was 17.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 27

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 6:49:58 AM

Demon60

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

This all makes for interesting reading and highlights how different W/we are, given the vague generic categories of sub and Dom. For some who enter sub space words are an unnecessary distraction, whilst for others they are a means of reassurance. Perhaps "communication" is a better term - via a look, a squeeze, a movement, or indeed words. It takes time to build up to a full understanding, but there is still a need for some form of communication - prior, during and after - especially if Y/you are venturing into the unknown.

Demon

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 28

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 7:20:43 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Surely we can be more originally geeky. I got tired of MP references when I was 17.

sorry to disappoint you, LA, but this slave can only strive to be as originally geeky as you.....maybe someday, with enough practice........

And this Master is still working on his "silly walk" for the Ministry; awaits for broadcast of the "Twit of the Year" more than the Super-bowl, has exchanged a dead parrot for a slug (that doesn't talk), has a neighbor who's a lumberjack and he's "okay", as is VERY happy that his slave likes photography and is a "goer - Know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink know what I mean?"

"A nod's as good as a wink to a blind man."

Now pass the spam - "Bloody Vikings!"

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 12/27/2005 8:08:20 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 29

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 8:10:23 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Surely we can be more originally geeky. I got tired of MP references when I was 17.

sorry to disappoint you, LA, but this slave can only strive to be as originally geeky as you.....maybe someday, with enough practice........

And anyway, havent you read it in Vogue: Unoriginal geekiness is the new original geekiness. Kind of like brown is the new black. Gotta keep up with the trends.... All the hipster kids are wearing the same stuff I wore in eighth grade... A trip or two down memory lane is certainly worth losing a few points on the coolness meter. Of course, I think I read that relatively uncool is the new cool...

(But, I don't like SPAM...)

< Message edited by justheather -- 12/27/2005 8:11:50 AM >

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 30

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 8:16:36 AM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

*groan*

Surely we can be more originally geeky. I got tired of MP references when I was 17.

Oh I know. I'm the very same way with Coleridge.

Laziness on my part really. It would be more difficult but as you suggest more rewarding to make reference to, say, the timeless comedic brilliance of the Three Stooges.

Let me share with you though that in reading your critique I'm reminded of a friend who decided to pack up her things and move home to Memphis when she got board with LA.

Nyuck nyuck.

But never mind her. Please, give us some links to more original geekiness.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 31

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 9:04:39 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
would that be an African or European swallow?

*groan*

Surely we can be more originally geeky. I got tired of MP references when I was 17.

Sorry, I thought you were 17? Have I missed something here?

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 32

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/27/2005 11:47:52 AM

VaWolf

Posts: 30
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline

I think that conversation during the scene tends to ruin the mood, but you MUST get feedback from your subbie especially if you are new. I recommend first off that you have safewords, second pay attention to your subbies reactions, body language speaks volumes and then talk after the scene.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 33

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/29/2005 3:03:33 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

I always ask questions, but if it seems to ruin the mood, then instruct or order her to give you answers. That should provide what you both want.

Ages ago I had a girlfriend who didn't like to talk but was quite oral. Instead of safe words during intense times, she drew two of my fingers into her mouth. If she was enjoying and wanted more, she sucked harder. If she was coming down, she had hardly any suction at all. And if she needed to get my attention, she could gently use her teeth.

< Message edited by Petruchio -- 12/29/2005 3:27:03 AM >

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 34

The Importance of Asking for Feedback - 12/29/2005 3:31:26 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

I had known my sub for over 8 years and we'd experimented with a number of fantasies including implements, full bondage, and suspension. We always kept safe words in mind and discussed our fantasies. Then one afternoon I borrowed handcuffs and snapped her wrists together.

She was on all fours and, as I was spanking away, she was climaxing so intensely the spanks were splattering. As she was coming down from her peak, she suddenly rolled over, curled into a fetal position and began to sob.

Shocked, I cradled her and asked repeatedly what was wrong. It took her some time to reply, but whilst her hindquarters were in heavy orgasm, I hadn't been paying attention to the other end.

Intellectually, I knew that scenes can have a deep and sometimes scary impact upon subs. This topic had even come up at the University of Washington and we had recently read about it in a book we'd been reading together.

What had happened, she had entered a dark, dark place in her psyche, independent of what the rest of her body was doing. Twenty years of experience and more than 8 with her had let me lower my guard and I had done her a disservice. It was my duty to protect her and I had let her down.

Being a dominant carries the responsibility of dealing with your own mistakes. Fortunately all returned to normal (or what passes for normal in the BDSM world), but I was much more attune after that.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 35

RE: The Importance of Asking for Feedback - 12/29/2005 8:49:26 AM

Nendarye

Posts: 147
Joined: 12/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Master does not actually come right out and ask me questions during a scene, but we do have a little system that is set up. Sometimes nothing more than a head shake yes or no, or fingers and toes wiggling is all he needs to know whether or not to proceed. And we always talk before and after. If it is something new that he is trying he always asks me beforehand what I am expecting, and then after, we discuss how I REALLY felt.

_____________________________

" You may be suffering, but you will always suffer with love"

@~~Proud property of Master Michael~~@

(in reply to Petruchio)

Post #: 36

RE: The Importance of Asking for Feedback - 12/30/2005 12:05:22 PM

Oberonrex

Posts: 164
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline

Lots of excellent responses here, so allow me to echo the communications is the key theme. That means verbal and non-verbal. As has been noted, how you ask a question not only can get you an answer, it can clearly maintain control even as you check. Watch them, study them, and you will get lots of good answers that way too.

(in reply to Nendarye)

Post #: 37

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/30/2005 4:57:50 PM

SirDarkside357

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

When involved in a potintially dangerouse act, you had better know how the other person is doing.....if you haven't been with your partner long enough to know then you had better communicate in some way...even when you do know your partner well, there is always need to be able to communicate....even in the best thing, sometimes wrong happens.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 38

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/30/2005 7:12:26 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirtopumhat

Do you ask your sub questions during a scene such as "am I whipping you too hard" or "do you like that"? I'm new to this and don't know what I'm doing so I'm not really sure what hurts and what doesn't. I have been asking her while I'm doing it but I feel like it ruins the whole power exchange because she is given that degree of control.

Yup - I sure do ... I ask my girl questions in scenes as well as out of scenes....

favorite question out of scene:

"Do you understand?"

In the Scene:

"Do you understand, Now!?" *G*

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to sirtopumhat)

Post #: 39

RE: Do you ask your sub questions - 12/30/2005 7:14:43 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

favorite question out of scene:

"Do you understand?"

In the Scene:

"Do you understand, Now!?" *G*

LMFAO priceless

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 40

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