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MadRabbit -> RE: How to train a sub for 24/7 or is this just topping from the bottom (crossposted on ask a mistress) (11/15/2008 2:56:44 PM)
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Okay. The first mistake that you are making is that your whining. Stop whining! Women don't respect men who whine. In fact, men don't respect men that whine. I don't respect men who whine, but am giving you the benefit of the doubt. Nobody respects men who whine. It's one of those things thats come with our gender.
But rather than follow the posts that preceded mine and put you down, let me try something different.
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ORIGINAL: QuixoticOtaku
I'm just so frustrated.
Meditate. Go for a walk. A run. Say "Wooshah!" over and over again. Allowing frustration and resentment to build up won't help anything, because you will start reacting out of that negative emotion instead of a place of cool calculated logic and reason.
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I wonder if I'm meant to be alone and should forget being a dominant. My skills need to be improved in so many areas and I get disrespected and told I'm doing it wrong by a prior and my current partner.
This is the first big red flag. Problem Numero Uno. Your not working together as a team, but rather your fueding against each other and treating each other like enemies. No relationship is going to go right when the fabric is torn in half. Maybe it can be fixed. Maybe it can't. You both need to sit down and talk on a very calm and open level and address this problem.
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To back track, I am frustrated that my sub does not do the few chores I tell her to do every day. It's just washing dishes a couple times a day, taking care of the cats' litter box, checking the voicemail and returning my calls, simple shit like that. She does not do them consistently and sometimes I have to nag and nag before she does what are her responsibilities.
Then do them yourself. It's not a big deal. It's not important. You don't need her to do shit for you. Her service is something she provides for you because she wants to please you, not because you need it. Don't give her the time of day. Don't do anything special for her. Just calmly explain to her that she is either a part of the team and going to do her part as your submissive or she's not. If she's not, then you are going to do it yourself with no sweat.
Your insecurity with your dominance that was shown above is directly linked to this issue. Everytime she disobeys you, you take it as a failure on your part as the dominant and not a failure on her part as the submissive. So you overcompensate and attempt to force her to do it by nagging and persistance out of a place of pride.
Your going to have to deal with that and internalize the idea that everytime a submissive pulls a stunt like this, it does not mean you are not cut out to be a dominant. It means she is not being your submissive. And if she is not going to be your submissive, then you will carry on with your life without her help.
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I've told her from the beginning that I want 24/7, and to be in charge.
People in hell want ice water.
I want a million dollars.
Tall people want to be short. Fat people want to be skinny.
But unless we stop whining because we don't have those things and start finding constructive ways to deal with issues and problems and achieve what we want, we're not going to get them.
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She has said a few times that "everyone else says that partners are equal in D/s relationships". I say that if she wants to be equal, she won't get it with me. I'm a little more than ten years older, bring home most of the income, and pay all the bills so how is that equal? To me, it's a power-exchange... I am more responsible, more experienced, and I have earned the role of being in charge.
She's wounded your ego and made you feel insecure regarding your own dominance and position in the relationship and now you are attempting to compensate by making yourself superior to her and putting her down.
Get the fuck over yourself. It's not helping anything.
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Then she tells me that the reason she doesn't do the chores she is supposed to do, because I'm not training her. I asked her how I could train her to check the voicemail and give me a call in the morning if I leave her a message to call me? A lot of people manage to do that for their partner without "training" so wtf?
It's a bullshit excuse.
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Don't get me wrong, the D/s is not just about her doing chores for me with nothing else. But really, if a submissive doesn't do their more mundane tasks; I feel disrespected, unappreciated, and don't feel like sexing her up with whips and chains (so to speak).
That's the insecurity talking which is probably the main source of why you are unable to effectively deal with these situations.
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Is coming home after work to an apartment just as messy or even more so than when you left it after your partner has been home all day very motivating to tie her up and give her masochistic pleasure? I feel like screaming obscenities and getting out a can of whup-ass, but that might be rewarding poor behavior indirectly or just cross the line into abuse.
Wooshah, buddy. Wooshah!
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