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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 8:23:20 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
My adult children, now bring up things that I never really thought that important but they were terribly important to them. Even now, if they get a Xmas stocking without a book of Lifesavers in it, they feel cheated. Freakin Lifesavers!!! Who knew!



I can't help but smile with this part of your post.  With mine it's Pez.  If they don't get a Pez dispenser and extra candies they feel cheated.        We talk now about the traditions we kept that have been around for generations and then we talk of the ones that we've made that they will carry on with their families. 




with my family - its Christmas socks  -  and the oh-so-traditional Easter socks.   What a giggle!!!   and to think they were just bought as a stocking stuffer. Now i have to actually think about it.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 10:38:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		In this house, if my adult children do not get their annual supply of socks as a gift they will revolt........and it wouldn't be pretty.

Something that started as a gag gift many years ago is now a tradition.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 11:55:11 AM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

In this house, if my adult children do not get their annual supply of socks as a gift they will revolt........and it wouldn't be pretty.

Something that started as a gag gift many years ago is now a tradition.


In my house it's boxers and panties     

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 2:01:01 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I long for the day that I can love and be loved in a true and open relationship


I know what I am going to say is thoroughly unhelpful - but the above will get you lonely as can be. I have never been happier than when I decided to enjoy my life, sod the longing, and had my dick snipped. It is the missing things that make one lonely, or homesick, and if you simply concentrate on enjoying your life, and doing and being what you can, what is in reach, you won't have another lonely day in your life. While one can certainly do community stuff to crank up one's ego, since 9/11 I have made more of a point of taking care of my relatives and close friends, fly around dropping off presents, giving their kids stuff they need for school that I know the parents have a hard time finding the money for, finding that more fulfilling than the United Way, where I find delivering turkey dinners one day a year, and then forgotting about the poor blacks in Mount Vernon for the rest of the year, a bit shallow. I like to say that I've been a lot lonelier (I almost wrote "loonier", gotta watch that ) within a relationship, than without. I am leaving for Europe in a couple of weeks, actually, and just got off the phone with my niece, in whose house I'll do my pre-Christmas goodies giveaway, and then take the lot out to dinner. Not lonely at all, but you have to get out there and do stuff.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 2:34:05 PM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		I am in agreement with those that suggested volunteering to help the less fortunate.  Get the kids involved in this as well.  It's easy for the little ones (and bigger little ones) get all in a frenzy over the number of gifts under the tree.  But once they see and are able to help those that have so much less, it puts things in perspective.  It is a great way to cope. 

This year, I am fortunate that I am not alone this holiday season, the little ones will be here.  They can't wait for me to get a turkey, and make it dance across the counter.    And they are speculating about what sort of fruit and nuts they are getting in their stockings this year.  And we are still going to volunteer. 

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/16/2008 3:00:37 PM   
greeneyedreamer


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quote:

If you are able, volunteer to help in a food kitchen or in some way give back to your local community.
Especially this year the economic conditions are touching everyone and giving back is one way of dealing



WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA! Wished I would have though of it! grins

Dreamer

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/17/2008 11:14:14 AM   
Mikkilicious


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline 		My mom still gets me the box of chocolate covered cherries.  I do have both sides of my family to be with, but like others have said, it is the teeth gritting, grin and bear it situation.  But I go for my son.  Even though he is intuned to the stress.  he's a pretty sensitive person, like his mom.  We both hate to disappoint others.  And I am learning how to not disappoint me.  Since i will always disppoint my family, I may as well be happy in the process.

I am thankful for having my son on Christmas eve and morning.  Then in the afternoon we meet his dad and he stays until after New Year's.  In that I am blessed because yes, we can do the Christmas eve service and wake up to Santa, at least this one more year.  So many of his friends don't believe already and I am hanging on to that last one for him.  He may know already, but plays along for both of us.  There are so many things I see around me that I need to be grateful for and getting back to my journaling of my blessings will help reiterate this for me.  I guess I was having one of those down moments when I posted this because life is good, if I seek out the positive things.  It is a choice everyday.

And yes it is not in the commercialism of the holiday, but rather in the birth of my Saviour that I celebrate.  Maybe when finances improve here, I will take off for the holiday and do something just for me.  If in that time, someone comes along, great.  If not, I will celebrate every day for me. 

My son also had surgery about a month ago and it has given me a greater appreciation of the sacrifice given by family members to those who are unable to get out and go.  He was non weight bearing and so his everything was dependent on me.  I am sure that played into my mood as well.  Needing a break but not sure how to ask for it.  Especially since all I wanted at the time was a nap.  But it has got me thinking about volunteering in the new year to allow others to have the break they so richly deserve.  So I thank you all for your suggestions of that, it may be just what I needed to hear.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/17/2008 3:35:58 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
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Status: offline 		I sign on to Collar Me and make a fool out of myself.  It is a hobby that keeps me amused, from running out of kleenex from crying, and out of trouble  - except with Mod 11, who I humbly beg indulgence and mercy.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/17/2008 5:46:26 PM   
DesFIP


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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's funny the little things kids remember. Mine get small presents for the eight nights of Hanukkah and one big present. But God forbid that one of those nights doesn't include a chocolate orange. I think the world would collapse without that.

Beyond that, make plans with other single parents. When the kids were little I belonged to a cookie exchange. We each made 3 or 4 dozen of one kind of cookie and every body got a half dozen of each. Which meant we had a cookie platter but only had to bake one kind. We would invite other parents and ums over, drank hot spiced cider and ate cookies. Very low key and fun for all.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/17/2008 6:23:17 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious
My submission was revealed to me a couple years ago.  I knew I had the tendencies, but had no term for it and thought of myself as skewed in my thinking.  Or dirty because of the origins of my thoughts.  I was physically and sexually abused growing up.  A story like so many others.  But I have always chosen to not play the part of the victim, but rather a survivor.  This past abuse let to obvious self-esteem issues that I am still working through.  Some days I feel as though I can take on the world and others I just want to hide and never come up for air. 

I long for the day that I can love and be loved in a true and open relationship.  Being chrished for who I am and what I can bring to the relationship.  My submission is the greatest gift I have to offer someone, because quite honestly I feel more secure allowing someone to take the lead yet support my day to day decisions in what I feel passionate about.

Given these factors and that I live in a very rural area is making my search to find available, competent, intelligent men in whom I can trust.  I can have vanilla sex nearly whenever I want, but mostly with married men who are simply cheating on their wives.  This leaves me even emptier than no sex at all as I know I am just a convenience for them. 

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 


Hi, Mikkilicious----

Great post, lots of personalization and well thought out, my compliments. 

Few thoughts:  Love your acknowledgment of your past issues yet your determination to work through them and not be a victim.  Kudos! 

Regarding readily available yet unappealing sex:  I completely understand taking the perspective that, as pivotal as sex is (And, I think it is reeeeally pivotal), it's sometimes better to go without.  I haven't experienced the scenario you noted but I can say that having been faced with celibacy versus arbitrarily selected and changing limits that ultimately left promises unfulfilled, in the future, I'd take celibacy.  Celibacy has lots of negative ramifications for me but it's something that I can choose (And hate) versus having someone else's uncaring dictates negatively impacting me (Which I hate more) and my physical and psychological as well as spiritual/energetic needs not be met. 

You said: ...makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  ...and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone.

My thoughts on this part:  I have wonderful chosen family, a fabulous social network, and lots of support.  Is that the same as having a partner/spouse?  Nope.  Is there anything that takes the place of safe, loving arms wrapped around you and warm body parts pressed against you?  Not that I've found.  But, you know, like the sexual stuff you noted prior, one could choose 'any port in a storm' to allay short-term discomforts but I would rather be exfolded in a way that feels right rather than jump to something less than because of that ache of what's not there. 
And, I think that when we choose to look at things and to make choices with deliberacy, we can acknowledge that certain things (Like sleeping alone) still suck but they're better than settling. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan



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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 8:24:16 AM   
msgingerroot


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline 		I'm fortunate in that I moved to San Francisco 14 years ago, and what I saw here eventually made me realize that there's no such thing as normal and you should proudly embrace whatever you are. Been lonely too and it sucks, there's no easy answer but there is truth in the trite notion that it's better to be grateful for what you have, and to know there are worse things to miss than what you don't have. If that makes any sense.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 8:52:16 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious

I have been on this site about three times now and have struggled with my submission and the morals I was brought up with.  But this time I am confident in how it fits into the rest of my life.  I have seldom posted and so I ask you to bear in mind that I am a bit nervous in asking and even how to ask.  I wasn't really sure where this was going until I got through writing.

My submission was revealed to me a couple years ago.  I knew I had the tendencies, but had no term for it and thought of myself as skewed in my thinking.  Or dirty because of the origins of my thoughts.  I was physically and sexually abused growing up.  A story like so many others.  But I have always chosen to not play the part of the victim, but rather a survivor.  This past abuse let to obvious self-esteem issues that I am still working through.  Some days I feel as though I can take on the world and others I just want to hide and never come up for air. 

I long for the day that I can love and be loved in a true and open relationship.  Being chrished for who I am and what I can bring to the relationship.  My submission is the greatest gift I have to offer someone, because quite honestly I feel more secure allowing someone to take the lead yet support my day to day decisions in what I feel passionate about.

Given these factors and that I live in a very rural area is making my search to find available, competent, intelligent men in whom I can trust.  I can have vanilla sex nearly whenever I want, but mostly with married men who are simply cheating on their wives.  This leaves me even emptier than no sex at all as I know I am just a convenience for them. 

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 


Hello Mikkilicious
Oh how I can relate the holiday loneliness. The first Christmas that I spent widow, I also spent alone. My daughter and I could not get together then, and it just was freaking hard. Then the following year spending Thanksgiving alone was very hard as well. What I did was decorated, am crazy in love with lights and candles and decorations, and visted with my neighbors. Actually my one neighbor fixed prime rib and had me over. I kept busy, but then at night I just cried myself to sleep. It is okay to cry.
Things do change though, nothing remains the same. Today I am packing to go to Sir's house. Tues. I leave to go to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving. Things can change in a heartbeat for us. Make the day as special for your children, and for those who might not have any place to go. Create a new tradition for yourself.  Serving others and helping them brings joy to the heart.

blessings
oceanwynds

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 9:07:04 AM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Holidays can be hard...family can be hard...I look at them as just another day for the most part now...
 
That was not how I looked at them when I was younger thou..
 
I remember one very clearly...when all that I cared about was...gone...
 
And my crack dealer comming over and taking whatever she wanted so I could get high one more....day. The guilt from that Christmas stuck to me for many years...
 
Gratitude is not hard to find if you look....around.
 
HoPpY HoLiDaYs to eVeRyOnE!

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 9:30:22 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious
Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 


Sir and I are both loners and private.  He has kids, 2 great college kids.  They are at their mom's house for Christmas while he has a great Thanksgiving with them.   I hate holidays because getting together with family is such a problem, esp now that everyone is married, nieces and nephews are growing into almost college and they fact that old resentments and bitterness between family members is still present but hid behind the masks we make. If I had children, I know what I would do with my holidays...and their would NO loneliness.Holidays are for kids.  After being a terrific aunt and nanny, I have so many ideas up in my brain for grandkids (that is if our journey is this path) that I cannot wait ! But now.....  every year I deal with holiday's differently but every year I wish I had kids, at lease one...... so I find your situation Mikkilicious quite exciting !!

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 9:44:19 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		It feels like I just got blindsided by a huge wave of holiday loneliness this morning, I don't know what sparked it (okay maybe I do) and I definitely don't know what to do about it. There hasn't been a family holiday for me in over 20 years, most of that time I was married and got into his side of the family gatherings. Even after divorcing he and I would do the holidays at my house with some friends. I built my own traditions that way which was mostly okay because I had them around me. But I've always wondered just what my family does Christmas morning, when do they do presents? Do they serve the same food every year?

This year I'm over 1500 miles away from my ex and my friends, I don't know anyone here and its hitting me pretty hard.

I've moved to a place that is only 3 1/2 hours away from two sisters which means I am having Thanksgiving with family for the first time since 1987. I don't want to go but I also want to be a part of the family.. a lot. Its been so long they're essentially strangers to me and I don't feel at all comfortable with people I don't know. I was the bad seed as a teen and was cut off from family events then. I feel super out of place with this upcoming event and today I'm feeling out of place, very very homesick.

My depression feels like its creeping back into me. Bad mix of holiday timing, strange city and having a moderate to severe lupus flareup. I want to curl up in a ball with a strong shell around me, but I also want so much to be part of my family.

Holidays this year = ugh.


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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 10:27:59 AM   
angelspassion4u


Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
Status: offline 		My loneliness is due to being single more so then family and being with friends.  Holidays hit me hard when I see all the couples out there enjoying the holiday's.  I have a small family but we do spend the holidays together.  I have distracted myself by doing things over the years yes it makes the holidays go faster but it doesn't help when you come home and snuggle down after the ums are in bed and there is no one to talk to.  No one to touch or cuddle with.  The days I can distract myself, it's the nights that hurt. I have been single for over 9 years and it doesn't look like it is going to change anytime soon, sighs.  So I don't cope well with that kind of loneliness, especially during these holidays.


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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 10:46:41 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		You can be lonely all by yourself, and you can be lonely in a huge crowd of people.  (I had a huge thing typed out about being complete all by yourself, blah blah blah, but I decided to skip that and go for the practical)


The first year I moved to a big city and was going to be alone for Christmas, I checked the newspaper and found that a large number of churches in that city (Houston) pooled their resources and did a huge Christmas Eve dinner at the convention center.  I went and volunteered and cooked and chopped and cleaned and helped organize volunteers to serve 15,000 people who needed a hot meal and clothing.  I met many wonderful people and continued to help each Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving Day until I moved back to California several years later.

Also that first year, I found that a jewish organization was volunteering their members to work for people who normally worked on Christmas Day, so that those people could be home with their families.  I called them and said, "I'm not Jewish, but I'd like to help."  I worked a hospital gift shop that Christmas Day, and saw many people in emotional pain visiting their sick family members, and it made me thankful that I wasn't going thru what they were.


Cali


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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 11:47:04 AM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		This won't apply to your situation as you have ums (unless you have lots of $$$, then take them with you), but I'd probably go on a cruise.  Lots of people to talk to and it is cheaper than other forms of travel.

This probably isn't for everyone, as I don't really get lonely around the holidays, I've been alone for many years, and for years I have also spent every holiday working, which my company valued so much I am no longer there (not making that mistake again).

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 11:51:21 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelspassion4u

My loneliness is due to being single more so then family and being with friends.  Holidays hit me hard when I see all the couples out there enjoying the holiday's.  I have a small family but we do spend the holidays together.  I have distracted myself by doing things over the years yes it makes the holidays go faster but it doesn't help when you come home and snuggle down after the ums are in bed and there is no one to talk to.  No one to touch or cuddle with.  The days I can distract myself, it's the nights that hurt. I have been single for over 9 years and it doesn't look like it is going to change anytime soon, sighs.  So I don't cope well with that kind of loneliness, especially during these holidays.



Something I learned in life is that a partner is not the cure for loneliness. I had a bedmate for nearly 20 years and was the loneliest person on the planet. When you can feel complete with your own company, there is no loneliness. If a partner joins your life along the way, he/she would then be a compliment and an addition to your world, and not the basis of your happiness.

It was a difficult but most rewarding lesson for me.

I am using "you" generically, and not to this poster specifically, although my words do apply to the post I quoted, as well.

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RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? - 11/22/2008 3:24:43 PM   
angelspassion4u


Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida




Something I learned in life is that a partner is not the cure for loneliness. I had a bedmate for nearly 20 years and was the loneliest person on the planet. When you can feel complete with your own company, there is no loneliness. If a partner joins your life along the way, he/she would then be a compliment and an addition to your world, and not the basis of your happiness.

It was a difficult but most rewarding lesson for me.

I am using "you" generically, and not to this poster specifically, although my words do apply to the post I quoted, as well.


I do understand that.  I do know from a past marriage that you can be lonly even in a relationship.  I am basicly happy  but at times do miss the emotional and phsyical connection that one has with a partner. It just seems that the holiday's brings that more to light for some reason for me. At those times, is when I have trouble coping in my mind. But over all I am fine with being alone but would like it to be different.

< Message edited by angelspassion4u -- 11/22/2008 3:25:25 PM >

_____________________________

Recommends books by Victoria Morris through Pink Flamingo publishers.
"You can PLEASE some people some of the time, most people most of the time, but NEVER all the people all of the time."

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