RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (Full Version)

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oceanwynds -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/22/2008 5:31:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

It feels like I just got blindsided by a huge wave of holiday loneliness this morning, I don't know what sparked it (okay maybe I do) and I definitely don't know what to do about it. There hasn't been a family holiday for me in over 20 years, most of that time I was married and got into his side of the family gatherings. Even after divorcing he and I would do the holidays at my house with some friends. I built my own traditions that way which was mostly okay because I had them around me. But I've always wondered just what my family does Christmas morning, when do they do presents? Do they serve the same food every year?

This year I'm over 1500 miles away from my ex and my friends, I don't know anyone here and its hitting me pretty hard.

I've moved to a place that is only 3 1/2 hours away from two sisters which means I am having Thanksgiving with family for the first time since 1987. I don't want to go but I also want to be a part of the family.. a lot. Its been so long they're essentially strangers to me and I don't feel at all comfortable with people I don't know. I was the bad seed as a teen and was cut off from family events then. I feel super out of place with this upcoming event and today I'm feeling out of place, very very homesick.

My depression feels like its creeping back into me. Bad mix of holiday timing, strange city and having a moderate to severe lupus flareup. I want to curl up in a ball with a strong shell around me, but I also want so much to be part of my family.

Holidays this year = ugh.



Hi camille
I do hope you take a few minutes each day just to be kind to yourself.
This past year and half, I had been put in a position of taking care of my Mom and dealing with my sister. This was very hard, since I been basically an outsider to my family most of my life. The road was paved with a lot of twigs, branches and stones, and a lot of tripping happen this past year, but a healing in my family took place for us all. Never in my 57 years did I expect that to happen, so this year I am thankful for having that opportunity. Now I have a family again, something I haven't had since I been in my early teens. Sometimes miracles do seem to happen.
blessings
oceanwynd



painpup -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/22/2008 5:33:44 PM)

why sometimes i feel like i'm at the Overlook hotel wanting out then sometimes i feel like i'm at the Bates motel Mother what have You done and still wanting out



Maya2001 -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/22/2008 6:03:00 PM)

quote:

Given these factors and that I live in a very rural area is making my search to find available, competent, intelligent men in whom I can trust. I can have vanilla sex nearly whenever I want, but mostly with married men who are simply cheating on their wives. This leaves me even emptier than no sex at all as I know I am just a convenience for them.

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness. After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone.


Then start by making a decision not to settle or  get involved with married men..I too live in a rural area and find I get hit on by a lot of married or involved men  and that is one the first questions I ask them about so as not to be wasting emotional involvement....why get into relationships that will lower your self worth by feeling used.

Learn to appreciate what you do have a learn how to feel complete on your own.. a partner should not be someone to make you feel complete but one that enhances your life..as others have suggested find other outlets such as volunteering to give you that sense of self worth of being special and needed.

learn to count your blessings in life instead of wallowing in self pity at what you do not have.. I know that is something we tend to forget about too often  but that is what helps us get thru the tough times with grace .. but it helps us to be perceived as more attractive and admired  when we are able to do so and therefore will heighten your appeal to others . Those that whine and complain about their lots in life become turn offs to most people.


Right now I am facing big battles in my own life .. recently diagnosed with lung cancer, heart disease and rheumatoid arthritis all within  a few weeks apart and I am single and living alone .. so yes I could roll up in a ball and just feel sorry for myself but I intend to make the best of things... I have 2 grandchildren and a son, as well as my parents, nieces and nephews  and I intend  not to ruin their holidays by feeling sorry for myself instead I  am determined to make the best of the holidays with grace, my time might be cut short  and I am not going to waste it on feeling sorry for myself and burdening others in  negative energy.  



Mikkilicious -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/22/2008 6:23:14 PM)

Ok, so now I have gotten through my depressive state I was in and have moved on towards finding the things in this life that truly make me happy.  I have definitely chosen to not open the door to the married or otherwise involved persons.  Those that try are soon turned away.  I, too, was in my marriage and lonely for so many years.  But stayed and did everything I knew to try in order to salvage it.  I have no regrets now to how it ended.  My son and I were in the middle of a valley when I posted my loneliness post as he had surgery on his feet and we had been in the house for three weeks straight with little reprive. I am happy to say he is doing much much better and only has three more weeks of casts to go.  But he is up walking finally and not so dependent on me. 
I am thankful for all of your posts.  it has helped to see that I am not alone and that there are others out there who have been there and have found ways to cope.
Cali, my heart feels for you.  It is when we do get blindsided by our situations that makes it tougher.  Just as I prepared and even over prepared for my sons surgery, I am now making plans to not allow myself to be alone in a crowded room.  When I was married I was three and a half hours from my family and the stress of not being able to be with them took its toll.  But I truly had a great set of in-laws.  And maybe that is part of what I am missing is their family traditions. 
But this year I am finding ways to make myself a bit more available for others and will open my home to a small circle of friends that if they so choose may join me if not I will just sit back and enjoy some movies and popcorn.  Making a journal of my days helps me to see what are mmy happy triggers, my sad triggers, and the things that I do to complete myself.  For without this I am not any good to anyone.  I've known this for a long time, I just sometimes forget and need reminded.



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/26/2008 1:07:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikkilicious

Being the holiday season is upon us and I will be celebrating it alone makes me wonder how others cope with the loneliness.  After the kids are asleep and all you want is to be held and given the affirmation that you are special to someone. 


I don't know, for me, beig alone on the holidays doesn't really make me sadder or affect me differently than it does on other days or during other times. There's part of every season or time of the year in which I would want to be held and hold someone special for different reasons.

Luckily I have a wonderful and supportive family and group of friends. They don't know why I'm pretty much constantly single, but they understand that I'm looking for something special and trust that I know what I'm doing. I spend a lot of time alone, but always know I can call them or whatever.

When I'm alone at night, waiting to fall asleep, I just try to keep things in perspective and know that when I find what I'm looking for, it will be more than worth the night falling asleep alone or without someone to hold. I guess it just boils down to faith in myself and what I'm trying to do with my life.



E2Sweet -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/26/2008 2:42:03 PM)

This year I'll be descending from Mount Crumpit and sneaking into Whoville to gather up all the gifts, decorations and other holiday-related swag in an effort to prevent the holidays from even coming to be... I think its a great plan, what could go wrong? [;)]



cjan -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/26/2008 6:27:54 PM)

I go hunting. It alwas cheers me up to fill some critter with buckshot. The fresh air is nice too.



chiaThePet -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/26/2008 7:33:34 PM)

 
I usually drive around town until I see a house with a bunch of cars out front.
Then I slip in the back door and head for the chaotic kitchen where I start
chopping celery or doing dishes as I listen intently and learn the names of
those gathered for the great feast. Helps later for that mix and mingle.

I'm almost always to the pumpkin pie before I hear someone question if I
am cousin Penelope's latest husband. I start clearing dishes as an excuse
to get back to the kitchen and a quick escape. Who wants the wishbone?

If I carry this over to Christmas, I usually end up with at least a sweater or
an unclaimed pair of chinos and a Brut gift set mysteriously buried in the
bottom of the discarded gift wrap garbage bag. These of course I donate
to the local shelter with my apologies for what will become a lingering scent.
"Love those chinos Earl, but what's that smell? Showers broken again?"

I however selfishly keep the smuggled Pfeffernusse cookies as my own.
I use them as decorative landscaping stones in my garden come spring.

chia* (the pet)



MasterTslave -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 5:51:21 AM)

I can understand!  Last Thanksgiving, I was all alone.  Master T was with His family (they didn't know we were together, he had just gone thru a bad divorce and He didn't feel they were ready to have me there)...my kids were all with their father and were out WAY past their delivery time of 7pm (by 5 hours)...I spent Thanksgiving watching Pay-Per-View movies and eating a crapy ham that I had gotten at the store.  Master T suprised me later in the evening with a plate of food and told me that he had told his family about our relationship (he got in HUGE trouble for not taking me, his mom was pissed  at him when she found out that I was all alone that day).  I just coped during the day by watching movies and not thinking.



kallisto -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 6:16:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet


I usually drive around town until I see a house with a bunch of cars out front.
Then I slip in the back door and head for the chaotic kitchen where I start
chopping celery or doing dishes as I listen intently and learn the names of
those gathered for the great feast. Helps later for that mix and mingle.

I'm almost always to the pumpkin pie before I hear someone question if I
am cousin Penelope's latest husband. I start clearing dishes as an excuse
to get back to the kitchen and a quick escape. Who wants the wishbone?

If I carry this over to Christmas, I usually end up with at least a sweater or
an unclaimed pair of chinos and a Brut gift set mysteriously buried in the
bottom of the discarded gift wrap garbage bag. These of course I donate
to the local shelter with my apologies for what will become a lingering scent.
"Love those chinos Earl, but what's that smell? Showers broken again?"

I however selfishly keep the smuggled Pfeffernusse cookies as my own.
I use them as decorative landscaping stones in my garden come spring.

chia* (the pet)


This is the best!  [:)]   Brought a smile to my face this morning.   Happy Thanksgiving [:)]



MissIsis -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 6:26:07 AM)

People I have worked with, have always known if I was going to be alone.  When I am not able to be with my family, I always accept invitations to go to someone's home, even if for a few hours.  By the same token, if I know someone is going to be alone, I will usually invite them here.  



mummyman321 -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 6:27:19 AM)

I go kayaking! Rain or shine, cold or hot, a peacful trip down the river is always refreshing and puts a smile on my face



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 6:47:01 AM)

Being jewish I have already had big family gatherings for the jewish New Year. I strive for a quiet Thanksgiving. Last year it was spent alone with my Dominant eating meatloaf. This year will be with my parents and not in a big crowd with my sisters.

I appreciate the quieter kind of holidays from the outsiders standpoint. Hannukah does not have the hooplah of Xmas. We just buy gifts for the kids and celebrate 1 night with family. Light candles with the um the rest of the nights. Xmas we enjoy chinese food and a movie and are glad we can have a quiet fun day without pressure.



shatteredplaster -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/27/2008 7:40:57 AM)

I think that there are many of us who have been where you are in some way, shape, or form.

Go find something you really enjoy doing, like skiing, shopping, or even volunteering.  As an EMT, I can honestly say that if I'm feeling really badly...knowing that I helped others always makes me feel better.  Whatever you do, there are two things you shouldn't do and I know them from experience:

1.) Don't do nothing, because you'll spend time being depressed and it will just get worse.
2.) Don't work 60 - 80 hours during the holidays just to push everything away, it will make you miserable and that feeling will last you for weeks afterwards.

My birthday is on Christmas, December 25.  A few years ago, I moved out of my parents house and into my own place a few towns over.  I was unable to go with my family to California to get together for the family Christmas that they have every year, and my parents told me it was my fault.  Somehow, they didn't understand the concept of rent, utilities, and food.  So to bide my time, I asked for more hours at work where I was a manager.  Christmas comes around, and the only 3 people to call me were an Aunt that I never talk to, my boss, and one friend.  My parents didn't even remember to call me.  I was so miserable, that I called my boss and asked her if I could work at her store on top of mine.  So from December 25th to about January 10, I was working about 70-80 hours.  You don't want to spend your holidays that way.



CatNmouse2002 -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (11/29/2008 2:02:03 AM)

I  was just browsing quickly through tonight , forgive Me if this has been mentioned already .

Make sure you are active during the holidays . It is more fun to run/jog/workout/walk with friends and family but if that is not possible for what ever reason , simply being active and moving will help your mental state a great deal .

People tend to eat , drink , and party more while sleeping less and working more during the holidays . Those things will sabotage you .

Go roller skating or ice skating in the afternoons . It doesn't really matter what you are doing just try to be tired by the time evening rolls around so that the awake time spent snuggling a pillow is minimal .





panthersub -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (12/4/2008 4:20:17 PM)

My past history is somewhat like yours, in learning to trust again, and yes i will also be alone this holiday and probably every holiday thereafter until i find someone. It's very hard, i agree. But maybe if you call your close friends? i would also suggest calling your family, but with your maybe not so great relationship with them, i don't know if you would want to. But with my Dom, because i only see him once a week,  it tends to make it a lot harder to feel that special feeling.



simpleplan2 -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (12/4/2008 4:33:48 PM)

Many years ago, when my husband died and left me with two very small children (and he died right before the holidays) I wondered how I was going to face them alone.  A few days before xmas, we went out and bought 2 boxes of candy canes.  On christmas, we went to the movies and gave a candy cane to everyone who was working that day.  You should have seen the smiles on the faces of the workers as my 2 ums shyly approached them and said Merry Christmas, holding out their candy canes.  This is a tradition we still do every Christmas and it's been almost 15 years.  No matter what, hun, there is someone worse off than you.

Take your kids and volunteer at a soup kitchen,  No, you won't have anyone to hold you, but you will feel so good about yourself.



oceanwynds -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (12/4/2008 4:46:51 PM)

Thanksgiving I spent with my daughter. On the way back to Sir's, a couple days later, a sadness crept in me, a longing, missing of my late husband. We were so close as a family, and his presence was missed by us both. It was also a ritual that he and I would have whenever we were apart. I began missing that ritual. Then, there was guilt that I had to also deal with, since Sir would be meeting me at the train station. My guilt was about missing my late hubby, and not Sir. A nice thing though did happen on that train. The woman sitting next to me was a widow as well, and much longer then me. She let me talk through my pain and helped me to be alright with it. Time I got to the train station, I was happy to see Sir.

My reasoning for writing this is to say, if we look someone might just be beside us to help us feel better. I am glad I took the chance to share with this woman. Old rituals will take a long time to get over, if ever, completely, but new ones will eventually take hold. Hang in there:)

oceanwynds



lunadancer -> RE: Holiday loneliness. How do you cope? (12/4/2008 4:53:11 PM)

big hugs to everyone....i can relate to what mikkilicious is talking about, this is my first time to be away from family and friends during the holidays too.....all the comments have been great and just reading what everyone has said to mikki makes things not seem so bad, i love this site and all who are here......



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