Masters and Depression (Full Version)

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MTslave -> Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 7:15:56 PM)

Here is a question that I'm going to put on both this section and others... for I'd like a wide variety of feedback if possible...

What does one or can one do, if their Master sinks into a deep depression and 'looses' the ability to Master themselves no less anyone else. To add another demension to this, the Master is half a world away working... so there is absolutely no physical contact, and very limited calls (international rates aren't great).

To vague, I guess I'll make this more personal, not that I really want to but I'd like educated and thoughtful ideas.

My Master is 8600 miles away. Has been for two months and will be for at least another two if not three more. When he first got there we communicated mostly via email and msn with the occasional call. He'd be online every evening for several hours and first thing in the morning while he was getting ready. Now over there they work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week... so it's tough working... throw in the hour plus drive and it makes for really long days with no breaks. But we managed fairly well to begin with. Then it started to slow down. Between the time difference (11 hours) the holidays, and just regular life, sometimes a day would be missed etc etc... but there was always email....

well then....

Things started to slowly drift away. Sure when we talked it was still good. He admitted to being horribly depressed. I tried to buck his spirits as best I could... but the last time I spoke with him, I could hear the toll it was taking... I could hear the depression in his voice. Talk about heart wrenching. Since then the emails have nearly stopped.... those that are sent are signed T not Master.. not addressed to slave as they usually were... It's been days and days since I've seen him online...

I just don't know what to do to help. Help him... heck to help myself... it's so very hard... I try to keep my worries and fears in check... but I fear that I'm quickly comming to a breaking point, and frankly, don't think he can handle it when I reach that point. I just don't know what to do.

Any idea's or advice are greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Master T's slave



ginawithaB -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 7:35:18 PM)

MTslave,

First, let me say how sorry I am to hear your Master is going through such a difficult and trying time...and I am hurting for you in your position. In order to offer good suggestions I need to ask some futher questions. If you don't feel comfortable anwering these questions in open forum, you may certainly email me.

ok, here goes. How long are you and Master together, and how much of that time in M/s relationship? Describe the quality of your communications, ie-how honest and open are you both with each other? How old are you both? Have either of you ever engaged in counseling or psychotherapy? Does Master have any significant history w/ depression or other mental illness or is this more a reaction to current situation? What is Master's work? Is he in remote area or does he have any access to resources? Why does he have no breaks in work? Are you the only person to whom he is close who is in regular contact with him? Does Master have access to good medical care where he is? Are there recreational opportunities? Any history of substance abuse/dependence?

These are enough to start with. I apologize for the persoanl nature of thedse questions, but i think in order to make suggestions that will be potentially helpful it's important to understand as much about the circumstance as is possible. Again, please feel free to email if you are uncomfortable answering in open forum. And no matter what you decide to do, I wish both you and Master the very best.

gina



MTslave -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 7:38:21 PM)

gina-

A lot of those questions I would indeed prefer to speak in private with, however your profile is now showing for me so I am unable to email you

MT's



DesertRat -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 8:35:27 PM)

How old is your Master? Has he suffered from depression before, or is this an onset of something new? If he's had it before, has he tried any kind of therapy?

Reason I'm asking is because I suffered from depression for most of my adult life. Quite severely, too. About 10 years ago I decided I'd had enough and I got some help. Really good help, apparently. Long story short is, I no longer get depressed like that. Sure, I get sad sometimes, but the big monster that used to sit on me for months or years at a time is gone. I learned how to deal with it. Not just put up with it...I learned how to actually make it go away.

If you want to talk about it, you can email me. Sometimes the profile finder on this side doesn't work, so you might have to manually access my profile if you want to talk.

No matter what, my best wishes go to both of you.

Bob



daredevil865 -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 8:51:56 PM)



Now over there they work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week... so it's tough working... throw in the hour plus drive and it makes for really long days with no breaks.

Things started to slowly drift away. Sure when we talked it was still good. He admitted to being horribly depressed. I tried to buck his spirits as best I could... but the last time I spoke with him, I could hear the toll it was taking... I could hear the depression in his voice. Talk about heart wrenching. Since then the emails have nearly stopped.... those that are sent are signed T not Master.. not addressed to slave as they usually were... It's been days and days since I've seen him online...

I just don't know what to do to help. Help him... heck to help myself... it's so very hard... I try to keep my worries and fears in check... but I fear that I'm quickly comming to a breaking point, and frankly, don't think he can handle it when I reach that point. I just don't know what to do.

-----------


Master T's slave...your Master is working hard half a world away...long days..away from the one He cares about...it is normal to think that He may be going through difficult even depressing times...signing His emalis to you as T instead of Master may show at this time He does not feel much like a Master...if you are having difficulties in Mastering your own life it is normal you would have difficulties in being a Master to another...

now what can you do..no doubt you are feeling helpless as you see your Master going through difficult times and yet you are not at the feet of your Master to help him..what you can do for Him where you are ...you can remain strong..you state you fear that you are quickly comming to a breaking point...remember it is not about you , it is what you can do for your Master and if the best thing you can do for Him is to remain strong this is what you Must Do...write Him a long email telling Him how happy you are to be His slave , how well he takes care of you and that of course while his slave misses Him that you will be there waiting for Him when He returns...even a Master can get lonely and may need to hear you will be there when He gets back

Hope things work out for both of you


DareDevil



amayos -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 9:09:46 PM)

Perhaps he is in need of therapy?

If he cannot be cheered up, and the state of depression lasts for more than two months, he should seek professional help.



MTslave -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 9:23:15 PM)

Thank you all for your time and effort in replying... All your comments and thoughts are keeping me busy in the thinking department.

Very grateful
Master T's



OscarHargraves -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 10:10:26 PM)

Is Master T a military man? If so he can get help for depression right in his own outfit. Lots of us had that problem to some extent or another while we were over seas. Sometimes just talking to your buddies helps. If not he can try the chaplain's office or go to his 1st Sgt and tell them about it. It's better to talk it out than try to keep it in. Unfortuantely there really isn't much you can do except support and encourage him any way you can.



KnightofMists -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 10:11:45 PM)

Don't mess with Depression.... seek professional help!!! However, it is up to him to make that choice. As far as yourself... go look for support-groups... these could provide you with a some more specific ideas on how to support someone you love that is in the grips of Depression. Of course, I think I would be rather careful in sharing you particular lifestyle in such an environment. Also, there are lifestyle aware medical professional that could be helpful to you... seek them out. I am thinking that you need to ask the right people these questions...and on here.. well as good as the thougths maybe.. they are not going to get you as far as need to go right now.

good luck

KoM



parfait -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/20/2005 10:59:51 PM)

I am so sorry to hear about your difficult situation.

quote:

so there is absolutely no physical contact, and very limited calls (international rates aren't great).


I think the skype would be a great solution for the phone communication.

http://www.skype.com/

quote:

Things started to slowly drift away. Sure when we talked it was still good. He admitted to being horribly depressed. I tried to buck his spirits as best I could... but the last time I spoke with him, I could hear the toll it was taking... I could hear the depression in his voice. Talk about heart wrenching. Since then the emails have nearly stopped.... those that are sent are signed T not Master.. not addressed to slave as they usually were... It's been days and days since I've seen him online...

I just don't know what to do to help. Help him... heck to help myself... it's so very hard... I try to keep my worries and fears in check... but I fear that I'm quickly comming to a breaking point, and frankly, don't think he can handle it when I reach that point. I just don't know what to do.


If he is really depressed there is not much you can do, especially when you are so far apart. What you can do is being strong, supportive and patient till he comes back.

I don’t know where your Master is located but maybe there is some health care system from where he could seek a medical help?

I know your situation is hard and I wish you and your Master all the best through this difficult time.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 6:18:43 AM)

Depression in the Lifestyle

Depression in a master

Depression and dominance



LaMalinche -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 7:41:54 AM)

12 hour days, 7 days a week plus an hour drive. . . maybe he is just tired?

12-14 hours a day with no let up, and that does not include the time needed to do the mundane things like, sleep, shower, laundry, and such.

The possibility is there that it is not depression, but exhaustion.

Just my two-cents.

Hope things get better, or that he at least gets a day off.

Best wishes



MissHarlet -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 7:43:21 AM)

I have no additional advice for you. Seems that others have already stated all that I think. However, as silly as it sounds I can send you lots of hugs and with your permission would add you and your Master to my prayer circle.



MTslave -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 10:01:54 AM)

thank you thank you thank you so very much
All of you have jumped right in here and been so helpful. I've read each and every reply and am processing it all. Looking at the sites. It's incredible how you've all helped. Thank you

Humbled
Master T's slave



windchymes -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 1:22:45 PM)

I agree that it's probably very significant that he's signing his emails "T" and not "Master". It takes a lot of mental energy to be the M in an M/s relationship. It sounds as though he's mentally exhausted right now, and very understandably so, and he probably just doesn't have it in him right now to take care of himself, work the hours he's working, AND be totally responsible for a "slave"'s health, welfare and well-being. It sounds to me that right now, he needs a compassionate and understanding friend and partner....and, if you are married or in a real time romantic partnership.....a wife/girlfriend/partner. It sounds as though he just has a lot on his plate right now, and that maybe the Master/Slave role is just too much for him right now. Maybe he just needs to know that you can be strong and self-supporting for awhile, until he gets through this rough time, or gets back home, which ever comes first.

Maybe it will give him a little bit of emotional relief for you to just be "Tom and Sue" (or whatever your real names are :) ) for awhile. He could very well be suffering from job burnout, besides being homesick and almost 9000 miles away from those he loves. And he absolutely should seek out some kind of professional help for the depression.

When he's back home and settled and (hopefully) back to his old self, then you can go back to your Master/Slave roles. Maybe even have a re-collaring kind of ceremony, like a renewing of your vows? lol

Wishing you the best,
chymes



MTslave -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 8:01:02 PM)

Thank you all again for the out pouring of suggestions and comments both on this thread and mailed to me. To try and answer a few questions...

Master is indeed beyond burned out. No he is not military but privately contracted through the military so is on base all the time anyway. Some of the suggestions given I had been doing although perhaps not as much as I should have. Your responses have given reaffirmation that I should do those things and even more so.

As far as what prompted all of this in the first place... the not signing Master... just using T... yes windchymes I agree it is very significant I'm glad you said that as well. However you did help me to see if from a slightly less biased view.... thank you for that. I have not complained about this and will not bring it up until he is home or he himself says something.... I'll just keep trudging on till he's home.

Thank you all again so very much.

Master T's slave



mystictryst -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/21/2005 8:22:04 PM)

I know what you are talking about.

My Master and I have been together for 7 years. About 6 months into it, he started being different.. Our (sexual) contact drifted, the BDSM side of our relationship dissapeared. I knew something was "up", but he was indifferent and difficult to talk to about it. We often faught bitterly about it. We both started drifting apart and unknown to one another, we started to seek out other relationships because of it. I tried and tried and tried to speak to him about it, but never got anywhere.

It has persisted for the past 6 years and to varying degrees of severity. Coupled with my own depressive problems, things often got worse between us. Finally, about a year ago, after being in councelling myself for a number of years, I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he had to get himself fixed because I could not and would not carry on like this.

It has been a very, very, very long road, and there is still a long road ahead of us. I don't know if things will get better, but the one thing I learned from all of it is there is nothing you can do to help them unless they are willing to admit to themselves they need help. Period. End of story. He needs to see it/realize it/accept it. No amount of yelling, loving, caring, screaming, leaving, will ever make him do what only he can do.

My thoughts are with you both.



B1gbear -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/22/2005 7:50:42 AM)

Being ex-military myself and spending time in that region of the world I can tell you that depression is a natural part of that existance. Military or not. There is a harsh and cruel reality to life outside of the U.S. (or Alice's Wonderland), as I used to referred to the U.S. When you are away and around military things elsewhere in the world it is quite common to go through depression. Its also common to bring it home with you. Sometimes taking a long time to put it behind you. If he is in a war zone, expect it will change him. It will make him much stronger and grounded, but will take the innocence from him as well. If he is just at some military base with nothing to do with the war, he still is likely just very burned out and burried with the realities of his job. No Master can be Master 24/7. Even if we only work an 8 hour job and come home each day we need times to just decompress and be the Man in your life, not bearing the overwhelming responsibilities of Master. (At least that's how they seem at the moment while we are in need of that decompressing.) This is natural human psychology.....everyone needs a break from time to time. If overseas and consumed by your job around the military multiply this about 20 fold.

When you are looking through the rose colored glasses in a new D/s relationship you tend to love to use those Master/sub terms. When you are buried in work and the harsh realities of life, it tends to disillution you a bit and maybe leave you less than eager to claim to be something you might not be feeling like at the moment. Does that mean he doesn't want to be Master any more? No, it means he may just be feeling like and needing to be T, not Master at the moment. One thing I'm relatively sure he is counting on though is you being there waiting for him when he returns. You being his partner first, sub second. Chances are he is subconciously deciding he can't be happy again till he is home and with you once more. (Hint, even those who demand that D/s comes before partnerships in life subconciously need that partner too. They just work better in a D/s dynamic and fear letting that get put aside for the vanilla equivalent. Its a hard dyanmic to keep in place. The Dom who isn't afraid to put it aside temporarily while life situations are dealt with is a secure Dom and one who is capable of stepping back into the role of Master when the time is right.)

Its hard, no two ways about it, but be strong and hang in there. Your dedication to him will build massive amounts of trust within him for you. He knows damn well how easy it is to just write it off cause its hard. Not doing that will go miles in the trust area. If for some reason he doesn't come out of it or want to be Master again when he returns, well at least you will have the internal strength and patience tried and tested within yourself to fall back on. Respect and trust in yourself if pretty valuable too. From what I read it sounds like that last part is not a problem for you. My hats off to you....too many would have started this thread looking for an excuse to dump him. Hang in there. :O)




MTslave -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/22/2005 11:07:38 PM)

I appreciate everyone's effort to give such heartfelt adice. Thank you once more for all the time and thoughts you've put into your replies.

Master T's slace



theRose4U -> RE: Masters and Depression (12/23/2005 1:25:06 PM)

As a Domme that has become slave to her job on more than one occasion I would say that it is HIGHLY likely that the extended hours of likely stressful work waill pull every ounce of strength mental and physical from him. I agree with the comment that the change in signature may be a reflection of not feeling like a master.
Emails of encouragement, care packages of things from home, researching ways to help him decompress (massages, american restaurants, things that remind of home) are your best bet. Many relationships have broken up for less. I think that it is your strength of will, feelings for your master and how he has trained you to carry yourself when alone that will be the most important now. Journaling will help you with your emotions but only you know what is in your heart.



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