SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I am afraid step out too much into any area here that I think really might require expert medical advice (as opposed to lay people's opinions completely based on their own life experiences, although a lot of it might be very helpful and is what you asked for). Although you give a complete synopsis of the situation as you see it (and granted, you're "living in it" so you know a LOT about why it may be happening) , I still don't know enough about the entire situation to have a complete, well-rounded opinion. Having said that, I will offer an opinion based on what little I know and what I think I can surmise. Hope it helps.
If he is depressed because he is working such long hours and is far away from you and cannot contact you as much,and has been doing that for a long while, as you say (Because he is depressed due to the long hours), it seems to me it is a cycle that it might be worth trying to take a risk to break.
Here's my "two cents" - it is what I would do if I were you (I am not you, but this may help) - If you can afford it, are you allowed to contact him without his initiating contact first (via telephone)?
If so - find out if you can (hopefully via himself) when he is available to talk, at least for a half hour some day or evening so you can get a better feel for what might be happening with the relationship? Would that not cheer him a bit? To talk to you?
If, perchance, he is too busy to speak to you, despite the emotional cost to you, if it really would break your heart to lose him, I would try again in a few days, saying you just need some clarification. I would suggest and say this pretty gently and not in any accusatory fashion (not that I am assuming you'd be accusatory - I don't even know you, but it would be a bad idea for me to do that. It's just not how I operate).
Anyway -I'd try again to contact him once again, it sounds like it is a long-standing relationship and you deserve some minutes of his time to see where things are headed between you (I certainly think so).
I'd consider before and if you contact him that depression can be very debilitating to a person. Regardless of how he sounds about where your relationship is going when you talk. In other words, if you don't get the answers you want or were hoping for, or even much lively conversation from him (and I am not assuming you won't, but if you weren't ready to have to brace for a worst case scenario, then you wouldn't have a problem,to discuss here, so am just suggesting) - if you Don't get the answers you are hoping for - don't jump to the conclusion it's because he's "decided it's over."
I guess the tough part is discerning which is which. If he's really depressed and dis-heartened, than I think any "lack of interest" you could detect even in a phone convo could be chalked up to depression As Much As anything like: "He is no-longer interested in me" (which seems to be one thing you may be fearing). I would not want to experience that either, it would make me feel bad. But -If he's depressed, that might not be what is happening at all (or, it indeed might be happening, but Not because he doesn't appreciate you anymore).
Depression (you probably already know) can make some people lose interest in just about Everything they once enjoyed. And for some people, I am sure that relentless over-work might cause it and-or exacerbate it. I'd be really gentle and concerned when and if you contact him - and ask if he's thought about a quick visit to a doctor because he sounds so sad, and you have done some research, due to deep concern for him, about depression because he sounds sad and down and that, above all, you are his friend and want to help him no matter what. Also ask if there is a particular reason besides overwork he hasn't contacted you. If there is, tell him you really value the fact you know he is an honest person and know he has no reason to not be straight with you because he is a person of integrity (plus, you can handle it).
I'd let him know that you discovered (he may already know this and have done his own research, who knows)? thateven a General Practitioner medical doctor would be able to maybe give him some meds to help lift it. Hopefully he has decent health insurance. And maybe it isn't depression but possibly anouther medical issue. In any case, if you think it's dangerous, try to get him to committ to seeing a doctor to find out what it might be, and let him know you are concerned for his health.
It is not a thing to be ashamed of. He may already know this, too. But in case he doesn't, I think I'd mildly suggest he ponder the following: Why would anyone live with the condition if there are treatments and medicines to help? A lot of the anti-depressant medication that's on the market these days works for some within about two weeks. If taking them will make someone feel better, why should they walk around feeling lousy? It's depressing enough he has to be away from you, right? Why would he want to top off that with not being able to help himself in any way to feel better?
If he is opposed to prescription medicine for some reason, maybe alternative meds can help. In any case, I am not an expert (but have personal experience I consider credible on this topic). But he should see a professional to get any solution here.
I guess I am saying I think that IF this is a medical issue, I hope he does not consider it "unmasculine or un-Masterly" to seek medical advice and treatment. Would he not go to a doctor if he had a broken leg and get it re-set and a cast put on? Etc. Anyway - I am sure you know what I mean.
The condition of "depression" has "come out of the closet" and people who have it are no longer considered auto-candidates for lifetimes in a "loony bin" as they once were by some - and haven't been seen that way for twenty years or more by many people in the general public (least that's my perception). President Abraham Lincoln, I've read, was severely depressed for decades of his life, (including during most of the Civil War period) his intelligent strategizing and courage helped this country win the Civil War. People suffering from it are not seen by most of the general public anymore as candidates for white strait jackets. It's a condition that's highly treatable and people do recover from it - all the time.
I have a little experience with this, as chemical depression runs in my family. I have it, but you'd never know it because I found out early on how to treat it. It is uni-polar depression, not bi-bolar (which doesn't really matter) Lucky me - it is completely treatable. In my particular case, it is a depression that is completley genetically based. Some people combine meds with counseling therapy. I applaud them actually taking steps to remedy their condition that are needed in their particular situations. Sounds like he could use a major league vacation, too. My opinion is that taking meds is better than being miserable.I've been taking anti-depressants since I was 18 years old and don't plan to stop. My depression(s) were classified as "severe". I know I need medicine to keep it at bay. Periodically I go off them (to check if I "still need them", although I intellectually know it's silly, maybe I still suffer from feeling some stigma about it from years ago, I shouldn't bother to try this) - and always - within days I feel like walking death. Nothing is fun and I stop eating. It's a Medical condition - I am nowhere near "crazy" and never have been. I need medicine - I take it. I will continue to take it.
It really is that simple - so I hope your Master does not shy away from seeking help if he needs it. I do not feel I am "weak,"or "drug addicted" (my meds are Not addictive) nor do i feel I am "odd". The medicine works for me, and made my life truly much happier. Anti-depressants are legal (at least in the U.S., and I'd assume in most other countries, too). I trust the doctor I see who prescribes them. Good luck with this. I would call your Master, see if you can help, and try to get some clarity from him about your relationship...take care and Happy Holidays. Try not to worry.
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/21/2005 12:24:54 AM >
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