RE: Where does love come in for Doms?

RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

tied2bteased -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 9:42:09 AM)
In my opinion the BDSM usually suffered when the Dominant "fell in love" not sure if it has to do with stereotypes or what it is. Just the way it is. I think a bit of healthy detachment on both sides is smart.

ODadEO -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 10:12:27 AM)
lol -- I make it clear that I love having her to use, that I love the fact I have her as a slave... but -- I do not profess love in any other terms. I have a wife whom I love very much, and she is the only one I will love. But as for the things I love, well...she (the slave) will know she is one of the foremost of those ;)

thishereboi -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 10:15:21 AM)
I agree akisha....Lucky is the link master.

Icarys -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 12:09:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys It was a friendly poke. Anyone that looks at her post score and has half a brain cell can tell she IS on more than the rest of us. I have more than half a brain cell and I figured it's because she has posted more than most of us. I'm here a lot, but I read threads more than I post to them. I know what you said was in jest, but the rest of my brain cells got jealous of that one little half cell who got all the attention. [;)] As for the love comment, I agree with LaTigresse (something I often do) - people place too many conditions on love, and, in my opinion, that's not love at all. At least not my version of it. There is no such thing as unconditional love. You may come close but if you can lose it, it's not unconditional.

Icarys -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 12:21:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tied2bteased In my opinion the BDSM usually suffered when the Dominant "fell in love" not sure if it has to do with stereotypes or what it is. Just the way it is. I think a bit of healthy detachment on both sides is smart. I disagree. I think the more a female falls for me the deeper in her submission she may go. In my love for her I will push myself to do what is necessary, that much more, to insure our relationship works. Whether it be punishment, affection or release as well. (As in, if it's not working, I would rather try and stay friends than wind up hating her or her hating me)

LaTigresse -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 1:53:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys It was a friendly poke. Anyone that looks at her post score and has half a brain cell can tell she IS on more than the rest of us. I have more than half a brain cell and I figured it's because she has posted more than most of us. I'm here a lot, but I read threads more than I post to them. I know what you said was in jest, but the rest of my brain cells got jealous of that one little half cell who got all the attention. [;)] As for the love comment, I agree with LaTigresse (something I often do) - people place too many conditions on love, and, in my opinion, that's not love at all. At least not my version of it. There is no such thing as unconditional love. You may come close but if you can lose it, it's not unconditional. We've had this particular debate before. For me, while I very much do love unconditionally, and never think of it as being lost. There have been people that I have built up barriers of some sort to, for my own sanity. I still love them, I am just not open to the hurt or chaos they can bring into my life. The love is unconditional, the liberties I allow them in my daily life is not.

Huntertn -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 3:59:55 PM)
love is either there or its not...but expressing it..lol..now thats a different story

Icarys -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 5:28:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys It was a friendly poke. Anyone that looks at her post score and has half a brain cell can tell she IS on more than the rest of us. I have more than half a brain cell and I figured it's because she has posted more than most of us. I'm here a lot, but I read threads more than I post to them. I know what you said was in jest, but the rest of my brain cells got jealous of that one little half cell who got all the attention. [;)] As for the love comment, I agree with LaTigresse (something I often do) - people place too many conditions on love, and, in my opinion, that's not love at all. At least not my version of it. There is no such thing as unconditional love. You may come close but if you can lose it, it's not unconditional. We've had this particular debate before. For me, while I very much do love unconditionally, and never think of it as being lost. There have been people that I have built up barriers of some sort to, for my own sanity. I still love them, I am just not open to the hurt or chaos they can bring into my life. The love is unconditional, the liberties I allow them in my daily life is not. Yes we have. The very act of you holding them at arms length shows that there are in fact conditions set for you. They act a certain way so you place them in a certain space in your head..if you know what I mean. Love does diminish based on how we perceive the other one as treating us. I still carry love for people that are long gone in my life but it isn't what it was when we were together. So in a sense..part has been lost.

ThundersCry -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/18/2008 6:10:00 PM)
Ummm....it usually shows up after a good...canin`.... Darn,,,

IronBear -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (11/19/2008 5:51:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tied2bteased In my opinion the BDSM usually suffered when the Dominant "fell in love" not sure if it has to do with stereotypes or what it is. Just the way it is. I think a bit of healthy detachment on both sides is smart. Whilst I respect your opinion, and yes I have seen this on the odd occasion and too I agree that healthy detachment is good for some relationships and dynamics, like all things there is also a converse opinion and finding. Amongst my friends in the kink lifestyle (including the Gorean Lifestyle folk), the majuority are in a deep and close relationship with their sub/slave partner. Some are marriued to them and others are similarly bonded. A sub/slave being in love with his or her Master/Mistress or Dominant will probably find that their devotion and level of submission deepens. Likewist a Dominant may well find that his or her level of Dominance increases and improves if they are in love with their sub/slave. Their love is shown in their dominance amoingst other things. If a couple who are M/s or D/s find that being in love interferes with their BDSM dynamic, I question their cottmitment to BDSM to start with and perhps they belong to those who use BDSM techniques as for play and sex games. Nothing wrong with that of course...

twisteddoll -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/27/2009 12:36:09 AM)
My Master shows me he loves me all the time. But my favorite way is when he gives me my way for no reason, like when I haven't done anything to really even deserve it. Like, he's just giving me my way or spoiling me because he wants to. It gives me the warm fuzzies! =]

RumpusParable -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/27/2009 10:35:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirslittleredass It's easy for me to see where love lies in BDSM for subs - it's just dripping with devotion. But how does love play into it for Doms? When you are above us being these dastardly (delicious) characters.... how do you express love? Same way I do outside BDSM: gentle touches, shared laughs, using a bad in-joke, playfulness to my play or just everyday life, the occasional sweet word or letter, etc. During a scene... just being careful with them, checking in if I see/hear something worrisome, the random of the above list of the things...

MasterRaid -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/27/2009 11:09:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirslittleredass It's easy for me to see where love lies in BDSM for subs - it's just dripping with devotion. But how does love play into it for Doms? When you are above us being these dastardly (delicious) characters.... how do you express love? Simple I tell her. again not that hard a thing to do. You can express it with touching, caring, being protective, pampering, caressing, sexual, mental, emotional, and many other ways I do. But the best way to express it, just say it, "Daddy loves you."

SummerWind -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/27/2009 7:57:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tied2bteased In my opinion the BDSM usually suffered when the Dominant "fell in love" I've had the opposite experience

Lordandmaster -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/27/2009 8:53:39 PM)
It certainly changes. I've also known of cases where the BDSM suffered, but I don't believe it's inevitable. I think making sure that falling in love does not destroy what attracted the partners to each other in the first place is just another one of the dominant's responsibilities. quote: ORIGINAL: tied2bteased In my opinion the BDSM usually suffered when the Dominant "fell in love"

LovingDom86 -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/29/2009 12:12:08 PM)
This completely depends on the individuals involved, and the dynamic of the relationship. As seen by the diversity of responses thus far, some perfectly healthy and respectable relationships are able to sustain and often thrive without what the vanilla world would call "love" or direct expressions thereof. This has everything to do with the parties involved, and I believe there is no "cookie-cutter" template for ALL relationships of a BDSM nature. Personally, I agree largely with IronBear's expressed sentiments: To me, love is absolutely central to any meaningful relationship. Again, this is in no ways a bashing or disrespecting of couples/relationships that believe and live differently, but this is how I need to function, and what would be made very clear to my partner from day one. So, to answer the thread title in my own view, love is there before D/s comes into play. Yes, it's a delicate balance as the BDSM side of things is also a need, but in MY personal case, love is the foundation. This, of course, completely affects my entire philosophy on D/s life, and I stand firm with my respectable differences to much of the rest of the BDSM community, which I think is the beautiful thing about diversity! It really depends on the parties involved. I like to romantically believe we all have that match somewhere out there; that person who wants to remain politely detached for play, the more extreme power dynamic of a relationship, or in my case, the hopelessly romantic clingy type;) Always follow what is in YOUR heart, and it will lead you to YOUR personal answer. Don't try to live someone else's life! Also, avoid judging others because they don't necessarily match your opinions on the matter; the BDSM community is built on respect of all corners of our vast world, and while we don't have to understand or endorse, it is always best to appreciate and respect.

chiaThePet -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/29/2009 12:19:29 PM)
I dunno, somewhere around "OH MY GOD I'M GONNA CU............."? What? chia* (the pet)

SteelofUtah -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/29/2009 2:09:17 PM)
I like when old threads get resurected to receive the same old answers that never really answer anything. Guess I'll add my pennies to the sea of pocket change. Love. I think more than anything the Dynamic you use defined the ability to sustain love within it. I know of many Sadists whom will tell you it is with love that they give what the masochist needs and then there is the crowd who will tell you that the presence of love will detract from giving the masochist what they need. I know Dominants who will tell you that what they do is about Control and that love introduces an emotion that can be contradictory to love. Love is an Emotional reaction to feelings that are illogical at best. Love is easily blamed when someone does something dangerous and doesn't know why they did it. I also know that I would not be happy in ANY relationship that did not harbor love for all parties involved. It is because of my Love that certain things are off limits. It is these things that at times seem to be contradictory to the way I explain my dynamic. Love comes in for me from the beginning, that is to say when I am determining my ability, my capasity for love for the individual in front of me. It is in this brief determination that I am able to differenciate between desire and real connection. I WANT many things. I want to have sex with the super model and force her to eat cheeseburgers and french fries untill she looks healthy again. I want to share my bed with any of the women I find sexually attractive. I want to tie up and defile women who want to be tied up and defiled. But I found that I LOVE my girl, I love everything about her and I feel the NEED to maintain a healthy mental,emotional and benificial relationship. I find that in order to do this I have to actually care and be invested in those things. I have to care about how she feels about certain things. I have to be aware of the pit falls in getting her to do the things that I want done. See there are things that the sheer mention of brings emotional shut down to her and I still desire those things and so in order to get them without causing emotional distress to her, I take a loving approach, one in which I help to mold her to be better able to serve me by presenting the things I want done in a way that is more acceptable to her. Over time this was done many ways but one of the most effective is one that has been discussed here a few time, one not everyone agrees with and one some people find to be complete poppycock. I have made things very good for andi here in my home. I have given her all the things she needs including teacher her how to determine the difference between a need and a want. During all of this I have instituted the idea that she has two choices that I can never take away from her and that is the choice to Obey or the Choice to leave. Now one would ask where is the love in that and I would be inclined to agree if as it implies is how it is enacted. Andi likes being my slave, she likes what she gets out of it and yet she doesn't always WANT to follow through with what is expected of her. So I will tell her she has a choice, one in which we have discussed many times, one in which she can Obey what I require of her or she can leave me as being my slave, Not my wife, not my lover, but my slave. I have explained that I don't knw what that would mean but I know that I cannot just be Vanilla it isn't in me. Since I have never had a situation like that happen I don't know how it would play out but that We would cross that bridge if we had to. By using the process of What is Priority (Her Needs, My Needs, My Wants, Her Wants) we have managed to have it always work out that it is easier for her to do what I want of her then it is to leave because she doesn't want to do it. Inside of that is also the fact that I do not want her to leave and so I determine certain requests not a necessity. For Instance I may want to have sex with every woman who wants to, but andi isn't okay with that and although I may WANT to do it, I feel it would be too much for her and there for is not WORTH what getting it would mean. It is a World of Backs and Forths and I doubt that love makes since to anyone what we do know is that it works for us and has meaning to us. It makes Sense to us. I think love is like that. It won't always makie sense to the outside world but if it makes sense to those who are in it..... who cares what anyone else thinks. Steel

Musicmystery -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/29/2009 2:28:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirslittleredass It's easy for me to see where love lies in BDSM for subs - it's just dripping with devotion. But how does love play into it for Doms? When you are above us being these dastardly (delicious) characters.... how do you express love? Well, what do you suppose would motivate a man to do something so completely insane as assuming full control and responsibility for a girl?

StrongSpirit -> RE: Where does love come in for Doms? (3/29/2009 2:52:13 PM)
First, remember that there are different kinds of love. They are not 'rankable', each is as worthy as the next. Speaking only emotionally here, (not going to get into physical, the way you love your child is different than the way you love your spouse, which is different from the way you love your parent, which is different from the way you love a sibling, which is different from the way you love a pet. By pet I mean an actual canine, feline, avian, or whatever. Please note that healthy parent/child and owner/pet love relationships routinely involve massive amounts of domination. As a Dom, I can love my sub and still dominate her (even while caning her), just as any parent can love their child (even while spanking her), or an owner can love their pet (even while spanking her with a rolled up newspaper. Just because you love someone and would be willing to die for them does not mean you are going to let them get away with disobedience. Also note, you may be confusing sadism with dominance. Right now I am only talking about dominance, not sadism, because I don't have a large sadistic streak. I can see how it might be more difficult for a sadistic dominant to love their slave, as love often involves a willingness to protect your love object. But I could be wrong, I am not the right person to ask about it as I am not particularly sadistic.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875