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antipode -> RE: getting connected (11/17/2008 12:49:24 PM)
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quote:
i have moved to long island new york from the city
For those who don't live in New York, but in the United States, let me 'splain.
Career minded folk start out in Manhattan, where they rent someone's walk-in closet for $3,000 a month. It comes with toilet paper, which is called a "sublease".
After their first promotion, they move up to their own apartment, which is two walk-in closets, and a shelf for the microwave. They have to suck someone's dick to gain entry to the building; this is known as "getting board approval", or "finding the Super". In the Village, they have to perform other services, as well. This is known as "bending over". The Village is the area of Manhattan where Federal Express does not deliver elevators. Living there is known as "the walkup".
Eventually, they are given permission to move to more spacious accomodation - we are still looking at the two walk-in closets here, but the shelf can accomodate a microwave as well as a toaster oven, and there is a three foot approach road out front, parking for UPS trucks, and an 8 square foot backyard with wading pool. They are now allowed one child per closet. This is varyingly known as "crossing the Bridge & Tunnel" or "being sent to Queens" (compare the Londoner's "being sent to Coventry").
Moving Westward, to the area known as "Joisey", sometimes referred to as "Soprano", is discouraged; you would need a visa to enter the United States of America, anyway, which would take more "board approval", and you need a digital subscription to HBO.
Eventually, most parts of New York fill up, and every six months the excess is banned to a place known as "Lonk Island". This runs from the former Dutch colonial village of "Konijnen Eiland" (Coney Island) to Madonna's house in the Far East. Madonna is reputed to have come from a vegetable allotment in Manhattan; this is known as "Central Park West". You can find it by following the black stretch limousine with tinted windows that collects young boys every night, in a place known as "Alphabet City" where they learn to spell with their mouth full.
Once you are on the Island, you get an honorary membership to what is known as the "Long Island Rail Road" which you are required to occupy during working hours, clutching what is known as a "white and sweet". No, that does not refer to race - race is not legal in New York, and any mention of it causes you to be banned to a place called "Upstate", which is very close to the Polar Circle. This is where, for instance, Bill Clinton was banned to, after his unfortunate encounter with that handbag.
The only place where outdoor sex is allowed, on Long Island, is a mooring for garbage barges on what is known as "the South Shore". This is a catchment area for hurricanes that overshoot Dade County, FL, which is on the South side of the Verazzano Narrows Bridge; people who have parking tickets outstanding in Manhattan flee here. After the sex, you can board a garbage barge to go to Virginia, which is next door to a place called "the Administration", where all the trash is kept.
There is one known case of a non-New Yorker (commonly referred to as a "weirdo") making it onto the Island. He was found in Babylon, at the intersection of the Sunrise Highway (East) and the Sunrise Highway (West), and is reputed to come from a farm in the Very Far West called "Wisconsin". He was allowed to stay, and was put to work at the Suffolk County Retirement Home for Jewish Dogs.
Hic
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