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What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 9:32:10 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'm 23, I'm not close to my parents at all, and I stay in contact with them only because of my younger brother who is not capable of actively staying in touch with me himself. My mother would give me an earful and then be mean and hurtful if she knew about my lifestyle choice. Possibly even cutting me off from my brother.
I'm seeing someone who is 21, who is close to his parents, and was raised very differently than I was. He can be completely honest with his parents, I think (yes, I'm jealous of that). He told his mother in a letter about his choices and a little about me. They talked about it over the phone and today he told me a bit about what they talked about. I'm not sure if he told her anything about some of the choices we're making or have made, but he said that his mother had talked about those and she said that the choices are wrong unless we're married.

He wrote the letter, asked me to read it since I'm involved, and mailed it with my approval. Since his mother knows about his choice to be involved in this lifestyle, I feel that I need to meet her and set up an, at best, friendly relationship with her. I don't want to come between him and his family.
However I'm really struggling with the guilt and jealousy that I can't be honest with my own family. I think I might know a bit of the pain that gays deal with when they're hiding in the closet from their family or friends.

What do you do with parents? What are some good ways I can sensitively go about making friends with his mother despite doing things she doesn't agree with? He assures me that his mother is very open minded and wouldn't push anything on him/me/us but that doesn't really stop the panic from rising, you know?
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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 10:06:39 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Concentrate on the things you have in common, not on those you don't.  You obviously both care for her son.  That's something huge in common.

If she asks questions about your lifestyle answer them politely but don't feel a need to go into detail.  My grown daughter knows of my relationship with my Master, and she is just happy that I am happy.  It comes up in our conversations but I prefer to dwell on the psychological side - the trust and communication. 


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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 10:34:30 AM   
CookieSlave


Posts: 74
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		You don't have to approve of everything a person says or does in order to get along with them.  If you make a sincere effort to extend a friendly hand to this woman, hopefully she'll see it as such and respond in kind.

Good luck. 

--cs

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 10:45:25 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I guess the question I have is what exactly did he tell her?  Lifestyle is a pretty broad term and can mean different things to different people. 

His and Alandra's parents know that we are poly and that we are all in a relationship together.  My parents do not know.  His mother doesn't really approve, but everyone in the family is happy and she likes me.  We get along really well and even though she doesn't like his choices, she can't argue that we are all happy together.  They also know that he is the boss and that Alandra and I do what he says.  She really hates that part and tries to give us shit about it every time she visits.  But she is a very loving person and realizes that it is our choice to do what he says.

What they don't really know is how we like to get off.  They know we have a locked room in the house that only the three of us are allowed to go into.  She has referred to it as his "kinky room", but I am sure she has very little idea of what that actually means for us.  We see no reason to let her know how we like to have sex and have fun.  It just isn't their business.

They have broad brush strokes of what our life is like and it is put in a frame of reference that she can relate to, so I don't act any different with her than I would act if I was in a mainstream relationship.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 11:02:30 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If she really wants to get into the why, then say something simple such as that due to the way you were raised, where you weren't permitted to make any decisions of your own, right now you need someone who won't try to tell you what to do. That this is how you are balancing out your upbringing. What this implies, but doesn't say, is that after a time of being allowed to make all the decisions you may well welcome a more even relationship.

But what she's really worried about is that her son won't ever get his needs met, that he will be disrespected. So you want to show through looks and touches of affection that he is important to you, and that you want to know what his desires are. This could be as simple as asking him "Ok, what do you want for dinner - pizza or Chinese?" and then saying "pizza it is but no sausage remember". That's a safe way to show that although you make the final decision, you take his feelings and desires into account. Or alternatively announce it's pizza and ask if he wants sausage or hamburger on it. If you demonstrate through food, nobody gets upset, the way they do if you talk about other aspects.

But you need to show him, and them, the utmost of respect.  You can easily say "Honey, could I have a glass of water" and he'll do it. There's no reason to bark orders at him in his mother's presence.

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 11:28:30 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

What do you do with parents? What are some good ways I can sensitively go about making friends with his mother despite doing things she doesn't agree with? He assures me that his mother is very open minded and wouldn't push anything on him/me/us but that doesn't really stop the panic from rising, you know?


This is much more about you than it is your parents, or his for that matter. How confident are you? How independent are you? How willing are you to stand behind your decisions about what you are doing in your life and who you do it with?

Anytime I see concern about 'outing' to anyone I wonder why people focus on something that in my 52 years of existence has never come up. My parents, still living at 85/84, never asked me about my sexual preferences. The subject also has never come up with my business partners, clients, investors, or employees. Friends not involved in the lifestyle, are friends; although come to think of it over the years, a few have turned to the 'dark side'.

People will always get a direct and honest answer if they ask. Perhaps the only caveat is the warning that proceeds it - "Do you really want to know?" It they do - they live with the knowledge. Regardless of the source of the question, the decision to cut us off rests with them. I, or better we, didn't change. If knowing some of the intimacy of our relationship impacts them, the change is a result of their prejudice and/or bigotry. Better that aspect about them is 'outed' and I adjust my feelings toward them appropriately. We are a very happy couple. Why should the intimate nature of what makes us happy change how they perceive us? It shouldn't and if it does it discloses more about them than anything we can disclose about us.

Follow this wise advice taken from your own profile: "I will only give respect to those that give me the same..."
 
Did you mean that or is it just for advertisement purposes?

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 11/18/2008 12:27:32 PM >

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 11:53:07 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

What do you do with parents? What are some good ways I can sensitively go about making friends with his mother despite doing things she doesn't agree with? He assures me that his mother is very open minded and wouldn't push anything on him/me/us but that doesn't really stop the panic from rising, you know?


This is much more about you than it is your parents, or his for that matter. How confident are you? How independent are you? How willing are you to stand behind your decisions about what you are doing in your life and who you do it with?

Anytime I see concern about 'outing' to anyone I wonder why people focus on something that in my 52 years of existence has never come up. My parents, still living at 85/84, never asked me about my sexual preferences. The subject also has never come up with my business partners, clients, investors, or employees. Friends not involved in the lifestyle, are friends; although come to think of it over the years, a few have turned to the 'dark side'.

People will always get a direct and honest answer if they ask. Perhaps the only caveat is the warning that proceeds it - "Do you really want to know?" It they do - they live with the knowledge. Regardless of the source of the question, the decision to cut us off rests with them. I, or better we, didn't change. If knowing some of the intimacy of our relationship impacts them, the change is a result if their prejudice and/or bigotry. Better that aspect about them is 'outed' and I adjust my feelings toward them appropriately. We are a very happy couple. Why should the intimate nature of what makes us happy change how they perceive us? It shouldn't and if it does it discloses more about them than anything we can disclose about us.

Follow this wise advice taken from your own profile: "I will only give respect to those that give me the same..."
 
Did you mean that or is it just for advertisement purposes?


Of course a good kick to the butt helps, too. Thank you to everyone, but Mercnbeth, you really hit home. Sometimes I worry way too much and forget myself.
I just wish I had a loving relationship with my parents the way he seems to. I'm extremely happy for him, but I'd like to keep his relationship with them happy and healthy, not strained and quiet because of me. I don't want to be "that woman" whenever his mother mentions me, since I know mine would refer to him as "that boy" in the most degrading way.



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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 12:26:21 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

I just wish I had a loving relationship with my parents the way he seems to. I'm extremely happy for him, but I'd like to keep his relationship with them happy and healthy, not strained and quiet because of me. I don't want to be "that woman" whenever his mother mentions me, since I know mine would refer to him as "that boy" in the most degrading way.


Reading your statements about your family sounds familiar to me because of my background and about 4 years ago I draw my final line in all seriousness as you even name it "I will only give respect to those that give me the same..." My parents couldn't have shown me much less respect during my upbringing until today then they did. All my life I never got on with my father and not much better with my mother and had to stay strong about their constant attempt to put me down for all reasons they could find as I simply was not how their beloved son. So I simply learned over time to ignore their comments/doubts/negative attitude, etc. and just to accept "I am born to live my life and not to live how they want and to do what they want."  Now I am living abroad since almost 5 years and as longer I am here as better I feel. I don't like this country, but well, I know I will only stay here as long as necessary due to my studies and then simply move on to the next country, and as further away, as better it is for me. I do live the way that I only give respect to those that give the same; in regards to my parents; they never cared genuinly, particular at moments when it was absolutely necessary (not sure if they just never grasped it or if it was on purpose), well, they won't be able to think that I will care if they will ever need me when they are older as I would not continue to take their b/s again when I would be the carer for them. Thanks, but not thanks.
In the past years I only went home to continue my contact with my grandmother, as she died last year I don't see any reason at all to go home. I just learned over time, that there is only so much I can do. All my different ways never worked...so well, then it's at some point time to stop wasting my time and effort and just to accept it as it is, and take it easy

Therefore today I simply have the clear few, that I do know that I would not want any help from them if I would need help, but also wouldn't help in return. There are quite a few other people in my life I would care for if they would need help and I would know I can rely on them, so my focus is not to waste my time with my worries about my parentshouse. Don't get me wrong, I can still go home and we are on the phone sometimes, but it is only a shalllow relationship, nothing else.

Seeing your age I have to admit that in your age it still wasn't as clear for me as it got in the following years, but also simply other things happened after I was 23 and one of my qualifications helped me to understand my family dynamic much better and so over time my decision got final. So just follow your own words and think about YOURSELF, as you say, and don't worry too much about fragile relationships...as it simply takes at least two people to fix it, one person alone can't do it and over time I simply learned to accept that as it is and feel much better since I am out of that circle to wish for something which is not going to happen anyway.

Also try not to put your parents view/attitude over on the attitude from your partners parents....thankfully most people I know don't have the attitude my parents have... take it easy and enjoy

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 12:32:55 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		I concur with Mr. Merc on this...

I find it very interesting that my parents, family, colleagues, clients and friends have never asked my sexual preference, okay...some friends have but they had devious plans!  If I introduce a friend to any of them...that is what they know...they are my friend.  They don't find it a habit to ask what happens behind my closed doors...when/if they do I also ask first..."Do you really want to know?  Because I will be honest with the intent of educating or enlightenment...not for the shock/wank value." 

Respect for yourself and your loved ones is easily accomplished, if you don't complicate the issue.

K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid...is a motto I live by!)

Although, I am gathering all my paraphernalia in the house so my Parents don't "happen to run across it" while staying with me for 7 months.  So far I have 4 suitcases filled!  I'm also in the process of performing sacrifices to All the Gods for patience and strength during this challenging time.  I haven't lived with them since I was 16 and I'll admit to being a little anxious.  They know I'm kinky...but honestly...they have no desire to want to know to what extent I am, nor would I want them too!

Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and take the time to develop a friendship with his parents.  Hopefully, you'll find a way to work on the relationship with your own parents in the process.  You're still their daughter and deep down, they probably just want you to be happy and be all that you can be, like the majority of parents out there want for their children.




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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 1:28:11 PM   
aravain


Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline 		So many people seem to be so lucky...

My sexual preferences have always been open issues with my family, since I was 13. It's always been an issue with colleagues, etc. etc.

*shrug* you deal with it.

But onto your question.

The simplest answer is to make it not an issue. Be, quite simply, a very likable person that clearly has a great level of affection for their son. That will be the most important thing to them. All else is secondary (especially if they're very close).

That's how my ex-boyfriend got onto my family's good side. They liked him because he, quite obviously, liked ME and I enjoyed him. That's all it takes.

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 3:15:17 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I feel that I need to meet her and set up an, at best, friendly relationship with her


That, of course, is an age old dilemma, one that is not confined to D/s or BDSM. My Dad was such a devout Christian that he never recognized my first divorce, let alone the ones after that - not because of being Catholic, he was a Protestant.

While I think it would be a gallant effort to try to set up a relationship, I think you are most likely doomed to fail. If Ma doesn't approve, she isn't going to because you coo at her. And I wonder, since you never say, if your partner in crime has asked you to do this?

If he hasn't, then don't presume that you're doing something that will benefit you both. Do this only when he requests you, of his own volition. Anything else is manipulative behaviour, and will be met with more manipulative behaviour.

Then I wonder why "the panic is rising"? You're adult human beings, you make your own choices, and the first thing you need to display towards the elders is pride in who you are. Your parents, his parents, the problem with parents is that you can't choose them. You're not going to find love where you aren't wanted, and your partner is wrong to state his mother is open minded - she has already proven that she is not. You need to be strong together, and get your support out of your friends - people you can choose, and love back. I am saying this advisedly - I tried, futilely, to make peace with my folks for many years, and though I was able to re-establish contact, no two way traffic, nor love, was ever established. I helped my sister escaped from the abusive parent after I myself had left home at 16, and was, of course, never forgiven.

So if you try, don't do this because you feel it is necessary - it isn't, and you can be very happy without parents. This may even lead the parents, when they get older, to relent in their strict attitudes. But don't bow to tyrants, and learn to see tyrants for what they are - manipulative people who think "they know best".  Folks that distribute their morals should learn that doing so will lose them their children, and you must be the ones to teach them.

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 3:18:40 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

I just wish I had a loving relationship with my parents the way he seems to.


He does not, and may be simply wishful thinking. If he did, you'd have been invited already. He is just shielding himself or you or the both of you from the same pain he is experiencing. Help him understand, and be there for each other, and for your friends, and relatives who are more "enlightened".

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 4:14:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Antipode, I think you're projecting. She says she's seeing this young man. She doesn't say they've been together for any length of time. I certainly don't feel the need to meet every person my daughter dates casually. When/if it's serious then she'll bring him home. Just the way I did.

Home for him could be a 12 hour drive, certainly not something you would do for anybody you weren't extremely serious about,

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 4:21:54 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

I can understand the butterflies -- honestly, even if things are going great, that first meeting of the companion's parents is often challenging. There's that sense of them being authority figures, and most of us get kinda nervous when we're around authority figures.

As a parent with a young adult your age, and who is, like your mate's parents, very openminded, I would suggest that you treat her with respect when the opportunity comes along to meet her. Perhaps you could introduce yourself a bit in a (handwritten) letter first (I know my son's girlfriends did that for me, and it was such a pleasant touch--especially because I know that the kids in his generation don't really -like- letter-writing unless its on a computer). When you -do- visit, be pleasant, but also be quiet and observe. See how his family runs, and do your best to fit in. Help out where you can... don't ASK if you can help... just get up and start helping, because women my age, if you ask if we need any help, typically will say "Oh, no, hon.... you're a guest, go sit down..." but deep down inside, we really -do- want you to help and show you care about the family. Don't bring up your sexual or kink-sided relationship with her son. If he's already shared, she already knows. If she wants to know more, she'll ask. If you try to push her about it, and try to get her to give you her blessing early in the relationship, if she's anything like most of the women in my situation, she'll feel pressured and that will bring on some latent hostility. Just let her relax into things in her own time. If she's as open-minded as you think, and she sees you making her son happy, she'll be seven shades of happy, and a lot of things that she might not actively -approve- of will slip under the carpet, un-noticed.

I'm sorry about your family. I was raised by very judgmental, disapproving people. The one thing I really wanted was for them to be proud of me being -me-... but that wasn't in the cards. It's possible to still love your parents without being able to let them into the intimate corners of your life, and when you get older, you will have a little more luxury to make the decision about how close you want to be with them. I can honestly say that, if my mother were still alive, it is highly unlikely that we would be close. Though I was very frank with my mom, because I find it impossible to lie about things and she was brutal about intentionally asking just the wrong questions, my choices never endeared me to her. With my father, on the other hand, I've always been able to be forthright, and when he had to choose between losing me and accepting my flaky ways, he's always chosen acceptance... not just tolerance, but true acceptance (probably because he's the one who taught me that mere tolerance is a polite lie). Perhaps, as you get older, you'll find a way to integrate who you are into a life with your parents on your own terms, but until then, you have nothing to be guilty about as long as you are living authentically as the person you were meant to be.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/18/2008 4:25:13 PM >

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 7:03:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I would mostly advise you to just get to know her as a person and let the other stuff just be what it is.  That's not the whole of who you are and it's more important she knows you as a mature, fun, good influence on her son than anything. 

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 8:41:30 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		You have one significant bonus:  You are  dominant female. 

Our society tends to be far less concerned about kinky dominant women than about kinky dominant man.  Note, it accepts NON-Kinky dominant men very easily.   Frankly, your sub's parents will almost certainly not start off afraid of you.

My main advice is to be sure to avoid creating fear.  Emphasize the relationship, not the sex.   Talk about vanilla activities that you do with your sub - movies, dinner, exercise.   This will reassure them that their is more to your relationship than just sex.  (Note, if your relationship is just sex, I suggest you do not meet the parents.)


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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 9:27:51 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I would mostly advise you to just get to know her as a person and let the other stuff just be what it is.  That's not the whole of who you are and it's more important she knows you as a mature, fun, good influence on her son than anything. 


+1. If you (OP)  trusted him when he said that his parents were open-minded and would be OK with it, now's when the rubber meets the road. You say that you do things that his mother won't agree with. Do you know that she disapproves, or are you projecting your guilt over societal disapproval on to her?

Either believe him when he says it's OK, and meet the folks the same way you would have if they thought you were just plain ol' girlfriend, or give some serious thought as to why you gave your blessing to his message when in truth the repercussions were going to cause you "panic".

FWIW disclaimer- I have a fairly superficial/structured relationship with my parents, and was more or less aghast at some of the things that my wife discussed with her mother, so I know where you're at. Just, since you're a Domme and I'm a sub, I don't have to have any pity


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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 10:45:28 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		I am very close with my family.  I feel no need or desire to splain my sexual habits to them.   I doubt it would matter as they accept me no matter what and any girl I've brought around.  It would be in your best interest to go out of your way to be nice to mom.

BadOne

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/18/2008 10:46:16 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
What do you do with parents?


Given my strict Roman Catholic upbringing, parents don't belong in the bedroom of either children (real or in-law). Never ever.

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RE: What to do about parents - 11/19/2008 5:57:51 AM   
darklidreaming


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline 		My parent's aren't understanding either.

< Message edited by darklidreaming -- 11/19/2008 5:58:20 AM >

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