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Natural development - 11/18/2008 11:36:02 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This is a thought that's been crossing My mind from a few threads that I wanted to share and get some input from others.  In other words, I know how things best work for Me and I'm interested in how things work best for you in D/s.

As many of you know, I play casually.  I realize that many of you don't, but hear Me out.  I see casual play as a good way to get the Top/bottom needs filled (on some level) while exploring if the kinks match and how well two people fit for the intensity of play.  While I don't include sex in My casual play, I think that's the best analogy that might fit for some.  Most people these days are not going to decide to marry someone in the vanilla world if they aren't compatible sexually.  The only way to know that is by doing the deed.  I think it's the same for us kinksters when it comes to play.  We want to know on some level, if there's a good match there.  For Me, at least, if the potential for other things are there, it will develop naturally.

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of comments about instant D/s, intimacy, love, and a lot of other things that, to Me, take time to build.  In My opinion, none of these all come forth from a single scene.  There's a process involved.  Thinking of playing with someone for the first time (the first time period or the first time with that particular person) isn't an automatic guarantee that these things will exist.   Intimacy, for example, will grow as two people bond.  Romantic love is certainly a thing that for most isn't instantaneous.  Again, it takes time.  The destination isn't nearly as important as the things that occur while getting there.

A good example of this is how things worked between clip and I.  When we met, we became casual play partners.  We moved to the next stage of implementing D/s.  From there, an emotional attachment sprung up.  As we moved to collaring, there was obvious ownership of his submission.  Sexual service was actually last on the list.  Each phase, I allowed to happen naturally.  I neither commanded nor demanded it.  I allowed each to happen when the time was right, and from My perspective, I think it made each stage more meaningful.

So, now I'd like to hear from all of you.  I want to hear your stories of how you allowed things to happen naturally.  I'm interested in your personal experiences of waiting until the time was right.  How the seeds were planted and you watched them grow.  Pick an area; sex, love, intimacy, D/s, or anything else you'd chose to share.  I thank any and all in advance for their participation and contributions.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 11:40:38 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think sometimes you do click instantly and sometimes it might just take a bit longer, and that goes for vanilla and BDSM, friendship or romantic involvement.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 11:47:24 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		My boy Westie and I just 'clicked' the first time we met.  But we had been talking a great deal in C-Mail and IM's before that meeting and had already established a great deal of common likes.  He was very new to actual BDSM play, but had read and seen quite a lot of porn and knew his way around an Adult bookstore, so he wasn't totally green.  He knew what he was interested in and we sat down and discussed that.  Our first session was pretty much "Let's try a little bit of a whole lot of things and see what we agree on."  So far, we haven't found anything that one of us likes that the other does not.  We have been amazingly lucky in our compatability. 

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 11:56:38 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Oh, I would never discount luck.  As many of the regulars here know, I find Myself to be a very fortunate individual. 

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MsStarlett)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 12:42:28 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am still thinking about this one.  I am all for allowing relationships to develop organically, I am just not certain that I have ever done it myself.  

I was a casual player, but I have given it up of late, since it just serves to remind me of what I don't have.  I really don't think that any of my relationships came about from a beginning of casual play, there was always a getting to know you period of talking and veiled negotiation.  Truly, I often just know if I want someone, and then I go after him.  Granted,  there haven't been that many people that I wanted, and they haven't always wanted me, but when it does work, we are starting out with a goal of ownership in mind.  It just doesn't work the same as meeting someone at the club every once in awhile.

More thoughts later.  If I have any!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 12:57:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Please do.  I would love to hear them.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 2:03:48 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I am a casual player in that at a given time I might have multiple non-exclusive relationships.

For clarity, when I say casual I don't mean play is for the sake of play or sensation. I am very chemistry driven. When I first meet someone, my interest to play depends on initial attraction felt. Whether that interest to play continues depends on how the chemistry develops. I have had cases where I felt strong attraction for a woman. However, the chemistry did not develop and the interest in a BDSM or sexual sense waned. I still see them to be attractive women and am on friendly terms with them.

For me, casual play means that I do have an interest in the person but do not, at the moment or in the long-term, see this person to be compatible to be an exclusive partner. That is, I don't think it is a dichotomy between companion and strong love, and the opposite. I see value in having play or a smaller relationship with someone in the grey area between the two extremes as long as adequate attraction, compatibility and mutual interest is there.

The point about the shades of grey also applies to fondness, intimacy, or love. While I might not feel componionate or passionate love, I do feel a fondness towards those with whom I play.

I have had relationships where there has never been sexual activity. I have had relationships where sexual activity occurred the first time we played. It depends on how things evolve in each case.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 2:47:24 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
Thank you for sharing you story, it contains great insight. As I get older and my relationships evolve, it's harder for me to sort a lot of this out, to be honest.

The biggest struggle I have now is that a great percentage of the "pleasure" I received in domination came from the process of seduction or perceived seduction.  Both willing and "unwilling" (I use that tongue-in-cheek, not literally) partners.  When a woman is single and flirtacious, there's a ripe garden of men to choose from; the process for me was simple and effective, whether I was at a dance club (industrial/goth clubs were a great place for me to find "prey") or at a party (vanilla) or in extended-work situations where I had a pool of options that were not directly in my line of work.  Like bellmen at nice hotels, for a fancy fling, whatever.

The "random hook up" -casual but often leading to additional encounters and sometimes even boyfriend/girlfriend situations or regular booty calls - was a simple way to enjoy the pursuit, experiment with different men and reactions, and keep things on a level that was quite easy to explain. "No, I don't have casual sex, but I do enjoy casual S&m, want to learn about that?" or less physical relationships that led to playful dates and intense play later. Possibility for love, romance? Sure.    It ran the gamut, really.  But the common theme was that chemistry ruled all - attraction, good connections, free flowing conversation, physical lust - that was the groundwork and how it progressed just depended on that.

Married and casual - well, that's a different animal.  I have a ring on my finger. I am devoted to one man, I am not looking for sexual intercourse or oral sex. There is no predatory avenue, really, because any hot blooded man, especially in my age group, will think I am wanting to have an affair.  Gone are the days of seducing bellmen, to be sure.  I move from the category of seductress to "cougar" (groan)  in short order; things have got to change, so I adapt.

It means that now I must seek among BDSM folks and kinky circles and establish my parameters up front. That's fine. But what's hard is that I can't establish chemistry first, play second, in a way that falls organically and naturally. For one, no sub or bottom is patient enough to let me peel that onion. It's a constant push back.  So I gave that up - and instead, focus on the potential of chemistry, and trying to guide them as I go.  This is a far cry from seeing a man, interacting with a man I found kind of fun, flirty, interesting and then exploring the potential of S&M once some lust or affection was brewing.  It's not predatory, that's for sure.  It's just different.

I'm too old now to prowl in clubs for pretty goth boys.  It's not that I can't do it - I look in the mirror, I know I'd be effective. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it's based on deception. I can't be anyone's girlfriend, casual fuck or anything else; I can do casual BDSM under specific parameters and that's all I want.

As appealing as *seduction* is to me, I gave that up on my wedding day.  That doesn't mean I can't do S&M though. 

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 2:57:19 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Keeping minions is far more satisfactory and less aggravation anyway. 

Edited:  well, that sounds ubercranky!!  What I meant was, non-romantic relationships are a good and useful thing, and far easier to find and maintain.  There are some great men (and women) who are not what I want in a life partner, but are perfect as a minon. 

< Message edited by LadyHibiscus -- 11/18/2008 3:05:51 PM >

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 2:59:21 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


I'm too old now to prowl in clubs for pretty goth boys.  It's not that I can't do it - I look in the mirror, I know I'd be effective. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it's based on deception. I can't be anyone's girlfriend, casual fuck or anything else; I can do casual BDSM under specific parameters and that's all I want.

As appealing as *seduction* is to me, I gave that up on my wedding day.  That doesn't mean I can't do S&M though. 

Akasha



I'm not married, but it's pretty much how I operate too


_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 3:06:21 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Keeping minions is far more satisfactory and less aggravation anyway. 


How so?
I still miss seduction.  I have always had a soft spot for that kind of thing, it's very exciting. Not all the time, mind you, but when I am in that "mood."  The predatory - lust - hunger - craving for seduction is a femdom-ish angst/desire I get every few weeks, less if I am getting lots of regular S&M in my "diet" - but it can be satisfied quite easily through a good session with my man. However, it's still a unique craving that goes unmet now. I don't pine for it to the point of being miserable, but I can't deny that it was super exciting.  I guess everyone mourns the loss of something from their youth, though, right?

I find myself thinking about it more lately only as I imagine it's a part of a femdom-midlife-crisis, turning 40 this year (groan). I see why when I was in my 20s I laughed at guys in their 40s getting sportscars and earrings to feel young again. I just want to go get poolboys and 20something for a harem. Nice thought, but won't happen  :)  Probably..

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 3:27:01 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I just want botox and eternal youth, maybe a boob job too (reduction for me please) and have I mentioned botox? Oh can somebody possibly invent a way how I can get it without the doc sticking needles into me? If pointy things are involved, I want to be on the blunt end of them...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 3:33:00 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Having needles stuck in your face is actually no big deal, Lady C, though no botox was involved for me.  The idea of having muscles in my face *paralyzed* creeps me out mega.   

I deleted this ubercranky post about midlife crises, and now I will say that it is startling to be middle aged.  All those lovely Nanette Lepore things that I can never wear!  That's okay, experience has its value.

Akasha, you have always seemed to be a person who enjoys the hunt even more than the "kill", if  you will accept that analogy.  It's not as much fun to catch and release, is it?  I know that it wouldn't be for me, but I am very predatory and possessive.  I don't remember *ever* being seductive in my natural life, though.  Too late to learn, I am sure, and not worth the bother! 

I know, all these thoughts and still nothing cogent to add.  I am just trying to hit 5K posts by midnight.

_____________________________

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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 3:45:25 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I can take acupuncture but somebody said botox is much much worse... I still want to try it, I get there eventually, one day...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 4:16:17 PM   
StrictnSaucy


Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline 		Our relationship grew very organically. We met at a munch and stayed in contact via email and phone just as friends. We then met at another munch enjoyed each others company so much that we spent the day after hanging out together. Three months later we played. While we definetly had strong chemistry I was not identifying as Domme at this point so our play was very exploritive. We spent a glorious summer meeting at weekends, enjoying our new found D/s dynamic, while still being very casual. During this time we both engaged with other people but the dynamic was never the same. The relationship took a shift sometime after christmas where we became a solid D/s couple. That was four years ago. We moved in together a year later. We are now still happily together, co owners of 2 businesses we grew together and parents to a wonderful child.

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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 5:01:16 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Having needles stuck in your face is actually no big deal, Lady C, though no botox was involved for me.  The idea of having muscles in my face *paralyzed* creeps me out mega.   

I deleted this ubercranky post about midlife crises, and now I will say that it is startling to be middle aged.  All those lovely Nanette Lepore things that I can never wear!  That's okay, experience has its value.

Akasha, you have always seemed to be a person who enjoys the hunt even more than the "kill", if  you will accept that analogy.  It's not as much fun to catch and release, is it?  I know that it wouldn't be for me, but I am very predatory and possessive.  I don't remember *ever* being seductive in my natural life, though.  Too late to learn, I am sure, and not worth the bother! 

I know, all these thoughts and still nothing cogent to add.  I am just trying to hit 5K posts by midnight.


Sometimes I even struggle with the word "seduction," because that still has a connotation that it's not ethical or is totally self serving.  What it really comes down to is this - I feel like the best BDSM moments come when they are built up from organic attraction.  For me, that can be because I am fond of someone (that takes time - real time - to develop) or I have lust for someone (that can be fairly quick, if there's good physical chemistry out of the gate). It gets even better if I have to be patient. That doesn't mean I have to take them against their will, it just means there's a process involved - maybe it's just a natural process of getting to know someone to find a comfort level.  At other times, "back in the day," maybe it was just a matter of getting him interested and curious enough about me to open up and allow me to have my way.   This is far differently than the hordes of sub men or bottoms who are available and looking for anyone to dominate them; hell, I *may* have chemistry with a great many of them, but I have to at least find out before they drive me nuts with any level of pushiness.  A lot of the time, I just need a little breathing room.

I prefer to be the pursuer.  I always have.  And topping someone for the first time is so much more exciting for me if I had to exercise patience or calculation to get there, combined with good old fashioned girl-crushes, affection or simple lust.  All of that is entirely a thing of the past, sadly, because I am married and have prey at home; however, it doesn't mean sometimes I don't miss the chase.  We do find ways to manufacture that, though. It's not the same but it's pretty damn good.  Does the good outweigh the bad in the big picture? oh god yes!  I still miss some of it though :)

Akasha


_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 5:29:07 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		When I think of casual play, I think of the people who enjoy (flogging, wax, rope bondage, mummification..insert play here) and will play with almost anyone in the dungeon, even if they will never see them again. 
I have played with two people that are My friends and I've never been in a committed or "considering" dynamic with either of them, so I suppose it depends on the definition of "casual"

If I say that I am not a "casual" player, I mean that I have to have some communication with the person prior to meeting them.  It does not mean that I am in love with them or in a committed dynamic the first time we play.
I am not primarily looking for a partner, I am primarily looking for a slave and if down the road, he became lover or partner, then it would be just a natural development of the existing dynamic.

Lady Jag


_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

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RE: Natural development - 11/18/2008 9:14:58 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		the relationship that my M'Ladyand i have happend slowly. i didnt want to be over eager(hyperactive adhd). everything seemed to happen naturaly seemingly as it was ment to. im not saying there wasnt any bumps in the journey but its not the destination that is the most importaint part but the journey that makes it worth the effort.

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RE: Natural development - 11/19/2008 7:21:48 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Allowed things to happen naturally?

Why then would they happen in a Ds fashion?

I think Ds requires foundational work to be set up and to be maintained. If you are well-matched, it make all feel natural and you may discover you don't need as many rule and rituals post training, but if you don't have a firm foundation I think the storms of life may wipe it out or change it into a vanilla dynamic with part-time play.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Profile   Post #: 19
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