RE: 1 more question (Full Version)

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MaamJay -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 2:20:06 AM)

I agree ... find out what makes a sub tick and it gives You more control. I would suggest the sub who made that statement has perhaps only talked to wannabe Doms who think they can do this successfully without any knowledge beyond that contained in their dick! Fortunately the OP sounds much more innately sensible than that and I congratulate Him for asking questions and trying to learn more.

That said, I wouldn't necessarily make it the FIRST thing I talk about with a sub. A bit of vanilla chat first, and finding out if they meet My "vanilla" and simple relationship criteria (eg nonsmoker, prepared to serve a Mistress who is also sub to a Master etc) gets the ball rolling. Then I move on to their bdsm and sexual likes and dislikes. I really prefer to do this face to face if I can, or if it has been discussed online, I repeat it face to face when W/we meet! Love to watch them get embarrassed and squirm and blush!

Maam Jay aka violetA]



NorthernGent -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 2:27:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

In response to a question I asked in an email a sub told me that she's never met a dom who asked her to tell him what she liked. I'm learning about the life so I find myself wondering-shouldn't a sub ask for what she wants physically?



It makes sense to have all the relevant information at your disposal, in order to manage the situation; this includes her views. As with everything, this has its limitations: bear in mind that her stated likes and dislikes are built on limited understanding and experience.



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 4:40:11 AM)

I'm one of those Doms that wants to know these things about my partner.  I encourage it and I like to ask questions getting to know what they want, need and desire.  How the hell am I to be in charge of the unknown after all?  

I want to know, and feel I need to know these things to make the D/s relationship actually work out right.  




DesFIP -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:18:53 AM)

We used one of those checklists so he could tell what I was interested in and what didn't hold any appeal. I couldn't tell him what I did or didn't like as I hadn't any experience until then. However fantasies and visceral reactions are a damn good guide.

But how can you tell if you are in the least compatible if you don't talk about things first? Expecting the other person to read your mind always brings about a bad result. It's no different me saying I was interested in bondage and not pain play than saying I eat meat and am not compatible with a vegan. If I hadn't asked anything and instead got into a relationship with a man I knew nothing about, who turned out to be a vegan sadist practicing months long orgasm denial then the relationship would have ended badly with me saying he was selfish and didn't ever let me have what I needed. And that would be my own fault for not finding out ahead of time.

If he feels like letting me have what I want he's been known to ask me what I'm in the mood for. If he has stuff planned in his head then he doesn't ask me. But we're not into denial so asking me in detail when I'm tied up and then saying "no, you can't have it" isn't something we do. But of course I can ask him if he would do X to me, the same way as when we're passing the miniature golf place I can ask if he would like to stop and play a game.

Compatibility is good, mind reading is bad.



greeneyedreamer -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:26:08 AM)

Having been in both situations, some doms do just do what they want with no regard to your preferences and likes, those don't stay around long...

The other type want to know everything and those are the ones who you never want to see go away. Keep asking!

Dreamer



wandersalone -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:28:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

quote:

shouldn't a sub ask for what she wants physically?
quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

... I find myself wondering-shouldn't a sub ask for what she wants physically?


You missed out the first part of your opening post when you quoted it again in reply to Cali's comment.... in it's entirety you asked
quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

In response to a question I asked in an email a sub told me that she's never met a dom who asked her to tell him what she liked. I'm learning about the life so I find myself wondering-shouldn't a sub ask for what she wants physically?


This is a bit confusing ...I read it to mean that the sub had never met a dominant who asked about her interests, turn-ons etc .... but it seems as if you actually mean d types  do not want to hear her initiating discussions about these things. 

Either way this has not been my experience (thankfully) and I would be interested in how much contact she has had with dominants.




sobayblackmaster -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:44:50 AM)

I'll confess:the reason I asked is because for me it's a turn on to have the sub ask me to tie her to my bed and "violate" her. There's nothing like having her tell me her body craves the things I do to her. That's part of the mental connection, I've instilled a craving in her and her desire for more exploration cannot be kept inside. She needs to give her body to me because she anticipates the pleasure she'll receive.



HalloweenWhite -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:49:34 AM)

Yes, a sub. should-it's part of the process of knowing her/his limits,likes/dislikes,health concerns, etc.



DarkProposal -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 5:50:39 AM)

*applauds*

As you can see, the good people here at Collarme agree with you.  A good Dominant likes to know about their subs' wants, needs, dreams, and all the other little details that makes them special and unique.  Kudos to you.

. 



SadysticJester -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 6:46:41 AM)

whether D/s  or M/s   the sub/slave at first has the right to want what they think will be beneficial to them..its part of the negotiation between the parties..just because you say your a slave,doesnt mean your the type of slave for any  one person..everyone has a need/want that needs to be fulfilled....dont misconstrue this as condoning slaves to say what they want to get what they want....there is always room for negotiation no matter the role.



DesFIP -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 6:54:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster
I'll confess:the reason I asked is because for me it's a turn on to have the sub ask me to tie her to my bed and "violate" her. There's nothing like having her tell me her body craves the things I do to her. That's part of the mental connection, I've instilled a craving in her and her desire for more exploration cannot be kept inside. She needs to give her body to me because she anticipates the pleasure she'll receive.


Two points:
First, you need to tell her this so she'll know what you like. No mind reading, remember?
Second, it's not uncommon for inexperienced subs or those coming out of very strict relationships to be unable to ask. The way around that is for you to physically dominate her (hold her hands behind her back, pin her against the wall etc) and then ask her if she wants this. Growling out "you want me to tie you up and use you till you're sore, don't you girl?" will get you a "Yes, please" plus it will teach her the words/sentence to say for next time.



MrHarsh -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 2:20:00 PM)

I've found that some subs (not all) feel very uncomfortable talking about themselves and their desires.  They want to be led.  When you ask her "What do you like?" She answers "Whatever you want?"

Yet we all know that they really have desires and fantasies.  For some reason they do not want to admit they have them.  Insert your own pop-psychology here as a reason.

I've found that the trick here is to be more specific with the questions.  Instead of asking "What do you like?", you might have to ask "Do you like XXX?" or "Have you ever done XXX?" and then watch her reaction.  Or possibly say "I want to do XXX to you." and watch her reaction.  Start by asking about your own favorites, and then start picking things that you've just heard about.

I think you will find that everything falls into 3 categories: (a) she REALLY wants to do it, (b) she will do it to please you, and that will be enough for her, and (c) she won't do it. 

As the D, it's your job to make the list and go over it with her. (Being a D is hard work sometimes).



NorthernGent -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 2:29:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrHarsh

Being a D is hard work sometimes.



Not when you have someone who makes your life easy. Whether or not being armed with information makes your life easy, is a matter of personal taste.



sobayblackmaster -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 4:22:32 PM)

thank you dark. funny when one finds himself pondering such matters it's often awkward to verbalize feelings but I believe that feelings are at the heart of d/s. the best feelings are of pleasure of course but I see the dynamic as being like shifting gears in a car, one gear up at a time. desire is the motor for me (hence my asking her about hers-btw she's now confessed to being a tease that brags of "liking pain" lol) and my reaction to her expressed desire excites and motivates me to shift up to the next gear. I totally appreciate the support and constructive feedback



pixidustpet -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 4:49:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

if I ask you what you like and you respond that's one thing, if you come to me and ask me to give you what you need that's another


i'm allowed.  i'm encouraged to tell TheEngineer what i would like.  but we also have the issue going on that sometimes i physically *need* pain, and if i am not able to get it by him using me in certain ways, then i *will* have accidents till that need is met.

in the past, i have deliberately cut myself to get that pain, or done other things to get that pain, and get the endorphin release and easement of the mental/emotional need.  i am not allowed to do that any longer.  i *am* required to tell him when things are bad enough for me that i need him to hurt me so that i can get that release.

kitten, whose experience isnt necessarily anyone else's



DesFIP -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 6:10:18 PM)

Like pixie, not only am I allowed, I have to. Only in my case it's telling him when I can't handle stuff because I suffer from panic attacks. In order for me to hold it together, he needs as much info as possible.



oceanwynds -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 6:23:39 PM)

Sir asked me what I enjoyed and desired in the beginning, but I didn't really know how to respond. He quickly realized that i was clueless to a lot of BDSM play. There were a couple things that I have been interested and my late hubby tried on me, but that was the extent of my play. What he had me do in the beginning was write a couple erotica stories featuring what I enjoyed. He also had me watch several BDSM porn movies, to get my reaction to them.



DavanKael -> RE: 1 more question (11/19/2008 6:37:32 PM)

I can only make the assertion for myself: Of course I should, and I do and I will.  Being submissive to someone doesn't miraculously turn me into an automaton nor would I find that appealing in someone submitting to me.  Submissive does not equal lacking in opinions or desires. 
  Davan



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: 1 more question (11/20/2008 7:28:14 AM)

One of the telling factors for us accepting a servant is the knowledge that the person knows what xhe wants and can express it. We've had very bad luck taking on people who either dismissed/discounted what they wanted to get a relationship or who were wishy-washy about what they wanted, so now we ask.

That being said, I've been told that us asking "What do you want out of this relationship?" is one of the scariest questions we can ask.



Lockit -> RE: 1 more question (11/20/2008 9:40:34 AM)

I can see where it would be a very scary thing to be asked early on what one might be wanting out of a relationship with a certain person, because that would be a pretty vulnerable place where they have to be real about their wants and not sure how you feel.  It seems people often hate being first to expose their feelings. lol

I might get an in-general what do you want in the future but not actually include me in that equation.  I will after I think someone is a potentiual ask about sexual things or experiences in relationships and at some point things just flow and open up.

From what I've seen, people want to leave themselves an out early on.  If you are asking them what they want from you... that could bring out every insecurity and fear because it is personal and they are not too sure they can trust you or themselves that far.  I think some of them because they are afraid there is some commitment  you expect or something and a number of them project a lot in the beginning.  This is just what I have noticed, I am sure it isn't that way with everyone. 

I can even feel that I might not know exactly where I want to go with someone, but can readily get into the sexual aspects at least in talk and getting to know them because even that can be less emotional and done in an in general way.  Talking feelings can be tough at first. lol 



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