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Peeling the layers away from me - 11/20/2008 8:20:40 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		The peeling away the layers of who I am has been an ongoing process for the majority of my life. It was though in these past couple years that I begin to peel back the layers, which  surrounded the area of my own submissive nature. When I first mentioned that I was going to explore this side of myself, the few close friends that I felt comfortable to tell were shocked. The usual reply was there isn't a submissive bone in you. Yet something within me nagged and tugged at me to explore it. I wasn't sure if there was a submissive person within me or not, except there were fleeting memories of a time long gone. At 55 I didn't know if I could discover her and if I did how would I react. With Sir's help, I began my exploration and surprisely there she was covered with old scars and denied her own course to ride on the ocean waves. She was abandoned.

It has taken Sir two and a half years to help me to let her out again, without me feeling distained by her. It took me time to discover the strength that my own submissive nature held for me. Each level consisted of a new section within me being peeled back and examined. The reasons behind me hiding my own submissive nature came forth, and Sir helped me through them.  Seems as with time, I am going deeper and deeper into my own need to submit. At first, it didn't make sense to me rationally, nor could I see how it fit in my life. Then it occured to me that my own submissive nature has filter through many areas of my life, even when I tried to dismiss her earlier in my life. She is now starting to blend with me, and I feel the interlacing of my submissive nature becoming the all of me.

The peeling of layers from me has lead to a healthy way of being. Though with regrets, this part of me did not come out in fullness while married, I am here now. Though by looking back, I have seen that my late husband was very much in control at all times, but my insecurities just rejected that thought. Now I do not fight within myself to 'think' I am in control. I can now admit being in control is not of interest to me.

I do know from my research about submissiveness that it is a hard journey and does require a lot of searching within oneself. I do not think that I am anyone special. I just needed to share this with someone, and I really didn't know where to share it but here.

Perhaps others might want to share a little about their journeys? It is so hard and yet so rewarding to discover who I have always been, plus accepting it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Blessings
oceanwynds
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/20/2008 9:48:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Being true to yourself is always the hardest thing- even funner by the fact that we're constantly growing into NEW layers (layers aren't always negative/bad/insecure).

Best way to know some of my journey is to read my livejournal.  How do you encompass 28 years in this particular lifetime?  I've been told I think I know it all when I know nothing, and I've been told that I'm lightyears ahead of almost everyone (both are probably true).

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/20/2008 10:30:40 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

I do know from my research about submissiveness that it is a hard journey and does require a lot of searching within oneself. I do not think that I am anyone special.


Well, you might not think you are anyone special but you are someone special.  Every person is special.  At least, that's the way i feel about it.  i am very happy that you are discovering so much about yourself.
 
For me, Life is a journey of self-discovery.  Everything that i do is a learning experience and, so long as i pay attention, i discover something new about myself.  But, as far as submissiveness being a hard journey, maybe it is for some people but, not for me. Being submissive is the easiest and most natural thing for me.  It's the only way i know how to be.
 
What has been hard for me has been trying to live a naturally submissive life in a "modern" post-feminist world, where women's liberation and equal rights for women were supposed to be celebrated by all and "male chauvinist pigs" were supposed to be hated and looked upon as misogynists.  Trying to fit in with other women who did nothing but badmouth their boyfriends or husbands for "demanding" that they do x, y or z, when all i wanted was to belong to a strong man who would tell me to do X, Y and Z and X some more and do it now and do it His way, that's what's been hard for me.  Trying to find a man who wanted to Own me and make me His slave, that's what was hard for me (until finding out about CM and TSR a few years back). 
 
Life, as a submissive woman in the "modern era", has been very challenging, for me.  But, being submissive is easy.  If someone would have come along and claimed me as their slave 30 years ago, that would have made my life so much easier.  But, better late than never.  And, it just keeps getting better.
 
joy
Master David's erotic-domestic slave

_____________________________

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Dr. Howard Thurman

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 12:10:38 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		kudos to you on revealing your true self, it can be a difficult journey. our society creates thees layers that we use to protect ourselves with and in the end we hide our true selves from ourself. i have been trying to be just me and let the world see me in my true form. it isn't easy and not well accepted. i have always been helpful to others it is my nature to do so. finding a way to display my true self has led me to being a submissive. i have been  collared for over a year now and i have never been happier. enjoy your journey in this life.

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 3:22:06 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Oceanwynds that was so beautifully worded and made me tingle all over when reading it. I can relate very much to all that you said.

I think it is a Buddhist philosophy that talks about a closed black window of the soul. Behind this window are our deepest, darkest secrets and fantasies. Most people go to the grave with that window still tightly closed but if you can manage to open it and the more you open it, the more you will set yourself free.

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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 6:33:18 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I think it is a Buddhist philosophy that talks about a closed black window of the soul. Behind this window are our deepest, darkest secrets and fantasies. Most people go to the grave with that window still tightly closed but if you can manage to open it and the more you open it, the more you will set yourself free.

 
That's beautiful, and much food for thought, thank you for sharing.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 6:39:09 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I always think of myself and my emotions like layers of an onion. there are many to peel.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 7:11:48 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you, Lucky Albatross
My um is 28 years old. She is brillant and absolutely wonderful human being, who has a lot of knowledge already.

I will check out your on-line journal.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 7:16:57 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

What has been hard for me has been trying to live a naturally submissive life in a "modern" post-feminist world, where women's liberation and equal rights for women were supposed to be celebrated by all and "male chauvinist pigs" were supposed to be hated and looked upon as misogynists.  Trying to fit in with other women who did nothing but badmouth their boyfriends or husbands for "demanding" that they do x, y or z, when all i wanted was to belong to a strong man who would tell me to do X, Y and Z and X some more and do it now and do it His way, that's what's been hard for me.  Trying to find a man who wanted to Own me and make me His slave, that's what was hard for me (until finding out about CM and TSR a few years back).  

 
Thank you slavegirljoy
Oh yes, I was very big into the feminist movement way back when, that too was one of the layers that needed to be pulled back and look at. I still am pro feminist as well as being pro submissive. The right to choose is important, but it is a shame we are consider dinosaurs.
 
Blessings,
oceanwynds

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 7:18:20 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Oceanwynds that was so beautifully worded and made me tingle all over when reading it. I can relate very much to all that you said.

I think it is a Buddhist philosophy that talks about a closed black window of the soul. Behind this window are our deepest, darkest secrets and fantasies. Most people go to the grave with that window still tightly closed but if you can manage to open it and the more you open it, the more you will set yourself free.


Thank you allthatjaz

Yes, it is in the Buddhist philosophy.

oceanwynds

(in reply to allthatjaz)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 7:19:30 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I always think of myself and my emotions like layers of an onion. there are many to peel.


Alwayd did like that comparison, lusciouslips. Thank you for responding.

blessings,
oceanwynds

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/21/2008 5:45:42 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		This process has just really begun with me lately over the course of the last few months.  I made some small steps on my own prior, but I could more or less just wrap myself in the warm comfort of societal conventions even in the midst of so many fundamental changes and deviations from the "normal" way of things.  There were still some things I could cling to out of a belief that there was territory that was not to be ventured into because there was so much inherent evil and harm to be found there.

Now I am having those things challenged.  I am being confronted with the not so awful truth of what may lie deeper within.  I have to face myself and who I am and what I will become.  I must admit to desires that frighten me and discover what their purpose is in existing.  I have to throw off the old and familiar blanket that hides my bare soul and feel the air of a free and honest spirit against my skin for the very first time.

lovingpet

(in reply to oceanwynds)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/22/2008 2:38:03 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I see a bit of myself in you, oceanwynds.  When I told a few people the general consensus was, verbatim, "You don't have a submissive bone in your body!"  Typically followed up with, "You're just being foolish." 

But am I? 

I don't think I am.  Certainly, I am strong and assertive, but I am also eager to please and desire to have someone guide me through life.  While I know I can protect myself, is it wrong for me to want to feel protected by someone else?  Again, I don't think so. 

It didn't take me long to figure out who I was and what I liked, but it did take me awhile to seek it out. 

Congrats to you on your new self knowledge! 

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/22/2008 3:34:34 PM   
MistyKaye


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I don't think I am.  Certainly, I am strong and assertive, but I am also eager to please and desire to have someone guide me through life.  While I know I can protect myself, is it wrong for me to want to feel protected by someone else?  Again, I don't think so. 

Thank you for this........a start to the peeling of many layers.  It was what I needed to hear

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/22/2008 5:25:11 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your replies and input. I am proud of myself for going on this journey and peeling away the layers. It isn't easy, but I feel be worst to deny this part of me. Many of times, I still feel so awkward inside, and do get nervous, but I leanred to walk through these fears. Wonder though do we get past the awkwardness within?

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to MistyKaye)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/22/2008 5:37:12 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Wonder though do we get past the awkwardness within?



Only you can answer that for yourself.  I think it is both.  There will always be something deeper to reach for and to understand, so we remain precariously perched on the edge of a new discovery.  At the same time, the things that made us feel so off center begin settling.  Our peace deepens as we finally surrender to ourselves.

lovingpet

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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/23/2008 5:37:40 AM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Wonder though do we get past the awkwardness within?



Only you can answer that for yourself.  I think it is both.  There will always be something deeper to reach for and to understand, so we remain precariously perched on the edge of a new discovery.  At the same time, the things that made us feel so off center begin settling.  Our peace deepens as we finally surrender to ourselves.

lovingpet


Very nicely said, Lovingpet and thank you.
oceanwynds

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/23/2008 12:17:24 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Enjoy your journey darling.... It's been a long time coming and you deserve it!

lovingpet

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/24/2008 10:05:07 PM   
Aszhrae


Posts: 1030
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline 		Girl has perhaps wasted countless hours sitting in front of the computer playing within the social MMORPG servers, never realizing who girl really was. There have been many hints along the way suggesting to me that this was my life. Not the games or even the cybering. Only recently has girl realized it was really getting me no where but into a hole, and there are others there that wished my company. Girl was beginning to become just like the rest of them, empty inside. Girl did however meet a lot of good people,  people that although they were players, had stories to tell. The world different than what girl was accustomed too, started to reveal itself slowly. Only wish, my eyes had been open sooner, but perhaps it had been, girl was just too blind to see what was real and what was just the illusion.
Within the last few month, girl has met some really interesting individuals, not here, so much, but before girl came here. Met someone that lives the life of Kajira, even met her master, honestly, girl doesn't like him very much. Do not think girl ever could, that lifestyle is just so unappealing but the positions are fun.
Then of course there is this one person, not going to give out her name, but she is a girl to a mistress. One evening we were talking and she decides to give me her messenger and we chatted. Over the weeks that followed, girl came to know her and she of me. She was the one that told me to come here, the lifestyle, though outside of this community is very much like the sub/slaves already here. That it might be the best advice she could ever offer me. Someone is watching out for, certainly someone that likes to see girl struggle and grow. Girl most certainly has, survived lots, some were controlled situations, others, well girl has ended up in the hospital a few times. It did however make girl more than what she was years ago.
Without getting to far off track, the girl that was mentioned, well her and me, have become very good friends. Girl only wishes that she was available as mistress, as she certainly knows how to pull my strings.
Then of course another pair of girls, met some time later, after a brief conversation with the both of them, they both told me the exact same thing. Stop hiding, be who you are, do not worry about what others think, if this is your life choice, then you should be what you are on the inside. Girl thought about this for a while, thought about it and finally came to the decision that perhaps these sub/slaves and even a few dominants were correct. Girl should stop being what she is not and be what comes natural.
Following direction comes natural. Submitting to another's will is natural. If putting your self in harm's way is natural, then girl should be with someone that appreciates that. Does it give me pleasure to do so? Hell yes, and girl would do it again. Why should girl be ashamed of this? This is natural. Natural for me anyways. It makes girl happy to be what comes natural.
Certainly now, since girl has a chance to prove just how natural girl can be.

Girl has since contacted all those that have helped me up until this point. There are those here also, that have helped to peel away some of the covering layers. Wonder just how many layers this onion that is me can be peeled away.

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Peeling the layers away from me - 11/25/2008 3:56:38 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I always think of myself and my emotions like layers of an onion. there are many to peel.


i used the onion idea with a Dom once.  he told me i was a fake and a liar and had no clue what i was talking about.  lol

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
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