shed a little light...

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bdksbabe -> shed a little light... (11/20/2008 9:38:14 PM)
hello All-- to start...i am new to the lifestyle. although i am submissive by nature and have always dreamt of finding the Man to introduce me to it. my dreams came true about three months ago and low and behold met the man i now call Daddy. he is the love of my life and i would do most anything to please him. he is extremely patient with me, especially being that He is very experienced in this realm and i am oh so obviously not. i am trying my best to keep up with His rules and demands, however it seems more often than not i fail. this leaves me feeling very empty inside. W/we are both professionals, single parents, and otherwise busy individuals. sometimes O/our lack of time spent together frustrates U/us...sometimes i feel it affects me more than it does him...and i become withdrawn. although i am trying desperately to get over this hurdle...i thought maybe posting a thread here would shed some new light. any insight into O/our situation would be greatly appreciated. BDKs babe

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: shed a little light... (11/20/2008 9:45:32 PM)
Mostly just go to him with exactly what you said here- that your failures are becoming a frustrating block for you and you'd like some insight to helo you. The lack of time may affect you more than him, the lack of time is a frustration and a hurdle- this is generally why people advise NOT to get into relationship until AFTER spending a few months together to see if these sorts of issues are serious compatibility problems or not. Now you will have to find out the harder way together with pressure of a commitment. Be patient with yourself as well- there's a reason they call it training and not trained.

PurpleSockx -> RE: shed a little light... (11/20/2008 9:52:58 PM)
Hello bdksbabe :) I know that feeling... and how hard it is to cope with as a sub/slave. Because what we are required to is to please so when that failure feeling reaches its ugly head it can be quite devastating. I have those same issues. Not only I fail but I have developped a real phobia of it. There is one article I found that is very interesting on that subject, written from a Dom's viewpoint, but it has been a bit helpful to me: http://seekers.org.uk/Fear%20of%20Failure.htm I'm not really sure if I can be of any help aside from saying that you're not the only one in this situation. Seems, at least for me, that I put a ton of pressure on myself that it even overwhelms my Master at times. How does your partner react in those situations where you feel like you have failed? EDIT: I have re-read your post and took notice of what you said that it seems to affect you more than him... Hmm... very similar to me... Was just wondering (I have not the answer) if this can even amplify that insecurity feeling... In other words: no or little reaction could be worse than a bigger one? Aaah I hope I'm not making things more complicated with my ramblings =(

bdksbabe -> RE: shed a little light... (11/20/2008 10:00:49 PM)
thank you both for your replies-- it is so comforting to me to know that i am not the only one who has felt the failure and the devastation it causes. my Daddy, like i mentioned, is extremely patient with me through my faux paws. however, it does become such that i feel like i am constantly apologizing and i am sure that will become monotanous with Him. he sees me through my shortcomings and guides me in what is the right direction. i don't believe there is any lack of effort on His part in as far as showing me the correct way. what are some of the ways i can demonstrate my love and devotion to Him in His absence? your replies are accepted with sincere gratitude. BDKs babe

DesFIP -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 5:48:29 AM)
Is he telling you that you're failing or are you telling yourself? Beyond that, he needs to slow down with his rule making. A rule that needs to be followed daily will take a month before you internalize it and don't have to stop and consciously try to remember it. If you're getting more than a rule a week, then it's too much. What's the rush? Why can't he allow you time to learn at a pace you are capable of handling? Why are you being pushed? Can't he wait a month or two before teaching you something else? Why don't you tell him that you feel that you're a failure and that you're feeling empty inside. Because I doubt that is what he wants to happen, and if he does want you to feel like this then I strongly suggest you rethink the healthiness of the relationship. Talk to him. Tell him it isn't working for you.

NuevaVida -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 6:35:58 AM)
Find out why you're failing. Are you writing the rules down so you don't forget them? Are you lacking enough time in a day to get them done? What adjustments do you think need to be made so you can succeed, and so you both can be happy? Keep in mind, we can be our own worst enemy when we feel we have failed. We feel like crap, like we are a disappointment, that we should just go bury ourselves in a hole somewhere. Once I failed to accomplish all my former owner set out for me, and when he said "What do you think I should do about that?" I said, "Um....kill me?" I was kidding, but seriously, I had been way too hard on myself. Tell him what you're going through. Ask for his help. Withdrawing is a relationship killer, so when you find yourself going there, force yourself out. It feels hard and awkward at first, but do it anyway. Sometimes people withdraw because they want their partner to come after them - it makes them feel cared about. Don't get into this habit - the best thing you can do is care about the relationship, by being open and communicative. You're in this together, not separately. You both want this to work, so work together on it. Withdrawing separates you from that equation.

Rover -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 6:39:12 AM)
It's easy to feel like a failure in any new endeavor. How can anyone succeed until they know what is expected of them, and have acquired the skills necessary to achieve those expectations? And how can anyone succeed without the strength necessary to see beyond the present, and to know that they are not a failure but a work in progress? Often times it's necessary to begin any new power exchange relationship by discussing this issue, and to be mindful that no matter what is said, there will be a tendency to feel like a failure anyway. Remaining sensitive to the issue during those early days/weeks/months and providing adequate support and positivie reinforcement can help. Recognizing that submissives/slaves can be terribly harsh on themselves, and reminding them that punishment is Master's (or Mistress') responsibility, not theirs, can help as well. But in the end, it is only the passage of time that is a cure. John

SimplyMichael -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 6:49:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bdksbabe he is extremely patient with me, especially being that He is very experienced in this realm and i am oh so obviously not. i am trying my best to keep up with His rules and demands, however it seems more often than not i fail. this leaves me feeling very empty inside. Many inexperienced dominants (and dear, he is far less experienced than he thinks he is if you are asking this question) equate making someone fail as proof of their dominance. This is a VERY common dynamic and what the two of you need to do is work together rather than you seeing yourself as failing his standards. You are new and his goals need to reflect that. If you are getting better at doing the things he wants (which implies that you are still making mistakes) that IS success. Sadly, many reinforce the perception of their dominance by making their submissives fail. It is a cycle that is very destructive and pointless.

persephonee -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 6:53:18 AM)
My best friend felt in the beginning of her life with her Sir that she had an overwhelming amount of things to re-educate herself about in order to serve him in a way that would make him happy...nothing core based...they are very compatible and similar in feelings about core issues, however, they have a fairly high protocol system set up and he has very specific wishes and it was overwhelming to her in the beginning while she was learning the ins and outs... During that time, i had no base to draw from for advising her other than my relatively vanilla perspective...but while we were discussing things, we noticed that i had been involved in what amounted to a 1950s kind of household and didnt even know it... My point is, that in the beginning of every relationship, whether it be the first year of living together or being married or being in whatever relationship once it becomes truly 24/7, is a very difficult time and there are lots of ways to feel like a failure during that time. She didnt choose to go to him and request a lessening of expectation, but she did go to him and ask what she could be doing better...how she could successfully serve him. In communicating with him, she found that he was pleased with the way things were going and hadnt noticed a struggle at all from her end...when he realized that she had felt any negative things at all, he immediatly took steps to help her feel more successful...and even his aknowledgement of her struggle helped her so much. Go communicate with him...ask what you can do to improve...let him know that it is your goal to make him happy and if hes worth his salt, hell help you understand...no matter what the issues are.... good luck perse.

Rover -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 7:14:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Many inexperienced dominants (and dear, he is far less experienced than he thinks he is if you are asking this question) equate making someone fail as proof of their dominance. I'm making no comment upon anyone's experience as it relates to this issue. But Michael brings up an excellent point here... it would be interesting to know whether his motivation is to have you succeed, or fail. And while it may initially seem like an obvious answer, don't be so sure about it. Many folks enjoy predicament play, sadism, etc. and try to extend this to become the basis for a relationship dynamic. Which is a recipe for disaster... it's trying to live a 24/7 scene, which simply can't be done. John

leadership527 -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 12:05:20 PM)
*bdksbabe:* I pretty much agree thoroughly with every poster above. I'd strongly recommend you read these answers carefully, then go have a serious heart to heart with your partner.

greeneyedreamer -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 1:28:03 PM)
I agree also with the above comments. I know my Dominant wants me to ALWAYS succeed. THis sets me up for success not failure. He also knows how i am doing almost all the time... Dreamer

MRandme -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 3:46:17 PM)
The relationship i am in is similar to yours in general. We are both single parents (though His are in college) and have work, daily life etc get in the way. Since we are separated by distance as well, it can be very frustrating. some thing that helped: * set up an online journal that only the two of you have access to. Write in it on a regular basis. my Master made it clear to me that i could write anything in this journal, especially negative emotions, so long as it was done respectfully. (writing "Master is big jerk!" would get me paddle time, for example wink) If you make a habit of writing down the feelings of failure and frustration, then He can be aware of it. It is often easier for me to write these things out than to verbalize. * make known to Him all your reactions whether good or bad. 'i really felt submissive when ..." "i had trouble handling...." etc helps Him make decisions. If you trust Him to make the right choices, you have to give Him all the facts to do so -- a choice made on bad data will turn out badly. the journal is also good for this. * Ask Him to give you a simple routine or protocol. Simple because it should be easy to follow and remember. Doing that everyday will give you a feeling of success. If you already have some routines and are not doing well with them, ask Him if they can be made simpler and then built up to the full level in steps. It is important to build a sense of accomplishment. One of mine, for example, is to wear collar, cuffs and plug to bed twice a week. That has changed a bit since, but it was essential to feeling owned in the beginning. It also had to be a routine that my kids would not see... once or twice events kept me from serving like this due to the need to keep them from seeing, but that was allowed. * Communicate often, even if only by email or text. After my service nights i am required to report by email. He may not reply immediately but any problems are to told then. If you need more advice or wish to talk, feel free to CMail me. i wish you well, g

Jupiterfalling -> RE: shed a little light... (11/21/2008 5:53:47 PM)
That is an amazing article, PurpleSockx! I can't thank you enough for the revelation I had just reading it. I can so relate to that fear. My Dom is more of a friend w/benefits than a relationship, but he is pretty cool. Nevertheless, he is a person with very high expectations that I always feel as though I am not meeting. He is my first Dom, too. That feeling of "never being good enough" can cause some serious anxiety. Part of me is gratefull for the perfectionist rising within, but with it comes huge fear. Somehow being human is difficult. Vanilla girls can hide thier flaws (mental and physical) with much ease. I used to throw guys off of me during sex, when I wasn't in the mood. Now I feel ashamed when I can't make him cum or have to vocalize that I have lost circulation while being tied up or gagged. Suddenly, nothing about me is good enough for me either - but it drives me improve. The key to self-imrpovement starts with self-love. I try to tell myself that everday. It also helps to assert the fact that dominance will make you stronger within (coming from the right person).

agirl -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 5:20:04 AM)
Well, three months isn't a very long time to me when I'm getting to know someone and it's unlikely that anyone would be the'love of my life' in that space of time or that I'd feel that 'I'd do almost anything to please him'. That said ....you said that he's experienced and that you're not.........but what is he experienced in? And how is his patience demonstrated? Taken at face value , you've taken a leap into a new country with customs and regulations that you aren't getting right all of the time. Pretty understandable. Busy people, not enough time...and according to your profile, looking for another sub.....might be an idea to walk before you try running. Things like 'demonstrating love and devotion' tend to become apparent over time ....How do YOU know when someone loves you and is devoted to you? agirl

celticlord2112 -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 6:51:29 AM)
quote: sometimes i feel it affects me more than it does him Assume this is true just for the sake of argument. So what? He is not you. Whatever else he may be, the one thing he will never be is you. Why should things affect him the same way they do you? Short answer is: They should not. As for his rules and his demands, those are his choice to make--your choice is always to accept them or to reject them, with the clear understanding that consequences arise either way. As you are discovering, even acceptance does not guarantee a positive outcome and consequence every time; mistakes happen, and consequences arise from those as well. You will make mistakes. When you do, learn from them and move forward. If he wants this relationship to last, he will, from his side, move forward with you, and not hold the mistakes against you. He will make mistakes. When he does, seek to help him learn from them and move forward. If you want this relationship to last, you will, from your side, move forward with him and not hold the mistakes against him. The only lasting mistake in any situation is not getting back up and continuing to move toward your goal.

celticlord2112 -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 6:55:10 AM)
quote: If you're getting more than a rule a week, then it's too much. Quite wrong. Whatever rules will be should be stated from the outset. Harsh but consistent is more productive than gentle and always changing.

Mercnbeth -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 8:11:01 AM)
quote: W/we are both professionals, single parents, and otherwise busy individuals. sometimes O/our lack of time spent together frustrates U/us...sometimes i feel it affects me more than it does him...and i become withdrawn. although i am trying desperately to get over this hurdle...i thought maybe posting a thread here would shed some new light. any insight into O/our situation would be greatly appreciated. It is difficult to serve two Masters, work and your relationship. To get it to work, you and your partner need to set individual priorities and then see if they match or can be compromised. If they can, you have a pragmatic expectation of your relationship; if they don't you determined you have a hurdle you can't overcome and need to 'walk around'; meaning you'll have to get together when you can, to do whatever fits into that time constraint. You and your partner can either be content with that reality or determine that the frustration experienced between appointments doesn't warrant the effort. Being "new to the lifestyle" adds another element. The newness frenzy can distract from the pragmatic reality. It would be easy to compromise or worse come to a rationalized decision based on how good, and/or new these new physical sensations are impacting your mental and emotional outlook. Appreciating the feeling is akin to a drug addiction, it's best to keep that in mind. You have a common problem. Maybe most would disagree with my position that it is not possible to serve more than one Master; however your example provides some insight to appreciating that often it's not a matter of number, it's prioritizing among the number of 'Masters' you serve. Good luck with that.

StrongSpirit -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 9:46:38 AM)
Regarding ".sometimes i feel it affects me more than it does him" My personal belief is that the real power in ANY consensual relationship is always with the person that wants it least, cause they are the one that is likely to get up and leave. By that logic, anyone that is truly dominant over the relationship (as opposed to simply someone that is a dominant personality) will always be less affected by the absence of relationship than you will.

JumpingJax -> RE: shed a little light... (11/23/2008 9:20:15 PM)
I believe that it is ok to lay out multiple rules. A Dom may have an "end game" in mind.... these steps are the things I want to see at some point in the future. A Dom who lays it all out is merely paving the road ahead. That being said, this Dom may just being understanding. Sure I laid out the rules, but I understand you can't be expected to be at 100% right away. Therefore I'm not focusing on if you did everything to my exact standard but instead choosing to look at the big picture. Are you making progress? Did you do your best? Was today or this week at little bit better then the day before. As Mr Robinson would say, "Keep Moving Forward". There is also the chance that since you have stated that you know you are making some mistakes, that your Dom realizes that you know you have made these mistakes. Therefore he is giving you time, not to see you fail, but instead to watch you self correct and succeed.

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