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Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 6:57:05 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Ladies, and guys if you have an opinion, when you meet someone from this or other internet sites for just Coffee or just Lunch / Dinner... how often does it turn out ok or badly?

I was reading that LadyConstanze had a nice cup of coffee with a man from the net that turned out nice in the Positive Experiences section.  Her's was a nice meeting with no expectations.  I truely enjoy those but wonder about those who thought they were going in with 'no expectations' but were seriously wrong?

Surely, I'm not the only one who hasn't had every thing work out.  How do you get out of the situation?  What do you say to the other person when it's just isn't working?  Are you polite about it or not?

Example... I met a guy for lunch from another site.  (Not from CM... I've only met one of these guys face to face and my Westie is a jewel!)  But this other one couldn't seem to keep his mind or conversation on Vanilla subjects for even 45 minutes.  He asked me "What's the hottest thing one of your boys has ever done."  I lost my mind and told him the story of one of my boys that was very into tease and denial.  At one point, he finally grabbed me, pressed me against the wall and lifted me off the ground kissing me and grinding on me.  After lunch, when he was walking me to my car... you guessed it... he grabbed me, slammed me against the wall of the restaurant and kissed me.  I slapped his face and told him to keep his damned paws off me.  He totally didn't understand that what was Hot for one boy with an on going relationship to do was NOT appropriate for someone I had just met.  I never saw him again although he still sends me messages.  He never takes the 'hint' that I am NOT interested and there is nothing he can do to 'make it better.' 

One of my friends from here mentioned meeting a Domme for coffee.  He found her SO unattractive that - as he said - he didn't want to be seen with her in public and didn't want to waste his money on buying her a meal.  So - this is so dumb - he invited her back to his apartment.   She took that invitation the totally wrong way and got very 'grabby.'  He said he had a hard time getting her out of there because he really didn't know what to do.

Why is it that some people - of any gender or orientation - don't seem to 'get it' that a first meet is just that?  A cup of coffee or a meal.  It is NOT an invitation to get grabby or a prelude to 'play' time unless both parties agree to more.


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It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 7:21:25 AM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		I prefer a meal. I like to study a person's mannerisms as they speak. How is their social ettiquite? You can see these things over coffee but I think with a meal you get a longer look at the person and how they react.

I have never had a bad meeting. I have met people who I definetely did not want to play with but the meeting itself was not bad.

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Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 7:44:23 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		 
Meeting at Starfucks screams cheapskate to me.

Over before it starts.

chia* (the pet)

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You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 8:13:11 AM   
Surata


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline 		I once had someone toss a collar at me in the parking lot of the restaurant where we were going to have a casual lunch, and demanded I put it on before we went inside.  Far as I know, the collar is still on the roof.

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 8:26:05 AM   
MistressEllen444


Posts: 109
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		I always want to meet quickly after engaging with anyone online, no matter what the forum. The first meeting from a connection for a site like this is spelled out clearly, vanilla, public, no possibility of play. For me this has worked well. I do not meet many of the people who approach me, but the ones I have met have been respectful. I don't think you can be too careful and the more clear the boundaries and expectations the better. Should someone show up who is not as represented online, it is time to leave immediately. So far this has served me well.

(in reply to Surata)
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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 8:26:48 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I love this story.. .*grin* perfect response...


quote:

ORIGINAL: Surata

I once had someone toss a collar at me in the parking lot of the restaurant where we were going to have a casual lunch, and demanded I put it on before we went inside.  Far as I know, the collar is still on the roof.


_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 8:34:51 AM   
bamabbwsub


Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Ladies, and guys if you have an opinion, when you meet someone from this or other internet sites for just Coffee or just Lunch / Dinner... how often does it turn out ok or badly?


Most of the dates that I've had from here or any other site have gone well. I tend to credit this with the fact that I typically exchange a few e-mails first, then phone conversations, before ever meeting them. Whether it's just coffee or lunch/dinner, I always offer to go Dutch, and it is his prerogative whether he pays for my meal or not. I figure that it isn't really fair for the guy to pay for every lunch or dinner for every woman he goes out with, but I know a lot of women who feel differently.

quote:

Surely, I'm not the only one who hasn't had every thing work out. How do you get out of the situation? What do you say to the other person when it's just isn't working? Are you polite about it or not?


Because I only meet in public places for the first date, it seems that both of us will tend to be on our best behavior. If the situation is truly intolerable, I try to be as gentle as possible, and usually invent some lie about why I have to leave. I'm polite until and/or unless he does something to piss me off or embarrass me. It sounds like the guy you went out with was only looking for kinky sex, not a D/s dynamic. The fact that he couldn't hold a conversation not relating to BDSM should have tipped you off, I think.

quote:

One of my friends from here mentioned meeting a Domme for coffee. He found her SO unattractive that - as he said - he didn't want to be seen with her in public and didn't want to waste his money on buying her a meal. So - this is so dumb - he invited her back to his apartment. She took that invitation the totally wrong way and got very 'grabby.' He said he had a hard time getting her out of there because he really didn't know what to do.


In my opinion, he got what he deserved. Had he never seen photos of her? That's always a must before you meet someone, although it isn't guaranteed that the photo is a true representation of the actual person that will show up. However, I find his behavior beyond rude. The fact that he invited her to his apartment signalled that he wanted to have sex with her, so IMO there wasn't any "hint" that he WASN'T interested in her. Being polite doesn't cost anyone anything, and he could've just lied and said that he didn't have time for a full meal but would be happy to buy her coffee. Thirty minutes of his time, and he'd be outta there.

quote:

Why is it that some people - of any gender or orientation - don't seem to 'get it' that a first meet is just that? A cup of coffee or a meal. It is NOT an invitation to get grabby or a prelude to 'play' time unless both parties agree to more.


I think some people are so desperate for sex and/or feeling wanted that they often don't see the signals that are being given out. I tend to think that men do this more often than women. Maybe before you go out with someone the next time, you should state implicity that the first meet is just a "get-to-know-you" period and that if they have any other expectations, they're just wasting their (and your) time.



_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to Surata)
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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 8:40:44 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

I prefer a meal. I like to study a person's mannerisms as they speak. How is their social ettiquite? You can see these things over coffee but I think with a meal you get a longer look at the person and how they react.

I have never had a bad meeting. I have met people who I definetely did not want to play with but the meeting itself was not bad.


This has been my experience as well.

No one is rude or unable to behave in a decent adult manner so it isn't a bad meeting. Not all meetings will turn into scenes or training or beyond. That's why you have that first public meeting in fact, to help weed out potentials.

Of course it's been a few years since I'd done this so perhaps folks have suddenly changed but I doubt it.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mummyman321)
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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 9:19:02 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline 		Almost all of my in-person meets have turned out well, with a few notable exceptions:
 
There was the fellow I agreed to meet at a Chinese restaurant.  He sounded great in e-mails and on the phone, but ordered four sakes and just a bowl of soup for dinner.  After the dinner, he was pretty inebriated.  He walked me to my car and begged me to "hurt him real bad" right there in the car in the parking lot.  I told him it was out of the question and terminated all contact with him.
 
Another person I met about 10 years ago gave me the creeps.  His pupils looked funny, he was hyper, and he seemed to be on some type of drug.  We met at a food court at a mall.   I cut it short and told him I had some shopping to do.  He got up when I did and tried to kiss me directly on the lips.  I told him that was highly inappropriate and took off into the mall.  I shopped for a few hours, then went out a different exit in the unlikely event he was still in the food court.  I didn't want him to get my license plate number or follow me.  Again, I ceased all contact with that individual.
 
Another time I was having a fairly normal lunch with a fellow.  Mid-way through the lunch he seemd to go into a hypnotic trance.  He got a glazed look in his eyes, and started saying "Yes, Mistress" to everything I said.  It creeped me out and I cut the lunch short.  He later sent me a very angry e-mail because I didn't invite him to follow me home.  I reminded hin that I had already told him beforehand no play at the first meeting.  He had a very exaggerated opinion of himself and his attractiveness, so he probably thought I would change my mind when I met him.
 
Other than these three incidents, all of my others meets have been at least tolerable and in most cases, enjoyable.  Sometimes, there was "chemistry" and we went on to play or have a relationship.  Othertimes, it didn't work out, but we had some good conversation and an enjoyable meal or coffee. 
 
Lady Topaz

(in reply to MsStarlett)
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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 9:39:37 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Most of the time, lunch/coffee goes just fine, and we part as friends, or just part as "nice meeting you, thanks for your time".  One notable exception---I *thought* I was meeting this guy for dinner...  but no.  He had FOUR of those really big beers in the amount of time it took me to have ONE icea tea (an hour?) and showed no signs of inebriation.  Whoa!  He was incredibly boring, and whenever I tried to turn the convo to BDSM topics, it drifted.   I was deeply glad for that date to be over.  I was astounded that he emailed me later, wanting to hook up!  For some kind of sex thing, evidently, even the details of THAT were unclear! 



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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 9:51:22 AM   
Triskellion


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bamabbwsub
I think some people are so desperate for sex and/or feeling wanted that they often don't see the signals that are being given out. I tend to think that men do this more often than women. Maybe before you go out with someone the next time, you should state implicity that the first meet is just a "get-to-know-you" period and that if they have any other expectations, they're just wasting their (and your) time.


There was a study to this effect not many years ago reported on USA Today, I believe. The experiment involved poll takers of both genders accosting persons of the opposite gender and having them answer the poll questions. Afterward, a second pollster would approach those who had been polled and ask if they thought the first poll taker was flirting with them. Men thought they were being flirted with much more often than women, who realized the tone of the poll was all business, but men tended to assume if a female was talking to them she must be interested. That is probably related to a secondary study which shows even a glimpse of a woman can throw off a man's judgement (link).
 
I have usually had positive experiences meeting people online though it seems like the craziness takes a while to crawl out of the woodwork. For instance, talking on line goes well, the first few meetings go well, then they start to get weird... in the last instance a girl I was interested in decided I was in an "abusive relationship" and that I needed to run away with her to her place to have sex. Which just proves that women can be a creepy as men.

< Message edited by Triskellion -- 11/22/2008 10:02:58 AM >

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 10:47:34 AM   
MsAlaria


Posts: 31
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: Richmond, VA
Status: offline 		I usually get to know a person pretty well before I arrange a meeting.  Talking to them through email, im and phone so most of mine have gone fairly well.  If they don't get the concept beforehand that it is "just" a meeting, then I generally will not arrange it. 

The where depends on the who.  I've met in coffee shops (and while someone alluded to them being cheap, they are also very quiet and allow for actual conversation), restaurants, an adult store and for drinks.

Like another poster, there was one boy I met who just could not stop talking about bdsm when I tried to steer it to vanilla topics and had one theme running throughout his questions, "How will you do this to me".  Regardless of how many times I explained to him that each relationship is different and methods may vary, he couldn't grasp that.  I left with a polite "It was nice meeting you, I have to leave now".

My best experience so far has been with a local I met a few years ago.  Something seemed to click with us from the first day and we finally managed to meet in a local hotel bar.  The attraction was obvious and we spent hours talking and making out afterwards.  Its been years since I've been around someone that makes me forget where I am or who's there. 


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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 11:03:56 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I tend to prefer coffee, mind you I don't go out of my way to meet as many people as possible but if you chat, you are actually quite near each other, why not meet up for a cup of coffee and a quick chat? There are nice coffee places all over and Starbucks, well I just dislike them, the coffee is bad and I hate the whole "We take over the world with our bad coffee" thing.

Coffee seems to be ideal, a get to know each other a bit, if that goes well maybe meet again. In case things don't turn out alright (the person you are meeting is horrible, has no manners, lacks hygiene, etc.), you can always wangle out and be on your way without being stuck for hours over a meal that you really don't want to have.

I only meet people without expectations and make that quite clear, it seems to help.

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Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 11:22:47 AM   
UmbraDomina


Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline 		I really have not had very many bad meets, the majority have been new friends, and never progressed from friend to anything else.For most meets I tend to select munches for the setting...... social light, some food, it allows me to see how they interact with others as well as myself, also if they don't show for what ever reason I am not left sitting alone fumming. If we get along smashingly I might then invite them to join me for dessert somewhere else to have quiet time with them.
I don't do alot of email/im interaction with people, if I feel like there might be a spark I am willing to meet them almost instantly (or at least with in a few days). I like the realtime interaction and it allows me to cut through alot of the bullchit.


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Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 11:25:19 AM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		For first meetings, I prefer coffee. You can linger as long as you like if it goes well, but don't have to struggle through dessert if it doesn't.

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a.k.a. "mean Lady"


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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 2:18:25 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		I do either coffee or meeting at one of the local malls. Just because it's cheap and works well for a weekend afternoon.

So far almost all of my meets have gone well. I've had a couple where there was just "nice to meet you" to "I can't wait to see you again." I've only had 2 that would be creepy. One the guy just focused a little too much on BDSM and the other he just gave me a creepy vibe. I've yet to meet anyone which I've left feeling scared about them.

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 2:38:56 PM   
SageFemmexx


Posts: 240
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline 		I prefer the sushi bar for lunch in order to meet. It immediately tells me how tolerant someone is if they freak over "raw" fish and eating with chopsticks or their fingers. People too uptight to play with their food don't interest me.

I've had some bad experiences when meeting. I had a dom follow me to my SUV, reach through the window and grab both my nipples. He then demanded I follow him to some construction site. I calmly put my SUV in reverse and ran over his foot. Needless to say, I never saw him again.

Sage.

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 2:41:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm more prone to meeting someone at a lifestyle event or social than to go out for coffee.  This method has worked really well for Me in the past.  Most of the time, I figure it was something I was planning to attend anyway, so I haven't made any additional arrangements.  If it goes well, we have a chance to get a bite to eat together.  If it doesn't go well, there are plenty of other folks to have the person get to know if I'm not interested in spending time with him.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 3:19:08 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I typically meet people on my ground or in a place I know well with people around that know me.  Unless I have talked to them for a long time, then I will do things differently.  I have never had a problem.  They know we are around people who know me and they would get their ass beat if they did anything out of line.  I will test people before I ever meet them.  I do this thing where I ask a lot of questions really fast and as they quickly try to give me answers, they are caught off guard if they have something they are hidding from me and I can typically catch them on some small detail.  Like they said they had a girlfriend six months ago and then will mention talking to her a week ago for example.  Any mess up and we don't meet.

I am not so hungry for something that I will take a chance.  I would rather be alone and miss out on someone than to risk even one awful moment of dealing with someone who has presented themselves with any deceit and whatever he might plan for us.  I am not typically afraid of being harmed or something, I just don't want the hassle of it. 

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Just Coffee or a Meal? - 11/22/2008 3:40:29 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I try to meet in a nice, vanilla way but it usually doesn't work out. I have, in the past, invited people I talked to on line to come to the BDSM club with me to chat and see how we click. For me, it's a bad idea. I much prefer the casual meet and greet with no idea of play hanging in the air unless I say so. Though even then, some don't get the hint. One guy we met for drinks, chatted and everything and then as we walked down a block he pointed to a corner and said "Do you want to inspect my balls?" Now, we had chatted about CBT on line though I NEVER said I'd be wanting to do it on the first meet. I said the idea interested me and if things work out it might happen. But ya know, people just want their fantasy met. I said no and we kept walking. Never talked to him again.

Other than that I haven't had many bad meetings besides the very first one from CM which I keep as a distant memory. After a recent sub guy (met on another site) though, I have a strick rule to meet casually first, ALWAYS. No running into them at a BDSM club or event, no play at the first meeting unless I change my mind. Why? I mentioned that I liked the BDSM club to this guy and then BAM it was all he wanted. I said, let's meet and have dinner and MAYBE if things go well we could swing by the club. He latched onto that maybe like it was the promised land. First couple of meetings didn't pan out and the third time he tried I said was busy and wouldn't be able to go to the club at all anyway with him but we could meet for dinner. He said he didn't want to come all the way to the city just for that. WELL, if meeting me nice and normal to talk is a "waste of time" then so are you.

But that's on line meeting. If I met someone at a club or event that's different...though if they're nice I wouldn't mind taking it to nice casual meetings too. I really do enjoy just hanging out with no expectations.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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