Selling myself short? (Full Version)

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aurora31 -> Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 4:34:31 PM)

Let me say first that I am still fairly new to the lifestyle. I have grown and learned much in the last 10 months but feel I still have a long ways to go.

As time has passed I have come to identify more as slave vs sub. Those who advise me also see this tendency in me. I have yet to gain any experiances with TPE. This is something I very much look forward to. Because of this I can only base my thoughts on being slave vs sub on what I feel in my core. I am a very hands on person, I can not know if something is truely right for me until I have experianced it.

When talking to potential Doms/Masters I tend play these tendencies down. I do this mostly out of fear of misleading a potential Dom/Master. I would rather them think I am less submissive with the willingness to grow as oposed to over selling myself as something I am not capable of being. It has been brought to my attention that in doing this I may be selling myself short and that I will be less likely to fing a Dom/Master who can provide me with the level of control/domination that I need to find fulfillment in my submision.

I would very much love to hear everyones thoughts on this. Also to the Dom/Masters out there, Would you prefer a sub/slave sell themselves short with the potential to grow or to over sell themselves as someone who is more submissive then they are? I guess what I am asking is it better to error on the side of cation?

aurora

P.S. Can someone please tell me how I can do a spell check on this?



Padriag -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 4:47:48 PM)

Personally my advice is to just be honest about who you are, how you feel, your doubts and fears included. In your post, I think you did a wonderful job of doing just that. To answer your question, as a dominant I would prefer a submissive understate herself a bit rather than over sell herself. Its always nice to find out she has more to offer than expected... but its always a disappointment to find out they have less than they claimed. The one area you should neither oversell or understate are hard limits... that you should try to be very precise about.



ScooterTrash -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 4:57:05 PM)

My suggestion would be the obvious one..be yourself, but cover your tail. I would think it is best to let your own personality and traits come to the surface, but do be wary as until you develop a trust with a potential Dominant, I wouldn't jump too quickly into a "play" situation. If I am reading what you are saying right, you might be a little anxious if put into a position where a power exchange is possible, but you do need to stifle that somewhat...at least for a short time. Slave mentality is great, as long as it doesn't get taken advantage of. I know many will respond and tell you that they approach this differently and that they feel OK with a first time meeting and may jump into a play situation in a short period of time, but they may be more sub than slave, which may make the difference. I guess whatever works is all I can say to them, but if you really feel you might "give it up" if put into that situation, all I am saying is go slow. If it's an experienced Dominant, I wouldn't see any problem with you actually bringing your feelings up, honesty is a valuable trait and any Dom worth his salt would appreciate that and feel he may have stumbled onto something great. Just my two cents.



Marquisd -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:01:36 PM)

quote:


Would you prefer a sub/slave sell themselves short with the potential to grow or to over sell themselves as someone who is more submissive then they are? I guess what I am asking is it better to error on the side of cation?

aurora

P.S. Can someone please tell me how I can do a spell check on this?


Hello aurora31.

Welcome to the world of the forums. Enjoy and share your thoughts - always good to read anothers point of view.

As for me and selling. If a submissive has to sell herself to me, I don't think of it as genuine or that I really want her in my life. Kinda like living at the north pole and a salesperson comes by to sell me a fridge. I want to know the person, that I have something in common with to share - and something that seperates us to learn from. It's the dynamic of the relationship I am interested in. We all change over time and have to adjust to the changes around us. So if you ask me......do not sell yourself at all - you are worth much more than that :)

As for spell checking.........in my case I speak and write fluent typonese. So just hammer away at those keys and good luck and enjoyment on your journey

cheers

Marquis_

***Edited for a brain fart***



IrishMist -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:11:54 PM)

Aurora,

Don't let someone else define who YOU are. Having doubts about who you could become is normal, but don't let someone else make the decision for you. It's better to call yourself what you feel is right, not what someone else thinks you should be. I call myself submissive, and yet, every person I know would label me a slave. I don't let it bother me; be who you feel you are, not what they think you should be.




happypervert -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:27:42 PM)

It sounds to me like you're trying to sell yourself like a used car instead of finding somebody that you're compatible with. I think if you worry less about "how submissive am I" and more about who you are and who you want to be with you will increase the liklihood of finding the right guy. Then the two of you can sort out the D/s.



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:30:33 PM)

hello aurora,
personally, i think you are wise to be selling yourself as a submissive, who can then develop toward slave. The reasons being slightly different than you'd be selling yourself short to a potential Dom.
I tend to view things as a continuum:
at one end is vanilla....................................................................at the other TPE, your personality, who you are, places you somewhere along is spectrum. Then given the right circumstances, you move along it, both back and forth sometimes lol.
In a relationship, you dont start off TPE, you progress toward it, as a learning curve. Both you AND your Dominant or Master will progress. Hopefully settling along the continuum at a place that fulfills both of your needs.
Just like a vanilla relationship, it will develop. You are wise to know, that what you imagine you are, may not indeed be what you prove to be. Same goes for any partner you choose too.
Fantasy is vastly different from living reality, sometimes far better, sometimes far worse. Id love to fantasise that id be a fantastic sub, all day, everyday. But im not. That he too would be the best Dom every day, but he's not. WE are real people, living real lives.

Communicating your mutual needs, thoroughly and carefully, negotiating the relationship is a constant process for us. Each time we discuss a play session, our individual reactions to it, thats more negotiating. We learn how 'our' D/s works as we go along. So will you and yours.

I wish you the very best of luck in your search



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:33:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Personally my advice is to just be honest about who you are, how you feel, your doubts and fears included. In your post, I think you did a wonderful job of doing just that. To answer your question, as a dominant I would prefer a submissive understate herself a bit rather than over sell herself. Its always nice to find out she has more to offer than expected... but its always a disappointment to find out they have less than they claimed. The one area you should neither oversell or understate are hard limits... that you should try to be very precise about.

I agree with Padriag but from a different percpective. Masters, looking for a potential slave to add to their home, are looking for someone that will add to the value of their home and life. If you sell yourself short or over sell yourself, the potential owner can not make an accurate assessment of your value. Thus, you lose out. All in all, be honest; to yourself and to those who you may be in a potential relationship with.



aurora31 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:34:30 PM)

Okay so maybe selling myself was not the best way to state things but I used it for lack of a better term.



JohnWarren -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 5:54:09 PM)

You just said it and said it well. Just tell 'em what you've written here and you can't go far wrong.



MistressFire70 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 6:04:53 PM)

Spell check:

The only thing I've found is to write it in Word or something with a spell check, then cut and paste. I do this if I'm writing more that two sentences. Sometimes, I need to do it for even that!

Fire
*hopes there's no misspellings* LOL



LadiesBladewing -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 6:10:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

I would very much love to hear everyones thoughts on this. Also to the Dom/Masters out there, Would you prefer a sub/slave sell themselves short with the potential to grow or to over sell themselves as someone who is more submissive then they are? I guess what I am asking is it better to error on the side of cation?

aurora

P.S. Can someone please tell me how I can do a spell check on this?


First, the easy question... spell check. there isn't one on here, so if you need to spell-check, the best bet is to create in Word or another program like that, and copy-paste to here.

As far as the other issue, I don't think you -are- selling yourself short. You have no experience in slavery, so you don't -know- whether you are suited to it or not. I would say that the way to go about this is to be honest. Tell the Dominants that you are willing to explore, and that something inside you says that you -may- be willing to yield that much of yourself, to the right person, but you haven't done it, and don't -know-, when the rubber hits the road, whether you'll be able to slip all the way into that place.

Most dominant individuals would prefer (as I am sure most submissive individuals would) for the people that they talk to to just be -honest- about what's going on with them, and where they're head is at. There's nothing to second-guess here. You are who and what you are, and if you are going to be a good fit in the relationship, you will be. If you're not, it doesn't matter how much you hedge or fudge, you won't fit there. If you are honest, you'll attract the people who are happy with who and what you are, and who will be a good fit for -you-.

The same goes for dominants. The words "submissive" and "slave" as they are used in the wide world of BDSM-D/s-M/s don't inherently mean -anything- except what the person who is speaking them means. What is important is what that -person- thinks that they mean, because in this community, the meanings of these words and their usage has become so fluid that the words themselves have become essentially meaninless.

Instead of using a label, tell the person you are talking to how you see yourself now, and what you would be willing to explore as time goes on and you are a good fit for one another. Listen to the way they describe the kind of person they are looking for -- how that person acts, what that person is willing to be/do, what requirements they will have for that person, and what they will do in terms of caring for the person who gives up a life to them. When the two things match, that's the beginnings of a relationship.

You aren't selling yourself short unless you are being less than honest with yourself and with others about what you -are-, and what you -want-.

Lady Zephyr



Focus50 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 6:21:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: aurora31

Let me say first that I am still fairly new to the lifestyle. I have grown and learned much in the last 10 months but feel I still have a long ways to go.

As time has passed I have come to identify more as slave vs sub. Those who advise me also see this tendency in me. I have yet to gain any experiances with TPE. This is something I very much look forward to. Because of this I can only base my thoughts on being slave vs sub on what I feel in my core. I am a very hands on person, I can not know if something is truely right for me until I have experianced it.

When talking to potential Doms/Masters I tend play these tendencies down. I do this mostly out of fear of misleading a potential Dom/Master. I would rather them think I am less submissive with the willingness to grow as oposed to over selling myself as something I am not capable of being. It has been brought to my attention that in doing this I may be selling myself short and that I will be less likely to fing a Dom/Master who can provide me with the level of control/domination that I need to find fulfillment in my submision.

I would very much love to hear everyones thoughts on this. Also to the Dom/Masters out there, Would you prefer a sub/slave sell themselves short with the potential to grow or to over sell themselves as someone who is more submissive then they are? I guess what I am asking is it better to error on the side of cation?

aurora

P.S. Can someone please tell me how I can do a spell check on this?

I think it's best for fem/subs to err on the side of caution because of all the online predators and general wankers out there.... Indeed, I expect it and am not perturbed if a sub seems a little reluctant or insular when first getting to know her.

I've been around long enough to know most subs are capable of more than they intiially let on once they meet THE RIGHT DOM FOR THEM. Trust can remove a number of seemingly rigid barriers once the right dynamic is created and within the right atmosphere.

If a Dom is truly interested in you as both a person and a sub, he'll see more in you than just what you choose to show....

Re spell check - I write my posts out on Notepad and save them first before posting. Now Notepad doesn't have a spell-check because I mostly don't need one but if you have a program such as Office Word or even just an Outlook Express mail window, you can compose your post there, spell-check it, then copy/paste to the Collarme window.

Focus.



KnightofMists -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 8:08:45 PM)

well you have some pretty good advice already given and really not point to add anything other than be yourself .... and I suspect that you already had the answer to some extent just needed alittle validations to your thoughts. But, maybe a few of these posts gave you alittle different perspectives to consider. Glad to see you asking the questions. A personal Merry Christmas from myself, kyra and alandra to you and your family.



FangsNfeet -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/22/2005 9:58:39 PM)

There are many in this life style who have gone around the block more than once. They've gone from Dom to sub to switch. Many have tried giving and recieving pain as well as keeping things only in the bedroom to 24/7 relationships.
Many find themself being dominant to many people while being submissive to a few and then you may find that fighting power struggle in a switch relationship. The bottom line is that every relationship you enter, you will change somewhat as to how dominant or submissive you will be. In any case, the important part is that you find what makes you the happiest in that relationship. So many of us fantasize over one thing or another only to realize that when we get it, it was something that we never really wanted all along.



candystripper -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/23/2005 1:18:49 AM)

hi aurora31. Welcome to the boards. As it happens, i am in a similiar position; those who know me well, and myself, all suspect that i'd be happiest as a slave. However, people give that word different meanings; i am not interested in being treated as mindless property. Rather, i suspeect i would worship my Dom or Master and be hard-pressed to deny Him anything He wanted. i can picture myseld letting Him make more and more decisions without input from me. Some people would tell you this is not slavery. Personally i think sometimes the labels make communication more difficult, not easier.

However, i think you are right to at least commence a conversation with a Man as a submissive; after all, none of us really knows if that greater depth of trust and admiration will grow. And the members here who have posted are right: a certain type of undesirable man responds to slave profiles more often, so why make yourself open to them?

i wish you a happy journey; a lifetime of learning and changing and finding happiness.

candytripper



gbgirlz2003 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/23/2005 3:44:14 AM)

quote:

However, i think you are right to at least commence a conversation with a Man as a submissive; after all, none of us really knows if that greater depth of trust and admiration will grow


I am young; but have had the same Master since I was 18. I did not sell myself, because I did not even know my own value. It was not until he collared me and I began to be introduced into the community (RT, instead of the cyber stuff I had been doing on line) that I began to "know myself". If someone had told me I would develop into a total slut eager to please Master I would have told them they were nuts. I was a good girl who went to church every Sunday. I had had only one previous sexual experience and that was a HS disaster.

IMHO you do not know yourself and what you are capable of until THE ONE comes along.




MasterRobert1 -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/23/2005 3:58:56 AM)

You may, or may not, be a slave. To get there, you need to go through being a sub first. So deal with it that way. For now, you're a sub. You have interest in slavery. But, without some real time feedback, you'll never know. I'd concentrate on learning and exploring, finding out exactly who it is you are. Maybe concentrating on that exploration is what you should be doing before the all out push to find a Dom/Master.



DeepWaters -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/23/2005 4:19:22 AM)

simply state where you are and where you want to go...a good Dom can take you there ;)



B1gbear -> RE: Selling myself short? (12/23/2005 4:42:25 AM)

Good plan! Being a slave is a degree of submission, just as being a Master is a role a Dom fills for a specific submissive. Titles can be confusing, just remember that you are a submissive. When you engage in a real relationship with a Dom (your then Master), if you have a slave within you the level of submission you will naturally find yourself wanting to fill for your future Master will evolve to that of a slave naturally.

If you want to put labels on what you hope to achieve early on in your dynamic, just explain that you would like to work towards a full slavery level of submission with that future Master, but give yourself a chance to find out what your comfortable with before you give up your right to a choice in it.

Good luck to you. Remember, patience! Remember patience! Remember patience! If its the right Master your find, it will be a long and fruitful relationship. Rushing into being his slave is not something you need to do. You will have lots of time to explore and live that dynamic. If its the wrong Master, you will certainly regret diving into being his slave versus his sub up front.



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