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Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:25:49 PM

virginia33

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Joined: 7/21/2008
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I have been in a relationship for a little while now, and i am not sure if he is a Dom. We didnt meet in a lifestyle party or site, and just happens that, he is extremely dominant in bed. This aspect of the relationship is amazing, however, how do i find out if he is into the lifestyle. I imagine that if i talked about this with him, he'd be confused about my question, so is there any idea how i can introduce this to him, carefully?
thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:32:21 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

I imagine that if i talked about this with him, he'd be confused about my question,

So what does this tell you?

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 2

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:33:44 PM

virginia33

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Joined: 7/21/2008
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hmm, he may be interested, but hasnt had the girl or the opportunity to engage in it?
Im not really sure.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 3

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:41:35 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

I suggest you talk with him and if he is interested take him out to events and let him get a feel for the lifestyle. Just remember that just because he takes the lead in the bedroom does not make him a Dom. He could just be "old fashioned" and believes that a man is in charge where sex comes in.

Mike

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 4

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:44:52 PM

virginia33

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Joined: 7/21/2008
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Quite true.. quite true, hence my confusion.
I will definately talk to him, however, how do i introduce it?
thank you Mike.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 5

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:53:38 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
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Be open and honest and just start talking, answer any questions he has. Be prepared that it could be a problem for him and the start of the end for you two.

Also do a search as this have been covered over and over on here and there is a lot of good advise already on here.

Mike

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 6

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 2:56:49 PM

virginia33

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Joined: 7/21/2008
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Thank you Mike. I will definately do some research before speaking with him.

thanks again
mell

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 7

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 4:26:09 PM

greeneyedreamer

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
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quote:

I imagine that if i talked about this with him, he'd be confused about my question, so is there any idea how i can introduce this to him, carefully?

You'd be surprised at how he may NOT be confused. Hint around about "boy your sure in a dominant mood" Or YOu are so dominant in bed... followed by an I LOVE THAT... See what happens..

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 8

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 4:35:41 PM

mefisto69

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take him on a tour of Kink.com

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)

Post #: 9

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 5:02:39 PM

virginia33

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interesting advice. thank you all.

(in reply to mefisto69)

Post #: 10

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 5:20:54 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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I don't think I would assume he is unaware of this part of culture altogether. It is a bit difficult to be that clueless. I would explain to him how much you enjoy what he is doing in the bedroom and ask him if he is willing to expand on it further. Either he will be curious as to your attraction to those things (this may turn out to be good or bad) and ask questions or begin to attempt to educate you. Either way, you will begin to know his position. If he is already neck deep in this, then you may be ready to jump right on in. If not and he is interested in going further, take it slowly and make small strides over time. And the big question to ask before having this discussion at all is: Do I want to risk this relationship for this lifestyle? There is always the possibilty as another poster has mentioned, that this exploration may not go as you are hoping.

You don't know if you don't communicate. Show your desire. Ask his thoughts. Find your path. Best wishes!

lovingpet

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 11

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 5:22:15 PM

xDino

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Joined: 2/6/2008
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I've actually encountered that a couple of times in relationships, seeing as I'm attracted to dominant guys in general. Its funny how many men are dominant or daddyish on a day to day basis without really knowing anything about the lifestyle itself. Each time I've been in a relationship and this has happened, I've brought it up and talked it out with him, and each time, it's been a positive thing. I'm not saying that anyone who seems kind of dominant, or who is dominant in bed will always translate outside the bedroom or vice versa, but I think a LOT of people have a sort of untapped dom or sub potential. Granted, people are usually a little shakey or nervious to get started, since bdsm might not be something they've ever really thought about, and it may be kind of hard, but in my experience, if you're with someone you're extremely committed to already and have great chemestry with and all that, there's no reason not to introduce some bdsm in or out of the bedroom, if you think your partner is up for it.

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 12

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 6:02:11 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

I have never considered myself a *dom*...others have...

I have considered myself a *master*...others say I have all the abilitites...to.

I do know how to Top and bottom, and in reality...since I am single...thats enough...

I mean it has to be....duh

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 13

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 7:29:53 PM

virginia33

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Joined: 7/21/2008
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Oh, for sure i am aware that this may go to the pooper, but i need now, after many vanilla relationships, to be myself. I cant' hide this part of me anymore, and it has been hiding. I mean, he thinks im extremely sexual, and i am, because i love how he is in there, however, how responsive id be outside the bedroom with the same attitude i think would blow his mind and make him happy.. by surprise.

Yes, i will approach slowly, but i will approach.
thanks for the advice

mell

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 14

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 7:57:35 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
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Reality check:

He's not a Dom.

He's not a Master.

He's a man.

The question is, rather, will he/does he live his life in a manner compatible with what you want?

_____________________________

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 15

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 8:25:16 PM

Lockit

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I do believe if he were active in bdsm or in his domination, you would know it by now being in a relationship for a little while. What concerns me here is that you are sexually involved with someone you may fear to approch with things you need to communicate about. If you feel he would be confused, why is that? How is he outside of the bedroom? Do you have a fear of talking about other things with him? Are you afraid of saying whatever might be on your mind and or his responses?

I am of a mind that if I can suck your cock, I better be able to say whatever it is that is on my mind with one old enough to let me suck his cock, because that walking on ice shit has no place. Why be afriad to talk about anything even something he might not understand? You are sexual with him and you can't talk about how he wants a relationship in or out of the bedroom? Even with a fear of someone not being into bdsm and maybe freaking out over the fact that you might be, I cannot understand the lack of communication or the fear of bringing it up. There are always jokes or ways to bring things up and if you can't figure out how you might do so, I would think you are not able to communicate your needs or whatever enough to actually call this a relationship.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 16

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 9:34:56 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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I always tend to get right to the point. "Wow, I love that you are so dominant in the bedroom, have you considered being dominant in other areas of our lives? Have you heard of BDSM or Dominant/submissive structured relationships? What do you think about that?"

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to virginia33)

Post #: 17

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/22/2008 9:52:07 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Call me strange (Really, feel free) but I have this peculiar notion that if you're having sex with someone, you really ought to be able to bring up any topic with them. Theperson doesn't always react well but I rather demand the ability to speak openly. Sometimes words like 'power dynamics' or the like may seem less overt than, "Hey, Dude, do you think you could be a Dominant across the board rather than ust in the bedroom?" but sometimes people react well to directness. Ask the question and good luck. :>
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 18

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/23/2008 6:19:05 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You could also bring up a couple of books like Screw The Roses, S & M 101, and ask him if he's read them. If he's horrified, then he isn't ls aware. If he's interested, then talk further.

But only you can decide if you want to risk not seeing him again if he decides you're weird. However if you need a man who is dominant and aware of D/s, then better to find out first.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 19

RE: Not a Dom? - 11/23/2008 9:33:16 AM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

If you are too nervous to talk, you can simply by a book and leave it for him to find. Or give one as a present.

Another idea is to rent/buy a copy of "Secretary" and get into a conversation about it.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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