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just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 5:48:04 PM

petwolf22

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i just finished going through the book "when someone you love is kinky" that someone recommended on another thread i posted. While it was an interesting read, i'm not sure it's something that would help my fiance to pass along to. He is aware of the things i enjoy (well, 90% at least). That's not the issue.

On the bright side we are starting to talk more. He has told me that he can get into some of the pain sensations that i enjoy, and even at some point let go into it entirely...but he is terrified of hurting me. Me bawling on the bed when we are through looks to him like i've been hurt (in a bad way). And yet through our discussions, there is a part of him that is "sadistic" in a way. He is bipolar, has been violent in past relationships (though more from lack of control in his life and not being on meds). This wasn't consistent abuse, but certain episodes. Can this be controlled, though? Can someone take this buried desire and let it out in a controlled way so that the other person can get mutual satisfaction out of it?

Just like for me it isn't always about sex, he's enjoyed random (and not frequent enough) episodes of spanking, etc. without it leading to anything else. i've told him to use this....while it would bother me if it never led to anything else...part of my wanting to be dominated by him wants him to use me body for those periods for his pleasure...if it's communicated to me, if he sees it like that, it fulfills part of the need.

i'm hoping that our continued couples counseling will help us to explore this further...i'm trying so hard to make this relationship work and figure out my place in it...a lot of things have gotten better. i'm not even sure of my question...just wanted to talk for a moment.

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 5:59:23 PM

LadiesBladewing

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The best suggestion that I can make to you is to go -slow-. Let him see you respond positively with (and consistently reinforce that you are -enjoying) smaller, less intense expressions of his evoking pain in you. Instead of going right for the beating that leaves you breathless and bawling, start out with something like over-knees spanking with a bare hand, and work your way -up- to the acrylic canes, rubber whips, kicking or whatever intense stuff you enjoy. It may take months or years to work up to the heavier stuff, but you can work your way up and let him learn about what you like and what rocks his world at the same time.

In the meantime, this will also give -you- an opportunity to see whether he can handle the increase in intensity and whether he can separate SM from uncontrolled rages. At any point, you can back off or speed up, in coordination with what you find out in couples counseling, until you find something that works for you.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22

i just finished going through the book "when someone you love is kinky" that someone recommended on another thread i posted. While it was an interesting read, i'm not sure it's something that would help my fiance to pass along to. He is aware of the things i enjoy (well, 90% at least). That's not the issue.

On the bright side we are starting to talk more. He has told me that he can get into some of the pain sensations that i enjoy, and even at some point let go into it entirely...but he is terrified of hurting me. Me bawling on the bed when we are through looks to him like i've been hurt (in a bad way). And yet through our discussions, there is a part of him that is "sadistic" in a way. He is bipolar, has been violent in past relationships (though more from lack of control in his life and not being on meds). This wasn't consistent abuse, but certain episodes. Can this be controlled, though? Can someone take this buried desire and let it out in a controlled way so that the other person can get mutual satisfaction out of it?

Just like for me it isn't always about sex, he's enjoyed random (and not frequent enough) episodes of spanking, etc. without it leading to anything else. i've told him to use this....while it would bother me if it never led to anything else...part of my wanting to be dominated by him wants him to use me body for those periods for his pleasure...if it's communicated to me, if he sees it like that, it fulfills part of the need.

i'm hoping that our continued couples counseling will help us to explore this further...i'm trying so hard to make this relationship work and figure out my place in it...a lot of things have gotten better. i'm not even sure of my question...just wanted to talk for a moment.

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:01:13 PM

Sirandlittle1

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its good to talk lol

just wondering if he's the hesitantly blossoming Dom, would he perhaps find it easier to slip into the role, if you tried something less sexual outside of the bedroom. Selecting your clothing, you chauffering him about, pampering him with services etc?

submitting to micromanagement for brief periods of time, can be an intense power exchange for me. And leads rather nicely onto the play part.

rather intense sensations can be found in ice and heat, that are less edgy in the headspace of the novice, whreas the full on whipping can turn a persons stomach that has not wandered down that path themselves.

Subtle is the new black.

just felt like talking too lol
little1

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:11:13 PM

petwolf22

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this is where things get confusing...perhaps we went too fast when we first met. It's so hard to know...we were able to play more when we first met. Things changed a few months later when he went back on his bipolar meds...so it's hard to know whether it was the meds or just settling into the relationship that changed things.

i agree on taking things slow...this whole aspect of our relationship has been back burner as we've started to work on other things, to get a good solid basis for us. It can't stay back burner forever, though.

i appreciate you listening to me. Sometimes i feel like i don't make much sense on these boards...everyone else seems to know themselves much better and have what they want, or at least know what they're looking for.

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:17:29 PM

LadiesBladewing

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Just a note here that many of the medications and combinations of medicines typically used for treating bipolar disorder have side effects that result in things like disconnectedness, social distancing, sexual dysfunction, cognitive dysphoria... Generally, a feeling of being disconnected and a little spaced-out, even though you may be more emotionally level. Especially for the bipolar who had become accustomed to the intense dips and peaks of neurochemicals in his or her cycle, this can be disorienting, and somewhat uncomfortable to work through. Again, patience is everything. I know you said you've -been- going slow, but it sounds to me like you're getting a bit impatient, and it might be helpful to understand that slow, in this case, really -does- mean very, very slow.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: petwolf22

this is where things get confusing...perhaps we went too fast when we first met. It's so hard to know...we were able to play more when we first met. Things changed a few months later when he went back on his bipolar meds...so it's hard to know whether it was the meds or just settling into the relationship that changed things.

i agree on taking things slow...this whole aspect of our relationship has been back burner as we've started to work on other things, to get a good solid basis for us. It can't stay back burner forever, though.

i appreciate you listening to me. Sometimes i feel like i don't make much sense on these boards...everyone else seems to know themselves much better and have what they want, or at least know what they're looking for.

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:25:57 PM

petwolf22

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it's incredibly hard not to be a little impatient...it took almost a year just to get him to start helping out around the house since i couldn't handle keeping up on everything on my own.

i'm a natural multi-tasker, and this has forced me to try and deal with one issue at a time. It's not been easy. And so many other people in his life weren't patient enough, and didn't hang around. i do love him, but it's still difficult to not feel a bit of obligation.

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:41:15 PM

fastlane

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The last time I vented quietly, I pointed at my dog and said, "he did it!"

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/22/2005 6:42:05 PM

petwolf22

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hehe

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/23/2005 1:38:21 AM

candystripper

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petwolf, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" and "Men Don't Change". Gawd knows a whole lot of pain and suffering went into acquiring these bits of wisdom. It concerns me greatly that your Dom has a history of going off his meds and becoming violent or abusive. If you really want to pursue this relationship, i'd advise taking time and trying to understand why he goes off his meds; decide whether you are willing to be with him when he's off them, etc. i wish both of you every happiness.

candystripper

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/23/2005 3:45:36 AM

petwolf22

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he went back on his meds largely because of me...we've had a good two years with none of those problems. i know there's risks...i still have to worry about him committing suicide but we've been lucky and haven't really had any episodes with that either.

thank you

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/23/2005 5:08:22 AM

fldrkhorse

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Wow, this is very interesting because it brought back the scenes from "Lord of the the Flies." I believe there are primal urges we keep surpressed, for many reasons. I also believe there are leaders and followers in life. There are warriors deep within our souls that if tapped, one has no idea how powerful they are or what the consequences could be. It could be this person has met his demon before, and it scares him. What if he's trying to keep his demon concealed? Be very careful what you wish for.

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Namaste, I honor the divine in you

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/23/2005 5:50:22 AM

B1gbear

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quote:

On the bright side we are starting to talk more. He has told me that he can get into some of the pain sensations that i enjoy, and even at some point let go into it entirely...but he is terrified of hurting me. Me bawling on the bed when we are through looks to him like i've been hurt (in a bad way). And yet through our discussions, there is a part of him that is "sadistic" in a way.

Excellent start. COMMUNICATION! This is the key to this lifestyle being successful as well as any other lifestyle. Most men are taught to protect and cherish women from childhood, not inflict pain to them. We are taught this is wrong and abusive from birth and have to learn different behavior to use pain for pleasure as adults. This is always a slow and careful transition if we are acting responsibly. I keep the first flogger I ever owned as a reminder of my own growth. It is a 8" soft suede flogger that I couldn't illicit a simple sting from if I tried. I chuckle to this day ever time I see it. A far cry from the heavy two-handed bull flogger that tops off my collection of about a dozen and hangs next to my single-tail whip now. Both of which bring a smile to my face every time I pick them up. Point is that, don't expect results overnight. It takes time to grow in a healthy manner.....in a safe and sane manner.

quote:

He is bipolar, has been violent in past relationships (though more from lack of control in his life and not being on meds). This wasn't consistent abuse, but certain episodes. Can this be controlled, though? Can someone take this buried desire and let it out in a controlled way so that the other person can get mutual satisfaction out of it?

Okay, take this one very carefully. First off if someone suffers from bi-polar disorder, they need medication to keep in in check. Its not a matter of self-control, its a matter of medicated control. A bi-polar person in a rage or anger fit is NOT in control of their actions. Not a safe or good mix for S/M play. Ensure that disorder is in check and under control before doing anything else or someone could get hurt and medical and law enforcement will not care about your lifestyle choice, just that a bi-polar person hurt someone else.

quote:

Just like for me it isn't always about sex, he's enjoyed random (and not frequent enough) episodes of spanking, etc. without it leading to anything else. i've told him to use this....while it would bother me if it never led to anything else...part of my wanting to be dominated by him wants him to use me body for those periods for his pleasure...if it's communicated to me, if he sees it like that, it fulfills part of the need.

i'm hoping that our continued couples counseling will help us to explore this further...i'm trying so hard to make this relationship work and figure out my place in it...a lot of things have gotten better. i'm not even sure of my question...just wanted to talk for a moment.

Just have patience and understand that it will take time. If he is willing to try and you both communicate openly it can happen. I've seen it work and I've seen it fail, depends on if this lifestyle is really within 'both' of you, and not just one. You can't make him a Dom or a Sadist if its not in him in the first place to be. Be open to that possibility as well.

Best of luck.

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RE: just a quiet vent - 12/23/2005 10:51:21 AM

mstrofsnfulplsre

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lol to funny

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