Long Distance Relationship (Full Version)

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alexhar72 -> Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:07:16 PM)

OK, I am new here and figured I would lay it all out there. I am married and have been in a relationship with another woman for 3 years. We are about a 3 hour flight from each other so we have never met, however I would defintley charactorize this relationship as very real. She is also married and knows my situation. We have been discussing my dom tendancies and her sub ones and we are moving in a direction that will take us into this new areana. I was wondering what your experiences with LDR's has been and when missing an important element, how does a couple make up for what they are missing. I have always believed that the mental and emotional side of being a dom is as important, if not more important than the physical. I want my sub to feel safe, taken care of and trusting, but I am not sure of how I can be a better dom to a woman I can not touch. Part of the reason I am in this situation is that I have had an impossible time finding a woman in my area who is looking for a dom without a wealth of experience. The internet has proven to be a sea of.....well, you guys know its a disaster out there!! So, I guess I am asking two things: How can I be a better, more fullfiling dom to a woman thousands of miles away and how would you suggest I best find local women whom I may want to learn more about.
Thanks.
Alex



Tinkerer -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:19:04 PM)

Stay faithful to you wife. NOTHING good ever comes from doing otherwise. Have you asked her about bdsm at all? If you haven't, who knows, maybe she's interested or can be warmed up to it.



alexhar72 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:27:11 PM)

I have seen alot of posts here about being open and honest with ones spouses, but I would also suspect that there are many, like myself, who are not in a position to do so. There are many reasons why I have chosen this path and it's been 4 years since I have done so without havcing the right person to real do it with. While I know there are probably many who would frown upon my choice to cheat, I have made a choice not to cheat on myself any more. Anyway, personal choice is what it is all about...right?
That being said, more original questions still stand.
And, trust me....I know..there is NO WAY she'd could be turned around....I have tried.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:30:19 PM)

If you were incompatible why did you get married?



mystickoolaid -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:33:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alexhar72

I have seen alot of posts here about being open and honest with ones spouses, but I would also suspect that there are many, like myself, who are not in a position to do so. There are many reasons why I have chosen this path and it's been 4 years since I have done so without havcing the right person to real do it with. While I know there are probably many who would frown upon my choice to cheat, I have made a choice not to cheat on myself any more. Anyway, personal choice is what it is all about...right?
That being said, more original questions still stand.
And, trust me....I know..there is NO WAY she'd could be turned around....I have tried.



If you are unhappy enough to cheat and potentially destroy another person's life in the process, and it isn't an open relationship, just LEAVE before it gets ugly. No one can keep up a lie forever and it will come out, either by her finding out on her own, you screwing up and making her suspicious, someone else telling her, or eventually you just coming out with it.

Edited to add: it's damn near impossible to have a D/s or M/s relationship which is only online and never in person. Add in the fact that neither one of you actually has any experience with it in RT, and that makes less of a possibility of making it "work". Add in the fact that you are both married to people who have no idea what you are doing, and there is no possible way to make it "work".



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:35:39 PM)

quote:

I have always believed that the mental and emotional side of being a dom is as important, if not more important than the physical. I want my sub to feel safe, taken care of and trusting, but I am not sure of how I can be a better dom to a woman I can not touch.
I believe it's very possible to find places where you can join, learn, and find what you seek in NY, where you are allegedly from.

A real relationship for myself, entails an actual meeting and saying hello face to face, but if you're both happy with your online arrangement, who am I to judge?   Besides, the computer is probably the thread that has you still married,and feeling masterful.   It isn't impossible to have a D/s relationship while married, but I imagine infinately easier, if you try to talk to your wife about this before straying and finding yourself in a place where you'll have to master survival.   M



mystickoolaid -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:44:58 PM)

I would also like to point out here that the two absolutely most important things in BDSM are TRUST and HONESTY. Can you realistically expect either one from a person who is lying to their spouse, the one person who they are supposed to trust and confide in without fail? Do you honestly think this person can ever truly trust you knowing you are doing the same? A BDSM type dynamic that is started in deceit in one sense or another is pretty much doomed to fail.



alexhar72 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 12:45:23 PM)

I am very suprised with the judgment of my situation, which is vastly more complex than I have chosen to desribe here.
" If you were incompatible why did you get married?" Well maybe when I married 15 years ago, i really didnt know who I was, maybe I have grown as I have aged, maybe I have sought to expand myself? And who said we were incompatible? We are in this area of my life, but in many others we are very compatible.
"....and find what you seek in NY, where you are allegedly from" Allegedly!!??
Based on the responses I made a mistake seeking knowledge from those with more experience than I. Not because I dont like the responses, but I am suprised at the judging of one who has made differant choices than the norm.



akisha -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 1:22:30 PM)

Alex

if you do a search on "cheating" you will see that the response is always extremely negative. I have yet to see many people endorse others that want to cheat on their significant others.

Not many endorse online only relationships either so you are hitting here with a double negative.


I must admit I agree with the consensious, cheating is not the answer but do what you think is best and deal with the consequences when they hit and trust me they will hit and it a big bad probably extremely legally expensive way.



toddlefeet -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 1:28:33 PM)

LDR's. I've been there..at least twice. all have gone kaput. LDR's dont ever work..its futile. your better off looking for something close to you.

LDR's.= trouble



LadyPact -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 1:29:14 PM)

I realize that you are new here, so I'm going to say something that I've said before, but you haven't had the opportunity to hear it.

On your last comment about judgment.  I'm sorry, but just because we happen to be some folks who participate in BDSM, doesn't mean that you will not be judged for your actions when they start getting into morally gray territory.  We're kinky, but we're still a slice off of the human race.  It means a lot of us consider cheating or lying to a significant other not the best way to handle things.  We talk a lot here about trust being so important in wiitwd.  Yes, people will judge your integrity by your actions.  If you're lying to the person you've spent 15 years with, how could anyone know that you wouldn't lie about other matters. 

Now, let Me help you on something.  I'm a married Dominant with a married submissive.  My husband knows and his wife knows.  I live what can be called a closed poly lifestyle.  This has worked for us with openness and honesty.  You may feel that this wouldn't work with your wife, but I can promise you that it can and does exist.  There are plenty of us right here on these boards that have had successful dynamics with people other than our spouses.  There are also quite a number who now have such a dynamic with their spouse, because they were honest with them and talked about their desires.  Lots of them felt that it couldn't be done and now they're doing it.

As for your decisions of why you are now in this situation, they are your own.  No one forced you into the position that you are in now.  You chose it, and continue to chose it each day that you're not honest with your spouse.  If you got caught tomorrow, and were forced to pick one or the other, how would you handle that?  If you could have BDSM and the sub you've never met, or the wife and life you've built in those 15 years, what would you do.  Knowing which path you'd follow could be a great benefit to you.  There's even an option of doing so before  it ever gets to that point.

I'm going to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, and wish you well.



KnightofMists -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 3:28:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alexhar72

I have seen alot of posts here about being open and honest with ones spouses, but I would also suspect that there are many, like myself, who are not in a position to do so.


that's a cop-out... people are always in a position of telling the truth.... it's a choice not to do so.

quote:


There are many reasons why I have chosen this path and it's been 4 years since I have done so without havcing the right person to real do it with. While I know there are probably many who would frown upon my choice to cheat, I have made a choice not to cheat on myself any more. Anyway, personal choice is what it is all about...right?
That being said, more original questions still stand.
And, trust me....I know..there is NO WAY she'd could be turned around....I have tried.


The thing about personal choices is that the quality of the decision is largely dependent on the information that such decision is based upon.  I have to wonder what would be your wife's personal choice be if she knew about your little online fantasy life.  As far as trusting you... mmmmmm uh no... your already showed yourself to be weak of courage and integrity... so no I will not trust you. 

now... is that a train whistle I hear in the distance.



KnightofMists -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 3:31:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alexhar72

I am very suprised with the judgment of my situation


your kidding right.......mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lacks courage.. integrity and doesn't appear to be very perceptive of others as well.



KnightofMists -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 3:38:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As for your decisions of why you are now in this situation, they are your own.  No one forced you into the position that you are in now.  You chose it, and continue to chose it each day that you're not honest with your spouse. 


and this to me raises another character flaw I see in the OP... Failure to accept responsibility for his choices!  Or at least the choices to the consequences he doesn't like. 

Just a hint to the OP.. One of the primary things that leads a Dominant to a successful relationship.. is the ability to accept responsibility for all of their choices.



KatyLied -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 3:46:26 PM)

quote:

Anyway, personal choice is what it is all about...right?


Can I be in the room when you explain that to your wife?  Where was her "personal choice" in all of this?



lally3 -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 3:48:52 PM)

your personal life is youre affair and none of my business (or anyone elses)

im impressed that youve been cyber with someone for 3 years! - that shows you have quite a link going with this woman.  but it must be frustrating.  i believe it might become even more so as the sexual proclivities start to work through your mind with noone to practice on.

there are always local things going on, unless you live miles from anywhere or on the moon.  check it out.  all of these places are very welcoming often run educational things and are supportive.

maybe one day, when you feel stronger about what youre doing, why and where its taking you, everything else will fall into place.



NormalOutside -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 4:18:39 PM)

I suggest you browse this site for ideas, for one thing.  You can get a lot of info here.  Don't get involved in the drama or forming into the cliques.
I was online only with my girl for nearly 5 years (some quick visits during the last 2 years), before we finally got to be together permanently last June.  Love it.  :)  Good luck!



NormalOutside -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 4:22:52 PM)

As for the "advice" you've gotten above, such as "you're a bad person" and "nothing you're doing  has any chance", fuck 'em.  I was in the exact same boat you're in now, and all I had to do was set my mind on my goal and I achieved it.  A bit of luck, a bit of hard work, a bit of determination.  The garbage coming from people above can't really be considered advice because they're either morally clouded in their opinions or clearly misinformed.  It's definitely possible.



CalifChick -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 6:04:26 PM)

What I don't understand is, if you're serious about this person you've "known" online for three years, why you have let a measly 3 hour plane trip keep you from meeting her.

I spent a day and a half, flying across the country and getting stuck overnight partway there due to weather, to meet five people from CM that I had never met before, that I had been talking to for anywhere from a couple of weeks to 6 or 7 months. 

And you're stymied by a THREE HOUR plane trip???


Cali



AngelGeena -> RE: Long Distance Relationship (11/27/2008 6:13:04 PM)

I am in the beginning stages of a LDR myself.  The encouragement of it working isn't all that great, but I also note that it isn't impossible either, as I've seen people for whom it has worked. 

I won't add my whole negativity toward the being married thing except to say, I've been in  your wife's shoes before, and then also in yours.  It is a cop out to stay married if you want to be with someone else.  Period.  Because eventually it will catch up with you and it's much harder to deal with later than earlier.



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