Switch + Sub = Hmmm

Switch + Sub = Hmmm (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Conex -> Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 9:28:09 PM)
Well, I'm currently in quite a loving 2 year relationship with my current girlfriend. About a month ago, she told me about the fantasies she has had about BDSM and being a sub. I didn't really know a whole lot, so she decided to share several resources with me and together, we learned about it and have really been enjoying it together. Lately though, I have been feeling curious myself about being the sub and her be a domme. I mean, I love being the dom with her, but I really think I would enjoy being the sub as well. That said, I decided to discuss this with her, and she pretty much told me out-right that she had no interest what-so-ever in dominating me. I was actually kind of surprised by this and almost a bit hurt as it didn't seem exactly "fair" (Not that life is fair). I want to talk with her about it again, as she is the one who has really gotten me into this 'culture'. I really do enjoy how things are with us... but I am really not sure how to approach her about this subject or if there is some sort of compromise that can get me a 'sub' type of release. Finding another partner to join us or the like isn't an option, as we are in a closed relationship. Any ideas on how to talk to her about this? Thanks :)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 9:42:55 PM)
The only thing to do since you've already received quite clear answers on this is to say "It's still on my mind, can you explain more of how this is to you?" Many people simply are not switches. That doesn't mean they are closed minded or limited or not as adventurous, it's just not how their orientations work.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 9:44:58 PM)
Does she have dominant personality traits? On the humors side you could: do what so many subs complain about their “Doms” doing to them. Tell her if she was “good slave”, she would “obey” her Master and top you. pay her to top you?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 9:46:09 PM)
I think you're talking about a level five skill with a level one relationship right now.

E2Sweet -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 9:48:24 PM)
I've looked deep into my crystal ball and I see a slightly less closed relationship between you and your girlfriend in the near future. [:)] You're lucky. Enjoy these experiences, proceed in to your future cautiously, and try not to blow it. [;)] Edited to fix an error...

Conex -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 10:09:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist Does she have dominant personality traits? On the humors side you could: do what so many subs complain about their “Doms” doing to them. Tell her if she was “good slave”, she would “obey” her Master and top you. pay her to top you? Heh, I briefly mentioned that. Oddly enough, her personality is what you consider more of a 'librarian' type.... so she does have some of those traits. -- quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross The only thing to do since you've already received quite clear answers on this is to say "It's still on my mind, can you explain more of how this is to you?" Many people simply are not switches. That doesn't mean they are closed minded or limited or not as adventurous, it's just not how their orientations work. Well, I do understand. I guess I am not expecting her to be a switch... I just expected her to just give it an Effort. I mean, I was will to try out being a dom for her... I just wish she'd give it a fair try. quote: ORIGINAL: E2Sweet I've looked deep into my crystal ball and I see a slightly less closed relationship between you and your girlfriend in the near future. [:)] You're lucky. Enjoy these experiences, proceed in to your future cautiously, and try not to blow it. [;)] Edited to fix an error... quote: ) Heh, I can't deny my curiosity, but I am loyal and will continue to respect her regardless of her decision. I'll try not to blow it!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 10:18:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Conex Well, I do understand. I guess I am not expecting her to be a switch... I just expected her to just give it an Effort. I mean, I was will to try out being a dom for her... I just wish she'd give it a fair try. I'm sorry did someone lie to you and say that because you are open to something, your partner must also be open to that thing? If you think guilting her into it will help, you're quite wrong. Part of the problem may be that you see it as kinky fun and an "effort" while she's had this orientation in her for as long as she knows. Hence why I said you need to get her to talk about it more.

Conex -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (11/30/2008 10:23:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: Conex Well, I do understand. I guess I am not expecting her to be a switch... I just expected her to just give it an Effort. I mean, I was will to try out being a dom for her... I just wish she'd give it a fair try. I'm sorry did someone lie to you and say that because you are open to something, your partner must also be open to that thing? If you think guilting her into it will help, you're quite wrong. Part of the problem may be that you see it as kinky fun and an "effort" while she's had this orientation in her for as long as she knows. Hence why I said you need to get her to talk about it more. I have no intentions to guilt her, I was simply expressing how I felt. .. But basically it comes down to either finding someone who's orientation is compatible with mine, or stick with my current relationship and talk about it, and if nothing happens, let the idea go? (Of course the later would be my choice. I'd never break up with her because she didn't want to do something)

Elisabella -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 12:27:07 AM)
Is submitting something that you feel genuinely drawn to, or is it more of a "that looks fun" type thing? Basically would you be completely satisfied and fulfilled in a relationship without being the submissive at times? If it's something that you feel a genuine need for, the way your girlfriend feels a need for you to dom her, then you might want to look at getting that need met from someone else. Either at a play party or a pro domme. Since your girlfriend isn't a switch, you can't expect her to dominate you. Personally, as a submissive woman, I can't think of anything that would turn me off more than dominating my fiance, because submission is something mental and internal for me, not just physical play. If on the other hand, you're just curious about what the other side would feel like, and it's more just for kicks than for a deeper need, I wouldn't keep bringing it up to her. For me personally, I couldn't be with a submissive man, and if your girlfriend starts seeing you as a submissive it might change her opinion of you.

Lashra -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 12:51:17 AM)
If she does not have Dominant traits then she will not be a Domme. In fact it could be detrimental to your relationship if you should try to make her do this for you. You should do some soul searching and try to figure out why you want to be a submissive (switch). If you have submissive traits that need to be fulfilled then you may have to impress that upon her and the fact that you may have to go outside of the relationship to have those needs met. After all she wants her needs met, yours are just as important. ~Lashra

chamberqueen -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 6:44:13 AM)
I agree with Lashra. While you may have the ability to switch easily, she may not have that at all. I can see why your immediate reaction would be that the situation is "unfair", but most people are not cut out for dual roles. What you could do as a compromise is to work what you want into a session. As an example (and I don't have a clue what you are into) say that you enjoy being spanked. As the top you have the right to give her the command to spank you. You would still be in control, which she seems to need, but you would be getting your needs met. If you are tired of being in control all of the time you could simply tell her during a session, "please me how you best see fit - I will not direct you" and let her take over. It can be incredibly erotic to allow someone to use their creativity in pleasing you. If you try to force her to be what she has no interest in then it can seriously damage your relationship. These intermediate steps might be enough to help you feel like you are getting more of what you need.

DesFIP -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 7:03:21 AM)
Let's say you had developed an interest in threesomes and she told you she wasn't at all interested in that. Do you have the right to force her to do something that she finds a total turnoff? Obviously not. Fairness isn't the issue here. Compatibility is. You need to talk to her about your need to explore your sub side, and that since she isn't interested can she help you brainstorm ways to explore. You could go to dungeons and have play only sessions if the two of you don't want to open the relationship. You could see a proDomme for play only relationships. Or you could decide that this relationship just isn't right for you in the long run and the two of you could separate. If you are willing to open the relationship and one or both of you is bisexual, then you could seek a dominant to dominate both of you. However, be aware that for many of us, although we understand that dominants may have these occasional feelings, we find that if our dominant is like this, we lose all sexual interest in him (her). Arousal has nothing to do with fairness. I'm sure there are women you aren't attracted to because of one characteristic or another; hair color, age, weight, biological vs gender reassignment surgery, etc. Just as you are allowed to be attracted to whoever attracts you, so is your girlfriend. Up to you to decide what you need long term in a relationship.

thetammyjo -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 7:23:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: Conex Well, I do understand. I guess I am not expecting her to be a switch... I just expected her to just give it an Effort. I mean, I was will to try out being a dom for her... I just wish she'd give it a fair try. I'm sorry did someone lie to you and say that because you are open to something, your partner must also be open to that thing? If you think guilting her into it will help, you're quite wrong. Part of the problem may be that you see it as kinky fun and an "effort" while she's had this orientation in her for as long as she knows. Hence why I said you need to get her to talk about it more. I actually think that in a very new kink aware relationship it is more than fair to expect each partner to try things out especially if one of them is brand new to things. If she had her own kink identity long before she may know that topping isn't for her but I do think it is unfair for her to expect him to fulfill the role of top but ignore any interests he may have in bottoming. You can't make her do this but you have every right to feel that it is unfair and to talk about your getting outside relationships experience. Personally if she said "no" to that I'd not be in said relationship any more but here's to hoping she can be as open as she expects you to be.

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 9:08:05 AM)
Forcing her is definitely the wrong approach. Trying to trick or badger her into it, even guilt her.. again wrong. It'll make you both bitter. However; It may be she simply lacks the proper mood or stimuli to arouse an interest in topping. Only she can decide what she feels interested in. With some people I am never interested in topping, ever. But with some people... in the right situations, I can really get into a mood and not only dominate but pull out my sadist hat as well. This doesn't happen for others, and maybe your girlfriend just isn't plain interested, but you can always watch for cues, of things that do interest her, and explore venues that you both like.

MidMichCowboy -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 9:32:02 AM)
I have had many subs ask me time and again ... will you ever want me to TOP or DOMME you? My answer ... no fri**ing way. There are a lot for whom submission is not just being your bottom. They want to submit to someone who will always be the Dom in the relationship. If you break that, you most likely would lose her. For me, its not problem. I'm pretty clear about that from the beginning. I never submit and I never bottom. End of it. Most of the ladies I've been involved with, would have it no other way.

sexisubi -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/1/2008 9:35:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy I have had many subs ask me time and again ... will you ever want me to TOP or DOMME you? My answer ... no friing way. There are a lot for whom submission is not just being your bottom. They want to submit to someone who will always be the Dom in the relationship. tee hee i would beg for them not to make me Dom either, it kinda breaks my reality and i might get into that mode and then they might not like it and take it back and then i'll feel bad... yeah! 'no friing way.' =)

Conex -> RE: Switch + Sub = Hmmm (12/2/2008 12:05:25 AM)
Well I talked to her today again about it. I told her about my interest in it and how I do understand how her orientation is simply not one to be a domme and she seemed please. We continued to talk and I asked her "If I were to ask you to spank, claw, hit, or otherwise use aggressive force on me for my own pleasure, would you be fine with that?" And she said that she would be fine with that, as long as I was the one controlling what was going on and telling her what to do. So I think we have found a good compromise. I appreciate your guys' input and it really helped me in discussing this with her! Thanks!

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875