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Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 3:46:46 AM   
COCODOMINANCE


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		I'm in need of advice.........   Does this lifestyle choose you or do you choose it?
I need  advice I know I'm naturally dominant I can't excape that and I also know if I suppress it, it will only lead me towards misery and deppression. My question is How do I plan to start my destined life and make it as exciting, fun, and whole as possible? I'm caught between whether what I feel is real or fantasy can I have a fulfilling life and how can I enhance my natural ability?
 
 
Please someone help
 
CoCo Dominance
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 4:07:13 AM   
atypicalsub


Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline 		Well you do choose whether or not to participate in the lifestyle.  That is, the lifestyle being doing scenes, going to munches and parties, etc.  That said, if you are clearly a dominant or a submissive then that is going to be a facet of your personality regardless of whether or not it is ever expressed in a bdsm enviornment.  At least that is where I see it from.  My personal experience in this has been that my Mistress does not make me submit.  What she has done is provide me with an enviornment where I am allowed to do what feels natural to me without being criticized for it.  Very little of what I do here on a day to day basis is any different from what I did in my vanilla relationships.  The only real difference is I get a lot of positive feed back as opposed to jokes about not acting like a man.



_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)


(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 5:51:46 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I chose this lifestyle, but I was dominant even before I did so. The so called "normal" vanilla relationships always left me longing for something more and males expecting me to cater to their whims were left disappointed.

This is a natural lifestyle for me and I love it. I cannot imagine going back to being vanilla. I find it very fulfilling and so does my male sub. How you make it exciting is up to you and your creativity. I guess the best advice I could give it to start reading some books. You may try these:

Female Domination by Elise Sutton
The Art of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin
The Sexually Dominant Woman. A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green

Good luck!
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 6:59:15 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		The important thing to remember is that though you may be naturally dominant that doesn't necessarily mean that you can naturally fulfill a sub.  Get some good books, get out to gatherings, talk to people - both tops and bottoms, figure out what you most want and how you can make a sub feel special while getting that want of your own fulfilled.  There is a big difference between being naturally bossy and being able to care for someone else's needs as they care for yours.  You may be great at this, but make sure you are informed.  There are few subs who truly only want to be "used".


_____________________________



(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 7:13:59 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I would say read a lot of books on the subject, learn about yourself, join groups in your area, and take your time experimenting as safely as you can to find your comfort.    M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 7:19:02 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		As others have said, get involved in your local or regional community and do a lot of reading.

I recommend also doing a lot of journal writing as you read where you comment on what you are reading and return to it later.

Once you are in the community for a few months and have observed/listened to others, try to find a few mentors, folks you can learn specific skills from but also whom you can just talk with. I say plural mentors because no one person is likely to have everything you might want to learn and being exposed to a variety of beliefs and experiences can be helpful.

Also in a few months of community involvement start playing with folks. I recommend casual and non-sexual scenes myself so you can experiment and learn. Experienced bottoms and subs can be great at this point but so can inexperienced as long as they know you are learning and don't have the answers. The more experience you get the better you can get a feel for what works for you and what types of person you are attracted to. It may or may not be what you expect right now.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 10:01:04 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Hi... uhmm. .first -- you're BEAUTIFUL!

Just had to say that... *grin*

you live in an area that has a lot of resources and groups... please check them out, go to workshops, meetings and play parties and see what makes you wet.. *grin* or really resonates with you... same with reading.. I would read too.. and see what really gets to you... and go from there?

hang out here too, we talk about ALL of it!

welcome

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 11:29:37 AM   
utopicus


Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		What I found is that the element of personal will (insofar choosing is concerned) is not relevant. If one displays BDSM traits, then it's a matter of wisdom to abandon vanilla relationships. I've felt that on my own skin, no matter how much did I want to be "normal" ("normality" as per general perception). Suppression of innate personality leads - I believe - to severe unhappiness due to self not being fulfilled.
I also believe there's nothing wrong with BDSM and if one feels the desires, one should pursue the lifestyle. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual and does not cause harm to society - nobody should be concerned with this lifestyle. Ultimately, it's a gift that should be shared with like-minded personalities.  

(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 2:15:14 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I also believe there's nothing wrong with BDSM and if one feels the desires, one should pursue the lifestyle. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual and does not cause harm to society - nobody should be concerned with this lifestyle. Ultimately, it's a gift that should be shared with like-minded personalities
The reality is that none of this is a gift.   It is simply about beings who have a different motivation/approach in relating to others, being themselves.   Nobody should be concerned with this lifestyle, but plenty of people are, plenty more are judgemental since they don't understand it, and plenty of others will possibly do harm to one who has something to lose.  

It is best to read, learn, join groups of like minded folks, and find where one fits, if at all.   There is nothing inherently wrong with BDSM, except for the way some folks execute what they believe it to be, and at times consent lines are blurred, and if you (generic you) are not aware of your limitations, you may legally get into trouble.  Some people will think there is something wrong with you, and for this reason, you need an equal dose of healthy ego, and not taking yourself too seriously.   
Welcome to the boards utopicus and COCODOMINANCE.    M



_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to utopicus)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 2:16:19 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome to CM and the boards!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to utopicus)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/1/2008 4:31:03 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Greetings and welcome to the boards..

The lifestyle... the lifestyle.. the lifestyle.. er, excuse me, but exactly what IS The Lifestyle? (this isn't addressed to the OP, but generally).

I mean, are we people who are able to think outside the box or are we so attached to boxes that though we claim to think outside the box we need a new 'lifestyle' box for when we are thinking outside the box?

People would think we're talking about signing up to a major religion or have attained some sort of kinky nirvana. The community of 'like-minded people'? When was the last time you read the threads in General BDSM Discussion? A meeting of minds yes, but similar minds?

Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

*kicks soapbox away*

My advice is that in becoming a domme the only lifestyle you should focus on is your lifestyle, your way of doing things, your interests, let your personality and character shine through, and go out with an open mind and explore, meet people, try things out, keep what works and reject what doesn't.

There's nothing here to conform to. Go through these threads on this board, and you will find a lot of fine dommes who post here regularly, for example Lockit, LadyPact, MsStarlett, LaTigresse, Venatrix, thetammyjo, Shaktisami, yourMissTress, DV, MoGA, and many others. All are dommes, all have something to say and give a lot of useful advice, but when you look at each and every one of them they are all in some way unique, individual, and each has their own individual lifestyle.

The same can be said of the submissives, both male and female, switches, male doms, and so many other people who post here, and I'm sure, if and when you meet them, they shine, they are individual, they have knowledge, experience, something to say, and their own lifestyle.

And it is this way for they do come here with an open mind, and share, advise, help, encourage, support, warn, discuss, and take part in the community, both online and offline, so that you can meet them, interact with them, learn from them, try things out, and form your own lifestyle.

This is not so much a lifestyle but a vast myriad of different lifestyles based on hundreds if not thousands of different interests, kinks, protocols, and so on which can take months, years to learn, develop, explore, and adopt.

Vanilla is conformity, which is fine if you are happy with living within the confines of that conformity and be yourself, but some people can't.

And that's why they're here. To be themselves. To me it really is that simple.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/2/2008 12:36:36 AM   
SthrnCom4t


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome :)

Being Dominant or submissive is inherent to your personality/sexuality, much like your gender preferences. Being bisexual would translate into being a Switch. You can find out a lot about where your starting point might be by reading both fact and fiction. The ideas that turn you on are a good starting point as far as picking out your next reading material....the "how to" books.

Joining this forum is a great start, and will certainly expose you to many opinions and outlooks. Ultimately, take what feels right for you, and throw away the rest. Like other interpersonal relationships, power-exchange is what you negotiate with your partner...completely customizable. Also realize this will be a wonderful evolutionary process for you. What first might make you say *ick*, might become a favorite activity this same time next year.

www.alt.com is another site catering to BDSM. As a free member you can get to their chat rooms and possibly meet like-minded ppl in your area, from the safety of your computer. As others have said, finding real time ppl to meet face to face is very beneficial. Many local groups have discussion and educational gatherings, too. There are also weekend seminars in all regions of the country throughout the year.

As you learn about yourself, you'll be better able to determine what dynamic is realistic for an ongoing type of relationship. There are many options you can negotiate, just like in the vanilla realm. Casual encounters, a standing date, an exclusive and/or romantic connection...all these are possible.

Feel free to email me off list or say hi via YM if you'd like to chat further....this is a wonderful lifestyle and you'll feel like you've come home!

_____________________________

Sthrn
Honorably served by OttersSwim

'The sign of a developed mind is one in which two opposing ideas can coexist' - Oscar Wilde.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/2/2008 4:48:54 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
CD: I found myself struggling recently trying to help a new domina onto "The Path" (nod to Stella's comment that all dominas are going to be different, there ;-)). A friend who's also an experienced domina came to my aid with this advice to forward to that new domina. I thought it might be relevant to your last question:

Really it's this: what do you need to get pleasure... whatever it is, make him do it. If you don't know what it is, just try things until you get that rush of pure pleasure. And it might be 'head, heart or sex'(TM) rush, doesn't matter, all three are delicious and if you can hit all three at once, then you get a full on Domme-space thing going on that you can't mistake.



_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to COCODOMINANCE)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Fantasy / Reality - 12/2/2008 2:06:35 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline 		Sometimes this whole thing we do does require some trial and error to enable us to focus in on what it is that will make us happy and help us to feel fulfilled. This nice thing is trial and error within the context of BDSM can be a whole lot of fun if you go at it with the right attitude...

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 14
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