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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 9:05:24 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster
... I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

assuage:
1 : to lessen the intensity of (something that pains or distresses) : ease <unable to assuage their grief> 2 : pacify , quiet <vainly strove…to assuage an implacable foe — Edward Gibbon> 3 : to put an end to by satisfying : appease , quench <assuaging his thirst>


I have to wonder if you aren't coming across, or actively seeking submissives who are in various states of sub-frenzy (as it is sometime called.)  If you habitually run into, or seek out those who have this intense need that is almost painful or distressing, then I imagine your perception is going to skewed toward wondering if they all needed that agony assuaged.  While this happens, it isn't a very realistic measuring stick to garner any genuine knowledge or understanding of the full spectrum and depth of any submissives nature.   If you tap in only during a frenzy, and only go as 'deep' as the froth that rises from that frenzy, pretty much all you will get is a lot of that dredged up 'stuff' you call issues.

This raises a great many questions in my mind, many that if asked might appear confrontrational or adversarial, and would probably derail the thread and get me mod-spanked so I'll assuage my curiosity by hitting send here and making myself a pot of coffee.

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 12/1/2008 9:26:24 AM >

(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 9:28:31 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Pain Sluts:  I have no comment.  We don't do SM

D/s:  My wife submits to me on a fairly deep level.  To my knowledge and hers, she does so for three very pragmatic reasons:
  • She is capable of it... That is to say, she is pretty flexible internally.  I think of this as her raw submissiveness.
  • She knows I lead well.  My leadership, heretofor, has been very good for our marriage, so she's inclined to play along further.
  • She likes pleasing me.  Heck, it puts a big smile on my face and pleases her indirectly so why not?  It's a net win to our marriage.


None of those reasons involve any "issues".  In fact, almost anyone could make the same decisions for the same reasons assuming they had the flexibiity I first noted.  In fact, I am so flexible and can easily see myself submitting in some different relationship with a different wife.  To my knowledge, I don't have any "issues".


i just have to say Leadership said it best and this post pretty much defines my current relationship with my Master. It's my choice to be where i am, i can walk out the door at any time. 
On the side note for myself... i don't like having control, i feel better when someone else has it and i just know what to do if i need to make the choice, i know how to live if i have no one. i am not a doormat, i am actually very strong, and try and be level headed even when upset but i myself don't like having control when i know someone can take care of it. On the other side you have a Dom, who doesn't want to lose control, it's a win-win. the thing i think people miss is that if a person has control it is importent to understand that control and know where you stand in the relationship at all times! Not just when you want to... all times.

i would also like to say, i have never met anyone who had deep seeded emotional problems (i mean huge issues) that was able to make a relationship work. With that said... people who enjoy pain aren't always the lifestyle-- just like people who say they are submissive don't always want to live it in their everyday life, and that goes for doms too.

i have met many doms that say i am a slave for what i do... but i personally see it not to be the case its just i am on a different side of the spectrum. Some Doms like satism... doesn't mean they dont want to live a nilla life outside the bedroom door. Some Doms are control freaks, doesn't mean that when they close the door it's going to be whips and chains... BDSM covers an entire area of people. Also you may find someone who is new to BDSM and don't know what to do or what to think about it all they know is that they like it does this make them better or worse... im sure we were all there if not still their so i would hope no. Just repeat this: My ways are not better then anyone elses, but hopefully I'll find someone to share them with.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 9:33:34 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline 		   I'll bite and I speak for only me---I desire a power exchange simply because I have been conditioned to 'need' control from another person.    The only difference is NOW I can control who I allow to control me.    So perhaps in my case you might have hit the nail on the head.

  As for pain slut--- I put my masochistic side in a box--completely different from my submissive nature.   As a masochistic is it all about me, there is an element of pleasure knowing that he likes what he is doing but really for me it's merely all about the sensation of the pain and my pleasure is not about pleasing him, it really is all about pleasing myself.    I like how pain feels---plain and simple.    I have never really explored why I enjoy pain.   I think for me it might be the altered state of mind that pain takes me too---almost like using a drug.   Even intense accidental pain can take me to an altered state of mind, and I  enjoy being in that altered state.    There are no thoughts at all in my mind other than the intensity of that pain and my focus is right there and no other thoughts can creep in.    Normally my mind has a ton of things going on at the same time and it's sort of cool to just be able to focus on ONE thing even if that focus is pain.   Once the pain level begins to decrease other thoughts creep in, but it's neat while it lasts.   

    I sort of like your questions even if they do not necessarily 'work' for everyone.    I like pondering who I am and why I am---not that I want to change anything but it's sort of cool getting to know how and why I work the way I do---but I am one of these people with fucked up issues from the past.     I do believe that my past has molded me and is a direct reason why I visit these boards and am part of the lifestyle, but it is also a part of me that I have come to enjoy and find rewarding, therefore I am not about to change that part of me.   

(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 9:47:39 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

a long time ago I confided to my first sub that although I met her through a vanilla dating site I'd been looking for a woman with specific issues-issues that fit snugly into my developing need to dominate a female, both physically and mentally. recently I've crossed paths with several  ladies on CM who I'd describe as more curious about than dedicated to the BDSM lifestyle, and through some of the hints in either their profile or through conversation I see similar patterns. what motivates a "pain slut?" additionally I find myself asking doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?

assuage:
1 : to lessen the intensity of (something that pains or distresses) : ease <unable to assuage their grief> 2 : pacify , quiet <vainly strove…to assuage an implacable foe — Edward Gibbon> 3 : to put an end to by satisfying : appease , quench <assuaging his thirst>


Hmm, I hate pain. I am also a better and more fulfilled submissive woman having overcome many many of my previous life issues. That's because now I submit from a place of self awareness and inner strength, and because it feeds who I am and fulfills me - NOT because I need to fill certain voids created by past transgressions against me.

There are some "damsel in distress / knight in shining armor" dynamics which do work well for those involved. But it would be a mistake to think that is always the case with everyone. The tired argument of "nature or nurture" regarding what makes someone submissive comes into play in your OP, it seems, and the answer to that is one, the other, and sometimes both. As you can see from some of the replies here, most of us are not submissive as the result of being broken or wounded. Some of us are just oriented toward submitting, just as many dominants are oriented toward managing and keeping another human, just as gays are oriented toward loving their same sex, just as heteros are oriented toward loving and enjoying the opposite sex.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 9:53:36 AM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Personally, this sounds like the tired, simplistic explanation for the existence of submissives/slaves/bottoms... that something awful must have happened to them to *make* them that way and/or there's something *wrong* with them.
 
Seriously, dude.... knock it off... it's offensive.
 
John



quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

I find myself asking why people keep asking this question.

How hard is it to grasp that there is not an "issue" behind every "need"?

Beyond that.....what Rover said.


I agree with these gentlemen (yea guys, I mean that as a compliment).

As for being judgemental, I sure as hell never gave up that right.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 12:59:49 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I am more emotionally healthy now than i have ever been. And i chose to look for a D/s relationship. It is in this relationship that i am most happy, content, and sexually fufilled.  Why?? I have no idea - and really, i don't care. I just love the results.

And just for interest - i had a therapist that said that D/s and sadism and maschocism were healthy ways for people to relate - abet on the far end of the bell curve.  As with any other type of relationship, there are individuals who aren't the epitomy of mental health, but this doesn't make everyone defective.

Does it really matter why we are the way we are? It doesn't change anything, or the way we act, and seems to be somewhat divisive. (knew i would get to use that word one day - hehe)

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 1:35:42 PM   
oceanwynds


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quote:

Hmm, I hate pain. I am also a better and more fulfilled submissive woman having overcome many many of my previous life issues. That's because now I submit from a place of self awareness and inner strength, and because it feeds who I am and fulfills me - NOT because I need to fill certain voids created by past transgressions against me.


Well said Nueva

To the OP,I submit because of my love to serve. There is not any issue here, unless you think I need to explore why i am happy?

oceanwynds


(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 1:37:21 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Noone gets through life without some issues.  Freud said that we replay past scripts in an attempt to master previous issues.  I agree with that to a substantive degree.  Now, add D/s dynamics in and the thoughtful, deliberate approach, potentially, at mastering past issues: potential for magic.  Also potential tweaking of issues, added horror.  It's about choice. 
Everyone has issues.  I think what a lot of people are keying inon is your apparent pathologizing of them, OP. 
  Davan

None of us are blank slates and one person's catharsis is on a couch while another's is on all fours under the falls of a flogger.  Each unto their own and all with potential validity. 
--Me

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to celticlord2112)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 1:39:59 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
Davan

*wave/hug*

I'm running out to shoot some casual pics for a coworker, but I should be back before to long and may harass you. :)


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 1:46:39 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		  Hey, if being submissive is about assuaging issues, then you dominants have issues a heck of a lot worse as I see it. If some deep psychological issue makes me a masochist, well, okay. The worst I'm going to do is self-harm. Sadism as a far less socially acceptable issue, since you could be torturing animals or people. If my psyche has issues that makes me want to surrender control, what types of devious issues must haunt the brains of people who wish to seize that control?

   Sure, we're still listed in the "Big Book of Things What Be Wrong With Your Brainz", but I don't think there are many people here who feel that being interested in BDSM is some sort of mental illness. But if it is, as you suggest, a flaw in the psyche of the practitioner, then you dominants are way screwier than we are.


English major's note: As an aside, if you're going to use a word that you actually are so unfamiliar with as to need a definition, you might just want to skip it. Assuage doesn't really work in the context you're using it in. Your very definition compares assuage to "pacify" or "ease". You can't "pacify" an issue, nor can you quite "ease" it. Perhaps, instead, 'soothe' or 'indulge' would have been better choices.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 1:58:48 PM   
moonvine


Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		I don't know, couldn't I just as well ask, does "power exchange" boil down to the dominant accepting the offer of power over a submissive's body to assuage other issues in his psyche?  (By the way all submissives are not female, where do male subs fit into your equation?)

What motivates a pain slut?  Well, what motivates me is that the proper application of pain makes me wet.  There's nothing deeper there, at least not that I know of.  If there is, it isn't something I'm concerned enough with to try to figure out.

(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 2:29:26 PM   
pinkwind


Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline 		A lot of people have issues from their pasts that impact on their lives now, those issues don't necessarily have to be negative in nature.

Issues of any sort do not have to impinge on a person's ability to know themselves , understand what makes them tick, know what they want from life and relationships, or damage their ability to find fulfilment with another.

i know i have issues, some dark, some not, and i have more than enough of a handle on them. i do not need a kinky relationship to assuage them, i sought out such a relationship with another compatible human being because i had the need to submit, pure and simple.

Issues do not define a person, nor do they necessarily drive or colour their need to be a pain slut or to enter into a power exchange dynamic.


(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 2:48:21 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		My belief is that there are many reasons people do what we do, whether in dominance, submission, S/M.   I don't believe there is an anomaly in enjoying what one enjoys when combined with finding a symbiotic counterpart, among adults capable of consent.   
Welcome to the boards sobayblackmaster.   Some folks here are smart, some are kind, there are some massive egos, and if you're lucky, you'll stay and learn, even if not always delivered in a way you enjoy.    M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to sobayblackmaster)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 7:00:18 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
Davan

*wave/hug*

I'm running out to shoot some casual pics for a coworker, but I should be back before to long and may harass you. :)



*Waves* and < hugs > to you NZ!  :> 
Ooh, the opportunity for you to take pics: cool. 
Okay, gonna go check my phone that was ringing downstairs that I was studiously ignoring; will give you a yell if it was you.  If it wasn't you then, harass at will and at your convenience.  :>
We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread. 
  Davan
(Who knows she, as everyone, has issues and sometimes contends that some of them are part of her charm)



_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to NihilusZero)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 8:56:04 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
How hard is it to grasp that there is not an "issue" behind every "need"?



Because some people need something to blame instead of taking responsibility that they are making a choice in doing what they do and they could make a different choice if they so choosed.  But if you have something to blame... well I have no choice to do what I do!



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to celticlord2112)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/1/2008 10:09:28 PM   
DelilahDeb


Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		FAST REPLY:
quote:


doesn't "power exchange " pretty much boil down to the sub utilizing her offering of power over her body to a dom to assuage other issues in her psyche?


No. In fact, hell, no.

A bottom, a submissive, or a masochist (male or female) exchanging energy (not necessarily power, but energy, and possible control) with a top, a dominant, or a sadist (male or female) is choosing a means of getting some of hir needs or wants or wishes met in exchange for satisfying some of hir partner's needs, wants, or wishes.

To put it more cleanly, your question assumes
1) that a sub who submits to you has psychological "issues" that s/he wants to have "assuaged",
and
2) that a sub who submits to you is offering you "power over her body".

If you don't know the difference between the mental exercise of dominance and submission, and the purely physical exercise of sadism and masochism, then you still have a lot to learn. Never mind the related but separate physical fetish of bondage and its not-necessarily physical cousin discipline. (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism = BDSM…and that does not include individual sexual fetishes.)

Lady Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to celticlord2112)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/2/2008 5:23:51 AM   
sobayblackmaster


Posts: 108
Joined: 11/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: sobayblackmaster

that's pretty judgmental.


Yep... what's your point?
 
John


first of all I apologize to anyone who found the topic hurtful or offensive. I was merely thinking aloud and perhaps you're right and it's inappropriate. my question evolved out of a chat experience I had over the weekend ( I now believe she's mostly a shit talker, however since we're both adults she had every right to bait me and pull me into her realm), and as someone already mentioned, one size does not fit all. each person has their own reason for the means through which they express their sexuality and I prefer not to judge anyone-lord knows what issues I have myself. I never intended to imply that anyone is "sick" or has been the victim of trauma. I had no idea of the power of that word.

on the subject of my seeking a woman with specific issues (btw-I have no idea where that notion sprang up in my own psyche, so go figure) my track record has proven that old adage "be careful what you wish for," as my subsequent relationships have subconsciously supported that archetype-I seem to draw such women to me.

again my apologies. thanks for opening my head up to the possibility that it was a potentially damaging question in the first place.

< Message edited by sobayblackmaster -- 12/2/2008 5:55:33 AM >

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/2/2008 5:41:29 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

It takes great strength of character to follow someone else's every instruction whether it immediately makes sense to you or not.


I agree wholeheartedly! For those who think we're just weak and unable to think on our own, you're just wrong. lol OH yes, and please let's not forget that every submissive is not a pain slut... I hate pain! But I LOVE to submit. I tend to never choose doms who are sadists. That seems to solve that issue for me anyway.

Dreamer

< Message edited by greeneyedreamer -- 12/2/2008 5:54:23 AM >

_____________________________

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I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/2/2008 5:45:08 AM   
sobayblackmaster


Posts: 108
Joined: 11/16/2008
Status: offline 		wow,

thank you. your response sets off a stirring within me, because you seem to feel where I was attempting to come from. I feel greedy and wicked for bringing it up but I have to deal with my feelings just like everyone else.

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)
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RE: how does she assuage her issues? - 12/2/2008 6:09:20 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
How hard is it to grasp that there is not an "issue" behind every "need"?



Because some people need something to blame instead of taking responsibility that they are making a choice in doing what they do and they could make a different choice if they so choosed.  But if you have something to blame... well I have no choice to do what I do!


I blame my past for my need for control in my life so yes I have something to blame.    I struggled with that too---claiming that my past abuse had nothing to do with my choice to be a person who is submissive.    I did not want to equate the two, but once I did, it was easier for me to accept this side of myself because I knew why I was the person I am.    As for your quote of do I have a choice to do what I do---of course I do.    I am currently not under the control of another person and I certainly will not relinquish control to the first 1 or even first 10 people who offer it up.    I desire control in my life but it is not a desperate desire that dictates my entire life so I would relinquish it to just anyone then turn around and say, 'oppps made a mistake but it's not my fault because I was abused therefore I can not help it.'   

         

< Message edited by fragilepieces -- 12/2/2008 6:11:38 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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