Because I can... (Full Version)

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MHOO314 -> Because I can... (12/25/2005 3:58:21 PM)

I am writing this here--perhaps it belongs in My journal, but I am writing here--because I can--first of all let Me say, I am not seeking sympathy or empathy--I need a catharsis and when I come here, I feel as if I am at a marvelous gathering, all throughout the hall, the library and the garden are the friends I have come to know--veronica is bustling about making sure the food is right, the martinis cold, and the flowers just right--candy is there in her feminine elegance, soft yet strong, opinionated--LuckyAlbatross is there, ready with opinion, analytical and wise--fastlane is his usual self--Irishmist, passionate, tender, yet she feels an aloneness--sweetpetjenny and so many more, so I come here to write--to share, to relieve--

The house is quiet, unmentionable sleeps on the couch, pleased at her gifts, the animals are all racked out in some chair or other--the candles burn, the music plays softly--and I am overwhelmed at this moment with such aloneness--I cannot believe Mom is gone, though she filled My life at times with manic drama, she was in deed My best friend--and now it is only the two of us, so many people that claimed to be friends never sent a note, a card-- nothing, today so many knew we were alone, there is no more family and no one called to see if we were ok---even someone who has been My best friend for years--not one call--(yes, a tad of a pity party, but damn---)--though we did ok--I'm surprised, we had our ups and downs with the loss, but we made it--I kept us busy-- I baked way too much, I cooked too much--I had to keep some framework, some semblance or maybe it was denial--

The boy has signed off---to go to a dinner with friends---I am glad he is not alone--for he is alone a tad but he is a happy boy like Me, sees the joys in everyday ( just last night a marvelous vmail that described the snow on the Cascade mountains--the colors--what a wonderful call)----and for years he has been alone at times like today, but the affection, the responsibility for his well being has taken hold already ( like with no other sub)--when he signed off, I felt so damn alone---like this anvil of weight--

I know in a few minutes I will be fine, grabbing a good book ( I actually get a chance to read!)--counting My blessings--a good life, the unmentionable--such a marvel--the prospect of boy in 2006---Tuesday is My birthday--we will be out and about hustling and bustling--because we always did, because I can...

because forward is the only direction I can go... I know there are so many others worse than we are, I do not make light of those, I only needed a moment--thank you for that--

veronica?? where are those damn martinis?




IrishMist -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 4:31:40 PM)

Hugs going out to you on this most beautiful of days.

Yes, this is usually the saddest time of the year for me; lost lots of loved ones over the years, and most around the holidays. It all seems to settle on the shoulders at this time. I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Is this the first Christmas without her? Mine passed last year, before Thanksgiving. Like you though, once the family and friends are gone, that's when the aloneness and lonliness begin to way heavy on the heart. But then I look around, and see my daughter playing in her room...a walking advertisement to that which is in the past, and that which is for the future, and I am able to smile again.

We trudge on, knowing that each day brings new miracles, new smiles, new laughter, and new tears. We learn to treasure that which is behind us, and learn to embrace that which lies before us.

Merry Christmas MH...and may the New Year bring you much happiness, serenity, and fulfillment.



MHOO314 -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 4:38:18 PM)

yes, she passed away in August this year, 40 years and 9 days after My dad--thank you so much, yes our wee ones are indeed the result of those that have gone before--and we look ahead---I have gathered from your posts some of your loss as well and have been touched by the reference---so where is that pesky veronica with martinis? Smiles--



IrishMist -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 4:47:34 PM)

Hmm, no martini's here.......but a good bottle of JD and I'll be set




mnottertail -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 4:54:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

yes, she passed away in August this year, 40 years and 9 days after My dad--thank you so much, yes our wee ones are indeed the result of those that have gone before--and we look ahead---I have gathered from your posts some of your loss as well and have been touched by the reference---so where is that pesky veronica with martinis? Smiles--


I am gonna glam on to alot this year, slick...........
So before you settle in; or mayhaps after........

What book will you read tonight? What book will you write to your children? (consider that) this post is in no wise (yes nowise) funny.

Ron



Nendarye -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 5:03:32 PM)

For many, the holidays bring home the cold hard shock of loss. For some, it's a time to look back and rejoice on what we once had; for others, simply a time to reflect on all that was never had. But through it all, friends and loved ones always remain...either in memory or in flesh :)

Those who have suffered loss that heavily, I admire trememdously. I watched Irish girl literally dig herself into the ground after that big ole bear passed away ( and that is said with the utmost of love for him ), I also watched her dig herself back out again. To lose someone, anyone, close to a holiday that signifies family, is extremely hard.

But, like said, its the memories that keep us going...good and bad

And no whiskey for you Irish girl...we both know what happens when you hit the good stuff [8D]



MHOO314 -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 5:17:07 PM)

I am reading the Bloodline of the Holy Grail and the book I write for her--" The pattern of our American quilt"---smiles, a nice post--



veronicaofML -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 5:59:26 PM)

veronica?? where are those damn martinis?
==========

You forgot to say---

wet or dry...with or without olive...large glass or small--shaken or stirred?
on the rocks or not?
napkins or not?
bar peanuts or finger sandwiches?

a gurl cannot bring what a Ms does not properly order..........and then of course i have my own Ms to attend yet......

oh my........they call it holidays yet i toil 365....




mnottertail -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 6:01:28 PM)

You will do well, MH00314.

Sincerely,
Ron



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 6:55:38 PM)

I have really been blasted by the past this year, in many little ways....

When I was doing my xmas deliveries, I did what I haven't done in 30 years---I drove down my old street on the east side of Detroit. I was amazed to see that not only is my old house still standing, it is well taken care of, with a wreath on the door (along with bars...) and big white house numbers! So much of my old stomping grounds look like a war zone, with burnt out houses and empty lots, I haven't had the heart to go back to a place that I feel was stolen from me so many years ago.

I haven't told my grandmother about her house. Now that she is having these stroke episodes, her mood and brain function are iffy, and I don't want to upset her. She gets very maudlin very easily, because she is terrified of dying, always has been. She is 97, and we have always figured that living to 100 was a given for her. For the first time, that doesn't seem certain at all. My grandmother has been a horrible person, and has been an insidious poison in all our lives. I used to pray for her death, inasmuch as I prayed for anything. Now, I just want her to have a peaceful passing, and not suffer by losing her functionality in dribs and drabs. My mother, her daughter, is living in still new zones of stress over this. My father thinks that the old one is just crying wolf again, as she has so many, many times before. This might actually be our last holiday season with her, and that is just unimaginable.

Thanks for opening this post, MH!



MHOO314 -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 7:31:36 PM)

I can feel that---We had many ups and downs with My mom, and the mental/emotional infection was so bad at times, it left My unmentionable so racked with guilt after, we had horrible fights because of her anger and frustration--but because of our love and My damned determination, we opened up an started talking, we do not miss the drama, but we do miss the good times in between--and this post has made me realize, I miss them because at the end they were less and less--Mom went quickly, we were blessed there--and I have been riddled with the guilt--you know the " I should have done more-"--ahhh we are such imperfect beings---



candystripper -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 8:17:25 PM)

O MHOO314; You have been such a gracious pesence here i am shocked to learn of Your loss. i cannot believe Your friends did not envelope You in love at that time, as You seem a lovely woman well worth having as a friend. i wish we actually were gathered at Your house as You portrayed.

Please take comfort in knowing You are well-liked and respected.

i will keep You in my prayers.

candystripper



MHOO314 -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 8:31:05 PM)

thank you candy, you know, I feel we are all very close friends and when we come here and have our discussions, we do have that sense of community and "kinkship"--okok play on words, buy you know what I mean--



veronicaofML -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 9:17:25 PM)

For MH00314;


Please take comfort in knowing You are well-liked and respected.

i will keep You in my prayers.

============

THERE IT IS !!



Sensualips -> RE: Because I can... (12/25/2005 11:38:21 PM)

quote:

today so many knew we were alone, there is no more family and no one called to see if we were ok---even someone who has been My best friend for years--not one call--(


You are allowed to indulge in a little self pity. I do think that people often do not intend to be thoughtless -- life just takes so much energy it is easy to become self absorbed, to procrastinate, to let things slip by. That does not mean they do not care. When you get through the pity, I'd encourage you to call THEM. Share with your friend the way you shared here. Friendships are also relationships that require communication and work.



FemDomHouTx -> RE: Because I can... (12/26/2005 5:18:33 AM)

Seasons drift over horizons a wave or nod then gone again
The next day comes to tempt or torture, to bring a gift or take a friend
Mourn the passing of the days for each will never come again
But revel in the new day dawning, hope and promise is in him

perilous to share your heart and risk the pain of final loss
more perilous to ration love, and pay what lonliness will cost
Live and hold to those that love you even when that love brings pain
Like jewels precious even when rough, those days will not be back again

When twilight mists dim your own eyes and final rest is quick at hand
slip into the warmth of memories of those that loved and were loved and
Draw them close in memories, feel their love so sweet sublime
And know they never passed from your heart, all that passes is just time




Psyclops AKA Hubby



MHOO314 -> RE: Because I can... (12/26/2005 5:19:39 AM)

Good Morning! Well too often we see posts with sitiuations and we never know how they get resolved-so here is My closure---My thanks to all of you for your tolerance, (you see everyone--Dominants have real issues too---smiles)--and of course you all knew it would not last long--and it did not, I slept sound for once, for the first time since August---and feel rested today, albeit with a cold--I have to stop taking out the garbage in My barefeet--where is boy when you need him??--smiles--

Life is different now but that happens and I am doing active things to help the change and help us adapt--it is nice to have a solid chat with UM without family drama in the middle--

I am again happy, positive, and ready to face the world--well I never really stopped--and this chapter becomes a new square on our American quilt--stronger and more beautiful by the day (you see Ron (mnottertail), it isn't lip service, I write the story and live the story every day)---and yes, My goal this year is to write at long last My story--

so where is veronica? filthy ones dear, straight up, chilled, Vox, and in My special glass, let the new party begin.



candystripper -> RE: Because I can... (12/26/2005 6:39:03 AM)

quote:

thank you candy, you know, I feel we are all very close friends and when we come here and have our discussions, we do have that sense of community and "kinkship"--okok play on words, buy you know what I mean--

MHOO314


Yes, Ma'am, i do know what You mean. And we are not a clique; we welcome new people wih good characters all the time. We care not a whit whether we are 'popular" on the boards, and we reach out to those -- like Michael -- who are in pain, in spite of our own sorrows. i am very proud to belong to this group. i am very proud to call You a friend, MHOO314.

i hope You know, You can email me on the other side is You ever need me.

candystriper



candystripper -> RE: Because I can... (12/26/2005 6:46:10 AM)

quote:

You are allowed to indulge in a little self pity. I do think that people often do not intend to be thoughtless -- life just takes so much energy it is easy to become self absorbed, to procrastinate, to let things slip by. That does not mean they do not care. When you get through the pity, I'd encourage you to call THEM. Share with your friend the way you shared here. Friendships are also relationships that require communication and work.

Sensualips


i believe by the time you have reached age 15 or 16, you have felt "no one loves me, no one understands me"...a terrible feeling which recurs in life from time to time as long as we draw breath.

Those who say "don't allow the feeling in; get rid of it by finding those less fortunate and you'll be back on track in no time" miss the point. The pain and sorrow of feeling alone in the world is a valid, deeply felt emotion...it deserves its day.

Sure, no one wants to be ruled by these feelings all the time; as long as we are alive there is something we can do to improve our lives. But friends are there to envelope you in love as well as to break open the champagne when you succeed. Gawd Bless our friends.

candystripper



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