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RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 6:38:23 PM   
CookieSlave


Posts: 74
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline 		Ya know, sorry, but the OP totally aggravates me.  OP made a blanket judgement about what she perceives to be "appropriate" and is, I think, rather insulting to anyone who doesn't follow her "one message is sufficient" rule.

I had, for lack of a better word, a "relationship" with someone I met online.  We intended to meet, so I don't want to hear any crap about how it wasn't "real".  To make a long story short, he had some things going on and I spent 3 weeks worrying and wondering if he was ok, and if his brother with the medical issue was ok, and worrying about how the *total* lack of communication was not like him and I hope there's not something wrong, and worrying about all of the things he was worrying about, and worrying about how could I let him know that I will do whatever he needs me to do to ease any of that.

But ya know.... I might not have spent 3 weeks worrying and stressing about all of that if he would have taken 30 seconds to send one email or something, anything, to let me know he was ok.   Instead, everything blew up into a big fiery mess where he said insulting shit, and I lashed back and said shit. 

This was not about anyone/me being "clingy" it was about a total breakdown in communication and respect.  If he had been clear about what he needed from me during that time I might have had a better idea of how to handle the "radio silence", and I might have been able to do what he needed me to do for him.  If I had been clear about what I needed from him, he might have been able to squeeze the total of 2min. necessary per week to keep me satisfied, and I might not have spent so much time worrying, because I would've known what was up, and he would've understand why I needed to email just to "touch base" and not assumed I was pressuring him.

Instead, I lost a friend and potentially something more, and someone who was important to me.

This isn't about being "clingy" or, on the other side of things, being "distant". It's about communicating properly and clearly.   Ironically, I hope I made my point clearly enough, it's hard to explain without writing a novel..

--cs

(in reply to velvetslave)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 6:58:58 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		Fox and I talk no less than 5 times a day. He leaves me messages through out the day as well, and I leave him messages as well. He lives with me, we are attached at the hip most of the time, and we are in contact even when one of us is away.

Clingy, IMHO is when one party is FAR more attached than the other and pushes their affections on the other. I dont consider Fox clingy, though some others might. I like it, so it works for me. If I didnt like it, it would be different.

DV



_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss



(in reply to CookieSlave)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 7:27:49 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		everyone needs to have reasurance in their lives some more that others. as some of the respondents have mentioned comunication and trust will go a long way to change the clinggy to just connected. it may be that the dominant may  need to explain how the submissive should express their needs. giving the submissive  honest comunication will do wonders.

(in reply to VampiresLair)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 8:47:12 PM   
SBJames1


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline 		Hi all, this is my first post on CM.

For me there is a world of difference between ‘High-Contact’ and ‘Clinging’. 

'High-Contact' is beneficial to a relationship. It is enjoyable to both parties no matter how much or how little contact there is. This is a result of the nature of the contact, the frequency, and duration of the contact. It is also determined by the personalities of both parties involved.

'Clinging' erodes and destroys a relationship. It is usually not enjoyable to either party no matter how much or how little contact there is. Again this is through a combination of the nature of the contact, the frequency, and the duration. Unlike High-Contact, Clinging can be the result of either one or both parties.

Here’s an example from my own experience: As a result of health problems (Clinical Depression), I sometimes need serious time to myself. I tell a prospective partner about this as early on as it is possible and appropriate – always before I ever even kiss her, never mind getting to the point of playtime. It is not unusual for me to talk about this on a first meeting with someone. I talk about it bluntly and more than once so there is no chance of it being forgotten or underestimated. Then, when the time comes that I need the time to myself, I explain what is going on and remind the person that we talked about it in detail and more than once. I try to give an idea of how much time I think I need. I often do this in writing. I also make allowances for necessary contact to the degree that I am able, even during time I am trying to get for myself.

I learn a lot about someone when the time comes for this to happen. If they say something like: “Thanks for the heads up; thanks for being clear and honest and open. I don’t like it, but we’ll work around it.” – then I know we are in a good place.

But I can’t tell you how often it happens that the reaction I get is such that one would think I had never mentioned it at all. If I get a reaction of surprise and panic, it tells me volumes about the person. Of course, it’s a big red flag.

Since I have informed a partner about my situation well ahead of time, if I get a reaction of panic or of lashing out at me, I know the problem has nothing to do with me and is something she is still trying to process from an earlier experience.

Another example: I was in a relationship in which we spent every weekend together – Friday night to Monday morning – in mutual activity; we then would talk on the phone every night we weren’t together. One time I had to be somewhere and couldn’t have one of our nightly phone chats. I then had to listen to whining about how we never had any quality time; this went on into the next week. That is unhealthy clinging. It eventually destroyed what was a potential life partnership.

I try to be compassionate, because I have found that usually it’s because this person has been mistreated in the past – severely. I go over what we talked about, try to reassure her that I’m only doing what I said I would. I try to reassure her that I am not backing away from her and that I’m only doing what I need to take care of myself. I also try to give an idea of how much time I’ll need, although I can’t always tell exactly.

I try to be compassionate because I have done exactly the same thing. I have done some pretty destructive clinging so I know what it’s like to be there. I know what it’s like to lose someone because I suffocated her by clinging.

Finally, I try to refrain from contributing to the problem. I stay as open and supportive as I can, given my situation.

- James

ps. Why does it say 'Vanilla' under my name?







< Message edited by SBJames1 -- 12/2/2008 9:08:41 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/2/2008 9:26:39 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		It says vanilla under your name because this is your first post. The applet keeps track of your posts and will change the more you post. I think it'll go from vanilla to curious, to kinky, and so on...

(in reply to SBJames1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 4:32:34 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I disagree entirely with the OP here.

The one thing I look for in a friendship or a relationship is 'balanced contact' between myself and the other person. This is my 'canary in a coalmine' that the friendship or relationship is functioning well and that it is progressing and developing and growing. My premise is that any sort of friendship or relationship is between two people, it is about two people, and a successful friendship or relationship only exists when both people want or need the friendship or relationship to exist to a similar degree.

Any friendship or relationship involves me, but isn't really about me, just as it involves the other person and isn't all about them either. I form relationships with dommes and for me her thinking that this is about her and that I am merely an extension or less than equal in that relationship is a red flag, and I will have no hesitation in moving on. Submission to me has got nothing to do with devaluing myself or thinking myself to be any less worthy of a relationship than a dominant.

I am 42 years old, I have a past, I have issues, I have emotional baggage that I am dealing with and also in being human I have feelings, emotions, thoughts, strengths, weaknesses, talents and bad habits. I assume that this is true of anyone and everyone that I come across, especially if they are my age or similar.

The one thing I seek in a relationship is compatibility with another person. The path to compatibility for me has never really involved making value judgments about the other person, and it never will. My path to compatibility relies on my acceptance of the other person for who they rely are, how they make me feel, and consideration as to what we bring to each other's lives and what we bring to the relationship, and what this relationship and person brings to my life. Hence the most important 'guiding light' along this path towards compatibility is communication.

To me, dealing with emotional baggage and issues brought into the relationship is part and parcel of being in the relationship. If you don't want to deal with someone else's baggage and issues then don't have a relationship. It's that simple to me. But we are all born, we all interact with other people, we all have to deal with life and cope with whatever other people and life throws at us, we all therefore have issues or baggage.

When the possibility of a relationship arises, I accept that some people are going to feel emotionally needy or clingy, especially after a spell of isolation, loneliness, or a string of unsuccessful relationships. This I understand and accept. I also understand that emotional neediness and being clingy stems from fear and insecurity, from not knowing, from uncertainty. None of us have nirvana or perfect enlightenment, I have yet to meet a person who is omnipotent or all-knowing, and I accept that in a relationship both parties have different circumstances and their own life, and throughout the developing relationship a variable need for contact and communication.

Emotional neediness and being clingy only ever happens when someone has expectations or is unable to see the reality of the relationship, or is out of touch with what I think and feel about the relationship or about them. We all need contact with other people, we all need to be accepted by that other person, we all need to feel that we are important in someone else's eyes and we all seek and desire to be loved for who we really are.

The only way into a relationship for me is to have an open mind, give the other person enough chances and instead of projecting into a relationship and speculating over what the relationship is going to become or what that other person is going to bring to you in the future, instead focus on the here and now and what that relationship is at that particular moment in time.

Personally I find it so sad that so few people today are prepared to give that other person enough chances or to make the necessary amount of effort to create, develop and maintain a good relationship with another person but instead expect the other person to come to them with a ready made relationship which meets all their expectations.

Part of this I feel is that many people go through life making assumptions about others based on how something appears and so few ever really want to scratch the surface, ask questions or explore deeper in an effort to understand. And to me, making assumptions and jumping to conclusions is a far bigger issue and deal breaker than emotional neediness or being clingy.

It all comes back to contact and communication. If I am developing a relationship with someone that contact and communication atkes on its own importance. I have days when I am busy, when I don't have much time, and I also have days when I don't really feel like contacting other people and I need space, solitude and isolation. However if I am developing a relationship with someone I feel obliged to at least leave some sign of communication whether it be a phone call, IM, text message, e-mail or even a letter, just to let them know that I am around, that I am thinking about them but I'm not as accessible as I am normally. I accept that the other person is free to be able to do the same.

Emotional neediness and being clingy has a solution, talking about why you are insecure and talking about your fears. Both of these only really become a problem if the talking doesn't solve the problem or it becomes a frequent topic of conversation. If you are feeling insecure or you have fears, own up and admit to them. It makes things a whole lot easier. Never allow yourself to feel stifled or restricted in a relationship, and if you feel that you cannot talk about your issues or your problems openly with the other person then maybe you need to stop and ask yourself why.

I mean let's face it, all relationships involve negative issues that both need to deal with together with finding solutions to problems.

The challenge in any relationship is finding the right balance, in keeping things mutual, and working together to make the relationship about both.

But if you work on the here and now and work towards finding and accepting compatibility, and discipline yourself to keeping your expectations of the relationship in line with the reality, then emotional neediness shouldn't be a problem and you will never be seen as clingy.



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(in reply to SthrnCom4t)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 5:25:50 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Brilliant post Stella.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 6:24:25 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I also have a need to be in close contact with my Dom, and while that isn't possible all the time due to work restraints, family and the like, we came up with some alternatives. First off I don't call and text all day, that would be intrusive. What I have found is a good way for me to get things out if by keeping an online journal that he has access to he always reads whatever I put there. It allows me to let him know what I am thinking and what i needed to get off my mind at any time, without 'bothering' him with my own clingy needs. Seems to work out fine for us, anyone have any other opinions or suggestions?

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to velvetslave)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 11:41:48 AM   
SBJames1


Posts: 16
Joined: 11/6/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks, porcelain26. Like I said... first post and all.

(in reply to porcelain26)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 12:16:22 PM   
frenchbitchchris


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline 		Humm. This is an interesting opinion you have.

I actually like clingy girls and so does my Master. My beta is pretty clingy when it comes to the men in the household and we like her as is. It tells us that she is always thinking about us. Yes, she gets huffy when we don't return calls but would you prefer someone who didn't care at all?

I prefer clingy vs an emotionless girl.\

--french bitch

(in reply to SthrnCom4t)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/3/2008 12:28:53 PM   
rosanegra


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		I had an experience recently that involved DADDY being the "insecure," one.

Daddy and I suffered a major blow to our relationship at his hands a couple of months ago.. It was ugly. We were in a place where we were trying to figure out what we are going to do.. although I assured him many times that I wasn't leaving, that I love him, that people make mistakes, and that I was ready to forgive and trust him again if he was willing to put the work into it to make it possible for me to do that.

It was one of those "life-partner," situations, that required us to step far outside of the D/s realm to deal with.

Unfortunately in the midst of all of this (because it was in the immediate aftermath of his deployment) I was porting my telephone number over to a new cell phone carrier. It took three days for the port to complete.. In the first day, I was able to make calls out on my new phone, so I assumed calls were coming in to it as well.

Daddy told me he was going to call, and while waiting for it I went about my business, keeping my phone near me. Nearly an hour later I went back down stairs and heard my old phone beeping. I had 7  voice mail messages, each more frantic, and by the end he was assuming that I was deliberately ignoring his calls out of anger or spite.

I don't even know how angry I'd have to be to deliberately ignore Daddy as he called 20 times.... but it would probably have to be something bad enough to cause me to end our relationship without any further contact, which would be highly unlikely to ever happen. Still, the recent events in our relationship had left HIM insecure enough about our future to assume that I was ignoring him, as opposed to their being some other cause for me not answering...

He felt really stupid when I explained the situation later... but his reaction to my not answering was one I might have had if it had been the other way around, so I understood.. and I did not get angry at any point.. I was merely upset that Daddy would think I would do something so harmful to us in a time when we really didn't need any additional damage.

Did I perceive his actions as clingy? No. Did I perceive them as insecure? Certainly.. but I knew the reasons for it.

Sometimes you have to put yourself in the place of the person you are dealing with. I used to be the woman who called 20 times until I got an answer... Daddy broke me of this habit by being the one to call me every day as soon as he got off work (when our relationship was long-distance) and stay on the phone with me until he was falling asleep.

I don't find myself as "clingy," in our relationship as I have in past relationships... and it is because I *know* he loves me, I know he isn't leaving, and I don't need to be reassured.

I guess it is odd to see it going the opposite way, though.. I mean, I was always that person.. but I know Daddy thinks I am the best thing in his life... and I think he is the best thing in mine. Sometimes we don't see ourselves as the best thing for the other person though.. and it takes a lot of communication to ease that... It is concern for the person you love so much. You feel like they could be doing better, that you're dragging them down, and that one day they are going to realize that.. and maybe you should just push them away before it gets to that point. Honestly, this is the scenario I have seen play out more often than not. It takes work to show another person what they mean to you, and you can never show them everything you see in them that makes you love them...Anyway, yeah, enough of my rambling.

It isn't just submissives though. It is anyone who has a reason to feel insecure.. and I don't know anybody who hasn't felt a little insecure at SOME point in their life.


_____________________________

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(in reply to SBJames1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/12/2008 6:58:55 PM   
PSsweet


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		Reading through these posts, I was kind of amazed.  Master and I are in almost constant contact, phone calls, texts, emails, and messenger all throughout the day.  I wouldn't say either of us is clingy (at work we both keep im on unless in meetings, it's not that we're talking the entire time, but just knowing that each other is there if something is needed), but I get anxious when he's not around and he likes to know where I am.  Plus, as he controls certain behaviors in my day to day life we need to be in constant contact. 

(in reply to rosanegra)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/12/2008 7:17:29 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I can have abandonment issues. I fight it hard. It's been ok with my Angel Dom. He makes sure I know he's there and he's not going anywhere. It's reassuring and I have self confidence so I can relax. It feels good.

Dreamer

_____________________________

Dreamer, owned and ecstatically happy

I am still learning... Michelangelo, age 87

Maybe some women weren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are suppose to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with. Sex and the City

(in reply to velvetslave)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/12/2008 7:28:28 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

one person's annoying cling is another's blissfull connection.


This made me smile, it's just so full of truth.

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formally collared 1/30/09

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 3:32:53 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: frenchbitchchris


I prefer clingy vs an emotionless girl.\

Since when is emotionless the opposite of clingy?

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 3:42:10 AM   
mozartsfuneral


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/2/2008
Status: offline 		Interesting topic.
As i suffer...but am coping with life long abandonment issues, i am clingy. Master knows this and deals with my *clingy* behavior accordingly...serious talks when my clingy, asking the same question ( Master, i know you love me...but why...) over and over again...and conditioning me when He is going to be at work and won't be able to speak to me until He has down time. Sometimes though, i do need to be alone and Master respects that, and i respect when He doesn't want me to show affection towards Him.

(in reply to Viridana)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 8:46:14 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		clingy people would be turned off by me because i hate smothered with affection and attention 24/7.  i need my space - a LOT of space. i can sometimes spot a clingy personality type or sometimes it gradually appears that i have to end the relationship. i refer the independent types like myself.  i do get that physical interaction i need from time to time however not all of the time which can be taxing on the nerves.

i guess my lack of being "clingy" stems from my childhood since my parents raised me to be more independent at an early age than dependent. i didn't need to be hugged and/or shown affection by them ...and i still don't.

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 9:07:51 AM   
swan70


Posts: 47
Joined: 11/25/2008
Status: offline 		This post was very timely.  Master called me clingy just a few weeks ago.  THAT HURT!  W/we talked it out.  i want to share what i learned here:

When i have an emotional need that is being ignored--i over-compensate by being physically needy.  i did not realize this until He called me on it. 

O/our resolution:  i needed Him to be more active in helping me with life issues.  i don't need someone to listen--i need someone to help come up with solutions!  i'm not a mindless robot.  If one of His solutions is a bad idea--i will tell Him my perspective.  W/we can continue brainstorming together.  If He disagress--and wants me to obey--i will!!! 

When in His presence--i ask permission to touch Him.  i don't just assume i can.  

It has been a few weeks since O/our talk.  MUCH MUCH better.  i don't feel the need to "cling". 

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 9:09:29 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

one person's annoying cling is another's blissfull connection.


Perfect. Thank you for this.
 
And to Stella: Fantastic post, as usual!
 
My slave and I are blissfully, deeply involved. Its heaven.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Thoughts on Connection vs Clingy - 12/13/2008 9:24:32 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: frenchbitchchris

I prefer clingy vs an emotionless girl.\


i'm not emotionless - i find other ways of expressing my love and affection towards others ...i merely don't "latch" onto people with bear hugs and kisses or whatnots.

i don't need to be around them 24/7, calling, emailing, texting etc constanly either. if i hear from my pet once a week via phone and/or email, i'm a happy owner.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)
Profile   Post #: 40
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