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Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 7:38:23 AM

Kapalua2483

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/12/2008
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Good Morning to you all,

What I am seeking is a simple or not so simple answer to a question but I will preface it with a bit of statement before hand. I am a younger Dominant man *24* and have been interested/persuing this lifestyle since I turned of age. I have had several experiences within the relationships that I have had, as well as one relationship where she was very much into BDSM and D's. I simply was at a different place in my life at that time though. Now I am in a place in my life where I am confident, content and happy with myself and can portray outwardly that which I feel inside. *Not all Dom's are Supermen :)*

Now the question is fairly simple but complex. When one goes through all the processes, Munches, Events, here at Collarme, etc. Why is it still so difficult to find a submissive/slave *I am open to both if they fit what I am seeking personality wise* Yes I know this is the age old question but I have followed previous advise from this actual board and the Ask a Master board of going to Munches, Going to parties, etc. Yet still I am just curious that perhaps I am lacking something in my personality or something else. So I come here to hear it from the horse's mouth so to speak *use of metaphor I am not calling anyone that!*

So if you will please dear ladies to help me in perhaps understanding through post or even conversation as to where I have some sort of deficiency. Because I see many men and hear of others that are not proper Doms and Masters. They don't care one bit for their submissive/slave's mental and physical well being. Don't care about the trust and love they place in them. Are even abusive sometimes. So I am trying to figure out what the key component I am missing.

Thank You,
Daniel

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 7:50:10 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Finding someone you are compatible with is difficult period, not just for those seeking someone in this "lifestyle".

Don't get caught up in the sub/slave thing. Just continue to learn and grow, attend events and have fun. When you're not looking, often that's when someone will come into your life.

Best of luck.

(in reply to Kapalua2483)

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 7:54:23 AM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
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It is difficult for not only a submissive to find a good master but a master to find a good submissive because not everyone fits your wants and needs. You may meet someone who is close but not up to par, sometimes one might settle to fulfill there 'right now' wants and desires. Seriously though, it's just a matter of someone who fits your side of the spectrum. Be a good doctor and have lots of patiants. =) you'll find her even if it is in the oddest of places.

_____________________________

bound by love,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIvvaqUdDm8

(in reply to Kapalua2483)

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 8:06:02 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
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Maybe it's because you're going purely to 'find' someone. I know that if I sensed that from someone (from any group I associate) I would probably stray away.

Maybe that's not the input from a submissive female, but still, that's how I'd feel.

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 8:17:21 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kapalua2483

So if you will please dear ladies to help me in perhaps understanding through post or even conversation as to where I have some sort of deficiency. Because I see many men and hear of others that are not proper Doms and Masters. They don't care one bit for their submissive/slave's mental and physical well being. Don't care about the trust and love they place in them. Are even abusive sometimes. So I am trying to figure out what the key component I am missing.

How hard was it for you to find a girlfriend in a regular world? One who was compatible? Must have been hard...after all you are now calling her a sub/slave. In other words you never found her.
Why when you label a person should it be any easier to find someone? In fact it should make it harder, because now you are putting requirements in. It is harder for a single person to meet every single requirement you have.

When I broke up with my dominant it took me 5 years to find someone I was suitable with. How long have you been searching?

I would stop worrying so much about finding the right person. Go out and have fun. That desperation does show itself to others you are seeking. Desperate is not exactly a good quality.
Also make a list of wants and needs. Only look for a person with the absolute needs you must have in life. The wants will come as love starts to grow.
The less you are looking for the quicker you will find what you seek. In the meantime go out and have fun.'

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 8:19:43 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

...Why is it still so difficult to find a submissive/slave...

it isn't all that difficult to find a submissive or slave if you are attending events, munches and so forth...they tend to go to events as much as the other orientations.

finding one that interests you and is interested in pursuing a relationship with you might be a bit more difficult.

quote:

...So if you will please dear ladies to help me in perhaps understanding through post or even conversation as to where I have some sort of deficiency...

what do you think your deficiencies are?

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 9:47:20 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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My only suggestion is to do as you've been doing by attending munches and events. You will meet the most submissives/slaves at those places than at any others.

Young Doms complain on the boards that they must be doing something wrong because they can't find a partner. Older Doms complain that they must be doing something wrong because they can't find a partner. Finding a partner who is compatible as a friend, as well as a kink partner is NOT easy. It takes time, perhaps years. I know Doms who have been looking for years and they attend all their local munches plus travel out of town for munches and events. They aren't bad Doms. I find them to be nice men and some have become good friends. They are just Doms who haven't found someone to meet their criteria for a sub/slave.

Let me quote a sentence from above. "I find them to be nice men and some have become good friends." When I was looking none of them would have satisfied what I needed in a Dom...no matter how nice they are or how Domly they are. They could be friends, but could not be the special friend/Dom I was seeking.

I would encourage you to keep looking but to also be patient.

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 9:55:10 AM

elegantalexis

Posts: 237
Joined: 1/1/2004
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It does take time to find the "Perfect Partner". My partner and I finally found the perfect couple who live the lifestyle 24/7 and within a week will be going to them as subs for further training. There is only so much books you can read, munches to attend and so forth. Heck, I still miss my fireplay mistress because she understand how I was.

Shahar

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 10:01:18 AM

Sakone

Posts: 41
Joined: 9/3/2007
From: Queensbury
Status: offline

It could be, because you are looking so hard things are harder for you. Sometimes the best thing in your life comes to you, not you going to it. Then again I myself am young and only speaking because this did catch my attention. I may not be a sub either, still do what you are doing, and some day you will met your sub/slave.

Kyle

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 11:27:34 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

We have a close friend who represents himself as a Dominant looking for a submissive. We've known him for about three years through local groups. We've been to play parties with him, munches, demonstrations, and other events. He's been at our home a few times for parties as well as just to socialize. He is in his early 40's, has a great job with a six figure income, a relatively handsome man (beth concurs), very generous, well spoken, well dressed, and, although it should be a given, clean. I enjoy his company and for the past few years wondered why I never saw him with a partner, even a casual one. One night at a munch I attended without beth, I found out.

Although he was, and is, very active on chat-sites and obviously very active in the 'community' his pyramid of needs had a very sharp point at the top representing the person he wanted. His submissive needed to have an ongoing career and source of income close to his. Her education had to be similar. Her age, no more than 30. Her height and weight had to meet specific standards. She had to meet his standards of beauty. All this presented and verified before even getting to compatibility issues concerning WIITWD and sexuality.

I no longer wonder why he's never had a partner.

Kapalua, you may or may not have those standards but you may be giving off in person the same sense I'm getting from your post - desperation. Who wants, or is attracted to that other than a person equally desperate? Are you having fun at the events you attend? Do you enjoy the people? Do you show it?

Have fun first, socialize, let your hair down; have the expectation as basic as "I'm going out tonight". The worst case is that you did. Meeting someone new, or learning about another event or upcoming party; is a bonus.

Sorry, but when I see threads started like this I react with a head-shake of disbelief. What's the expectation of the personality projected coming from a position of desperation? Of course being the egocentric narcissist that I am, I also think back on my experience. Six years ago, I was in LA less than a year. Not one weekend went by without a date, all knowing my 'lifestyle' desires. Some came from meetings at social events. Most came from contact derived from a profiles from sites such as this one. If an 45 year old, bald, Italian guy from NY/NJ can do that...

BTW - My standard and requirement to meet could be summed up in one word - FUN. The person I was to meet only had to be wanting to have some and, of course, put up with my sense of humor. They represented a wide range of ages, sizes, and shapes, and I enjoyed my experience with them, and think they would say the same of me. None of them wanted to live the life I required for a 24/7 slave once they learned it; some couldn't, some wouldn't, and frankly I didn't expect them too.Meanwhile, I had a GREAT time. I wasn't looking for anything more than fun. I never expected to find what I did with beth; but I had mind open to the idea that she did exist. The only think I knew for sure, is that I'd never find her spending my weekends one handed web surfing and entertaining cyber time vampires.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 12/2/2008 11:40:42 AM >

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 11:35:13 AM

porcelain26

Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
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If you believe you are deficient in some manner, that will show in your personality, regardless of how confident and happy you feel. The only thing you're deficient in is finding the right girl to be with.....and a million single, other men (vanilla and D/s alike) can say the same thing. It's no easier finding the right sub to be with than it is finding a vanilla partner....maybe even harder. It's the unfortunate nature of the game. And while I hate to say it....you know how the old saying goes...You never find what you're looking for while you're looking for it. Maybe you need to be looking for play partners and friends, and see what can develope from that.

Also, you strike me as being a very nice, caring guy...and it seems to me like guys like you have the hardest time in vanilla or in D/s. I'm definately not suggesting that you turn into an asshole, just keep in mind that very often, kindness can be mistaken for weakness and the best way to demonstrate otherwise is by doing it. Hence I go back to suggesting friends and play partners.

This is just my two cents worth, however.

< Message edited by porcelain26 -- 12/2/2008 11:40:55 AM >

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 12:18:51 PM

Kapalua2483

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/12/2008
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Thank you for the responses. To clarify it's not desperation though. I have been in quite a few relationships that were "Not" in the lifestyle and completely vanilla. I found them to be less than fulfilling from what I needed. I suppose it's more irritation that searching has proven fruitless. But I think perhaps not looking for a while is a good suggestion that I may follow.

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 1:26:22 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

When you're not looking, often that's when someone will come into your life.

That's what happened for me - wasn't looking, wasn't not looking. Was just living my life....

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

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RE: Sincere Question - 12/2/2008 2:31:13 PM

swan70

Posts: 47
Joined: 11/25/2008
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i have had NO problem with connecting with Doms. If anything--i have too many choices!! With that said--here are a few things that TURN ME AWAY from a Dom:

1) He is wimpy in his initial contacts with me. Be assertive--but not aggressive. BE POLITE!!!!! i've had initial contacts that the Dom is practically begging me to contact them back. i've had ones that they demanded it. i ignore BOTH!!

2) Be realistic. Finding a perfect fit 15 min away is probably not going to happen. Finding someone who likes MOST of the same things in a reasonable distance is more likely. EXAMPLE: my Master likes breath play. i do not. He assured me early on that He would not pursue that with me unless i changed.

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