He wants to be a sub...

He wants to be a sub... (Full Version)

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elegantalexis -> He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 9:31:03 AM)
I am dealing with my LTR boyfriend who is a CD. He admits that s/he is accepting of the fact that he is a sub, but his attitude at times puzzles me. He has a tendancy to attempt to top me if the situation does not go his way and I am only trying to follow what our Sir and Mistress is telling me. So last night, I informed him that I am posting here and seeing if anyone is willing to help open his eyes to what a true sub must do. I know his limits while he knows mine. Its opening himself to the ranks of slavery and subs he is not understanding because there will be one slave over us who is in fact training us to replace her in the relationship (health reasons). I will be immdiately be Domme over him while Sir and Mistress will be dom over all of us (I am a switch and as part of my training as a Domme, I am willing to sub in order to understand both sides of the lifestyle). So any help would be greatly appreciated. List your idea of what makes a good sub and how it is not all abuse, but the embrace of a lifestyle that calls to you. Shahar

CalifChick -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 9:39:45 AM)
You're looking for The One True Way, which doesn't exist. What makes a good sub in YOUR relationship is not the same as what makes a good sub in mine. I get... overenthusiastic sometimes and get toppy. A hard yank on the chain, so to speak, sets it to right. Cali

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 9:44:55 AM)
If only I had my clothesline T on hand and have him on it for a bit of time to realize that I mean business, that what s/he wants is not playing but an actual lifestyle. Besides, he gets sick of me giving him the silent treatment when s/he does wrong.

blondagebabe -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 9:52:18 AM)
Why isn't your trainer helping you with this issue? (I had to ask) Submission is not something you demand, it's something you engender. If he's new to submission he has a lot to learn. He needs training and guidance, and for you to make him feel safe enough to want to submit fullly. Just my opinion.

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 10:12:56 AM)
We will join up with Sir later this week. It is a LD relationship at this time and Mistress is in yet another state taking care of family matters. We are going to be mainly service subs, helping to care for their property while they are busy.

sub4hire -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 10:18:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis Besides, he gets sick of me giving him the silent treatment when s/he does wrong. Isn't that a start? If he gets sick of it..then it is punishment. I'd start communicating. Also trying to figure out what I can do differently to get him respecting me the way I want to be respected. I think everyone explores their limits at times..pushes just to see how far we can push. It's normal. It is your relationship so run it as you see fit.

DesFIP -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 12:15:35 PM)
Personally I don't submit in the absence of dominants. You admit you aren't a dominant but you still expect him to submit to you. I wouldn't if my needs weren't being met. It doesn't sound as though this relationship out of state is going to fulfill his needs. He needs a domme but isn't getting one. You're getting your needs met but he isn't. As far as giving someone the silent treatment, that's the way to make them feel insecure and less trustful of you. If you don't want that as a result why do you keep doing the same thing? And why have you agreed to a relationship where you are expected to dominate someone when you admit you aren't a dominant?

DesFIP -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 5:49:46 PM)
BTW why do you refer to him as s/he? If he's a pre-op trans then he merits the female pronoun. But calling him she simply because he cross dresses is abusive, degrading. How would you like it if people said because you were pretending to be dominant that you don't qualify as a woman anymore?

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 7:35:16 PM)
Because s/he suffers from Gender Identy(?) Disorder and it is her wish to be considered a female. If you have a beef with us, go ahead. All it does is make you look childish and immature and makes me think that you are quite discriminating against people who choose to live the lifestyle.

Lockit -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 8:03:56 PM)
OUCH!

CalifChick -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 11:42:52 PM)
I'm seeing childish and immature, but it sure isn't coming from DES. She asked a valid question as your usage of various and contradictory pronouns was confusing. Using the phrases "true sub" and "choose to live the lifestyle" makes you come off, again, as very one-true-wayish. If there's only one true way, why are you asking us? Cali

Lockit -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/2/2008 11:52:47 PM)
If he's topping you might want to consider the true lifestyle may not be calling him as truly as it is your own true self. Why seek validation from us... if you can't inspire his submission and he isn't as you say... hearing or understanding the call... maybe you all need to do some emotional homework and figure it all out. If you can't get him to do as you say, how the heck are we supposed to say anything that will inspire his submission and good behavior to you?

HeavansKeeper -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 2:47:46 AM)
At current, this topic is veering away from productive areas of conversation. There's no need for it. Elegant, I'm a male who orients toward dominance, but finds the notion of cross-dressing and submission sexy. To me, it's a fantasy which is dismissed along with the accompanying semen, and little more. What that means is that I do not have a will to serve. Once I get what I want, I am no longer interested in the role. The fantasy is over. I'm not suggesting your boyfriend is as ...selfish? as me, but that could be a part of what drives him: HIS desires. A true submissive is able to put their wants aside, preferably behind, the dominants. Specifically on the issue of the silent treatment, that used to piss me off when dabbling in my submissive fantasies. I felt like the situation was moving away from MY goal. Again, about me. In short, you cannot grab a person who thinks "I might be submissive" and expect them to grasp the most difficult aspect of submitting. It takes training, time, know-how, will (on both sides), experimentation, opportunity, and effort to truly(there's that word again) submit to another. To grow the mindset of "what does master want?" takes time. I compare my two Pets. One is my choice Pet, the other is a bi-switch-stray-play-thing that we feed, so she stays around. My Pet has only about a year in D/s, most of it spent learning by my side. She struggles with putting me first, but continues to try. She tries to stifle her wants in favor of mine. She does well, but has room to grow. The stray has more experience, nearly 10 years since her first serious inclinations. She, the stray, speaks and responds in ways that facilitate other's needs. If I ask her a question, she answers it, and offers to fix the problem. She makes herself available, and has learned an openness with submitting that is uncommon in a culture which favors independence. Do not worry - in time the boy will turn.

DesFIP -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 5:25:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis Because s/he suffers from Gender Identy(?) Disorder and it is her wish to be considered a female. If you have a beef with us, go ahead. All it does is make you look childish and immature and makes me think that you are quite discriminating against people who choose to live the lifestyle. You referred to him as a CD which does not equal trans. Perhaps you need to learn the difference. As far as me not understanding the 'lifestyle'. Come back in six years when you've been in a real time relationship, living every day in submission. Again, why do you expect him to be happy to submit to another sub when he needs a domme to submit to?

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 9:59:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP You referred to him as a CD which does not equal trans. Perhaps you need to learn the difference. As far as me not understanding the 'lifestyle'. Come back in six years when you've been in a real time relationship, living every day in submission. Again, why do you expect him to be happy to submit to another sub when he needs a domme to submit to? First,you tell us that the silent treatment was degrading. To me, it is a coping method for when I am truly angry because I do not punish people physically when I am angry. I abhor punishing in angry because I used to be in abusive situations when I was hit upon in anger by my exes for silly stuff. The silent treatment says "I am angry and right now is not a good time to talk or deal with me until I have enough time to calm down and get into the right frame of mind." During that time frame, s/he will think over what led up to that punishment and when I signal that it is safe to talk to me, s/he does apologize for whatever infractions has occurred. Second, I am a switch. I am Domme only over her. To Sir and Mistress I am a sub and that is the way I desire it. I have been sub for most of my life but had no true masters, just abusers who took advantage of what I was offering. I am lucky to find Sir and Mistress via here and if Alexis did not walked into my life, I would not know the lifestyle fully, just the abuse that I endured for several years. Third, Alexis does want SRS. Sadly, I fear she will not receive it due to the fact that she was recently DXed with diabetes and hypertension. I referred to CD as the first label she told me when we first met up. As our relationship grew stronger, she open up more about her needs and desires. What I love is her soul, which is kind and good, not her body. Usually I am not so wordy, but tend to get to the point. I feel like I have to write a book in order to explain ourselves. How tis for you to decide if I was being degrading or merely following the wishes of the one I love.

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 10:09:18 AM)
Thank you. At times I find being a Domme quite frustating, but seeing Alexis in a velvet skirt or a sexy outfit makes it worthwhile...lol! As I just told DES, the silent treatment is my coping method for when I become truly angry. Its better than hitting in anger and something a therapist recommended when I was taking anger management classes when I had the issues about being taken advantage of by my exes. Just get quiet and walk away until I calm down.

CalifChick -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 11:46:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis First,you tell us that the silent treatment was degrading. To me, it is a coping method for when I am truly angry because I do not punish people physically when I am angry. I abhor punishing in angry because I used to be in abusive situations when I was hit upon in anger by my exes for silly stuff. The silent treatment says "I am angry and right now is not a good time to talk or deal with me until I have enough time to calm down and get into the right frame of mind." I hope you explained that to anyone you use it on beforehand. To me, the "silent treatment" says "I like to employ stonewalling techniques instead of more healthy alternatives". The "silent treatment" is not the same as saying "I'm very angry right now; we'll discuss this when I've calmed down." That whole ESP-thing is not as widespread as some people would believe. Cali

kiwisub12 -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 5:20:16 PM)
To me the silent treatment is a way of silently manipulating another - of being passive aggressive. If this is your way of managing anger, i hope you have communicated this to everyone in your circle of friends. And told them that you would come back verbally when you have calmed down, and deal with the situation.

thishereboi -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 6:15:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis Because s/he suffers from Gender Identy(?) Disorder and it is her wish to be considered a female. If you have a beef with us, go ahead. All it does is make you look childish and immature and makes me think that you are quite discriminating against people who choose to live the lifestyle. quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis I am dealing with my LTR boyfriend who is a CD. He admits that s/he is accepting of the fact that he is a sub, but his attitude at times puzzles me. He has a tendancy to attempt to top me if the situation does not go his way and I am only trying to follow what our Sir and Mistress is telling me......clipped Shahar quote: ORIGINAL: elegantalexis Second, I am a switch. I am Domme only over her. To Sir and Mistress I am a sub and that is the way I desire it. I have been sub for most of my life but had no true masters, just abusers who took advantage of what I was offering. I am lucky to find Sir and Mistress via here and if Alexis did not walked into my life, I would not know the lifestyle fully, just the abuse that I endured for several years. Third, Alexis does want SRS. Sadly, I fear she will not receive it due to the fact that she was recently DXed with diabetes and hypertension. I referred to CD as the first label she told me when we first met up. As our relationship grew stronger, she open up more about her needs and desires. What I love is her soul, which is kind and good, not her body. Usually I am not so wordy, but tend to get to the point. I feel like I have to write a book in order to explain ourselves. How tis for you to decide if I was being degrading or merely following the wishes of the one I love. Is this all one sub your talking about? If so, why do you keep switching genders? If he were mtf, then shouldn't you always use she, and why would you refer to her as a CD?

elegantalexis -> RE: He wants to be a sub... (12/3/2008 6:40:50 PM)
Same reason the people use W/we to dictate their D/s relationship. I cannot avoid acknowledging the wee willie...[8\|]

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