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ElanSubdued -> RE: My two posts (12/3/2008 11:55:34 AM)
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Gladiator123,
quote:
BoiJen:
It hasn't been done yet so I'ma do it.
And this next one hasn't been done yet either and I'ma gonna' do it too.
Gladiator, I just read your profile. The excitement and passion you feel and exude is palpable. Your submissive desires resonate with me as they will for many. But, and this is a big but, meeting a human being, a *woman*, is rarely assisted by putting your deepest, darkest fantasies right out in the forefront. This is one facet of you, but hopefully not the only one.
In your profile, you speak of the Superior Female (and use other catch phrases) and you also talk of serving and of finding happiness in this. Frankly, any experienced kinkster knows these things and will filter through them. Now I'm not saying your fantasies are insincere or that they can't be transformed into reality, but you know what... the last time I met a domme and our mutual chemistry jived as a result of my admitting a desire to serve was... *never*. As a submissive, saying this and introducing yourself this way says nothing. It's like saying "I'm a door and I have a door handle". Well, yes. All doors generally have handles so you're not revealing anything. Dommes like to have some (or a lot) of control over their partners and they often enjoy being served. Submissives like to give up some (or a lot) or control to their partners and they like to serve. These are givens and they are about as bland as bland can be.
Interaction and courtship come when you connect with someone on a human level and your kinks, as a fringe benefit, mesh in an organic way. So it turns out that you and a domme both enjoy playing chess and you decide to meet at a local chess club. During the game, she is impressed by your skills and she enjoys your sense of humour. In short, she likes you as a person and decides she'd like to spend more time getting to know you. You feel the same chemistry. This, in my opinion, is where BDSM interaction starts - on a very human level of attraction as any relationship does. Notice there is no kink or BDSM involved. There are no declarations of service or of allegiance to the "superior female". The domme isn't demanding anything of you and she's not yet at a point where she wants to seduce you in this way.
At the risk of generalizing and of homogenizing, I'll say the following: any dominant woman knows how to push a submissive's buttons and to get what she wants, and even if she doesn't know, she's in an ideal position to inquire and to get the answers/tools she needs. Therefore, during initial introductions, the dynamics aren't really about how to get/give service. Just as in vanilla relationships, what's really at play is mutual attraction and desire, and these come about as you spend time with someone and both reveal yourselves to be interesting, balanced, multi-faceted human beings who (perhaps) share some goals. With this in mind, you'd do far better to carry a woman's grocery bags to her car not because she's dominant and you're submissive, but rather, just as an act of kindness and courtesy. The same is true in reverse and for a moment, I'll use myself for perspective. A domme isn't likely to get my attention by offering to whip me or by giving me the ability to serve. These are things I'm only interested in sharing with someone who already has my interest. So how can a dominant woman get my interest? The answer lays in catching my attention by demonstrating qualities that attract me. So she might remember my favourite jazz pianist and send a link to a YouTube clip she found. Or, she might start a conversation about a mutual hobby or ask my opinion about something where she values my advice. By doing these things, she shows interest in me as a person and demonstrates that I am, in some way, important in her life. This catches my attention long before whips, chains, and dommely prowess.
As to your OP, the reason you may have received indirect, negative feedback is that you're approaching the forums and finding a partner in an extremely cliched and dehumanizing way. This may well be unintentional, but the effect on those reading is to place you in the category of submissives who seek placeholders for their fantasies. One gets the idea that any dominant woman will do as long as she's willing to acquiesce and cater to the submissive's fantasies. Not to put too fine a point on this, but such an approach is common, tiring, and extremely unattractive. For point of reference, asking a domme to submit to your fantasies works about as well as combing a cat's fur backwards. However, here is the irony. Like anyone else, dommes are people and they like seeing their partners happy. I've had dommes submit to my fantasies because (*shock*) they wanted to please me. On the Internet and in fantasy BDSM literature, it's hot to think of a dominant as being the one who is served. In actual, healthy, BDSM relationships though, it's never a case of one partner getting their needs met while the other is ignored. Rather, each partner has an interest and desire in the other, and both work together while communicating, during seduction, and while enjoying each other. Using the "first base, second base, third base, n base" dating model, to offer submission before you're anywhere near first base is to invade someone's personal space in a most undesirable, unattractive way. This is why you've been somewhat rebuffed in your initial contributions to the forums.
You're in luck though. There are a lot of friendly people here and we're imminently forgiving (or we just have short memories)! So, introduce yourself without all the "deepest, darkest, I was born to serve" stuff and you're likely to get a much better response. You're also much more likely to catch a dominant woman's attention with this approach. It's a little odd for sure, but to get restrained, you must demonstrate restraint. :-)
quote:
eri:
The forums are not the place to "sell yourself" .. That is what your profile is for.
Dnomyar:
I thought that selling yourself in the forms was a big no no.
About eri and Dnomyar's comments, I disagree to an extent. True enough, it is against the posting rules to place personal ads in the forums. This said, the forums are entirely a place to show your intelligence, charm, wit, creativity, compassion, communication and writing skills, and a multitude of other desirable qualities. Despite the unappealing nature of the phrase, I really can't think of a better way to "sell yourself".
quote:
Gladiator123:
The fact I mentioned my preference of Ebony Women, opened up another door to false fetishism, racial fantasies, and an experimenting novelty.
You took some flack here for many reasons. The phrase "ebony women" isn't common vernacular and if common at all, is one often used by fetishists. Next, why open your introduction with race? At the best of times, racial references are a push button for emotions. Finally, if race isn't important to you, why did you mention this? I sympathize with you in that there's a bit of a double standard here and a catch twenty-two. If you are attracted to women of particular races and colour, I see nothing wrong with this. However, unlike some other human attributes, race is one that is often associated with negative connotations (i.e. racism). It has been my experience that certain topics are best discussed privately or in more discrete arenas than public forums. This is one of them.
Elan.
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