Identity, exploration

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Identity, exploration

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Identity, exploration

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Identity, exploration - 12/25/2005 11:05:12 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

It has been pointed out to me that one cannot be a sub without a Dom. True enough.

On the other hand, I believe one can "be" bisexual without ever being sexual with that other gender; polyamorous without having more than one lover; even a particular gender without having that gender's genitalia.

It is a matter of self-discovery, then--if one is lucky-- fulfillment of that self.

Over a year ago, I stumbled upon a new awareness when my hair was grabbed and my reaction warranted finding out what it meant. From those beginning inklings, I "had" my Dominant, and therefore I "was" a submissive. Now I do not have Him any more, and I am painfully aware of what I am not. However, I still am...

...me, whoever "me" is. Just me, just exploring. What that looks like right now is a lot of studying, reading, writing; some effort to be agreeable and please my husband; a little playing; and a healthy dose of hope and faith.

And goodwill toward men.

Cheers!
- Delightful Spirit

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/25/2005 11:10:32 PM

dincubus

Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline

i can see what you mean. my sub had something similar of an awakening with her bi side. she had been bi curious from one kiss from a friend a long time ago and until april/may of this year, had not had any sort of experience other than one she had at my place with another friend of hers. so it has been an awakening of sorts for her as well as bsdm wise. i have told her i will nurture her curiousity as well as her other needs. and it will be an experience for me as well

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/25/2005 11:24:22 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It has been pointed out to me that one cannot be a sub without a Dom. True enough.

Hmmm, I don't agree with that. IMO submissive is a core personality trait, part of your identity, just like dominant. You may not be submitting to someone at the moment, but you are still submissive.

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 4:52:22 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

It has been pointed out to me that one cannot be a sub without a Dom. True enough.

Cheers!
- Delightful Spirit

I do not agree with the above ( it goes back to the saying, " if a tree falls in the forest and there is no onw to hear, does it make a sound..."---one is submissive or Dominant regardless of a current relationship or not, that person may not be able to manifest itself to the desired degree but it does exist--it is the dyanmic that is missing---

On the other hand, I believe one can "be" bisexual without ever being sexual with that other gender; polyamorous without having more than one lover; even a particular gender without having that gender's genitalia.

It is a matter of self-discovery, then--if one is lucky-- fulfillment of that self.

IMHO, until the fulfillment happens, there is only speculation, desire, curiosity---it is the fulfillment that validates or negates the "perception" and perhaps that is what you are saying, but I don't believe one can "be" as stated above until one has validated whether that is what they want to "be".

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 5:04:46 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Aw DelighttfulSpirit, i am sorry to hear of your loss. My take on this is that Doms can still be Dominant when They are single; They can assume leadership or trouble-shooting roles at work and in any other circle they belong to. However, a submissive cannot behave as a sub; she has a life to carry on and often obligations to meet. She must be assertive. This is painful for me; i can only imagine how much more it must hurt when you once had your need to submit met.

i always welcome email on the other side. It sounds as if you'd like to find another Dom. One thing you might do is review your profile to see whether it shows you to best advantage. i'd be happy to do that with you if you'd like; i have had a hand in many profiles and have been writing resumes for my friends for many years.

In any event, i wish you much joy in '06.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 12/26/2005 5:05:08 AM >

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 5:57:07 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

It has been pointed out to me that one cannot be a sub without a Dom. True enough.

On the other hand, I believe one can "be" bisexual without ever being sexual with that other gender; polyamorous without having more than one lover; even a particular gender without having that gender's genitalia.

It is a matter of self-discovery, then--if one is lucky-- fulfillment of that self.

I think you'll find a lot who disagree with that statement. I've heard the arguments over the years that one cannot be a sub or a slave or a dom or a master without a partner. That's only true if you see those as "titles" or roles to be played. But when discussing them as self identities, as orientations, that is a different matter entirely.

Everyone's self image or self identity is an internal thing, its composed of our beliefs about ourself. One can be submissive without having anyone to submit too, that's a part of your personality. Just as someone can be dominant without having anyone to dominate. I'm still a carpenter whether I am currently doing that as a job or not.

But you are correct in that it is a matter of self discovery, of learning about yourself, about your own submissive nature and in what directions that is drawn. Having that nature fulfilled in a D/s relationship is a wonderful thing. But even if you can't find that relationship, you are still who you are.

I wrote an essay that deals with self image for slaves which I shared in this thread.
The Slave's Heart (essay)
You might find it interesting reading.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 6:02:39 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

DelightfulSpirit; Padriag's essay i wonderful. It is so hard to find worthwhile and reliable information on the 'net about something as personal as developing one's submissive nture.

i have a blog; if you email me on the other side i'll give you the URL.

candystripper

(in reply to Padriag)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 7:12:40 AM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

My take on this is that Doms can still be Dominant when They are single; They can assume leadership or trouble-shooting roles at work and in any other circle they belong to. However, a submissive cannot behave as a sub; she has a life to carry on and often obligations to meet. She must be assertive.

I am completely baffled by this statement. So when a submissive is with a Dom she has no life, no obligations, and is never assertive?

(in reply to candystripper)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 7:17:29 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

It has been pointed out to me that one cannot be a sub without a Dom. True enough.

On the other hand, I believe one can "be" bisexual without ever being sexual with that other gender; polyamorous without having more than one lover; even a particular gender without having that gender's genitalia.

It is a matter of self-discovery, then--if one is lucky-- fulfillment of that self.

Over a year ago, I stumbled upon a new awareness when my hair was grabbed and my reaction warranted finding out what it meant. From those beginning inklings, I "had" my Dominant, and therefore I "was" a submissive. Now I do not have Him any more, and I am painfully aware of what I am not. However, I still am...

...me, whoever "me" is. Just me, just exploring. What that looks like right now is a lot of studying, reading, writing; some effort to be agreeable and please my husband; a little playing; and a healthy dose of hope and faith.

And goodwill toward men.

Cheers!
- Delightful Spirit

I, personally, split things up between my personality and my orientation and my relationship roles.

I am a dominant sadist -- that's part of my orientation and my personality.

I am not a mistress (in my opinion) unless I have someone to be mistress of -- I see mistress as a role/relationship position.

You'll figure out who you are as you explore and grow. Please give yourself time to heal from your loss and also I suggest not rushing into any new relationship. Get involved in a community (if you can find one) and experience the wonder of being you.

In my opinion and experience, if you are a submissive this process of self discovery will make you so much more interesting to your future dominant and perhaps help you find greater happiness and fulfillment. But then life is a long journey (hopefully).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 7:21:03 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

Aw DelighttfulSpirit, i am sorry to hear of your loss. My take on this is that Doms can still be Dominant when They are single; They can assume leadership or trouble-shooting roles at work and in any other circle they belong to. However, a submissive cannot behave as a sub; she has a life to carry on and often obligations to meet. She must be assertive. This is painful for me; i can only imagine how much more it must hurt when you once had your need to submit met.

candystripper

I've known several people who define themselves as submissive but when between or without a dominant find other ways to express their submissive. Charities, friendships, religious institutions, etc.

But then they (and I) define submission as very service focused so they can do service for a variety of people and places and events. As one may imagine I do tend to get closer to kinky folks who have similar definitions to mine though I certainly do not judge potential friends on this basis (only partners ;-))

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to candystripper)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 8:03:28 AM

wolffeathers

Posts: 315
Joined: 8/6/2005
From: Clearwater
Status: offline

As most, I disagree with the OP.

Even when I don't have a slave/sub, I am still dominate, perhaps not A DOMINATE, but I'm still dominate.

Now, I will give that you can't be a Master without a slave.

As, to me, Master is a title, not personality.

You can be submissive, dominate, switch in your day to day life.

Hell, there are those I'm slightly submissive to (either because I have to, aka boss, or because I respect them enough to do as they suggest).

So, no, being dominate or submissive doesn't require someone else.

Unless your only dominate or submissive in play.

_____________________________

It's my way or the highway. Just happens that the highway is on my way.

~Master Wolf

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 8:09:56 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Much like everyone else, I disagree with the statement that one can not be submissive without a Dom.

quote:

So, no, being dominate or submissive doesn't require someone else.

Unless your only dominate or submissive in play.

Absolutly :)

(in reply to DelightfulSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 8:34:05 AM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

quote:

My take on this is that Doms can still be Dominant when They are single; They can assume leadership or trouble-shooting roles at work and in any other circle they belong to. However, a submissive cannot behave as a sub; she has a life to carry on and often obligations to meet. She must be assertive.

I am completely baffled by this statement. So when a submissive is with a Dom she has no life, no obligations, and is never assertive?

That's correct. When a submissive is with a Dom he hires a housekeeper and does all the cooking himself. The submissive's role is to keep her hair and nails done and lay on the bed alluringly. That sounds like no life to me

(in reply to Sensualips)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: Identity, exploration - 12/26/2005 2:10:13 PM

DelightfulSpirit

Posts: 22
Joined: 11/23/2005
Status: offline

Dear candystripper and everyone else,

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

Aw DelighttfulSpirit, i am sorry to hear of your loss. My take on this is that Doms can still be Dominant when They are single; They can assume leadership or trouble-shooting roles at work and in any other circle they belong to. However, a submissive cannot behave as a sub; she has a life to carry on and often obligations to meet. She must be assertive. This is painful for me; i can only imagine how much more it must hurt when you once had your need to submit met.
candystripper

Thank you, you do understand. Yes, and to whoever it was a little later in the threat who didn't understand candystripper's words, I do. understand Hmmm, the distinction is this: When in a D/s relationship (not just scenes) I felt an encompassing sense of presence of and service to the Dominant. Sure, all the actions might be exactly the same, just as assertive, take charge of tasks and aspects of my own life, but I was often thinking about how He might think, approve or not, etc., of how I was handling things. Without that, I am in charge of the tasks, the aspects, and even the *approval*, myself. It's OK, it's good, I am after all and always was a full person on my own. It's just that I miss that other feeling of presence.

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

(in reply to candystripper)

Profile

Post #: 14