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New to lifestyle - 12/2/2008 10:04:00 PM   
VelvetBlindfold


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hello, I believe im new to the BDSM lifestyle. Im a 26 year old male. I have experimented with rope, toys, etc and anal play( both dom and sub). I really feel that I am an open person and i want to keep exploring. My question is. Where is the best place to go for safe practice. Meeting women at clubs and bars seems to not be working. I love to explore and im not sure where to go in a social setting to meet women who can teach me and possibly open my view to new experiences.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/2/2008 10:08:53 PM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		There have to be about 7000 lifestyle events and dungeons and groups and munches in LA....you need to look them up and attend what interests you.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to VelvetBlindfold)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/2/2008 10:42:02 PM   
NoFury


Posts: 18
Joined: 11/28/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with Persephone. Also, if you want to try your luck with ladies you meet in vanilla venues, go slow.  Ask in a non-sexual setting if they ever fantasize about sexual control..."Do you fantasize about being tied up?" or "Do you fantasize about being in total contral in a sexual situation?" and just follow their lead...

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 5:10:24 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Is the Chateau still in business down there in southern Cal?

(in reply to NoFury)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 6:03:36 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I recommend that you regularly attend local workshops and demos.  That's the best place to learn B/D and S/M skills, with personal supervision.  And if that's too much trouble, then I'd have to question your commitment from the outset.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to VelvetBlindfold)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 7:26:59 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VelvetBlindfold

Hello, I believe im new to the BDSM lifestyle. Im a 26 year old male. I have experimented with rope, toys, etc and anal play( both dom and sub). I really feel that I am an open person and i want to keep exploring. My question is. Where is the best place to go for safe practice. Meeting women at clubs and bars seems to not be working. I love to explore and im not sure where to go in a social setting to meet women who can teach me and possibly open my view to new experiences.


Reach the destination within before seeking it without, for being open and handy with erotic parlor tricks isn't enough. From my experience, those who wish to take D/s seriously are still rare birds; they dream in intensity, and tend to be looking for something more specific. A young male "explorer" who professes to be an open-minded switch with a willing heinie is unwittingly joining the slush pile of countless other disposable drones. Get past the idea of building up a throne of knowledge and know what propels you. That is what's important.

You could of course attend leather get-togethers and play parties in the meantime. In any venue, your success depends upon how seriously you take this stuff.

(in reply to VelvetBlindfold)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 9:16:23 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

Reach the destination within before seeking it without, for being open and handy with erotic parlor tricks isn't enough.


Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.  I cannot believe that anyone (including you, or me for that matter) reached any destination before venturing out into the world of BDSM. 
 
And why isn't it enough... because it's not enough for you?

quote:


From my experience, those who wish to take D/s seriously are still rare birds; they dream in intensity, and tend to be looking for something more specific.


Who says he's interested in taking D/s seriously?  The OP didn't mention anything like that at all.

quote:


A young male "explorer" who professes to be an open-minded switch with a willing heinie is unwittingly joining the slush pile of countless other disposable drones. Get past the idea of building up a throne of knowledge and know what propels you. That is what's important.


A young male "scholar" who professes to be able to divine the needs of complete strangers via the computer is unwittingly joining the slush pile of countless other disposable cyber Dominants.  Get past the idea that you have developed a throne of knowledge that propels others.  Or that you know what is (or should be) important to them.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 9:23:37 AM   
mystickoolaid


Posts: 519
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline 		Oh snap!

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 9:27:38 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

Reach the destination within before seeking it without, for being open and handy with erotic parlor tricks isn't enough.


Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.  I cannot believe that anyone (including you, or me for that matter) reached any destination before venturing out into the world of BDSM. 
 
And why isn't it enough... because it's not enough for you?




John,

How is what is quoted above any different than submissives and slave continuously being told to "know thyself first" before submitting, as they won't have as much to offer otherwise? I read this the same, only applied to dominants.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 9:32:12 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

Reach the destination within before seeking it without, for being open and handy with erotic parlor tricks isn't enough.


Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.  I cannot believe that anyone (including you, or me for that matter) reached any destination before venturing out into the world of BDSM. 
 
And why isn't it enough... because it's not enough for you?




John,

How is what is quoted above any different than submissives and slave continuously being told to "know thyself first" before submitting, as they won't have as much to offer otherwise? I read this the same, only applied to dominants.


NV, it's no different, in my view.  Both are equally wrong.  How can anyone "know" that they're "really" submissive or slave or pain slut or... anything, before they actually try it out a few times (with a few different people since the choice of partner greatly affects the outcome)?  It's all gratuitous garbage, in my opinion.  Of course, I don't speak for the entirety of Leather on this, or any other, subject.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 9:42:40 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover


NV, it's no different, in my view.  Both are equally wrong.  How can anyone "know" that they're "really" submissive or slave or pain slut or... anything, before they actually try it out a few times (with a few different people since the choice of partner greatly affects the outcome)?  It's all gratuitous garbage, in my opinion.  Of course, I don't speak for the entirety of Leather on this, or any other, subject.
 
John


I'll agree with you in that no one can speak for the entire community, but only from what they view as their experiences, opinions, and internal knowledge, and what may be gratuitous garbage for one might be perfect advice for another.

That said, I used to feel as you do, although lately I learned that knowing myself and what makes me tick has been invaluable in understanding what is best for me "out there." And while I couldn't know that I am not a pain slut until I actually went out and experienced pain, I could come to understand the emotions that feed and drive me without experiencing any of it. For me, it's the connection with someone that I sought/seek, not the physical experiences. The fulfillment in giving myself over is what feeds my spirit; The "BDSM play" is icing on an already sweet cake for me.

Turning the tables, however, I would not want to put myself in the hands of someone who could not effectively mentally and emotionally lead me. And I'm not sure one could lead me in such a manner without knowing oneself internally, first.

While I agree that "know thyself" isn't an absolute necessity before starting out, I don't discount the value of that advice, either.

My two cents.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 10:58:15 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

That said, I used to feel as you do, although lately I learned that knowing myself and what makes me tick has been invaluable in understanding what is best for me "out there."


I don't disagree with that at all.  But that's not the same as saying that you have to reach that destination... complete that journey... before seeking anything out.  What you said is common sense.  What he said was preposterous.

quote:


And while I couldn't know that I am not a pain slut until I actually went out and experienced pain, I could come to understand the emotions that feed and drive me without experiencing any of it.


Actually, you could only understand the emotions that caused you to fantasize about it.  That's a far cry from experiencing it, or understanding the emotions that result from that experience.  Fantasy is a good predictor of what excites us, but it cannot prepare us for the reality of that experience.

quote:


For me, it's the connection with someone that I sought/seek, not the physical experiences. The fulfillment in giving myself over is what feeds my spirit; The "BDSM play" is icing on an already sweet cake for me.


And that's fine for you.  But that's not fine for everyone.  Marc's post was inappropriate for exactly that reason... that he assumes everyone is looking for the same thing.  We're not.
 
In fact, sensation play constitutes the vast majority of BDSM, and power exchange relationships are tne decided minority.  So to assume that the OP is seeking out some power exchange relationship is purely conjecture, as he does not say anything of the sort in his post.

quote:


Turning the tables, however, I would not want to put myself in the hands of someone who could not effectively mentally and emotionally lead me. And I'm not sure one could lead me in such a manner without knowing oneself internally, first.


Honestly, until that person has done lead someone, or lead you, they have no idea whether they really "know themselves".  Using this logic, no one would ever consider a Dominant that was not very well experienced, because there would be no assurity that they "know themselves".  It sounds great, NV.  It makes for a wonderful slogan... "Know yourself first"... gosh, it sounds so... so... learned.  It's just not very practicle.

quote:


While I agree that "know thyself" isn't an absolute necessity before starting out, I don't discount the value of that advice, either.


And now we're back in agreement.  Is it beneficial for anyone to know themselves, regardless of lifestyle, before starting out in a relationship?  Of course.  It's valuable adivice.  But like most advice, no one ever lives it.  And in this case it's not even realistic to believe that it could be lived.

quote:


My two cents.


Between the two of us, we're only a penny short of a nickel.
 
John

And now we

< Message edited by Rover -- 12/3/2008 11:01:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:16:04 AM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.



Hi Rover,

Oh yes, of course. Let me add in the (obviously needed) disclaimer: What I share here is an opinion based upon my experiences, as all opinions shared here tend to be. Read with caution!



And I still think you were wrong about the First Amendment.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:16:44 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

And now we're back in agreement.  Is it beneficial for anyone to know themselves, regardless of lifestyle, before starting out in a relationship?  Of course.  It's valuable adivice.  But like most advice, no one ever lives it.  And in this case it's not even realistic to believe that it could be lived.


Thanks for replying, John. I wanted to comment on this part, as it struck me that while no one ever really finishes "knowing themselves" in this life, given we are constantly evolving and learning, I believe it is still good advice to give, as it keeps us aware that ultimately, striving to know ourselves - who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow - is a good thing, whether or not we actually achieve it.


quote:


Between the two of us, we're only a penny short of a nickel.
 
John




Well that's more than I started out with, so I'll take it!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:37:28 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Thanks for replying, John. I wanted to comment on this part, as it struck me that while no one ever really finishes "knowing themselves" in this life, given we are constantly evolving and learning, I believe it is still good advice to give, as it keeps us aware that ultimately, striving to know ourselves - who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow - is a good thing, whether or not we actually achieve it.


But it's bad advice to tell people that they should accomplish the impossible before setting out to experience BDSM (to say nothing of being hypocritical as no one has done so).  Honestly, Leather is just so full of hokey, pseudo-intellectual garbage that reflects poorly on us all, because there are so many of us who are anxiously willing to defend it (not saying that's you... there's a veritable army "out there"). 


quote:


quote:


Between the two of us, we're only a penny short of a nickel.

Well that's more than I started out with, so I'll take it!


Hey, half of it is mine!  ;)
 
John

< Message edited by Rover -- 12/3/2008 11:38:58 AM >

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:40:23 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Hey, half of it is mine!  ;)
 
John


Together we can go share a piece of bubblegum.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:41:44 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.



Hi Rover,

Oh yes, of course. Let me add in the (obviously needed) disclaimer: What I share here is an opinion based upon my experiences, as all opinions shared here tend to be. Read with caution!


And I'm saying that your opinion is logically flawed and realistically challenged.  But it's yours to have.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:42:50 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Hey, half of it is mine!  ;)
 
John


Together we can go share a piece of bubblegum.


You cut, I choose.  ;)
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 11:45:08 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		LOL perfect!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New to lifestyle - 12/3/2008 1:42:27 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Great rhetoric, but not very relevant.



Hi Rover,

Oh yes, of course. Let me add in the (obviously needed) disclaimer: What I share here is an opinion based upon my experiences, as all opinions shared here tend to be. Read with caution!


And I'm saying that your opinion is logically flawed and realistically challenged. But it's yours to have.




Hi John,

Well, thanks for recognizing what I express as opinion and not "rhetoric"—a claim twice made that speaks more about you than it does me. It may come as no great surprise, but I find your opinions equally flawed and tinged, but they are, as you say, yours to have in turn. *Yawn.




< Message edited by MarcEsadrian -- 12/3/2008 1:43:26 PM >

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 20
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