~~When the Hallway Narrows~~

~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (Full Version)

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SteelofUtah -> ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 9:12:53 AM)
Hello Folks, Been reading alot here and there about searching and where it will eventually go and I wanted to offer my experience as well as ask for other peoples. More than that though I am hoping that people will explain thier thought process when it comes to the Search for a partner in crime in WIITWD. I didn't want to derail another thread but in lally3's thread "oh good lord!!!" it seems like there are so many pots on the stove ready to boil over that eventually someone is going to be left by the wayside. I call it the Narrowing Hallway Effect. I believe it happens more with women than it does with men, but my reasons for this are varied and the exceptions can at times be greater than the rule. In the Narrowing Hallway you have a situation where the flirtation and non serious relationships you begin to foster eventually start to head down the hallway toward the direction of a physical and committed relationship but as it does the hallway narrows and all these little bubbles of human interastion start to collide as there are more requests or desires for commitment and less acceptance of what-ever-happens-happens. I may be Poly, and to some degree even though I didn't always know it, always have been, but when it comes to dating I have always had tunnel vision. I pick a target and then I hone in on them and keep doing so until it has been determined that they are either mine or they are not. I have never "Played the Field" if you will. Never had the desire too. I have had multiple sexual partners all at the same time, some knew, some didn't, but there was a firm concept of "THIS IS JUST AND ONLY SEX" in the event that this changed I immedately cut off all sexual contact with other parties and as a result those people usually lost interest and stopped coming around anyway. I sometimes wonder what the plan is with people who play the field, creating real bonds with the possibility of a relationship with multiple people leave you only so many outs when it comes to saving feelings. For those who do play the field, do you consider the parties who eventually have to take the consolation prize of a platonic friendship? Does it ever occur that although you may not believe you have invested anything into them, that they may have something invested into you? If this isn't the thought process, vindictive or not, what exactly is the thought process? I ask this here in the BDSM section because this is where I see it happen most offten here in the BDSM world. I hear many Doms talking about engaging in "discussions" with multiple subs about a place in thier house then choosing only one and then hearing three or four other girls being hurt feeling like they were led on. Here on collar me you hear discussiona of girls taking "On-Line Masters" and discovering later that they are not the only "cyber slave". I wonder if they ever see the Narrowing Hallway Effect as the bond gets stronger with one and they are forced to divide time between girls who are getting more and more attached. Then you have situations I've noticed where one person says "We're just getting to know each other." and the Other Person says "We're Dating." Person one is just playing the field but person two is starting the line of commitment. Where does it go and when does it stop. I am not saying that people should be responsible for other people feelings I am just wondering if it occurs to the people who are just playing the field the possible outcomes that may come of this. And what do you do when it all starts getting to close? Do you choose just One? or do you end up in a cross fire and end up with none? And Most of all do you think there is anything wrong with this particular behavior? Thanks Steel

camille65 -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 9:18:31 AM)
I never learned how to play the field actually, and have always envied a bit.. those that have the ability. Personally I see nothing wrong with 'dating' several people at once so long as there is not the perception of exclusivity (which is where I have the problem carrying that out). Why just see one person? Why get to know just one person? Maybe it is along the lines of settling, if someone limits their pool to just one then they won't have the chance (or choice?) of branching out and perhaps finding someone who really fits instead of someone who just sort of fits. I feel like I'm struggling with concepts, moving my thoughts into sentences. So I'm hushing for now.

mc1234 -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 9:32:13 AM)
This is something I've struggled with, as I never wish to feel that I've led someone on. I've gotten better at it over time, though. Here's the problem - as a female submissive newly looking, I'd get tons of emails from different Dominants. I narrow these down locally, and then chit-chat. Usually most are, for lack of a better term, eliminated from the playing field, because of incompatability. Then I'm speaking with maybe two or three, chatting, assessing compatability. I've found that some Doms push for immediate exclusivity - narrowing the field for themselves. I've only given in to this once or twice, and it's 'paid off' - it was a gut instinct that it was the right move at the time. If I'm getting a feel that someone is a strong possibility, I will back off with the other couple of people I'm talking to. I'll send a very nice, very polite email explaining that I wish to explore this connection with someone else, and honestly I've only gotten 'thanks, and if it doesn't work out, you know where I am' type responses. I think that's because I've already narrowed emailing down to non-wankers. All this takes place before meeting face to face. I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to meet two people then have to 'choose'. I narrow it down before we get to the 'let's have coffee' stage. Usually a two to four week period of time, depending on circumstances. It can be a tough balancing act, but it's never vindictive.

DavanKael -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 10:24:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Hello Folks, Been reading alot here and there about searching and where it will eventually go and I wanted to offer my experience as well as ask for other peoples. More than that though I am hoping that people will explain thier thought process when it comes to the Search for a partner in crime in WIITWD. I call it the Narrowing Hallway Effect. I believe it happens more with women than it does with men, but my reasons for this are varied and the exceptions can at times be greater than the rule. In the Narrowing Hallway you have a situation where the flirtation and non serious relationships you begin to foster eventually start to head down the hallway toward the direction of a physical and committed relationship but as it does the hallway narrows and all these little bubbles of human interastion start to collide as there are more requests or desires for commitment and less acceptance of what-ever-happens-happens. I may be Poly, and to some degree even though I didn't always know it, always have been, but when it comes to dating I have always had tunnel vision. I pick a target and then I hone in on them and keep doing so until it has been determined that they are either mine or they are not. I have never "Played the Field" if you will. Never had the desire too. I have had multiple sexual partners all at the same time, some knew, some didn't, but there was a firm concept of "THIS IS JUST AND ONLY SEX" in the event that this changed I immedately cut off all sexual contact with other parties and as a result those people usually lost interest and stopped coming around anyway. I sometimes wonder what the plan is with people who play the field, creating real bonds with the possibility of a relationship with multiple people leave you only so many outs when it comes to saving feelings. For those who do play the field, do you consider the parties who eventually have to take the consolation prize of a platonic friendship? Does it ever occur that although you may not believe you have invested anything into them, that they may have something invested into you? I ask this here in the BDSM section because this is where I see it happen most offten here in the BDSM world. I hear many Doms talking about engaging in "discussions" with multiple subs about a place in thier house then choosing only one and then hearing three or four other girls being hurt feeling like they were led on. Then you have situations I've noticed where one person says "We're just getting to know each other." and the Other Person says "We're Dating." Person one is just playing the field but person two is starting the line of commitment. Where does it go and when does it stop. I am not saying that people should be responsible for other people feelings I am just wondering if it occurs to the people who are just playing the field the possible outcomes that may come of this. And what do you do when it all starts getting to close? Do you choose just One? or do you end up in a cross fire and end up with none? And Most of all do you think there is anything wrong with this particular behavior? Steel Hi, Steel---- This is an interesting one. :> In terms of "finding a partner in crime in wiitwd", I don't have a lot of experience. I avoided looking for power dynamic-based relationships when I was married and the one I lucked into was with someone who had been chosen family to us for years. Recent post-separation relationship: re-met on here (After a 1-time meeting years ago), hit it off really well, despite a knowing of him being 'one of my people', went into the relationship with serious concerns about the dude being married and, surprise, surprise, I was right--nearly a year later and lots of Hell--about that being a problem. Why'd I even give it a whirl? Because of the broad-based connection, tons of shared interests, attraction, as well as nearly glove-like fit regarding mutual desires related to wiitwd. If it looks like a partner and quacks like a partner it may be a partner. < shrug > I make no bones about the fact that I want a partner; nothing against the casual folks but of them I am not one. Much like you, I identify as poly- (Though, I can and have been mono-) and, again, much like you, I prefer to focus my attentions rather than being all over the place. I believe this has something to do with investments. Admittedly, minimal experience with the dating thing and folks assure me that 'playing the field' is the way to go and then honing down from there. I do differ from you in that I don't do the whole 'just sex' thing; not judging, just stating a difference on which I can't comment. I also put 'casual play' into the same realm as 'just sex': not something I do. Again, not judging anyone who does; it just isn't part of what I do or who I am. I also share a previous poster's concern about not wanting to lead people on and have always been very cognizant of that; I am 'the anti-flirt' and part of that is for that reason: I only tend to feel like that behavior is valid toward someone I am actually interested in. Your conceptualization of 'platonic friendship' after having a relationship as something of a 'boobie (And not good boobies, lol!) prize' resonates very much with me: until the most recent relationship I had, I made it very clear that I don't stay friends with people after having relationships with them; I see very little point in back-pedalling. That having been said, I tried with that fellow (Because we agreed we were of substantive import to one another to devote to such) and he doesn't seem to be able to deal with it; despite our each committing to it, regardless of others involved and whatever happened happened. Go figure; at least I can chalk it up to knowledge that I could keep that commitment. That was growth of sorts, as I started pushing him away early into the ending of the relationship and he called me on it, I acknowledged the behavior, apologized, and stopped it immediately. As far as being platonic friends with people one's just dated, I could see that as being less of an issue because, for me, the depth of context that is there for a partner would not be there for someone I 'just dated'. People who have been partners to me (True partners: and, those are few and would include spousal and a step-below spousal level < With my openness to them becoming more > commitments) seem to track that way to me viscerally, mentally, emotionally, whatever regardless; it's akin to being able to make the assertion that I have never stopped loving someone I have loved. I do think there is sometimes, and perhaps even often, disproportional investment by folks. I also think that people attribute different symbologies to acts than others and different responsibilities to certain words than others sometimes. To abrogate that, communication is a good thing but emotions are emotions; what one chooses to do with them is another thing entirely. There also seems to be a lot of 'game playing' and 'putting on masks' among people that serves to divide them rather than to bring them together. I assuming that your last question is about those playing the field. I don't have any theoretical problem with it, I suppose, as long as everything is on the up-and-up. Playing the field, to me, feels like space-holding rather than investing but who knows, waiting is; perhaps it could be a valid place to be until waiting is filled. I do not know. Davan

LaTigresse -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 10:48:00 AM)
Except for the limitations of time to keep in touch with multiple people, I don't narrow anything until I spend actual physical time with someone. Until then, they are an abstract possibility on a very wide open road with lots of side roads.... In my life, I have such limited fun time. I don't really do the whole, seeing someone, or casual dating, type of thing. Then again, I've not had a woman in my life for almost 2 years now so....

missturbation -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 10:48:31 AM)
quote: For those who do play the field, do you consider the parties who eventually have to take the consolation prize of a platonic friendship? Truthfully? Well i don't think my answer is going to be very popular lol. The answer is no. If the other parties are aware that i am playing the field then they have chosen to become involved in the situation. They have knowingly got involved with me knowing i am dating another / others. If the other parties are not aware of the fact i am dating others then when i make my choice of said parties, i would hope it would not come out i had been dating others. I did say you wouldn't like my answer. quote: Does it ever occur that although you may not believe you have invested anything into them, that they may have something invested into you? I invest something however small or big into every person i date. I do consider what they have invested in me and if its just fun for me then i will make that perfectly clear, so they can decide if they want to stick around or not. quote: If this isn't the thought process, vindictive or not, what exactly is the thought process? I'm not vindictive but i think my choices in dating can sometimes be selfish. I may date multiple people finding out what works and what doesn't without telling them all that is what i'm doing. The thought process is 'one of them may be right for me so instead of just dating one and maybe picking the wrong one, ill date them all'. quote: I am not saying that people should be responsible for other people feelings I am just wondering if it occurs to the people who are just playing the field the possible outcomes that may come of this. And what do you do when it all starts getting to close? I think if you choose to date multiple people you do have a responsiility to a degree for the feelings of the other people. If you are being honest and they all know about each other then not so much but, if they are unaware of others you are dating you have a responsibility for their feelings if they find out. When it all gets too close i think you have to make a decision. quote: Do you choose just One? That decision could be just one, or it could be poly or it could be none. The possibilities are endless lol. quote: or do you end up in a cross fire and end up with none? Quite possibly, i did once in nilla life. My fiance, his brother and his best friend. Cringes !! Less said the better. quote: And Most of all do you think there is anything wrong with this particular behavior? Yes i think there is something wrong if you're not being honest. Saying that i don't believe it is dishonest to date more than one person without them knowing about each other. It is only dishonest if you state you are stating exclusivity.

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 11:01:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DavanKael Admittedly, minimal experience with the dating thing and folks assure me that 'playing the field' is the way to go and then honing down from there. I do differ from you in that I don't do the whole 'just sex' thing; not judging, just stating a difference on which I can't comment. I also put 'casual play' into the same realm as 'just sex': not something I do. Again, not judging anyone who does; it just isn't part of what I do or who I am. I also share a previous poster's concern about not wanting to lead people on and have always been very cognizant of that; I am 'the anti-flirt' and part of that is for that reason: I only tend to feel like that behavior is valid toward someone I am actually interested in. Davan It should be noted that this activity is not a common one today. Being Married makes meaningless sex a dificult one as there are three peoples emotions to consider and not just two, andi gets attached easily. I on the other hand Attach myself Mentally rather than Physically and with Sexual Contact not always being a Menatally Benificial, but at least for me usually being a Physically Benificial one. I determined a LONG time ago that sex was not love and it takes more than love and sex to make a relationship work which freed me of my Guilt of sexual trysts. Well that is as long as all parties involved were aware that sex was not an obligation to more. Youth (Yes I know I'm Still young) has a way of confusing one's priority. Davan, I notice that in much of your writing you mention this last relationship and you speak on it very poorly, it seems that hold onto the resentment and I wonder if this is causing you to be bitter in that regard? I only ask because I notice the same feelings among those who were just not the one chosen when it comes to a particular silver tongued Dom, or Mynx-like Mistress. I notice that there is this Bitter distrust for certain situations, like Married or Non Commital. Some people just write them all off as red flags as if the person themselves do nate matter thier circumstance is all that matters. You have stated that you do not play the field but have you been a victim of one who was? Is this a possible reason for the animosity over past indiscressions that have happened to you? I am Truely Curious on this matter. Thank you for your Insight in advance. Steel

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 11:05:48 AM)
Thank you very much miss This is the kind of honesty I was looking for. Thank you again Steel P.S. SO when you come to the States you'll be commiting yourself to just andi and I right? >wink<

alianora -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 11:27:37 AM)
I am the type who does not do well in trying to play the field to narrow down who I may or may not be compatible with. If I am talking with someone, then I tend to keep my focus on just that one person. If I am actively in a relationship with someone, but still in the early stages, it is the same. However, I have no issues with the other party talking to, seeing, or playing with others as long as I am made aware of this fact. If he has three or four other prospective girls that he is contemplating, then I think it’s only fair that I be informed; just as I am always sure to let him know that I don’t play the same way. Everything is kept honest and above board this way. Being one of the newer ones on this site, and seeking; I have to admit that I have not had the same issues that I have heard others complain about ( emails, offers, etc ), but I think that comes from having stated clearly in my profile exactly what I want and do not want. The few that I have talked to seem to accept this at face value, but one can never be really sure until a face to face meeting has taken place; and even then, sometimes it takes time. Someone mentioned though, that their time is limited in the ‘search venue’ because of work or other issues; mine is pretty much the same. I work almost 12 hours a day, sometimes 6 to 7 days a week; so my time on here or with others is more focused toward one end. I just don’t want to waste time ‘playing the field’; I would rather grab the field and see if it can go anywhere.

missturbation -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 11:29:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Thank you very much miss This is the kind of honesty I was looking for. Thank you again Steel P.S. SO when you come to the States you'll be commiting yourself to just andi and I right? >wink< See ask me, discuss exclusivity with me and i'll tell the truth. Yes i will be exclusive to you and Andi ................whilst in Utah lol

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 12:16:25 PM)
quote: For those who do play the field, do you consider the parties who eventually have to take the consolation prize of a platonic friendship? Does it ever occur that although you may not believe you have invested anything into them, that they may have something invested into you? I absolutely consider the other people. That's why I am completely up front if I'm searching, so everyone is on the same page about whether or not they are comfortable in going through this, knowing that they won't be the only person under consideration, and that, after a time, even if -they- like me, I may find that I don't want a deeper relationship with -them-. quote: If this isn't the thought process, vindictive or not, what exactly is the thought process? To me, this isn't any different than serially-monogamous dating. In the end, while everyone is in the consideration phase, anyone involved can say "this isn't working for me" and the other person is left out in the cold. How bitter they become about that isn't my responsibility, as long as Iwas forthright up front, and wasn't the instigator of being nasty or a jerk when it became time to say goodbye. quote: Here on collar me you hear discussiona of girls taking "On-Line Masters" and discovering later that they are not the only "cyber slave". I wonder if they ever see the Narrowing Hallway Effect as the bond gets stronger with one and they are forced to divide time between girls who are getting more and more attached. Then you have situations I've noticed where one person says "We're just getting to know each other." and the Other Person says "We're Dating." Person one is just playing the field but person two is starting the line of commitment. Where does it go and when does it stop. For me, the line stops at Point A, where one says, in all honesty, "I am going to be seeing and considering a number of people, so I want to be sure I'm clear, so that there are no misunderstandings -- you're also welcome to check out other folks, and if we work out, we work out -- if we don't, no hard feelings either way." Honesty is the bottom line. If everyone is forthright from the start, then there isn't a door left cracked for that feeling of being betrayed to slip in later on. quote: And what do you do when it all starts getting too close? Do you choose just One? or do you end up in a cross fire and end up with none? Because I'm not looking for "the One", everyone knows up front that there's a possibility that more than one of us may come out of this as companions, and everyone is on board with that up front, or they decide up front that they're not on board. I don't have to choose just one. If I am attracted to more than one, I have the luxury of cherishing those feelings, and expressing them, and seeing what we can do to integrate. If it turns out that someone can't or won't integrate well, that really makes that person unattractive to me, so there really hasn't ever been much conflict... either the person enjoys our mutual companionship across the board, or xhe doesn't fit and goes hir own way, and hopefully, there are no hard feelings (there are rarely hard feelings on my end, since I believe that people have every right to choose to be elsewhere if they're not happy with me... and our mutual happiness is, after all, the goal). quote: And Most of all do you think there is anything wrong with this particular behavior? Absolutely not. Actually, I think we jump into exclusivity, as a culture, -far- too quickly. We mold ourselves and shape ourselves to cram ourselves into companionship that is, many times, not the best fit in the world, because neither party can figure out how to say "this isn't working for me" and is more worried about 'hurting the other person's feelings' than they are about being honest. I'd rather date widely and be with people who are genuinely interested in being around me and whom I am interested in being around than narrowing the field in advance and finding that I've chosen someone with whom I am not fully actuated as myself.And, too, I am happy and comfortable being alone, so the idea of keeping someone on a string just to have someone to be with doesn't have any appeal to me at all.

CreativeDominant -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 12:39:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Except for the limitations of time to keep in touch with multiple people, I don't narrow anything until I spend actual physical time with someone. Until then, they are an abstract possibility on a very wide open road with lots of side roads.... In my life, I have such limited fun time. I don't really do the whole, seeing someone, or casual dating, type of thing. Then again, I've not had a woman in my life for almost 2 years now so.... I think LaT makes a lot of sense here. Having been called on for speaking to others in the past, I've tried...not always successfully...to let people I speak to know that I speak with others and, back when I used to do it, played casually with others. I now have in my profile the fact that I talk to other people so that there is no question as to whether I do or not. The relationships I enjoy and the interactions with those folks can revolve around a lot of topics...from sexuality to the books we enjoy to travel to family to various ways of handling types of BDSM play and/or D/s behaviors and/or the relationship part of the equation. These conversations can be fun, serious, flirtatious, heated, nasty. But, if I meet someone personally and find myself wanting to move forward with them, then I would begin cutting back on conversations elsewhere, with an explanation if asked for. People like to talk about focusing on one...but how do you do that until you have met in person, spent time with that person, found that this person really intrigues you and makes you want to see where it goes with them to the exclusion of others?

DavanKael -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 12:43:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah It should be noted that this activity is not a common one today. Being Married makes meaningless sex a dificult one as there are three peoples emotions to consider and not just two, andi gets attached easily. I on the other hand Attach myself Mentally rather than Physically and with Sexual Contact not always being a Menatally Benificial, but at least for me usually being a Physically Benificial one. I determined a LONG time ago that sex was not love and it takes more than love and sex to make a relationship work which freed me of my Guilt of sexual trysts. Well that is as long as all parties involved were aware that sex was not an obligation to more. Youth (Yes I know I'm Still young) has a way of confusing one's priority. Davan, I notice that in much of your writing you mention this last relationship and you speak on it very poorly, it seems that hold onto the resentment and I wonder if this is causing you to be bitter in that regard? I only ask because I notice the same feelings among those who were just not the one chosen when it comes to a particular silver tongued Dom, or Mynx-like Mistress. I notice that there is this Bitter distrust for certain situations, like Married or Non Commital. Some people just write them all off as red flags as if the person themselves do nate matter thier circumstance is all that matters. You have stated that you do not play the field but have you been a victim of one who was? Is this a possible reason for the animosity over past indiscressions that have happened to you? I am Truely Curious on this matter. Thank you for your Insight in advance. Steel Hi, Steel---- What a can of worms. Okay, here goes: Having been married for nearly 15 years (Actually, tomorrow would have been my 16 year wedding anniversary) I absolutely and completely understand your assertion of the need to take others into consideration regarding one's mutil-partnered situations and that as a reason for your choosing to be less casual. I don't find sex with someone appealing if I don't have a bond with that person (Actually, I find it repugnant, to be honest) be it friendship or love. Good questions regarding my most recent relationship. Yes, I do harbor resentments and bitternesses about it. I take commitments and promises very seriously and there were many that were broken. There was nothing upright or clean about how it went down and that pisses me off, in addition to those softer, closer emotions that the anger overlays: betrayal, hurt, abandonment. I dislike dishonesty, I dislike feeling used and discarded, I dislike people behaving like brats rather than grown-ups, I despise lack of honor. As someone who's identified as poly- for, geez, nearly 15 years, I don't speak from the position of 'the one not chosen'. I never went into the relationship attempting to drive a wedge between the couple in question: I merely invested in the relationship as it was agreed to, 'played by the ever-changing rules' that the submissive was allowed to set (And, yes, I did take my issues to the person who was supposed to be dominant), trusted my friend who was supposed to the the dominant to have his house in order (Which he chose not to), worked and bent and invested in the framework as it was presented to me only to get screwed (Well, not in the shiny happy way...but, that's another aspect of the story). My own preference is to have a primary partner. I was with my husband from the time that I was 15 until I was almost 33, so you can see that that is a strong context for me. My concerns about him being married were mutiple: he interested me enough that I took responsibility for and dealt with my discomforts at being a secondary partner (Which, if you can imagine, are huge; his consistence, presence, and devotion helped meto feel valued and cherished, so I had some important baselines covered) but the greater issue was my belief that 'someone always freaks out' and my assertion of this upon one of our early meetings brought "Darlin', I'm a low drama kind of a guy" (Or some such): I knew where the problems were going to come from: the wife, and I was right. And, ultimately, he got dramatic and inconsistent too, but I believe that he takes on responsibility for her misbehaviors and responsibility in general in hopes of winning her submission. It's a fool's game but I hope I'm wrong and that he's able to have the relationship he wants. As for whether or not they are looking for another, that's not my problem. Having been the victim of their marital, individual, and power-dynamic-based issues (And, willingly in the relationship, lest you think I am not taking responsibility for my presence, because I am), I would hope they don't visit that on another ever. I offered, numerous times, to work on issues to work things out; truly, if anyone is reasonable, caring, and has context enough to wade through it, it would be me but wow, would there have to be much responsibility taken for ill acts and a sweet deal offered in light of my presence: and, that is about as likely as snowcones in Hell. I took my commitments seriously and I didn't commit to only being there for the good stuff or I'd have run for the hills long ago. A friend of mine looked shocked the other day when I said that if things had become permanent, I would have made provisions in my will for their ums, that my meager finances would have gone to the betterment of the whole family (were I a part as I was sometimes treated): then that friend looked at me and said, of course: because you're you and people so do not get how truly willing you are to devote yourself when you say that you are. So, regarding married: yeah, I am even more gun-shy: my fears of being treated as optional and disposable played out. Played out in a grotesque fashion. I don't offer myself frivolously or lightly and I abhorr being treated in that fashion; it is an ultimate disrespect and dehumanization. As far as someone who is non-committal...hmmm, I was denied a collar because of her discomfort with it (And he verbalized that several times; that she was the only reason I was denied that) which didn't and doesn't sit well with me: more supposed sub controlling things. Ultimately, his not behaving dominantly (And, I am a pragmatist, not someone who has idealized versions of doms; I don't want a cardboard stand-up superhero, I want a real partner and he was, for quite a time) showed lack of commitment, both to his dominance of his wife and of me, and perhaps most importantly, to himself as a supposed inherent part of himself. And, remember, I was a wife for the entirety of my adult life, so I understand deferring to a person's spouse and I did and he and I discussed that many times too, as did I reassure her, many more times than once, that I was not out to bash and crash through their marriage or family, though they certainly ultimately bashed and crashed through my life with apparently little care. Her lack of commitment was manifest in lying, making promises she did not intend to keep, trying to control everything, behaving in a wildly disrespectful fashion toward me, using me whenever she could, stating she didn't care if she'd withheld information that could permanently damage my health, etc. She sabotaged the relationship from the get-go and it wasn't a matter of she and I being incompatible; it was a matter of her knowing she could hold the reigns and if she refused certain things (Like basic friendship), that'd stop him in his tracks be it in short order or a little further down the road and that he'd not have the relationship he wanted (Though, I think she never expected him to find a good fit in the first place). Disrespect. And, he allowed it and has ultimately participated in it. So, ultimately, no, I don't think I have ever been the victim of someone I viewed as playing the field: just of those not willing to keep promises and commitments. Hope that answers your questions and elucidates the self-insight about which I think you were guerying. Feel free to question or comment as you wish. Hope it somehow positively contributes to your thread. :> Davan

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 12:59:05 PM)
Ummmm Okay .... WOW. This is a little Off where I was going and seems awfully personal. Davan, Any questions I have (and there are some that I do) will be sent to you on the other side. All I wish to comment on here is that this is the kind of hurt that han happen when things aren't fully figured out before emotions get involved. When Playing the Field This is the kind of hurt that can come from a ended connection. Not that this is what happened in Davan's relationship but expresses the kind of pain and yes even bitterness that I see from those who have been twice bitten far from shy. Davan You will have mail on the other side. Steel

DavanKael -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 1:07:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Ummmm Okay .... WOW. This is a little Off where I was going and seems awfully personal. Davan, Any questions I have (and there are some that I do) will be sent to you on the other side. All I wish to comment on here is that this is the kind of hurt that han happen when things aren't fully figured out before emotions get involved. When Playing the Field This is the kind of hurt that can come from a ended connection. Not that this is what happened in Davan's relationship but expresses the kind of pain and yes even bitterness that I see from those who have been twice bitten far from shy. Davan You will have mail on the other side. Steel Hi, Steel---- The only way I know to answer a personal question (If I choose to do so) is personally. :> Some people object to speaking perosnally on boards. I speak with intent to offer positive impacts or, in the past, have sometimes cried out for input on a personal situation from uninvolved third parties in addition to having consulted my own substantial support network. You are a poster who seems to have an understanding of poly- moreso than many, so you asked me some personal questions, I chose to answer personally and with good intent. I believe in living in the light. :> I welcome your mail on theother side. You're right: people hurt others when they don't have their dedication solidified. Davan

ThundersCry -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 1:37:46 PM)
Theres something to be said about...living in the...light.

DesFIP -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 1:44:41 PM)
I am not responsible for someone else's emotions. If I've dated them once and haven't decided if I want to see them again while they've decided I'm their one, that isn't my problem. It is their problem for overinvesting in a relationship that has not yet progressed to that level. Beyond that I think that if you really are compatible you will come to that decision at the same time. I don't think that if he decides she's the one on the first date that it is sensible to keep seeing her in the hopes that she may decide the same six months down the line. Mostly, if you aren't capable of accepting rejection, then don't date anyone. Don't even ask people out if you are that fragile because mostly what we get in this world is rejection. We aren't good matches for most of the people we meet.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 2:10:46 PM)
I love this topic, SoU - I really do. I love how succinctly and eloquently you expressed it, and I love the points you made that I've found difficult to express mself, in the past. Keeping your options open is a great thing. What becomes problematic is when an individual builds a harem of potentials, especially when the aspiring Sheik isn't very forthcoming about his harem of potentials. One only has a limited resource of time, and when you scatter your focus amongst many, you stretch that resource sometimes to a breaking point. Unless you are conference calling your harem of potentials, you are allocating your limited resource of time into small, unsatisfying increments that are (in my opinion) self-defeating. I mean, seriously. Is it really a stretch to acknowledge that the speed-date approach to getting to know someone is unsatisfactory, to say the least?

kiwisub12 -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 3:09:24 PM)
When i posted my profile, i started talking online to several doms. before any went anywhere serious, one asked to meet, and i did, and that was all she wrote. I sent a polite email to the other doms stating that i was in a developing relationship, and was going to persue it seriously. The replies i received were polite and cordial, so there weren't any hurt feelings that i could see. and really, at the level we were communicating on, no hurt feelings would be appropriate, because we hadn't got past the " like to read and take long walks on the beach" stage. I can't imagine going past that stage with more than one person. I am not wired that way. The one time i tried it, i was caught at the pub by all three of them, and i ended up alone. Of course i was in my late teens, so you can't expect too much in the way of sense - lol. When i am building a relationship with an eye to being exclusive (poly or not) then i want to focus my energies on that situation, not dilute it with others. And at that stage, i would expect the dom to be doing the same. I am serious about my relationships, and i would hope the prospective dom to equally as serious.

SlaveIndigochild -> RE: ~~When the Hallway Narrows~~ (12/3/2008 3:22:30 PM)
Hi Steel great to see you again.... i dunno....haven't read the other responses yet but i have thought through what you so brilliantly describe as the Hallway Process.....i feel it's back against the wall feeling and can be bundled as instinct? maybe? It's just too unlogical, driven at times and complex being me to be able to put myself into an exact category...it's just a luxury being able to be expressive of my needs the way i am.......

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