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CHOICE - 12/3/2008 9:57:04 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I will ask please no flames. Before you ask this is not about me.  It came from reading a post by another poster.

This is for subs (or Dom/me) that are married (Not to their Dom/sub ) or otherwise invloved wuith someone else.  Then know and let you have an Dom/me.

What would you do if your Dom/me or husband or wife siad , I am tired of this you can either have me or them. (i know they might not say that but's lets just say they did) What would you do? Who would you choose?  Would you even be able to make a choice?

Matt's littleone
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 10:17:40 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I believe it depends on what you have negotiated into your relationships. 

My wife and I both have second primary partners over whom we both agree that we DO NOT have veto power over.  Simply put, if either of us were to play that particular card at this point, it would shake if not outright destroy the very foundations of everything we have built over the past 15 years of marriage.  For me to ask her to give this person up in favor of me...would hurt her more than I can say and thus, it would hurt us.  Same on my side of the fence...

When we began into the Poly dynamic, we both agreed that we would talk and share everything that happened and tell the other when we felt we were approaching that "no veto boundary" of connection and relationship with the new person, and give the other a say up to that point - and so we did both of us.

Playing that card after the point of emotional commitment is like unleashing a tsunami on your partner's heart.  My opinion...


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to littleone35)
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RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 11:42:28 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Well that's pretty much what happened with my former owner and his wife. The result is I am no longer owned by him.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 11:55:58 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Someone giving me an ultimatum doesn't last very long in my life especially when it's changing the rules in the middle of the game. If given a choice like "it's me or him", I'm just as likely to come up with a third option which is - it may not be him but for sure it's not you! I'm all good with 'neither' if 'either' doesn't work and someone is forcing me into a situation that's uncomfortable for me. Trying to play Yahtzee when you agreed to play Canasta just doesn't sit well in my craw.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 12:13:33 PM   
frenchbitchchris


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline 		I am in a similar situation. I am an owned/collared 24/7 slave to my Master of 13 years. I chose to dedicate myself to him 100% although I am not even gay or bi. It is a service oriented relationship that I need. In that, I also need sex. lol

Master allows me to have girlfriends or play toys (because i am a Top to woman) and he has on several occassions said to me that I need to stop seeing a girl for whatever reason, even if I didn't want to. I have dedicated my life to him, I do what I am told.

If a girl were to say pick me or him, it would be my Master.

It depends on how the relationship is set up.

--french bitch

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 12:58:14 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		this past summer, when i was leaving wolf and moving in with/to TheEngineer, he and i had a brief discussion about polyamory and decided to table the discussion for roughly 6 months.  at the time, the relationship with wolf was evolving to co-impwranglers and no longer partners (which is working well, as it happens) and the relationships with Daddy and otherlove were going to be long distance.

Daddy accepted this, and refused to uncollar me.  he agreed to share me with TheEngineer, and there have been shifts in how we relate to one another, but there is mutual respect for the 2 men and their care for/about me.  otherlove....well it was one drama after another always culminating in a whine that he missed me in his arms.  not fun from several states away.

over the holiday weekend, TheEngineer and i discussed the poly thing, and he agreed that the heart loves who it loves but the brain decides what to do about it, and he'd much rather i be monogamous and only very close friends with Daddy and JUST friends with otherlove.  i was obedient and informed them of the changes, as i'd informed them of the 6 month "table the discussion".  Daddy's reponse was that he still loves me and still wants me in his life and if this is how it is, so be it.  he needs to know that i'm safe and cared for/about, and i am.  TheEngineer is content with this answer.

otherlove pulls a whinefest then a snotty "then i guess i wish you well since you dont have any love for me any more."  *sighs*  you cant talk to someone who wont listen.

staying with TheEngineer is a very joyous choice for me.  he'll be my husband in a few weeks, and as i see it that trumps prett much everything else.  he's just good enough to trust me and my respect for him to know that since he said that, i am not available to anyone else emotionally on those levels and damn sure not physically.  large changes definitely.

besides, what woman in her right mind would give up a 40 minute lecture on the principles of metalurgy and design engineering, and why liquid nitrogen boils at room temperature, and how come you can burn through crawfish cooking pot even when its full of mudbugs and water. 

kitten

edited to add:  said lecture coming right after some lovely intimacy.  *giggling*

< Message edited by pixidustpet -- 12/3/2008 12:59:33 PM >

(in reply to frenchbitchchris)
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RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 1:28:15 PM   
porcelain26


Posts: 181
Joined: 11/16/2007
Status: offline 		I have *sort of* this issue with my Owner. He's married, obviously I'm not. I don't know His wife and have no desire to. Not because I don't think she's a wonderful person, but because it's none of my damn business. If she ever went to Him and made the demand, I would be gone in a heartbeat and I have no problem with that. I want Him to be happy, pure and simple, and I would never stand in the way of His primary relationship.

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 1:39:00 PM   
KokuRan


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/18/2008
Status: offline 		I left a married Dom, because of that. It was getting to the point where I needed more from him than he could provide, and decided it was better if things ended as they were instead of making him choose. 

(in reply to porcelain26)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 2:01:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think a spouse ought to have veto power. Women are better at judging if the new woman in his life will be fine being his secondary partner or if they will try to break up the existing relationship. Men are better at seeing this about other men.

Now if the relationship is three years old and suddenly your spouse demands you end it, I would hope they would explain why. People change and although they may have felt fine with poly before you were parents, they may well feel that you are shortchanging the family of time.

But this is something that needs to be decided ahead of time. Are you committed to someone you've been with for twelve years or are you more interested in chasing someone new?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to KokuRan)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 2:09:51 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35


What would you do if your Dom/me or husband or wife siad , I am tired of this you can either have me or them. (i know they might not say that but's lets just say they did) What would you do? Who would you choose?  Would you even be able to make a choice?



I definitely wouldn't respond well to it being put to me in ultimatum form...but if my primary parter said to me "I can't take this any longer and here's why blah blah blah....Would you consider changing the circumstances, even though I had previously agreed to this?"  I might view it differently, but I would still find it hard if not impossible to dump a person with whom I had developed a substantial bond. I would have to be honest with the spouse and just say "look I'm sorry that you feel this way, and it must suck, but the decision you made to allow this situation now affects another person who matters to me".  I've never been in this type of situation, but I suspect I wouldn't choose at all, but continue status quo and let my spouse choose whether or not to sever his relationship with me.  I seriously doubt I would have the ability to let the other person go, unless of course they didn't mean much to me.  But I wouldn't be with someone who didn't mean much to me anyway, so...yeah...for me...I'd tell the spouse that he has to make the choice to deal with it, or leave me.  

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 2:27:34 PM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline 		so many complicated issues
oy
people change and they're always going to change. they may change in a way that jives with you, or in a way that doesn't

my feeling on it is that i don't want to prevent anyone from being who they are, whatever that is. and i don't want to be made to feel that i'm losing myself.
i think discussion of the reasons why would be a good idea, that way it didnt come across as just an "ultimatum"
and i also think that if you have kids, they should be considered. like Des mentioned, there may be a shortchange of time happening that a person isn't aware of because they're too caught up in their other relationship.

but i think if either person finds themselves at risk of losing who they essentially are, then the relationship shoudl probably be restructured to keep that from happening. if you have kids, that complicates things. in a situation with kids, people have to find the solution that's best for the KIDS first and foremost because they don't have anything to do with any relationship drama that you've gotten yourself into. but if you don't have those kinds of attachments, i think it should be handled in the least complicated manner.=p if it involves dissolution of the "romantic" relationship, theeeeen... well there you go =p

i also kinda agree with marie, that, in a situation like that, if everyone's points have been made and stances are established, it might fall into the hands of the spouse who doesn't like the situation anymore. if s/he decides to stay, etc etc. don't have any experience with this, but i doubt the person with two is going to want to cut one off. ultimately it's up to you to protect yourself and remove yourself from a situation that isn't 'healthy for you for whatever reason (emotional or otherwise) and this could fall into that category as well.

being involved with someone who's married would just not work for me at all. luckily i don't have that problem, just offering my opinion, for whatever it's worth 

< Message edited by RainydayNE -- 12/3/2008 2:31:16 PM >

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 2:36:50 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		If we had both agreed to this type of relationship and he suddenly was against it, it would shake my trust in him. I would see it as him trying to put his foot down and I do not go for that. I am my own boss so I would choose the sub rather than be with someone who I couldn't trust to make a decision and then try to make me do something that I did not want to do.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 2:48:31 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RainydayNE

so many complicated issues
oy
people change and they're always going to change. they may change in a way that jives with you, or in a way that doesn't

my feeling on it is that i don't want to prevent anyone from being who they are, whatever that is. and i don't want to be made to feel that i'm losing myself.



You hit the nail on the head here. After four years of my belonging to him, things changed...people changed. He spent 6 months trying to work it out so we could all be comfortable with an end result. After 6 months, no one was happy. It was apparent there was a decision to be made - wife of 30+ years or slave of 4 years. He chose keeping things peaceful and safe at home so his wife would stay. While I support that, to say "Oh I want what you want and I'll just ease away" was no easy task. Betrayal was felt on all sides. Pain was felt on all sides. Anger and resentment was felt on all sides. I did walk away, but it took about 3 months for me to be able to converse with him again without being depressed for days after.

To say the issue and all the emotions that encompass it is complex is exactly right. But time brings about clarity and all we can do is work with what we have to work with, going forward.

It is highly unlikely I will enter into a situation like that again. While I always knew, accepted and supported that his wife came before me in all things, there were some intense feelings of rejection, abandonment, and being discarded that came with the separation. Whether valid or not, they were there and needed to be dealt with. Add to that, no one is perfect at dealing with relationship crisis, and mistakes were made that added to the pain. It's not something I plan on exposing myself to in the future.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to RainydayNE)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: CHOICE - 12/3/2008 9:28:53 PM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		I’m in two friendship based ds relationships. One where he’s in a relationship and the other I believe he’s still single both know if I ever interfere with their primary relationship I’m bowing out. Part of this is because I believe that their primary relationship is more important then our ds relationship (and they both do too).

Now most of the people I’m dating know about my ds friendships and are pretty much ok with it but do know if they are uncomfortable there are changes I’m willing to make.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 5:28:57 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

I will ask please no flames. Before you ask this is not about me.  It came from reading a post by another poster.

This is for subs (or Dom/me) that are married (Not to their Dom/sub ) or otherwise invloved wuith someone else.  Then know and let you have an Dom/me.

What would you do if your Dom/me or husband or wife siad , I am tired of this you can either have me or them. (i know they might not say that but's lets just say they did) What would you do? Who would you choose?  Would you even be able to make a choice?

Matt's littleone

Well....IF I was in that kind of a relationship, and IF I was the married one...it would be no choice. I would choose my marriage without even having to think about it.

IF I was in a relationship with someone who was married, I would not even contemplate forcing that kind of a decision on someone else.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 5:39:24 AM   
thebossnbliss


Posts: 37
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline 		i had the choice 6 weeks ago, i left my husband of 17 years & now have my own little 3 bedroom house, Sir Chris comes up most weekends depending on His work pattern, geography (distance) still sucks but we are happy. i could not deal with my vanilla married life anymore & so i had to make a break.i have made the right choice.
 
*bissy*

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 6:02:09 AM   
housesub4you


Posts: 1879
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm married and serve a Domme outside my marriage.

Everyone knows everything so there are no secrets.

My Domme understand it will always be family first, She is married also and with her it is always family first too.

Keeping it simple seems to work the best for us.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 7:00:11 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		When I met the man that is now my Master, He told me that He had a "non-lifestyle" girlfriend.  He and I became friends and lovers, but I worked hard to keep my feelings for Him in check.

One day He called to say that He wanted me to come to lunch with Him and His girlfriend.  He wanted us to meet so there would be no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.  She made it clear that she was cool with He and I seeing each other, and having sex.  They have a semi-open relationship.

Fast forward a couple of months and He announces He is in love with me and wants to own me.  I was floored, but happy and apprehensive because of her.  He spoke to her about me again and she was fine with a change in our relationship.

He and I were talking a short time later and He asked if I was happy, to which I replied "yes, but I'm not getting too comfortable".  This bothered Him, but I couldn't really elaborate any more than that, at the time.

Fast forward another couple of months and He calls me to tell me that the girlfriend went through His livejournal and read some of my journal entries to Him..... she flips out claiming she had no idea that we were having sex, etc...  (she's got some mental "issues" that she refuses to acknowledge), she's not happy about our relationship, etc.

So He's telling me all of this on the phone, and I am on the verge of a major anxiety attack, when He realized that I wasn't saying anything.  That's when I reminded Him of my comment that I wasn't getting "too comfortable", because I figured she would decide at some point that I had to go.

Every insecure, anxious, fearmongering inner demon came bubbling up at that point.  That's when He said, "You're not going anywhere!  I love you and she will have to put on her big girl panties and DEAL WITH IT!"  I cried, cried and cried some more.

She isn't thrilled about me being in His life, but He's probably the only man on earth who will deal with her "issues", so she doesn't push the issue of "me" because she knows she'll lose.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 11:37:35 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

What would you do if your Dom/me or husband or wife siad , I am tired of this you can either have me or them. (i know they might not say that but's lets just say they did) What would you do? Who would you choose? Would you even be able to make a choice?

For me, the choice is easy. I choose me, every time.

I don't do ultimatums. When someone says "Choose" my stock answer is "Buh-bye!"

_____________________________



(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: CHOICE - 12/4/2008 12:35:36 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I love whom I love. I wouldn't get involved with someone who had issues with or was only -reluctantly- poly in the first place, so if something like this came up -after- the fact, I'd be really surprised... however, because I don't just have -one- other partner, giving up my other mates for one person just isn't palatable in any way, and I would sorely resent the person who disrespected me and our other mates so much as to require it, so if pushed into a "Me or Them" decision, it would definitely be "Them".

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 20
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