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Mercnbeth -> Maturity? - Evolution? - Acceptance? - Peace? (12/26/2005 12:32:04 PM)
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Today, we've been catching up with the holiday correspondence and responding to a number of nice notes. Many have asked, who we are, how we got here, how do we make it "work". And it got me thinking about the "how we got here".
A long time ago in a land know as NYC, I discovered BDSM. Back in that era my reference points for education were the Penthouse "Forums" or "Variations Magazines"; and the quarter booths on 42nd street, now showing "Lion King". Once I developed the courage I wandered into a few clubs and was lucky enough to make friends with people who were open about who/what they were who invited me to share in their experiences. It was wonderful! The most important realization was that the sexual thoughts I'd had weren't "perverted"; and the scenarios of dominance, submission, bondage, and humiliation were not unique.
Like a kid in a candy shop with unlimited energy I wanted to experience EVERYTHING! The fun part was - I did! I did the tying and was tied. I paddled butts and had mine paddled. I crawled and also held tight on the leather side of the leach. It didn't matter. Often half the fun was flipping a coin to see which "role" to play. Now that would be considered "switch", but back then the only words for it was "sensation slut". Ahhhhh youth!
Anyway, there came a time when the sessions started to become mundane. When the mind wanders, sensations have a hard time getting through. Again fortunate for access to living breathing references with experience I was told I was at a crossroad. No harm in continuing with the sensations but deeper fulfillment was possible with commitment. To accept the responsibility to be fully in charge, or to surrender all responsibility and give total commitment to another. I guess there was another choice, to be vanilla, but that thought never occurred to me at the time.
A period of self assessment followed and I came out of the exercise as a self-identified Dominant. It began my 20+ year search to find a counterpart. With the ignorance of youth, I believed lies and let emotions get in the way of pragmatic analysis. I married wrong to a person I met at a lifestyle club, who announced on the honeymoon jet flying to SF that she hoped my days of playing BDSM "games" would wane now that we were married. Events and tragedy intervened or I'd still be in NYC and living a life of lies, unfilled desires, and wallowing in self loathing.
Now for the past four years - I have contentment in all aspects of my life. Most important, I have found my counterpart - beth.
I don't think my path is unique. I see it occurring commonly. I think it natural to want to experience it all. Yet, beth had/has no such desire. she was a submissive personality when we met. she is a natural service oriented individual. she has zero desire to dominate anything more sentient than a puppy dog. Interesting is that fact that beth went through the same self analysis process before seeking another. Fortunately for her, her search lasted about 20 days instead of 20 years. Did she skip a step?
Was it my lack of maturity that required that I experienced before determining goal? Was beth's self analysis without the experience qualified? she has a wonderful argument when it comes to bi-sexuality on that point. she has had two experiences and they were not something she'd seek to do again. I on the other hand have had zero direct sexual contact with a man. So her comment is, I really don't know if I'm gay or bi-sexual or not because I have no reference. I hate it when I have to agree with a logical position contrary to what I KNOW for fact!
But here we are - either as the result of maturity, or personal evolution, to be where we are now - Master/slave. Accepting and enjoying the experiences though our chosen roles. Secure, and yet...
Is there another deeper mental, emotional, spiritual (beth added the spiritual) condition to seek? A person I consider a "mentor by proxy", proxy because he mentors by example not correspondence or daily contact, seems to be an example of something we are not. His sexuality is not limited by the sex of his partner. His dominance is not illustrated by confined to being on the handle side of the whip. His sessions are cathartic, erotic, and deeply moving to participate and witness. He has a peace about him.
Accepting evolution as a theory, because we see in modern society living examples of both ape and human, at some point the ape must have decided that he had evolved enough. He had no need for the complete thought process that resulted in the need for clothes. The human branch decided it did. Is either branch less fulfilled? No work, swinging in trees, and avoiding lions doesn't seem so bad compared to trying to make a living as a modern human. And think that all before the ape level decided that being a fish was good enough, or a lizard, or any of the other stages evolution took. Is life within the world of BDSM a process of evolution until achieving self acceptance and ultimately self peace?
Is obtaining this self "peace" a realistic goal for everyone? I've always said that 24/7 M/s is not a realistic goal for everyone. Being a slave or Master is not a requirement to enjoy the many aspects of this lifestyle. Although we are committed to still learn, we don't except much additional evolution. We believe we are at peace.
How many of you are at peace?
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